Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

She’s a needy entitled manipulative cow. Tell her the world doesn’t revolve around what she wants and if that’s too much for her she can try never seeing you again.

You might actually need her help in the coming months. You will be very busy.

She's always been a shit mum to OP, threatening to self-harm if she doesn't get her own way. Does she sound like the sort of person that you want helping you with your new baby? She's a co-dependent, guilt-tripping nightmare who expects OP to be her carer.

The only way to deal with an emotionally immature parent is to go grey rock or cut them off. She will not change. You have to protect your child that you are bringing in to the world. Do not feel any guilt, is she? Making you feel bad for setting boundaries and making choices that you have to. I can not stand manipulative people, parents or not. She is meant to want the best for you when in actual fact you don’t factor in to it. She wants the best for herself at any cost. I hope you find peace with whatever decision you have to make.

Given what the OP has posted about her mother I don't think she is likely to be much help. She has always centred herself and been demanding of OP's time and energy, that's not going to change. If she turns up while the OP has a tiny baby she will almost certainly cause more work and not contribute at all, and then have a dramatic meltdown over something before flouncing off (or being kicked out by the OP's DH).

When you're a bit further along in your pregnancy start looking for the local support groups for parents. It'll be useful for you to have people to talk to and sources of up to date advice. Even well meaning and well behaved grandparents are sometimes out of date in the advice they give.

Consider couples counselling with your husband- not because anything is wrong but because newborns are hard and tiring and you want to be on the same page as each other re your mum and maybe other issues in advance.

Every Friday? You need to stop this right now.

We are given children to raise them to care for themselves and make their own lives.

Your mom should be happy as long as you are happy. Your children aren’t about her…it sounds like you will struggle and that she is manipulative.

No you are not.

OK, I take it back. She stole her own future.

She’s lucky you live in the same country! My daughter moved to Australia, I’m in the uk and she’s my only child!

Stop visiting her every week - that's far too often. And if she carries on making a fuss, stop phoning her too. She's being ridiculous - you haven't even moved very far. Just enjoy your new home with your own family.

dear @JessieJackets you are neither selfish nor unreasonable.
What you have is a narcissistic mother. There's lots of literature & online material about this, which may help you. Plus, as you say, you've already had years of therapy.
I'm sure your therapist has (very gently) already indicated to you that the only way that actually works is to cut off all contact from such a parent. Hard, but true.
So, if that ends up being your choice, DON"T feel guilty about putting yourself, your husband and your baby first.
Read up on "The Drama Triangle", learn to "step out of the triangle"; learn to be assertive - there's MASSES online about this.

Start with learning how to say NO.
You'll be setting a good precedent for your darling baby.

Therapy x 15 years due to mother?my god.. Get rid, you have alot of happiness to come with baby,but babies also bring stress, you dont need a toxic mother on top telling you everything you say and do is wrong, cut her off before she ruins your family lifex

I'd say your therapy isn't working if you are on MN asking if you are a bad daughter. You quite obviously aren't and your mother is the one with issues.

These are great books to read to move you on emotionally:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/B01F2L1DMU/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1ZFCQJ8RE4BBD&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.XR8TJ2P9ticsGv9fmsPov0iLpGg7UETLm1WCn00hs2aKCbZq9cysbX7v0hKUpUwgGpcmJZ8yY7UyPFeWebyypkXElq3U6vD7r51EqGmCB9H4T-yL2vauexfb0Ft1qqS5nN8AxvfANEKJQetzZPbGBNIIBxQflLAe4BCdQ68WbMCnbO_LmFD0Dnb2tQUUPr_tTY_rcBdPihEplfo2BSy0cNlN6iJXGgajBeaeE9_fy04.STcg6qZcA8hN_eABzPbSc08dggfSArNNUvxpoA7C5w0&dib_tag=se&keywords=adult+children+of+emotionally+immature+parents&qid=1753816086&s=books&sprefix=emotionally%2Cstripbooks%2C57&sr=1-1

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=pd_lpo_d_sccl_2/258-0023207-8649671?pd_rd_w=0ugGB&content-id=amzn1.sym.bb13d3fc-af40-4fff-a822-e0e4c415da96&pf_rd_p=bb13d3fc-af40-4fff-a822-e0e4c415da96&pf_rd_r=MQTQSRG09WW18H85QJRQ&pd_rd_wg=Ji9Vm&pd_rd_r=e12fd465-8a80-4dde-9e48-8d7bb7f182f6&pd_rd_i=006220436X&psc=1

OP, we are used to responding to our emotions as if they are a reliable indicator of what is happening around us. But sometimes they are a trained response from other people who have used them as a way to control us.

So when you feel guilty, its worth taking a step back (end the conversation if you need to), and taking a moment to think about what you are responding to. Could this response be what the other person is trying to make you feel? Is there some gain for them if you feel this way? If a friend of yours was in the same situation, would you think they should feel the way you do?

Imagine the little girl you were when you were first made to feel guilty. What does she need right now? Quiet time/a hug/a warm drink? Get yourself something to cuddle. Imagine what you would say to little you to make her see the situation for what it is - emotional manipulation by your mother.

Get a copy of "Stop Walking On Eggshells" too = its full of helpful techniques for dealing with people like your mum.

From what you are saying, and the insight you already have, you may find it easier to set your boundaries when your child comes. Although pregnancy and after can make anxiety worse, it can also do the opposite - I have seen a number of people whose anxiety is much better once they are mothers because they wont put up with any more shit.

Your mother is a manipulating selfish cow.
why on earth are you visiting her every day?????!!!! Have you no boundaries?
I suggest you start growing a backbone otherwise this awful woman will kill your marriage.
sorry for the tough comments but this is a serious issue and you need to start taking control of your life.

That is parenting done right. We are in the uk and my son had the opportunity of going to university in the USA which he did. After university he stayed and got married. I miss him terribly, but it’s his life. As a family we are lucky that we are able to see each other a couple of times a year and we talk every weekend and WhatsApp daft stuff daily. My daughter lives 10 mins down the road and I don’t see or talk to her as much as she has a full time job and a young son and weekends are very precious to her and her husband. She knows I’m here if needed but I do not resent her living her life the way she sees fit, and when we do spend time together it’s great.

Been there, done that. He’s been in the USA 19 years and he was 19 when he went to university there. I miss him terribly but it works. WhatsApp is great for daily inconsequential chatter and we usually find time to have a good long call at the weekends. Hang in there it’ll work out in the long run. Also sending a huge empathetic hug.🤗

You need to nip this in the bud- now. If she brings it up , shut it down with :”Mum, I am happy where I live. End of conversation.” . When you are pregnant, you don’t need the stress. If she’s so unhappy, she can move to you.

I had a mother who caused so much stress when I was pregnant. It got to the point when I ended up in hospital my blood pressure kept shooting up. No one could work out why until my mother called me just before a BP reading and it had shot up after. The midwives told my partner to field my calls as it wasn’t good for me.

Excellent analysis and advice here by Snackattacked.
Your dm is toxic. Don't react to her accusations and provocation.
Remain calm and silent when she speaks. Don't answer or give fuel to her fire.
Don't call or visit if possible. Stop thinking about what she says.
Keep your distance, physically, mentally, emotionally.

Prioritize yourself, your future child and husband. You cannot change or help her! It is not your job . She is toxic to you. Keep her away from you.

What's really sweet is that when you were talking about your future children earlier it was all about how you want to give them a happy childhood. Your baby isn't even born yet and your thoughts are about what you can do for them. That's what parenting should be all about. Not insisting that it's the children's responsibility to make the parent happy in the way that your mother is.

She is completely unreasonable! My daughter moved to northern Scotland and it looked as though she'd settle there. I never said a word! Now she is an hour away I count myself blessed to have her so close. Who drives an hour and a half EVERY week to see a healthy parent?! She needs to get a life!

Thank you I have the adult children of emotionally immature parents one, it was very enlightening.

What I struggle with now is the bridge between what I KNOW cognitively (that she does not behave in a mature loving way) and the false(?) guilt she gave me (that maybe I actually CAN'T cope without her, maybe i AM wrong for moving away from a mother who wants to help me)