Gender disappointment - tell me good things about having a little brother for an older sister?

[annabelfr]

This is a VERY wanted IVF baby, so I feel pathetic being disappointed about having a boy when a healthy baby is everything we wanted for over a year, and obviously knew all along that it’s a 50/50 chance of boy or girl.

I found out today (via a Blue or Pink gender test) that it’s a boy. We’ve already got a little girl who will be around 4 at the time of birth, and I loved having a little girl. I also feel like two sisters will always be closer than bro sis. I’m worried about being the paternal grandparents as they always seem to be less favoured than maternal (in some cases understandably so, a freshly postpartum mum will want her own mum around and visitors like paternal grandparents only much later, same with her confiding in her own mum more, trusting own mum more with childcare etc).

any positive thoughts on a big sis, little bro combination, or on generally having a son?

I have a younger sister close to my age. We never got on growing up and haven't spoken for the last year. I have teenage DD and DS, DD is older and they get on well now. Did bicker when younger, but get on far better than my sister and I ever have

Omg - my daughter was 4 when my son was born and they are soooo close - we call them the twins. They are 8 and 4 now. She has such a loving and sweet relationship with him compared to her older sister, even though they're closer in age (the older two are constantly arguing...)

Don’t be so ridiculous

Could you imagine a Scouse mum, think Sue Johnston, on finding out her baby was a boy, being devastated?

No, neither can I.

I mentioned Scouse as in Liverpool (and other places in England with a history of Irish immigration) the people are warm, friendly, hospitable, and families are close. There the concept of being so cold about your own baby on hearing its gender is unfathomable.

The pure English, ie. no Celtic connections, they don't have the same closeness with people, so I'm figuring this is why this concept of being so detached with your own baby in regard to it being a boy is a thing among some of them.

You do NOT want 2 teenage daughters in your house! I have 1 and the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes is my lovely laid back teenage son! Imagine all the fighting over clothes and make-up that would happen?

In all seriousness, I felt a bit like you when I found out I was having a boy. I loved my little girl so much I couldn’t imagine having a son. But a mother and son bond is so special. It is completely different to a mother and daughter bond, which is also special, it’s just different.

You are lucky in that you’ll get to experience both.

I have 3 girls and a boy. They all get on with the boy. Not do much with each other.

My little brother is one of my best friends. We go on holiday together with our spouses and kids, we moved to live near each other. I’m so glad I have him :)

I don’t get the deal with people not wanting boys. I have a 5 month old (IVF baby) boy and he’s my world. When we found out we were having a boy we were over the moon. His little personality is starting to come through now and he’s just amazing. We still have frozen embryos and are planning to try for number 2 next year, and I would actually love to have another boy.

Come hormonal teen years you’ll be glad you only had one daughter 😂

I have a girl and a boy. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I did cry a little. I didn’t know what to do with a boy! I’ve never really related to them or interacted with them! And I wanted a sister for my daughter

That all changed the moment he was born. I struggled to bond with my daughter but with my son, it just snapped immediately into place

He’s 10 now, and he’s so frustrating sometimes but I still love him to bits

Meanwhile, I haven’t spoken to my younger sister in about 9 years…

Look at Prince Harry. He was raised by pure English people. And he is messed up. He has gone through therapy on the coldness of his upbringing.

As much as I dislike that wife of his, she has a point in regard to the lack of warmth among pure English people. A hug? What's that she was asked.

English folk are more emotionally detached, and this "devastation" about your own baby's gender is in line with that.

And for anyone wondering why I sound so sure that paternal grandparents often end up less close—even when the daughter-in-law is kind, warm, and family-oriented—it’s because that’s exactly what happened in my case and tbh so many cases of my friends are exactly the same. Quite similar with my SIL I’d say and her parents compared to our parents.

After I gave birth, everything hurt. My husband had a short paternity leave, and I just wanted my mum nearby. She helped in the way only your own mum can—baby stuff, housework, emotional support, all of it. My in-laws were lovely, excited about the baby, but naturally, they weren’t as tuned into me. They’re not my parents. They weren’t going to fuss over how I was feeling or quietly clean the kitchen or hold the baby while I cried in the shower. That would’ve been weird if they had.

And I didn’t feel like I could ask them for the same kind of help I asked of my own parents. I definitely wasn’t about to invite them over when I hadn’t showered, my boobs were killing me, the baby wouldn’t stop crying, and I just needed someone to take over for an hour. So my parents helped more, early on—and that pattern stuck.

Now I can pop over with my toddler whenever. Sometimes I’ll ask my dad to come and take my little girl to the park because I’m throwing up all morning and need help. Sometimes I’ll go over to theirs or invite them to mine last minute just because I feel like hanging out or my mum has made a lasagne and wants to bring it. It’s easy. With my in-laws, it’s polite, scheduled—“let’s meet Thursday.” I make sure I look put-together, I don’t show up sick or disheveled, and I certainly don’t ask for uncomfortable favours.

It’s not personal. It’s just how these things evolve. You lean on who you’re closest to—and that closeness tends to build even more over time.

This is baffling. Going through IVF and then being disappointed it's the opposite sex to what you wanted is just weird.

If you cared that much about not having a boy you should have stopped at one child.

This. Just listen to yourself.

Of course you're entitled to lean on your own family and especially in those stressful newborn days, that's totally natural.

But surely you can see if your husband's family is sidelined long term, your son will see this is as the norm and so will be more likely to go along with the same dynamic in his future relationships? We repeat the patterns we grow up with, for good and ill.

I have a two year old boy and eight year old girl. For some reason we just expected we'd have a second girl. Our daughter wanted a sister and we had a loft full of girly things.

Fast forward two years and I wouldn't change my son for the world. He's a ray of sunshine and has such a great, friendly personality. I actually just said to my husband this morning that I was glad we'd had a boy. His big sister loves him and we get to have a boy and girl version of us!

OP, just stop now. Seriously. Just stop. The more you post your utter anecdotal rubbish the worse you come across.
You are having a much wanted BABY. One that you had to jump through hoops to get. If having a son bothered you that much then you should have stopped at one child.
Honestly, you will read this absolute tripe back in a years time and feel ashamed.

I have a DS4 & DD3, they are the best of friends! You are so lucky to have one of each, the perfect family.

In Liverpool we seem to just love babies. I moved away when I was younger but when I go visit family members often they’ve got “you remember Jane from next door but one? Well this is her little lad James, he’s here so his ma can have a bath”. Scouse nan’s of my time, Im sure it’s different now women are seeming younger than they did in the 90s, but scouse Nan’s couldn’t get on the bus without holding a baby so their mum could collapse buggy’s etc.
I’ve had 5 pregnancies dealt with in Liverpool and even on the wards everyone’s taken their babes to show other mums or looked after babies when their mums need a shower etc, Im not always the nicest about my Jeremy Kyle family but the Nan’s have always been incredible women.

@SealSeven
Yeah, I do get what you’re saying—and you’re not wrong that kids absorb what they see. But the thing is, that’s exactly what makes this so frustrating. I don’t want the pattern to repeat. I hate that having a son probably means I’ll be the one on the sidelines one day. I wish it were different. But honestly, I don’t think there’s much I can do to change it—not in any meaningful way.

It’s not just about me making more effort with my in-laws, or modelling “balance.” I am close to my parents because they’re the ones that help when things are hard, when I need real help, the people who genuinely care about me because I’m their child. That closeness isn’t performative, it’s practical. And that’s what ends up reinforcing the bond.

So when you say my son might grow up and repeat this pattern—keep me secondary while leaning on his future partner’s family—I agree. That’s the point. It’s not what I want, but I’d be naive not to expect it. Even if he marries someone lovely, even if I bend over backwards to be involved, as the paternal grandparents you’re secondary. You’re the scheduled visit, not the spontaneous drop-in. You get the updates after they’ve already been shared with her mum. You’re politely included—not instinctively leaned on.

That’s the sad truth. It’s not personal, and it’s not even about bad intentions. It’s just how these roles tend to fall. I don’t like it, but I’ve lived it and seen it in friends—and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see it playing out again from the other side

@annabelfr I have both sexes of children and it’s not really any different because they’ve all got their own personalities and little ways about them. I will say that my lads have all been much more calmer than DD. But she’s all me so I’ll have to take the blame for her “vibrant”personality. (She is bananas)

Having read your updates OP I am thinking I may need to take this back 😬 you seem determined that it’s going to be terrible. Therefore it will be. You’re in charge of how it goes for the most part. You will create this child, turn him into a good male 🤷‍♀️ they’re not pre programmed to be shit bags.

My daughter was nearly 5 when my son was born and she absolutely adores him. He really looks up to her too, they are as thick as thieves and have so much love for one another. My best friend in school had a sister a couple of years older and they hardly spoke to one another. Having two of the same gender does not mean they will be close.

My plan in the future if my son gets married is to welcome her into the family with a big open heart and mind and I will be making sure my son knows how to take care of a woman. I hope one day if it comes that she will be as close to us as parents in laws as my own daughter is.

You are massively overthinking this grandparent thing.

Yes, when my kids were very little they probably saw my parents more as my mum was around more in the early days.

As they have gotten older and now they are teens and free to see whoever they want whenever they want, they are definitely closer to my DH’s parents. They just naturally click with them more I think. My DD regularly goes on shopping trips or out for lunch with my MIL, they all have a WhatsApp group, they both absolutely dote on my FIL, they both go to the in-laws to stay, taking friends with them, in the holidays.

You can’t predict these things.

And let’s face it, you may never even become a grandparent! Why are you stressing about this??

Quite odd to be thinking about your baby becoming a father when he hasn’t even been born. He hasn’t even started his life and you’re already imagining something negative in the future.

Boys and girls are all people, and equally valid, and all boys and girls are not the same.

I know some sisters who despise each other. Nothing is guaranteed.