Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

Sorry not sure what happened there.

Sounds like they already are in Australia…

Seriously OP, you aren’t a bad daughter. Your mother needs to get a grip. You are your own person.

It’s not your responsibility to fulfil your mum’s sense of purpose or her fantasies about being an involved grandparent. Get that written down and displayed somewhere you’ll see it daily! Your responsibility is to you and the family you are creating. Mum’s responsibility is to find her own meaning and purpose in life. I can understand she is sad and disappointed that you don’t live nearby, but you have to do what’s best for you and your own family and maybe she could visit you. This message about disappointing mum sounds as if it might be a long-running one rather than something recent. You mentioned healing in your post - if therapy is available near you, it might be useful to unpack the sense of pressure and obligation.

Do you want her to be involved daily in the child's life? because I don't think I would want such a selfish and unkind person to be that involved with my family I would also stop the weekly visits, if she wants to see you she can make the effort, I wonder how long it would continue then?

No you're right. I'm trapped still but the bars of my cage are inside my head. Yet I seem to not know how to escape...

My in-laws moved to be closer to us, because they wanted to be able to see us regularly and help out with their grandchildren. They've been incredibly helpful, especially during school holidays.

My parents live a 6-hour drive away. We see them a few times a year, which is more high intensity, if you like: we'll stay with them for a week or two and get a lot of grandparent time in in a short time.

Since my eldest got a phone she also messages her grandparents, which is nice for all of them.

However near or far you live, a relationship is what you make it. It doesn't sound like your mum wants to put any effort in. I suspect if you lived close by she'd just pick something else to guilt-trip you about.

I drive longer than that getting to and then from work each day

She is being completely ridiculous

Yes... mum won't travel to see me. Or my sister, who also lives up the coast near me (but who has not been accused of stealing her future or any such nonsense). And no I don't think I want her involved daily, it would just be to maybe lighten the load for us but if the cost is feeling trapped then I cannot pay that cost. Thank you for the productive suggestions to deflect her on her tantrums I will try that (if she speaks to me again ughhh)

Can she drive? How does she get around? 1.5 hours is not that far, why can't she come to you sometimes?
My mum lives about an hour away from me and when I had a newborn she visited us nearly every day at first to help us out and go shopping for us and things like that. Which was lovely.
I don't think any future grandchildren of mine will live anywhere near me.

Firstly, congratulations!

I think it's extremely important that before you even consider telling her the news, you need to sit down and write out exactly what you want her involvement with your baby to look like. You obviously struggle with enforcing boundaries so you need to make them clear right from the beginning. Get DH on board for when you struggle with her trying to cross them.

I think this distance is going to be an absolute blessing when you have your baby.

Remember, you don't need to take her abuse. If she's ranting down the phone- end the call. If she's ranting on a visit - get up and leave. Get used to doing all this now because you'll need these skills to protect your baby.

Aww your mum sounds lovely :)

Yes she can drive but she has chronic fatigue so I understand she wouldnt want to all the time. But then again, she likes to ride her motorbike for long rides like >2 hours for recreation so I strongly suspect she is refusing to visit us in anger and as punishment, not because she actually cannot come.

I’d be grateful for the distance if you’re about to have a child tbh. She sounds a nightmare and will only get worse with the grandchild.

I’d drop the regular Friday visits now. The last think you want is to be tied to traipsing up and down with a newborn. She’ll tantrum - just think of it as practice for the terrible twos - and don’t give it too much energy.

I hadn't thought about it like that. I do need to have the strength to protect my baby. I also don't want my baby bathed in stress hormones during pregnancy either and so far I have not been able to be calm, I feel soooo nervous and guilty.

I will take your advice and try writing down how I want it to be. I am not sure though, problem with the childhood abuse is that we don't always know what we want because we were trained to meet others needs, not our own...

first off congratulations!! Whilst it can be hard to break free of your mum, your priority from here on in is your own child. Think off the ways she made you feel and then think of your child feeling that way. Because if she behaving like this now, imagine how she will speak to your baby growing up. Perhaps you need to speak to your therapists about how to go (very) low / no contact? She won’t change, so maybe a different approach is now needed.

I’m a firm believer that people have no moral obligation to parents who can’t behave like proper parents should. The act of giving birth doesn’t make someone a mother, it’s all the things that come after it.

It sounds really like your mum needs the therapy. Her attitude to you building a new life for yourselves is really odd. Of course she can come to you if she wants to see you. Invite her and don’t go and see her till she’s visited. You’re certainly not doing all the driving when your baby is here (congratulations, what an exciting time for you and your partner). In some ways things are going to get easier, because you will be able to be firmer about things for yourselves child than you can be for yourself. Start now because it is literally your job to build a good life for yourselves new baby.

I can guarantee you that if she lived next door she'd complain about something else - probably being "expected" to look after the grandchild!

There really isn't any shortcut here - you have to set boundaries and stick to them. So if your boundary is, for example, that you won't visit if she is going to complain at you, then you give her one warning and if she ignores you you walk out and don't go back. These are things that she chooses if she disrespects your boundaries, not things that you do to her. If she then apologises / asks you back you reset the boundary so she knows what it is, then if she breaks it again you are out of there. You stand up for your boundaries every single time with no remorse. If she doesn't learn, that's on her.

Tell her you're moving to the UK and see what she says to that...

She sounds overbearing, self involved, cruel and a little narcissistic.

What has 15 years of therapy taught you? Are you learning to adapt to how you need to be because of her personality traits or are you venting about her because I think you need to do the former. You need to detach emotionally from her because she is an emotional vampire. If she isn’t happy with her life that is her job to fix never yours. DH and I grew up in very abusive households. There is plenty of behaviour similar to your mothers but we shut them right down and leave them to sort themselves out, it is so much better than dealing with draining idiots I promise.

Your mum is being selfish and ridiculous. It’s not like you are living in another country. I could understand it if you were in Melbourne but you are an hour and a half away! My daughter is the same distance from me. She comes in the school holidays and I go in between. We FaceTime and text. I feel just as close to her and my grandchildren as the ones who live 20 minutes away. This is on her. She can make the effort or potentially lose you all. Please don’t spend your pregnancy feeling guilty. It’s not good for you or the baby.

@JessieJackets You are most definitely not a selfish daughter! Your mother is way out of line in treating you that way. I’m a mother with a daughter, and if she should be so fortunate in her future to have a loving partner with a baby on the way and living in a beautiful place that she loves I would be the happiest mum on earth. Parenting is this bittersweet mix of wanting your child close but raising them so they have the capability to go anywhere in life. The emotional closeness should be strong enough to survive geographical distance. And 90 minutes away is nothing! Though I do wonder in your case whether it’s actually too close by. Loving mothers do not behave this way. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, OP.

Hi OP, I would just keep reminding her she moved to the otherside of the world and you're only 1.5 hours away.

I had both my dc in the UK before moving home to Aus. It was tough for my DP but they were always so supportive.

She should realise how lucky she is.

1.5 hrs away isn't even far, and in terms of distance in Australia it's basically round the corner! I moved further away in the UK from my family and had my child.

Sadly her behaviour to you has left you feeling not in charge and empowered when you don't speak with her because of her unreasonable behavior, you feel as you've described.

Her form of emotional abuse is insidious, but soon you'll have your own child to care for and the exhausting post partum stage of becoming a parent. It's time now to assert yourself to her, spelling out how her behaviour isn't going to get her what she wants and is pushing you further away, but also you need to wake on being okay with potentially not having much of a relationship with her in your own mind.

Post partum hormones can make you triply anxious, more prone to sad thoughts and second guessing. Mental resilience and putting your mum in her place regarding her behaviour needs to start ASAP. I hope things work out, your mother is being ridiculous. You're allowed to be miss your kids when they move away but not to voice it constantly and aggressively.

She's being absolutely ridiculous and needs to get a grip.

I live abroad and it takes me about 6 hours to get to my parents. I know my mum wishes we lived closer but she's not having tantrums about it.

Tell your mum that you're not moving, so either she accepts it and stops trying to emotionally blackmail you, or you will visit less often than you currently do.

Driving 90 minutes every week to visit her is a lot, you're already going above and beyond, and it won't be sustainable once you have a young child. How often does she come to visit you? There's no way you're going to drive 90 minutes to see your mum every Friday with a school age child, or probably even with a baby/toddler.

Anyway, she needs to stop the melodrama. 90 minutes is nothing.

Bloody hell, she is a hypocrite and a toxic nightmare.

This is the most beautiful and wise post. Pin it to your fridge OP. I write as someone with a dreadful mother too. It’s only now that I have children that I realise just how off her parenting is/was. Kind parents put their children’s needs first, and strangely, though I’ve never actually expected anything in return from my lot, I have the kindest and most considerate kids. They are still teens, but one has already asked if “I’d mind” if he moved abroad when older, so he could experience the world. My answer: “no of course not, live your life !”. Oh of course, I’d miss him terribly if that’s what he decides to do, but it’s his life. She is terrible for guilt tripping you on a one hour move away! Congrats on your pregnancy, and (like me) I think once you’re a mum you’ll be (even more, properly !) shocked when you reflect on the nonsense of your mother.