Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

If she's that bothered why doesn't she move to be nearer to you? Please don't let her make you feel guilty, she's being dramatic, entitled and ridiculous

Cut back on your visits to your mum right now with no guilt. You don't need the long drives and the stress. Pregnancy can be knackering. Your priority is you and your baby. Sounds like you have a wonderful set up where you are. Protect it and yourself x

@JessieJackets Hi OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You don’t deserve this at such a significant time in your life.

I just want you to know, as a parent myself, I would be absolutely heartbroken if my children ended up feeling as terrible as you do due to my own selfish actions.

Your Mum is clearly damaged and is damaging you. She should be trying to see things from your perspective and trying to support you.

I have absolutely zero expectations of my children in terms of sacrificing their lives for me- it should be the other way around.

I just want them to thrive and be happy, ideally (if I’ve done a good enough job) they won’t need me at all. And if I have respected them and loved them, they may just want me around even though they don’t need me.

It is a privilege to raise them and I if they get married and have kids, I can’t wait to be the kind of mother in law I would have loved to have myself.

My own mum is wonderful (I’m always asking her to come over!) and you deserve the kind of healthy love and encouragement that a well adjusted mum can give.

Don’t doubt yourself. Think of your child and let your baby be your motivation. Best of luck :)

OP your mum sounds like a classic narcissist. I’d be interested to hear what your therapists have suggested regarding your relationship with her?

Once you have your own baby in your arms and feel that unconditional love you will know how horribly wrong it was of your mother to treat you in the way she has. I hope that protective instinct is a turning point where you can finally tell your mother you won’t be exposing yourself or your child to her toxic behaviour anymore.

you are not a ‘bad’ daughter OP.

There’s all kinds of setups adult kids and their parents live in (from all in one house to other end of the world) what is true for them all is that at the end of the day kids don’t owe their parents anything.

Your mum sounds controlling, unreasonable and immature and I’d get some serious boundaries in place.

Focus on you and your unborn baby. Be kind to yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy

Your mother and childhood were toxic.
You do not want this pregnancy stress and a similar childhood for your child.

Do not contact her.
Stop the visiting.
Be thankful she doesn't live near you.

When your baby arrives you will want to protect it, the way you were not.

Start now by stepping back from her toxicity.

Parents are not owed a future from their children.
We have to accept that they will live their own lives.

Your loyalty is to your baby, not your mother.

One thing I learnt in counselling is that if you don’t have that internal guilty feeling, no one can make you feel guilty ( if that makes sense). Having some boundaries and being clear in your head you don’t have anything to feel guilty about will mean she cannot trigger you. Her over reaction is not normal. What was she like as a parent when you were growing up? Sorry if you have already discussed it, I haven’t read the whole thread.

Speaking as an older person with a grandchild who lives with my son and daughter-in-law about an hour away by car....

It's not up to them to arrange my involvement in their lives. It's up to me. They have enough to do, working fulltime, bringing up a kid, building a life. I have plenty to do too, but I choose my own priorities. If being around my grandchild is important, then I need to make it easy for them to accommodate me.

Listen - you're not a bad child. In fact, it's not even your job to be a good child, whatever that means. Your job is to be a good mother.

It's up to your mother to be a good grandmother. But, frankly, I don't think she's likely to manage that.

I really agree with this. Also: speaking as a mother (old now) you have the right and the necessity of taking care of yourself and your pregnancy first, before any “duty” to your mother.

Your mother is a bad mother. Rather than loving, enjoying, and supporting you in your life choices she whines endlessly and makes you miserable. Thats bad. Objectively bad. Look at books like “Will I ever be good enough” and “Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” to kearn how to gently detach, accept her limitations, and start to live more freely. You and your dh and the new baby need time and space to flourish. Take the months of the pregnancy to get ready for this new reality. Focus on yourself and baby and your new little family’s needs.

Time to sit down with your mother and have an honest discussion. Do you want this drip feeding going into the lives of your children and indeed your future? Please do something before your mental health suffers. She has no right to control you or guilt trip you into anything.

Your mum sounds very emotionally immature and manipulative. That is what has 'stolen' her ideallyic future - her unwillingness to adapt and and compromise. Accept the reality of life and make the best of it.

You could move next door to her and she would find something else to be a victim over. Until she does the hard work of unpicking why she is like/realising it is not a healthy way to be this it is completely of your hands. Pandering to her won't help her.

All you can do is work on your response to your mum. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, but it is your responsibility unfortunately to do the work around fully living this and protecting your child from any fallout into the next generation.

I speak as someone with a mother like yours who has now been "free" for 7 years.

You are not being selfish or a bad daughter for growing up, becoming an adult, and building a life for yourself.

You had the right to make a decision with your husband to buy the house of your choosing in the town of your choice without apology or explanation.

Your mother is a miserable person who only feels slightly better by making others miserable too.

Your mother is the selfish one, not you.

You do not want this kind of negative energy around your child.

I could continue, but I doubt there is anything I could say that your therapist hasn't already told you. You are not responsible for your mother's negativity, but you are in charge of how you react to it.

When you tell her about the baby, I'd share it with the same positivity you would with anyone else. Yes, you are bracing for her manipulative, selfish, rant, and she will surely deliver! I'd sit in silence until she is finished and set a firm boundary by simply saying, "I'm sorry you have chosen to make this all about you." Whatever her reaction is, do not engage. Say someone is at the door so you must get off the phone.

If you decide to remain in contact with your mother, you will need to learn not to react to her tantrums, because reaction is exactly what she is looking for.

Please do not let her spoil this for you. She will try, but you have the power not to let her.

The location sounds lovely, the mother not so much!!!

Your Mum is being crazily demanding.

I have 3 adult married DC with their own families and by chance 2 live fairly near but one is a long distance away.

Their lives - their decision. Nothing to do with me. We whatsapp endlessly and see the distant one about 3 times a year.

Your mother should not be loading this guilt ion you - it is absolutely out of order. You must not let it spoil anything in your life.

I can't understand why you take the trouble to drive to hers every Friday just to get an ear-bashing! I can see your halo from here!

Now that you are pregnant you have to change. Fifteen years in therapy shows it's not working. You're an adult and have a responsibility be a good parent now. Over and above being what you think is a good daughter. Decide you are going to do what is best for your and your family and do it. Think about what you are scared of if you stand up to your mum. Be honest with yourself. Otherwise everything as is will stay the same but be worse and harder as you'll be subjecting your child to her bullying as well as trying to bring up a baby.

I live 5 hours from my mother. I visit several times a year and speak regularly on the phone. She knows I have my own life to live. That's how it should be.

Yout mother is talking nonsense. An hour and a half drive away is nothing, some children emigrate! You still see her regularly, once a week is quite good and she can surely visit you for a few days here and there when you have your baby.

Stealing her future is something you are not doing, your mother's future should not depend on you living around the corner.

She is trying to emotionally blackmail you which is wicked. Tell her that, straight, and let her get on with it.

JFC, this sounds so suffocating to me. Your mom sounds so narcissistic. The point of parenting is to raise happy, independent adults. Part of the heartbreak of being a parent is watching your children live their own lives and being happy for them. Your mom needs her own life and to be told to suck it up. You don't owe her anything and she can either be happy to see you when you choose, or maybe you choose to not see her at all in the future.

With kindness OP, she’s being horribly manipulative and you have zero obligation to drive and see her weekly. Her future, and her involvement in future grandchildren, is in her hands. If she wants to spend time with them, she makes the effort - though from what you’ve said, I’d keep her at the end of a long pole. I’m sorry you have dealt with this kind of shit all of your life - she’s not your problem to please and conform to any more.

My mum recently said I had 'broken her heart' about choices I made too. It's incredibly selfish attitude and really unfair. It's your life and you want the best for you and your family. I wonder if she's realising she not the 'main player' and central focus anymore and is finding it hard to acknowledge.

If she really wants that life she would move closer. Perhaps her own 'precious house' is too much to give up....

Advice, is to say this is what you feel is best for you and you hope she will come around to seeing that. You look forward to her continuing to be a big part of your life.

Op, your reactions and the state of limbo you are in because your mother is unhappy with you is very, very similar to the dynamic I have with my on mum.

She is very controlling and cannot see beyond how things impact her. All is well when things go her own way but she becomes a frightening, tantrumming person when they do not. As a child, I learned to anticipate her moods and walk on eggshells to keep her happy. It has meant that I have strong people-pleasing tendencies as an adult.

I have no advice really, as truthfully they never change. BUT, I have found that trying to rationalise with her makes things worse. Once you make up your mind to do something, you have to stick to it or else it teaches her that if she nags and quarrels enough, you will give in. My situation is even more complex as due to cultural (both ethnic and social) norms, I have now taken over the family home (only child) and my mum lives with and is totally financially dependent on me so it can be tough.

With time, we do have a better relationship but you have to hold firm and shut things down when she begins to emotionally ambush you. Make it clear you're not changing your mind and walk away before things escalate.

But I get it, deep down, it bothers you when they stop talking to you (emotional manipulation) and it feels like you're still a little child constantly seeking their validation.

For god's sake don't let her move to you! She is toxic with you - why would she not also be toxic with your children?

Tell her clearly that:

• she gets much more energy and attention from you than most mothers of adult children in 2025 - it's a different world now.
• Even if it wasn't, it's unhealthy for parents to demand to be the focus of their adult children's lives.
• When you have children they will be your focus - you will not be able to devote as much time to her as you do now.
• In the meantime, her digs and demands are only damaging your relationship - she is risking a more distant relationship with you and any children you have in the future.

Short sharp shock has the most chance of getting through - and stick to what you say.

You're not a bad selfish daughter. Your mum is the selfish one here. Just because she gave birth to you, doesnt mean she owns you and your future.
Must be difficult to create boundaries, but you must.

Imagine some of us get married and have babies in different countries and continents, away from our moms! You could too if you wanted to. Its your life.

It wouldn't matter where you were living OP....even if you lived next door it wouldn't be enough for her. And of course she doesn't like the area you live in....because you like it and she won't admit to liking something that you like. I'd stay away as much as possible because when your baby arrives she'll get worse.

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

You're not a bad daughter, your mother is a bad, toxic mother.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-toxic-mother-5204882