Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

I live in Australia and was about to tell you that my parents and inlaws are of course sad we don’t live at home but come to visit whenever they can and speak to us regularly. Then I saw you live here too and so does your mum!

She knows that 1.5 hours is nothing here and many of her friends will be in the same situation. If they knew she was giving you this much grief I’m sure they’d have something to say! She really isn’t far away and I suspect that if you did live close by there would be something else she’d be hammering you with.

Seriously this is on your mum and I think you know that. Congratulations on your pregnancy OP, perhaps this will give you the opportunity to evaluate what’s important in your life and make some changes to your relationship with her.

God No!

Don't do that.

She is toxic and selfish.

Keep your distance

Is it the same therapist?

I think you may need a new one

15 years is a long time - has any of it helped?

Interesting that your mother doen't pressurise your sister the way she does you. Have you considered why that might be? Was it like that when you were growing up? What boundaries does your sister have in place? Have you discussed this with your sister?
We raise our kids to fly.. make their own way in life.. follow their dreams.. hopefully we have followed our own. Our kids owe us nothing. We should expect nothing. It doesn't matter if they live their lives in the house next door or a thousand miles away, the relationship can still be close and involved.
Step away from your mother.. we are not entitled to relationships jyst because there is a blood tie. Like respect, relationships are an ongoing work in progress. And without respect there can be no relationship.
Be strong, very soon you will have a child to raise and protect.
Do a better job than your mother.

I'd write a letter explaining how she's making you feel. I'd not tell her about the baby until you're at a safe spot. Because stress hormones can really affect the baby. If it means not visiting her for a while then its worth it, to protect the baby. You can ring her and just say you're not feeling well enough to drive or that the car's broken down etc. I do think visiting her every day is excessive. Once a month would be enough after the baby's born. Put your baby and yourself first, like your mum did when she moved to Australia.

You need to get tough and tell your mum that where you live is no longer a topic of discussion, and that if she says anything about it being far from her or that you have stolen her future, that you will get up and walk out of the house every time. And you have to mean it and do it.

Also, you need to start cutting back the visits soon. Perhaps start during maternity leave and tell her you're too tired.

It doesn't sound like your mum is particularly good for your mental health OP. I think the next time she starts guilt tripping you, you should cut her off immediately and tell her that if she wants to continue with a relationship with you, she needs to stop. Nip it in the bud every single time until she gets the message.

I think it would be incredibly stressful for you and your partner if you lived close enough to her that you would see her every day!! We live about a 15 minute drive (or about an hour on busses) from both sets of grandparents and we don’t see them daily!! We usually see them about once every 2 weeks, sometimes weekly and sometimes it can be about 3 weeks depending on what everyone is working/has planned 🤷‍♀️ I know that my partners family would definitely like more frequent visits but we do what we can and they are all still working so schedules just don’t always line up 🤷‍♀️
Your future child and your little family need to come first 💕

Op massive congratulations on your lovely news and well done to you on getting a beautiful home and decent relationship! I wanted to say that as i feel your mum doesn't heap any praise on you.

I have a controlling mother and we are estranged due to her control and in recent years her nasty behaviour has got out of control. It started when I got married and had kids. She would make faces at what I would cook for my kids or anything at all to dominate and control me.

Keep strong !!

So she’s allowed to move to the other aide if the world but you’re outrageous by moving 1.5 hours up the road (when she regularly does 2 hr motorcycle rides)? At the very least she’s a steaming hypocrite!

I think you need a better therapist. Time to get a grip - her behaviour is BS.

your not a bad daughter at all.
your an hour and a half away. She could easily come to you, if she chose. She doesn’t choose too. That tells you all you need to know.
Others are right, if it wasn’t the distance it would be something else you did “wrong” that she would moan about.

I went LC with my parents a few years ago, I’d tried so hard for them with my children. I’d driven the hour to see the most weeks, tried to involve them in any part of my child’s life. I was desperate for them to approve and love my children. For them to tell me i was doing a good job. That they’d give me the love and support others had.
they never did. I’m in quite extensive therapy now. I’m so sad my children aren’t growing up with the adoring grand parents I had. I’m sad they aren’t involved. I’ve realised history was repeating itself. The way they treated me was how they treated my children.
Although I couldn’t stand up for me, I could stand up for them - it took me longer than it should have.

stand up to your mum now with healthy boundaries for your child, if you can’t for you. Ultimately actions speak louder than words.

congratulations by the way. And I think your absolutely right, access to nature is so important for children. You sound like you’ve created a lovely world for your child to live in.

What an utterly selfish person your DM is?!

The baby is yours and not hers...in fact, in light of how she is, it is probably a good thing that you dont live too close.

An hour and a half is really nothing anyway.

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy and your life sounds lovely!

You know, don't you, that your mother is being vile. It's not you. It's her.

She seems to think you are her future and should devote everything to that. But you are more than that. An individual with a partner, a job, a home, a community, a life and soon a child. You can only spread yourself so thin. Too many women empty themselves into other people - my great aunt gave up her engagement and the. chance of her own home and family to minister to her demanding mother.

Is this just one thing in a lot of memories from childhood onwards? I often say this, but maybe some therapy will help you straighten things out? A professional ear and advice could be so useful.

At the moment you're enacting a parent/adult - child scenario.

Thinking more in terms of adult - adult will help.

You're about to become the parent yourself so this is a great time to reset how you think, feel and behave.

Some assertiveness training will help.

I wouldn't tell anyone yet. Keep it to yourself until you're further on.

Fear of loneliness can be awful. What kind of life does she make for herself, that doesn't involve living off yours?

Also - how old is she?

So your mum isn't speaking to you; I'd call that a win. Let her sulk. I'm sure you don't want your mum to influence your child the way she's influenced you. Just drop the rope and leave her to it. You don't owe her anything. Write a letter, but don't send it; it's very unlikely that she will have a positive response to it, and you'll open yourself up to yet more hurt. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Dear @JessieJackets many congratulations on your pregnancy! Wonderful news.
There are many wise words of advice on here and I hope you will have time to comb through them all.

three main points stick out for me

First - we raise our children to fly and be free.. not to tether them to ourselves. You are absolutely within your rights to live where you want. This is a given in our society. You are not in the wrong here - your mum is absolutely wrong to pressure you.
Keep this truth in your heart and head and use it to push away any guilt she may make you feel.

Second - it sounds like a cliche but when your child is born the axis of your world does very slightly shift. Suddenly the rotation is around your child and you and your DP will focus on your new DC. Amongst many things it can give you a new found strength to fight for how you want your life to be going forward. And your own parents and siblings step back into a wider orbit.

Third - and perhaps the most important really - you need to develop a method where what your mum says and does - stops affecting you so viscerally. Easier said than done, I know!!
She isn’t causing you physical harm, she’s not coming after you threatening to beat you up. So you just have to say “No mum, I can’t do that this week” “I have to go now” - then leave the conversation and then when you’re ready speak again calmly and pleasantly.

The harm can be greatly lessened by how you allow her behaviour to affect you and this is what your therapist could be giving you strategies to help with.

Your focus is now on protecting your baby - and not her. Try to do assertiveness training, meditation, speak to your sister but learn to build boundaries that work for you. And Know you are 100% in the right here to make the visits and frequency and her behaviour work for you.

You need to protect yourself. My Mother was hypercritical of everything I did, my career choices, friends , clothes , pets, relationships etc. I think the plan was to isolate me so that I would be dependent on her for company. I was visiting nearly every day. I helped her to relocate nearer to me and my family. I bought numerous gifts to try and win her over. It went on until I was in my 60’s. Then one day I had a lightbulb moment. I realised that I would never make her happy. I took a step back and looked at her and realised that I would never please her. To cut a long story short she is now in a care home, I visit once a week and she now tries to abuse the care home staff instead of me. You need to live your life as you choose, live where you want to, enjoy the people that love you. Put boundaries in place. You are a good daughter and just not appreciated. Congratulations on your pregnancy, take care of yourself and be confident with your own choices in life.

You need to dump the therapist first as you’ve been robbed! 15 years… geez. And please stop visiting your ma every week. This co dependency needs to stop, it’s not healthy. Let each other go. I don’t mean totally but right now you need to get space from her. Having a baby changes your perspective on a lot of things and you will have a massive psychological shift. You need to prepare for this and it sounds like your mum is going to try to get in your way. Don’t let her. She needs to get a life and cut the guilt tripping crap. And you need to give her a little push to do that by leaving her to her devices for a bit.

It’s so hard.

I’m in the opposite position. We live in an expensive area and my daughter rents a one bedroom flat with her boyfriend and one year old. They are going to move nearer his parents (2.5 hours away) because they could rent a two bedroom house with a garden for less than they’re paying now. It’s a no brainer and I want them to do it although secretly my heartbroken). They’ve invited me to go too (not to live with them but buy nearby) and it’s tempting. I don’t feel tied to this area, although I don’t think my other daughter would come, but the main issue is, my parents are elderly and I don’t think I could or should leave them.

Youre not being selfish at all. Your mum must see that financially you didn’t have a choice and she’s very lucky to see you once a week

I never had children because of my controlling mother. I dreaded her criticism of my mothering. Apparently it deeply upset her, despite her having six grandchildren, because I’m the only daughter and it’s more special 😂

It was a good decision for me, but you at least will have the joy of your child. It will be easier once the baby is born because you will fight like a dragon to protect your child.

Yikes! Don't do this. She will ruin your peace.

I'd cut back on the weekly visits as well.

Op, what is your husband’s say/input in this awful situation?

She is toxic and won’t get any better. You need to see her less. Phone her less. Ditch the guilt - seriously - just ditch it. You are not being selfish, she is. You are not a bad person, she is. You have your own life and family now. Get a decent therapist - the one you have is clearly shit.

You need to see your DM as disordered and toxic.

She is unable to process, integrate or tolerate her own emotions internally so she needs to expell them and has targeted you for discharge in order to temporarily relieve herself of these feelings. There will never be any long term growth - nothing you do will satisfy her - her demands will just get more and more preposperous.

You need to visualise her as a scorpion or hyena - its not 'if' - its just 'when' she will sting or bite you.

So take yourself out of her orbit - not just physically but also emotionally. People like her manipulate others by inciting FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - none of these emotions should ever be a reason to comply with her demands.

She will never change - most likely get much worse as she ages - know this and conserve your finite headspace, time, energy and emotional peace so that it is available to invest in nuturing your new little family and for you to enjoy motherhood. Being associated physically or preoccupied emotionally with this character drains you of what you can give your DC.

Do lots of reading on toxic parents, narc mothers and what raising a healthy securely attached child looks like. Then decide on boundaries - which always come with deadlines and consequences (which are actions not words) eg "If you raise x subject once more I will end the call, get up and leave, not come to visit'.

I would not tell her you are pregnant for as long as you can and would use the time to shore up your emotional defences. Build up the emotional distances. Detach for the benefit of your own experience of motherhood and the emotional well-being of your DC - they do not need this toxic person in their life directly or to witness, sense or hear their caregiver hobbled by another.

OP firstly congratulations on your pregnancy and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

This exact thing happened to me except I already had a child and was expecting another. We couldn’t afford to live near DM anymore, she lives in an area that has become extremely expensive. We found we were compromising our quality of life just for the sake of living near DM, who worked full time anyway and onlY saw us once every two weeks. We decided to move closer to DH family and it was the best decision for our family. I don’t regret it for a second.

My DM was absolutely livid. She threatened to kill herself, claimed she’d never see her grandchildren, that they’d forget she existed, she threatened to remove me from her will, claimed I caused her to have a heart attack. It was bad.

I went minimal contact with her for 6 months and she eventually came about to the idea and visited us a couple of times. Our relationship is a lot better now that we have space, and we spend more meaningful time together because we will stay over at hers for weekends etc. we also have much more support from DH family than we ever did near DM (and less mental warfare).

OP, you need to prioritise yourself. You can’t live for your mother, and it’ll become even more important to do so when you have your child. She will have to adjust and compromise and start visiting you as well. Otherwise, I would reduce contact until she comes to her senses and decides to act sensibly.

Why do some mothers do this, it’s so selfish. I have a 29 year old daughter and would never do this to her. I can’t live my life expecting her to be at my back and call, she needs to spread her wings and fly.

On the other hand I have a mother that expects to be put her first and guilt trips me. She makes everything feel like it’s a duty and that really pisses me off, it’s not fair. We wanted to move elsewhere but because my brother has already moved an hour away we ended up staying local. I feel your pain 🥴