Gender disappointment - tell me good things about having a little brother for an older sister?

[annabelfr]

This is a VERY wanted IVF baby, so I feel pathetic being disappointed about having a boy when a healthy baby is everything we wanted for over a year, and obviously knew all along that it’s a 50/50 chance of boy or girl.

I found out today (via a Blue or Pink gender test) that it’s a boy. We’ve already got a little girl who will be around 4 at the time of birth, and I loved having a little girl. I also feel like two sisters will always be closer than bro sis. I’m worried about being the paternal grandparents as they always seem to be less favoured than maternal (in some cases understandably so, a freshly postpartum mum will want her own mum around and visitors like paternal grandparents only much later, same with her confiding in her own mum more, trusting own mum more with childcare etc).

any positive thoughts on a big sis, little bro combination, or on generally having a son?

It's so lovely to have one of each. Think of how happy your dh must be! It may be his dream to have a son. He may be afraid to show his happiness because of how you feel which is really sad. If you only had boys I would understand but you already have a girl. There are 3 years between my dd and ds and they are such little buddies 🥰

It’s not just about me making more effort with my in-laws

You don't have to, that's your DH's job. He will be the main male role model, so he should/could model a good relationship with his parents. They are his parents after all. If he doesn't bother, why not?

Fwiw my sister is a twat. And as pp have said, he might not even have/want kids or a wife.

you’ll be fine, congratulations on your baby. It does seem a bit bonkers whittering on about your unborn baby boy’s newly postpartum partner but I’ll put it down to hormones 🙂 one step at a time eh

putting it like this just made me burst out loud 😂

Even if he marries someone lovely, even if I bend over backwards to be involved, as the paternal grandparents you’re secondary. You’re the scheduled visit, not the spontaneous drop-in. You get the updates after they’ve already been shared with her mum. You’re politely included—not instinctively leaned on.

Is what you have described above the dynamic you have with your own in laws? Because it’s very specific. Have your in laws bent over backwards to be involved, but you’ve rejected them?

Not everyone views their in laws as secondary, you know.

It sounds like you have a fear that your son will meet and marry someone like you.

I have two sons. These thoughts have never crossed my mind.

Well I had a boy first and then a girl, but having one of each is brilliant.

Little boys are just gorgeous. ❤️

There is 2yrs 9 months between my 2 and they are close - often pop off for what they call ‘brother sister bonding time’ which actually means - parents, give us money to go get food or snacks shopping!

They get on well on holiday too

I am one of two - have a younger sister and we get on brilliantly, so would have been oK with another dd, but we lost 2 between dd and ds, so just glad of what we have

Its a good age gap and they will be fine

my sister is married to one of a large family
of all boys and they’re extremely close to their parents and the paternal grandparents have been massively involved in the grandchildren’s life

sadly my kids have had no paternal gran as she died before they were born, she’d have been an amazing gran to them just as much as my own mum

I have 4 brothers and we are super close :) boys are fab. My grandson is an utter delight. Don’t fret, it willl be grand x

Having read your updates OP I am thinking I may need to take this back 😬 you seem determined that it’s going to be terrible. Therefore it will be. You’re in charge of how it goes for the most part. You will create this child, turn him into a good male 🤷‍♀️ they’re not pre programmed to be shit bags.

Exactly. You will reap what you sow.

You can't start stressing about something that might, theoretically, happen in 30 odd years time.

Maybe your unborn son won't have kids, maybe he'll marry a man or maybe he'll marry someone whose family live in Australia.

This must be the hormones talking and maybe a manifestation of anxiety so I would keep a good eye on your mental health as pregnancy goes on..

@Vivi0my in laws have absolutely not bent over backwards. They visit often, we are polite, they are polite, they haven’t once offered “help” or a favour (aside from occasionally volunteering to babysit on very much their own terms which we haven’t really needed). But it’s all a lot more formal from both sides.

I don’t get the disappointment but you can’t really help how you feel. That said I have a pigeon pair 24 months apart and they’re 26 & 24 now. 16-18 was difficult but apart from that they get on really well.

Didn't see your comment (hadn't scrolled through the thread), but yes you nailed it.

It's alien to me as an Irish person where our families are close and everyone is valued the same to view a baby's gender as less than, so maybe I was being too general in just saying "pure English folk". Middle class pure English folk, as that's the group that has the emotional coldness most attached to it.

You are being totally ridiculous. Is baby healthy? Nothing else matters.

For everyone being mean to English people - please stop 😂
my husband’s parents aren’t British, neither are mine (we are from different countries to each other). We were both born in the UK though and most of our friends are British or European due to us growing up here and studying abroad, so I feel like I’m not commenting on any particular culture.

No I disagree. I have boys and would have been absolutely fine with either but I never ‘wanted’ a girl.

I really don’t understand this post. The OP says this is an IVF ‘VERY much wanted baby’ but now doesn’t like the gender. So unbelievably sad. So actually it was a very much wanted pregnancy as long as it was a girl?

These posts are just awful.

I think you need to allow yourself to feel joy. Are you the kind of person who saves the best things for a rainy day and then never uses them? Are you an overthinker? A worrier? Is your default answer 'no'?

Say yes! Do the thing that makes you happy. Don't second guess who will do what, when and where. Embrace this new life and all its possibilities. It's OK to be excited and say that you are. You can't control this, so enjoy the ride!

Say they had bent over backwards, offered help and favours (but not on their terms) and had been less formal and much more supportive, do you think the relationship would be different?

Do you think in those circumstances, you would spontaneously drop by, or be excited to share news with them?

I have both and I love it! I really liked having a girl first because they are such little helpers and mother hens, and it makes your bond even lovelier because they don't feel they have to compete with another girl (although girl and girl is adorable in other ways too and has lots of advantages!) and having a boy is honestly ace. He's so funny, loving and kind just full of fun. They are both fab company in different ways and it makes it so special to experience both.

I don't agree that it's a universal truth though that we have to passively accept. You can change the pattern through your actions.

My in-laws met my two DC at the same time as my family for example. And they did do practical things for us in the early days like cleaning and bringing food. MIL also does a lot of childcare, which I'm grateful for.

Also you've not really mentioned your husband's part in this - surely it's really up to him to model this by being proactive and making plans with his family.

Please stop projecting! Baby not here yet and you're talking about being grandparents.
Boys are lovely so loving and protective too with their mums. Honestly, with IVF too you should be happy to have the chance again. Some folk never have a baby

I have 2 girls and 2 boys and it's been girl, boy, girl, boy. I can tell you that most of the stereotypes about little boys vs little girls are one load of rubbish.

Don't believe all the social media posts about how little boys are all boisterous and messy and loud etc. They can be of course but so many aren't like that. And as a side note, little girls can definitely be like that 😂

In terms of relationships between siblings, I would actually say my 2nd and 3rd children, so brother and sister, are closer and get along/play together better than the 2 girls. The 4th is still just a baby but his big sister (she's 5) is very good with him. So is his older brother and other sister.

As for the relationships females have with their own mums vs in laws. I personally wouldn't confide in my mother, ask her for advice or necessarily tell her news first etc. And I've known men who have been close to their mums. But I wouldn't be bothering about any of that before your little boy is even born yet 😊

Just stop making assumptions and expectations- you mention maternal vs paternal grandparents but you don’t even know if your daughter will choose to have children (at least a fifth of women currently stay child-free and this number is growing and growing) and women who do have kids are doing it later, totally normal to have babies well into your 40s now when grandparents aren’t going to be up for playing an overly active and involved role anyway. I know a few women who have daughters but won’t be getting any grandchildren. If you decide what the future is definitely going to hold then you could end up disappointed either way. Just enjoy your lovely healthy children and don’t overthink it.

OP can you at least see how illogical you’re being? If we all felt like you, and were able to choose our baby’s sex, we’d all have girls. And then there’d be no grandchildren anyway!

Maybe your daughter won’t want kids. Maybe she’ll be a lesbian, and her partner will be the one giving birth. Maybe she’ll marry an Australian and live in Australia, next door to her in-laws.