Page 12 | Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

JessieJackets · 2025-07-28T06:12:26+00:00

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc. Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly. Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc. Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 00:23

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 28/07/2025 14:18

All good advice on here. I'm of the persuasion that this relationship is beyond repair, unfortunately. It sounds like, over the years, your mother has worked herself into a place of poor mental health, for what no doubt seemed valid reasons to her. But there's no fixing that, unless and until she herself wants to. And she doesn't sound close to it.

The only thing I would say is, don't fob her off with white lies and excuses (Sorry I can't visit - I'm so busy, the car broke down, DP is ill etc). A master manipulator like her can sniff out a lie a mile off. She'll be delighted - this is her area of expertise, not yours - and she'll use it to strengthen the narrative that she's the long-suffering mum and you're the selfish daughter.

If you don't want to go full non-contact, my advice would be to keep your side of the communication brief, reasonable and honest. She will come back at you with the full force of her emotional armoury: imagine an invisible shield around you and let it bounce off you. Don't compromise your own values to placate her, or feel compelled to justify yourself to her.

Edge away slowly. Let silences happen in conversation. Respond mildly to accusations of neglect, selfishness and the rest: "We both know that's not true." She'll bluster and think of every way she can to upset you. Then it's "Ok, time I was going Mum. Take care." It's okay to leave arrangements for future visits hanging.

Her behaviour is childlike, and that's how you have to treat her. Show her you mean business and stick to it. And if nothing changes - going NC is not the worst thing in the world. Best thing I ever did for my MH. Good luck OP.

Thank you. You're right, she sees herself as the victim of the world really. I actually have a lot of empathy for her even still. It's a sad way that she lives, but also I can't fix it (I have tried). no one can make her happy.

A lot of comments here are right... the only one who can take a stand is me. I do need to grow a pair...

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 00:28

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 28/07/2025 09:22

Why does she guilt trip you and not your sister? Do you have any idea? Did she treat you differently growing up.

I don’t suggest this lightly, but I think you should consider going no contact or at least very very low contact. It doesn’t sound like the relationship brings you any benefits at all. You do not owe your abusive parents a relationship.

My sister is a strong woman, and put in firm boundaries very young. She was horribly treated by my mother as a result, told she was the birth of r*pe and other awful terrible cruel things. My sister still has mum in her life, but a LOT less. It helps that she was the youngest, so was never raised to be the carer. But I wish I had the strength to take a leaf out of my sister's book. I will try.

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 29/07/2025 00:29

We aren’t going to follow dd city to city as she moves through early adulthood. Once she settles down somewhere though, our plan is to move/retire somewhere with reasonable access to wherever she lives. It might be the same city, but it also might just be someplace with convenient transportation and travel time. We will balance affordability and our personal needs with access. We want to be close, but not suffocate her or bankrupt ourselves.

tldr: your mother could move if it really bothered her that much

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 00:33

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 28/07/2025 09:45

Your mother is working out some personal trauma of her own through the medium of her you, her daughter - and will continue to do so through your kids.

You're doing the right thing in having therapy to help you end the cycle. That's not being a bad daughter, that's just emotional intelligence. Your mother is the one who needs therapy. She's desperate to keep you in the role of caregiver, and will happily ruin your life if that's what it takes to do so.

@heldinadreamhas nailed it. You've achieved amazing things OP in breaking free, asserting your own needs and establishing a stable, loving relationship. So, it's really sad and not what we want as daughters or as mothers - but now that you're starting your own family, push has come to shove. You cannot let this disturbed individual use your DC as another tool to 'punish' and manipulate you with forever more.

I hear what you're saying about you 'trapping' yourself, an understandable reaction from an abused child. I'm not a therapist and wouldn't know how you dismantle that kind of internalised oppression.

But I do know that motherhood is a fast track to changing everything. What you might previously have tolerated becomes intolerable. Your priorities become crystal clear. You'll do anything for the health and welfare of your baby - which is inextricably bound up with your health and welfare.

Use that feeling to break free from this relationship, which sadly is long past repair.

Thank you that feels pretty optimistic actually. Push HAS come to shove. I WANT to have the strength to protect myself and my baby and my peace. I WANT to stop feeling ruled by guilt and anxiety. I have new priorities now and it's the peaceful and caring family life I never had. I want to take my kids to weekend sports, and go on bush walks, and to the beach, and all the nice things I didn't get to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 00:34

Truly, thank you all for so many kind messages and insights, I am overwhelmed by your love and I am reading every message <3

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 00:36

Rycbar · 28/07/2025 08:56

Your mum sounds exactly like my Grandma. I spent every single Saturday going to visit her because she insisted my mum take me. We never did anything child friendly, it was always something she wanted to do but I just had to be there. I HATED it, if she’d actually tried to foster a relationship with me by making some fond memories (take the 6 year old to the park not marks and spencers) I now have absolutely no relationship with my Grandma and as soon as I was old enough to stay at home on my own I refused to go anymore. It sounds really dramatic but I resent her so much because she basically stole every single Saturday of my childhood. No play dates, no getting up a bit later, no rubbish morning kids TV! My mum looks back now and wishes she’d stood up to her and said no but I don’t blame her - she was obviously doing the same thing you are - trying to appease your mother because she guilts you but really, is that the type of person you want around your kids?

I don't want to let what happened to you happen to my kids! Thank you for sharing that.

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 00:55

Meandery · 28/07/2025 09:04

I feel for you OP. My mum is difficult. After my first child 10 years ago I slowly ended up distancing myself psychologically from her as I needed to prioritise my children, not her, and she needed me to sometimes prioritise her wants over their needs. I tried to thread the needle and keep the relationship the same but my mum felt the psychological distance and pushed and pushed. Last October we ended up in this WhatsApp back and forth and she was getting steadily angrier and more unkind even though I kept my messages very calm. In the end one morning I blocked her after a particularly angry message because it was making me ill dealing with her. I thought it was just for the day or something, just to give me a breather, but it's now been nearly 10 months since we've spoken. The time and space has really given me clarity.

I'm not suggesting that the route for you but wanted to share that I really understand this absolutely dismayed, panicky, terrible feeling you must have after this week of not speaking. I felt so awful, and so confused, like I was causing her this terrible pain by not responding how she wanted. I felt that way for months. I was also raised to be a caregiver for her and I feel in my core and heart that it's my role, and should be my role, as a good daughter, to make sure she is OK even at my own expense. Over the last 10 months that feeling has for the first time in my life lessened in intensity but it's not gone. And the almost terror like feeling I felt at standing up to her has also lessened.

You are conditioned to believe what she says and feel guilt but you absolutely have done nothing wrong by moving and making a life that will work for you and your family. It will be a blessing in disguise not to have her involved daily, believe me. Visiting every week is on the high end of normal for an adult to see their parent, in my opinion. So you have not abandoned her or ruined her life.

When you have those tense feelings of guilt or like you're a bad daughter you need to remember those are generated by the little girl inside you who had to please your mum and would put your own needs and wants aside for her. This was a good thing to learn as a child when you were reliant on your parents, but it doesn't serve you now. That child inside will always sound the alarm and tell you what you are doing is dangerous and therefore bad because it wants to protect you, but that doesn't make what it says reality. Does that make sense.

Thank you I feel like you really get it!
Gosh I feel like that little girl inside me is just under the skin. I feel like barely an adult, even in my 30s. It's crazy to feel like this!! I've even had heart palpitations the last couple of weeks... Thank you for sharing <3

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 01:05

Purplegrapejuicefan · 28/07/2025 09:10

Oh OP, she sounds exactly like my mum, she refused to speak to me for the entirety of my high risk pregnancy because we wouldn’t let her move in with us for a month when the baby was born. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, especially at this special time. But equally there are ways of moving forward.

Have you looked up Borderline Personality Disorder? Sounds very like she has it. I found it so helpful to read up on it and realize it’s not me causing her behavior (as I’d been brought up to believe).

Honestly, if you can get to a comfortable place within yourself about it then that distance will be a blessing for you and your child. These kind of parents enforce a co-dependence on us where we feel entangled with them and responsible for their feelings and to intertwine our lives with theirs. That’s wrong on every level, it’s their feelings, their anger, and their guilt that they push onto us. They’re entirely responsible for their own feelings. If they choose not to be responsible for them or not to get therapy help as you have bravely done to break the cycle then that is entirely down to them. Honestly, the physical distance will help you work on some emotional distance.

When she ‘starts’ just remove yourself - if it’s on the phone say ‘I’m not going to be spoken to like this and we can speak later when you’ve calmed down’ and put the phone down. If you’re there, you say the same and you leave. If she’s at your place you ask her to leave and if she won’t, you remove yourself. You’re not cutting her out, you’re setting boundaries. Whether she ever accepts them or not is not the point, it’s about protecting you and moving yourself to a safer space emotionally and physically. Don’t feel you have to go see her every week, it’s tiring and you’re pregnant and when the baby comes you can times the tiredness by 100!

You will need to model a healthy way of dealing with that kind of relationship to your child. We explained to ours as soon as they
were old enough (3/4 years old) in simple terms that we love Nanny, but Nanny doesn’t look after her mental health, so we have compassion for Nanny but we don’t have to put up with her being naughty to us and no-one is allowed to talk to us or treat us in that way.

Feel free to PM, and I wish you lots of strength and courage and happiness. You’re doing really well and I’m sure you’ll be a brilliant mum x

That's a good way to think about it. I'll need to prepare my kids with the inner strength not to become emotional punching bags like I have become.

Yes as it happens she was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago (which made her VERY angry haha)

Sorry to hear you were treated that way, that's just unacceptable for her to cold shoulder you at such a time.

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 01:15

HelloCheekyCat · 28/07/2025 08:40

we were trained to meet others needs, not our own

Can your DH articulate it for you? If his parents are supportive he should have a good idea of what role he'd like your mum to take (hopefully pretty limited)

Yes he doesn't even want us to be leaving our child with her, he reckons she will try and get in their ear about being bad parents by living far away. It is sad we won't be near his mum she's so nice, But I will make the effort to see her. I'm still willing to make efforts, just not as much as before. That's a clear message from all these kind replies to my post. So as for roles, much MUCH reduced contact I think. Maybe once a month.

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 01:24

Lafufufu · 28/07/2025 08:50

She's a nightmare and you need to escape now you are having your own child for their sake if not for yours.

think about it logicially - whats actually stopping her and your dad moving to be nearer you / their GC???

She's "stealing" her own dream 🙄

Get yourself in to good therapy (cutrent one is clearly crap) and get some boundaries.

Also when I read this I KNEW she'd have some kind of medical thing like a weak heart that gives her "funny turns" or chronic fatigue etc. 😒
I am telling you right now for free her ailments will inexplicably worsen once the baby arrives.

Edited

Yes I have a feeling you are right and her medical episodes will worsen... they already have since I moved out of home. 🙄 She loves to be fawned over. I am usually the one who is HER parent, somehow. I think she actually just wants me around as her carer. She has said more than once she wants to live in one big house with all her kids around.... gross...

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 01:31

CountryGirlInTheCity · 28/07/2025 08:53

OP you remind me so much of my DM and her own selfish, emotionally controlling mother, except my mum could never see the control for what it was and therefore never moved more than half an hour away. The trouble is that you have been raised with the understanding that your role is to ensure that your mum gets what she wants and you are never supposed to cause her any upset. It’s become part of your normal, and therefore feels unnatural to you to push against that.

I think you’ve done a good thing by moving to your new place, but now you will have to sit with the uncomfortable feelings it brings to do something that displeases your mum. It’s so necessary. Believe me you don’t want to end up like my mum who spent her whole life being emotionally manipulated and made to feel guilty. My mum was widowed very young and didn’t meet my step dad until nearly 20 years after my dad had died. My nan made life very hard for her when she wanted to spend part of her weekends with him because she wanted mum all to herself. In the end my amazing DSis intervened with some straight talking to make sure mum didn’t give in but it was really tough because she’d never put in suitable boundaries.

Can I also say, given that you’re now pregnant, my mum’s refusal/inability to stand up to her mum has really affected her relationship with her children, my sister and I. DSis and I have worked hard at forgiveness and moving on but it has definitely meant a less close relationship with mum than we could have had if she had been willing to stand up for herself and us when we were children. And my teenage years and early twenties were spent deeply resenting the way my Nan’s wants and needs were always put above mine. Mum has since said that she knew at the time it was wrong but she didn’t know how to disentangle herself and couldn’t cope with feeling guilty all the time. Please
don't let this be you and your DC. Moving away is probably the best thing you could have done. My mum refused to move away from her mum when we were young even though my dad had been offered a much better job an hour and a half away, which he ended up turning down because she wouldn’t move. You now have an opportunity to draw some boundary lines, take charge of your own decisions with your DH and put some distance between yourself and your mum. Her behaviour is NOT REASONABLE and you need to keep telling yourself that. You might have to sit with horrible guilt to start with in order to push through the pain barrier to get some normality back. It will be worth it!

For the record my grown up DC both live with their spouses at opposite sides of the country from each other and have done since they left uni so I’m not near either of them. Grandchildren are soon on the horizon and I know we’re not going to be just down the road from them but DH and I will just throw ourselves into being the best and most supportive grandparents we can be in the situation that we’re in. My DC have both got their own busy and fulfilling lives and I’m really glad. It’s not about me and nor should it be.

Good luck OP - I hope you manage to stop this cycle and establish some normal boundaries before your LO comes along. All the best.

Thank you. That's a little eye opening because I can imagine how by feeling like your grandmother's needs took priority over yours, then that's also damaging to a child and causes rifts. I don't want to be like that. My children MUST feel like my priority and know in their hearts that they are the most important person to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 01:33

Radioundermypillow · 28/07/2025 08:55

What an emotionally immature response.

Show quote history

Thank you, I didn't need more guilt and the childcare situation is my main fear right now... which my mum uses against me a lot...

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 02:05

Shinyandnew1 · 28/07/2025 10:08

I think I’d be pointing out every time that you are better than your mum as you’ve only chosen to have a child a reasonable drive away whereas she chose to have her children on a completely different continent than her parents. If you have stolen her future what did she do to her parents?

When she says it was 'different' for her, say no, it wasn't,

Does she have your dad? Friends? Work? It sounds like she is butter and resentful and is expecting you to provide her with entertainment! Maybe she needs to work more hours!

No that's partly why I feel so bad. My dad died over 10 years ago, and she puts people off so while she has dated a few men they don't last. She doesn't "play well with others" or make efforts with her friends so I see her as quite alone in a way. And I feel for her in that regard, truly I do... he also doesn't work due to having a "workplace injury" from "bullying" in her last role (I think she maybe rubbed people the wrong way so much that a bad situation became way worse than it needed to)

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 02:17

Jojo2408 · 28/07/2025 11:12

OP firstly congratulations on your pregnancy and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

This exact thing happened to me except I already had a child and was expecting another. We couldn’t afford to live near DM anymore, she lives in an area that has become extremely expensive. We found we were compromising our quality of life just for the sake of living near DM, who worked full time anyway and onlY saw us once every two weeks. We decided to move closer to DH family and it was the best decision for our family. I don’t regret it for a second.

My DM was absolutely livid. She threatened to kill herself, claimed she’d never see her grandchildren, that they’d forget she existed, she threatened to remove me from her will, claimed I caused her to have a heart attack. It was bad.

I went minimal contact with her for 6 months and she eventually came about to the idea and visited us a couple of times. Our relationship is a lot better now that we have space, and we spend more meaningful time together because we will stay over at hers for weekends etc. we also have much more support from DH family than we ever did near DM (and less mental warfare).

OP, you need to prioritise yourself. You can’t live for your mother, and it’ll become even more important to do so when you have your child. She will have to adjust and compromise and start visiting you as well. Otherwise, I would reduce contact until she comes to her senses and decides to act sensibly.

wow... yeah that sounds pretty similar. my mum has threatened self harm too...

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 02:24

TheGander · 28/07/2025 12:02

One thing I learnt in counselling is that if you don’t have that internal guilty feeling, no one can make you feel guilty ( if that makes sense). Having some boundaries and being clear in your head you don’t have anything to feel guilty about will mean she cannot trigger you. Her over reaction is not normal. What was she like as a parent when you were growing up? Sorry if you have already discussed it, I haven’t read the whole thread.

I think I may never stop feeing guilty actually... but that I obviously need to learn how to deal with it or ignore the feeling. This isnt sustainable. My childhood was characterised by chaos, anger and guilt tripping. Explosiveness. Had to walk on egg shells. Made me feel bad for not doing enough housework or backing her up in her fights with my siblings. Not much has changed (she is slightly better than she was back then). but I have known since I was young that I would not make that my children's life.

OP posts:

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 03:20

Mischance · 28/07/2025 12:33

Your Mum is being crazily demanding.

I have 3 adult married DC with their own families and by chance 2 live fairly near but one is a long distance away.

Their lives - their decision. Nothing to do with me. We whatsapp endlessly and see the distant one about 3 times a year.

Your mother should not be loading this guilt ion you - it is absolutely out of order. You must not let it spoil anything in your life.

I can't understand why you take the trouble to drive to hers every Friday just to get an ear-bashing! I can see your halo from here!

Haha thank you but I am no angel, it feels like a horrible obligation that I am too cowardly to get out of!!

OP posts:

Btowngirl · 29/07/2025 03:50

You need to nip this in the bud now. Weekly visits are unsustainable long term, especially when you have DC’s to think about. She needs to start visiting you & it’s best you move her to this gradually before your DC is born and she starts with some pathetic line that you’re stopping her from seeing her grandchild. It’s easy to loose your own boundaries but it’s so important to keep them for your children! You’ll also be enlightened as to how wrong it is she guilt trips you like that when you have your own baby & realise you’d never want to make them feel tied to you in this way.

NewbieYou · 29/07/2025 04:00

Play her at her own game. You won’t visit until she stops making you feel bad. Plus many grandparents think they want to be there everyday but soon find babies and kids exhausting - my mum is knackered by a day a week.

Original poster

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 04:45

JustSawJohnny · 28/07/2025 14:10

I've been there, OP. Not to this level but I know it hurts.

It wasn't my Mum who did it, it was my Nan. She has lived her entire life in the small Midlands town she was born in and all but one of her kids have, too. My Mum had me young so Nan was very involved in my life growing up. I do feel lucky to have had that and I love my GP's to absolute bits.

I guess that was the norm in the 50's-70's but for generations after life has just changed. Social mobility and the rise in women working means we have more choice and see that positively.

To them, though? Not a good thing.

I've lived away from the town for many years (couldn't wait to get out ASAP) and they were fine with it. Until I had a baby.

At that time we lived around a 45 minute drive away and, ironically, ended up buying a house even closer, but at the time when they saw we were looking at properties up to an hour away my Nan went IN on me.

I got the whole 'You let us fall in love with that child and now you're going to rip them away from us!!' and 'You are breaking your Mother's heart!!' - all of the emotional blackmail tropes came at me. HARD.

I felt so bad, BUT it really pissed me off. We were trying to do the best thing for our child, and the best thing was NOT the city we lived in OR the shitty little town they did!

None of the placating conversations worked - just got more guilting - so I just told her the truth and told her her emotional blackmail wasn't going to work.

She was STUNNED but it worked.

Be honest with Mum, OP. She needs to know her tactics are going to push you away, not bring you closer.

Thank you. I'm shocked someone would say that to you but when i read it I thought hmmm.... bet my mum will try that one too when she hears she will have a grandchild... I also feel bad and extremely angry at the same time.

OP posts:

kimonok · 29/07/2025 05:35

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 00:23

Thank you. You're right, she sees herself as the victim of the world really. I actually have a lot of empathy for her even still. It's a sad way that she lives, but also I can't fix it (I have tried). no one can make her happy.

A lot of comments here are right... the only one who can take a stand is me. I do need to grow a pair...

Show quote history

I think it's less about 'grow a pair' and more about 'accept what you cannot change'.

You are beating yourself up about something that really isn't within your control.

From reading your posts, your mum has problems that you simply can not, and will never be able to solve.

You could sacrifice everything in your life trying and you would still not make her happy, because the problem is within her and is a result of some very deep rooted traumas and issues.

That doesn't mean you have to be cruel or ignore her needs - you obviously care about her a lot. But it means you have to be the adult - which is unfair, as she is your parent - but she may never quite understand why you behave the way you do. No one should have to parent their parent, but this is life for some people.

You might live your life in a way she will never understand, and it might cause her some pain, but you need to accept that because there's no other way.

And that's OK.

Give what you can give, but do not guilt yourself into giving more than you can give. It's not your fight - your mum is damaged and that is the way it is, and it is not your fault, and it is not your job to fix.

It sounds like your mum would benefit from some therapy or other emotional/ mental health support - but I know that can be difficult to encourage, and it has to be something that she wants. Again - it's not your job.

You have to live your life.

bloodredfeaturewall · 29/07/2025 06:20

sounds like it is a good thing to have some distance between you and your mother.
you don't need to visit her every week. in fact, soon it might not be possible due to pregnancy.
all the best

Sunshinedayscomeon · 29/07/2025 06:32

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your mum's repsonses are immature and lack emotional intelligence. She will probably never change and will continue to make hurtful comments. What can change, is how you let them affect you.

To protect yourself and your loved ones: devise a plan that works for you and not your mother. I doubt she will ever reflect or change (my hasn't).

Put yourself first and listen to your needs.

The sad thing is, not all mothers are nurturing, caring and supportive. So, we have to learn to nurture, care and support ourselves.

I would wait until you are ready to tell her about pregnancy and be prepared for the reaction to be negative.

Lafufufu · 29/07/2025 06:46

DSis and I have worked hard at forgiveness and moving on but it has definitely meant a less close relationship with mum than we could have had if she had been willing to stand up for herself and us when we were children. And my teenage years and early twenties were spent deeply resenting the way my Nan’s wants and needs were always put above mine. Mum has since said that she knew at the time it was wrong but she didn’t know how to disentangle herself and couldn’t cope with feeling guilty all the time.

Worth reposting this.
My mum did this to an extent and it 💯 creates self esteem issues in children. While not intentional you are literally showing them that you, their mother think that they are less important/valuable and placating person X is more important.

Memorably...When I was in my teens maybe early 20s my mother panicked on Christmas day as female family member X looked unimpressed with her gift so she gave her MY main Christmas present (v nice perfume) so I got socks and a book...
She told me after she "knew I'd understand and would buy me another one"
🙄🙄🙄

i didnt want a-fucking-nother one i wanted a mother than wasnt such a people pleaser to the detriment on her kids

I also spend hours almost every weekend of my childhood sitting in traffic (I really remember the hot sweaty days) and being dragged to their boring dusty house where there was nothing to do for hourssss

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 29/07/2025 07:23

Could your sister help you? She put boundaries in place and has established a new relationship - can she help you do the same.

Not on the same scale but my mum is difficult. She has had an incredibly hard life but that doesn’t make her any easier to deal with. My brother and I lean on each other in this times. One will get a rant so will step back and the other will step up for a bit. Not perfect but it works for us.

But I am not sure this will work for you as she is so toxic and has been all your life. Plus it sounds like you have had significant additional trauma to deal with. Only you can know of you can have boundaries that she will stick to and not grind you down or off you have to cut her off completely.

It would be very hard and you will feel awful at times but long term it can bring peace and reduce that constant stress of not knowing how she will text. You will need to do it consistently, change phone number, get your husband to open post etc. and expect flying monkeys. But after the initial unpleasantness you will be able to move forward in your life without being dragged backwards all the time.

JustSawJohnny · 29/07/2025 11:37

JessieJackets · 29/07/2025 04:45

Thank you. I'm shocked someone would say that to you but when i read it I thought hmmm.... bet my mum will try that one too when she hears she will have a grandchild... I also feel bad and extremely angry at the same time.

Show quote history

Thanks, hun. It's an interesting transition for families when the 'baby' becomes a Mother, I think. My Nan took my standing up for my family well and we remain very close, but you may well find that taking a different path is best for you.

In a few months you'll have a little one of your own and you will be flooded with a love and need to care for them like nothing you've ever felt.

Your Mum will be forced into a back seat position as she can no longer be central in your life. How she deals with that is 100% up to her and NOT your problem.

Being a Mum may make you think differently about how you & Dsis have been treated by your Mum over the years. I very much doubt you would even be able to imagine treating your child the same way.

Obviously you are going to have to tell DM you're pregnant at some point. If I were you I'd do it factually, rather than emotionally, with DH present, and then switch your priorities to looking after yourself in your pregnancy. If Fridays become too much, tell Mum your BP is up and you've been advised to avoid stress and take a step back - a little white lie is OK if it buys you some peace in pregnancy, I think.

You really don't need to be worrying about anything right now, OP. Don't let her ruin what should be a really happy time for you.

Prioritise yourself.x.