Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

Your mum is full of BS and a really vile selfish cow. Stop visiting her now and don’t tell her about baby for a few weeks. She can’t have chronic fatigue and ride a motorbike for hours in my non medical view. She just tells a story to suit her feelings.

Your mother is manipulative, nasty and controlling. From your earlier posts, this has always been the case. if your 15 years of therapy has not helped, you needed a better therapist a long time ago. Please look into that.
It's easy for me to say but you don't need to feel any guilt whatsoever for moving a short distance away. As you say, Sydney prices are out of reach for the majority of young people now so you have done what you had to do and are living your life with your DH, just as you should be doing.
Don't contact your mother. You gain absolutely nothing from this relationship. Cut back massively on visits, assuming you choose to continue to see her. Take support from your partner and friends. Do not allow her continue to upset and manipulate you, especially now that you are pregnant.

Goodness me!

YOU are not responsible for your Mother's future, she is. Up to her to make it one which you and you child want to share.

Sounds like she's already there.

Maybe a letter is a good idea? Is it weird that I hope she is talking to me again before my birthday next month? I feel like such a child. I could cry from how hopeless I feel.

Yes of course you feel like a child because she didn't mother you properly - she didnt emotionally nurture you to become the fully rounded, resilient, independent adult which is our job. She has inflicted an emotional wound which keeps you subjugated to her volatility and chasing her withheld approval. Emotionally hijacked like a puppet on a string. We all require unconditional love so that we are confident in this world but she wont give you that to keep you trapped in a childlike psyche. Rentless hope. Hopeless and helpless.

Yet - you are not a child now and are about to have your own. You cannot have your energy, time, headspace and peace derailed and drained by her any longer. You need not to see her as your 'mother' anymore and you as her 'child' trying to please and soothe her - but relegate her to just another person on this planet who either brings joy and comfort to your life or doesnt. If its the latter - she has no place in your life - you need to shed this enmeshed toxic person - or at least keep her at the end of a very long pole - give her very little info into your life - be vague.

Seriously, you owe her nothing. Stop the weekly visits and stop caring about her approval. You have your new family unit which like you said she moved from England for hers! Please don’t subject your child to this

And stop suggesting she moves near you or she’ll do it and make your life hell

She's ridiculous. Quite apart from anything else, it is your life, you can live wherever you wish, and you are not some sort of brood mare for her hypothetical grandchildren.

Supposing you chose not to have dcs until your 40s. What is she going to do, whine about it for 20 years.

I have 4 sisters. None of us lived within 60 miles of DM. My brother waited until he was 45 to marry. I spent 15 years working abroad. We had lives and careers and partners. We didn't want to restrict ourselves to living in the same few square miles.

YANBU

She sounds like she needs the therapy much more than you do...

The comments she made to you are awful. I'd be thankful that she wasn't looking after your children every day since she would clearly be using them in her quest to punish you for everything she thinks is wrong with her life and I think you should take steps to protect them from that.

I don't know what to advise on how to deal with her.. her behaviour is ingrained maybe your therapist could give you some strategies.. but they have had 15 years and it doesn't seem to be workign so you need a new one.

Your mum focuses on making you feel constantly guilty. That's on her not you.

She would do that however mch you pander to her. You've wisely moved a reasonable distance away which will help.

Please find someone in RL to talk to you about how to deal with this because she will only get worse when there is a baby inthe picture.

I guess I might do a pros and cons, (worked for me in the past).. Something like what is reasonable (for you) in what you want from your life. And what is reasonable in what she wants from you. What is unreasonable?

Maybe discussing this with your partner would help.. Then think about how do you dissuade her from the unreasonable stuff. or decide how much you want to see her - if she starts with the guilt tripping / How would you react when she starts up during a visit (I'd leave after saying, (without arguing) I took the time to visit you to enjoy your company, you are clearly not enjoying mine so I will go) . She's not talking to you at the moment.. I'd take the break.. Don't run back apologising or she will see how effective that is.

But really I'm no expert. so get RL advice.

I've been there, OP. Not to this level but I know it hurts.

It wasn't my Mum who did it, it was my Nan. She has lived her entire life in the small Midlands town she was born in and all but one of her kids have, too. My Mum had me young so Nan was very involved in my life growing up. I do feel lucky to have had that and I love my GP's to absolute bits.

I guess that was the norm in the 50's-70's but for generations after life has just changed. Social mobility and the rise in women working means we have more choice and see that positively.

To them, though? Not a good thing.

I've lived away from the town for many years (couldn't wait to get out ASAP) and they were fine with it. Until I had a baby.

At that time we lived around a 45 minute drive away and, ironically, ended up buying a house even closer, but at the time when they saw we were looking at properties up to an hour away my Nan went IN on me.

I got the whole 'You let us fall in love with that child and now you're going to rip them away from us!!' and 'You are breaking your Mother's heart!!' - all of the emotional blackmail tropes came at me. HARD.

I felt so bad, BUT it really pissed me off. We were trying to do the best thing for our child, and the best thing was NOT the city we lived in OR the shitty little town they did!

None of the placating conversations worked - just got more guilting - so I just told her the truth and told her her emotional blackmail wasn't going to work.

She was STUNNED but it worked.

Be honest with Mum, OP. She needs to know her tactics are going to push you away, not bring you closer.

All good advice on here. I'm of the persuasion that this relationship is beyond repair, unfortunately. It sounds like, over the years, your mother has worked herself into a place of poor mental health, for what no doubt seemed valid reasons to her. But there's no fixing that, unless and until she herself wants to. And she doesn't sound close to it.

The only thing I would say is, don't fob her off with white lies and excuses (Sorry I can't visit - I'm so busy, the car broke down, DP is ill etc). A master manipulator like her can sniff out a lie a mile off. She'll be delighted - this is her area of expertise, not yours - and she'll use it to strengthen the narrative that she's the long-suffering mum and you're the selfish daughter.

If you don't want to go full non-contact, my advice would be to keep your side of the communication brief, reasonable and honest. She will come back at you with the full force of her emotional armoury: imagine an invisible shield around you and let it bounce off you. Don't compromise your own values to placate her, or feel compelled to justify yourself to her.

Edge away slowly. Let silences happen in conversation. Respond mildly to accusations of neglect, selfishness and the rest: "We both know that's not true." She'll bluster and think of every way she can to upset you. Then it's "Ok, time I was going Mum. Take care." It's okay to leave arrangements for future visits hanging.

Her behaviour is childlike, and that's how you have to treat her. Show her you mean business and stick to it. And if nothing changes - going NC is not the worst thing in the world. Best thing I ever did for my MH. Good luck OP.

Why are you pandering to the demands of someone whose behaviour has led to you needing 15 years of therapy? What on earth can a therapist do to help you if you won’t help yourself OP? She has been actively stealing your future from you your entire life-you need to wake up and find your anger. If not for you then for your child, because you will be modelling very poor behaviour for them if you let this nonsense carry on.

Your mother is a nightmare.

For the sake of your sanity, your relationship with your husband, and your future child, please stop pandering to her. She will continue to manipulate and guilt trip you into doing stuff which you don't want to do.

Time to grow a pair and prioritise those who matter most to you, and who will love you, and prioritise you, in a way your mother is not able to.

I'm sorry she's doing this to you. Take it from someone who learned the hard way, you need to put boundaries in place now and don't budge! If you give even an inch she's going to emotionally blackmail you for the rest of her life. Draw that line in the sand now and don't negotiate.

OP it makes me sad that you’ve been in therapy for 15 years and still don’t recognise it’s not you. Please limit your mother’s interaction with any DC and change therapists.

Makes me angry that some therapist has taken so much money off @JessieJackets for fifteen years . What a quack

your mother is being absolutely ridiculous. You're perfectly entitled to do what you want and live where you want and how you want I'd be putting an end to visiting every Friday while she's acting so unreasonable. Yur job as a parent is to raise healthy independent adults and she shouldn't be trying to live her life through you. There's no need to tell her you're pregnant until you decide you are ready to enjoy your pregnancy and your house. Whatever she says I would just be like a stuck record and say we are happy with our choices.

Hi OP,

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I come from a similarly toxic family, and found Family Constellation work very useful. Look it up, see if it's something that resonates. Good luck.

This is an incredibly cruel way to treat your daughter - how dare she manipulate you like this. The thinking that you don't know whether you'll hear from her before your birthday is just mean spirited and she knows that.

You seem to think she is a support - this is not in any way supportive or kind behaviour and to be honest she needs to grow the fuck up and start acting like a mum

Id also certainly not encourage her to move near you, thats the last thing you want.

Look forward to baby arriving and hopefully you'll make some really good mum friends.

I read “as a grandma of 70” as meaning you have 70 grandchildren then - I was impressed!! 😂🙈🙈

As a pp suggested - tell her you're moving to England. You/your husband has got a fantastic job there.

Ignore her for a couple of weeks, then see how she feels.

But whatever, you need, for the sake of your children, to leave her behind. She is not more important to you than your children.

Thank you, your comment made me smile

Haha I actually considered telling her I cannot have children, just to see if she cares for me as a daughter, or as a factory to make her some grandkids...

Ahh it's been covered by Victim Services, so I have not paid. We had a lot of other things in addition to my mum to work through...

No you're right. Thank you.