Recently single as of last night whilst 26 weeks pregnant

[Pregnantandlookingforadvice]

Hi, my partner over nearly 4 and a half years split up with me yesterday night and I am currently 26 weeks pregnant. He said it hadn’t been working out for a while but every time I asked he said he was fine, loved me and wanted to get married etc. a few days before this his mother rang his sister crying and saying he didn’t look happy so he went over and they proceeded to tell him ‘do what’s best and makes you happy’ which I thought was me and the baby. This was around 8pm last night whilst I was in bed and he told me to pack a bag and leave but before I even managed to get downstairs he took my keys away and revoked access on certain apps etc. We aren’t married and he owns the house so I had no right to stay. I’m just so worried that my son due in August will be affected by my constant crying and being on edge. How could he do this to me / us and when I asked if there was another woman he said no he’s just not in love with me. He would only be staying with me for the sake of his baby. Please keep in mind I don’t have a spare room or any stuff at my mothers house so I’ll need to order a new bed, drawers etc and last night I had to sleep on the sofa. I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken that I’ll never find someone else to love and actually be married to in the future. I understand I’m only 27 years old and this baby was not planned but please if you have any advice let me know. I feel so stupid giving this man nearly 5 years of my life and he quite literally chucked me out without hesitation.

Yes - exclusively breastfeed for as long as possible.

He kicked a pregnant women out at 8pm?

I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy, let alone the person who I’m meant to have loved.

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but he’s a vile man man and you don’t want to be with someone like that.
He would have left you and fortunately he’s shown you who he is before the baby has been born, so at least you can get yourself settled.

There’s no point going on the council list right now as you have a room at your mums and won’t have much chance of getting anywhere until the baby is born.

Stay at your mums for now and just take it a day at a time.

Don’t think about getting maintenance off him or putting him on the birth certificate etc as that can be sorted closer to your due date.

For now, do not have any contact with him and just focus on getting through this time with as little stress as possible.

Soon you will have a little baby to love and you don’t need anyone else.

Good, he can pay a decent amount of child maintenance in that case.

I’m sure you will find someone better than this - it’s a very low bar.

He just kicked his child/the woman who is carrying his unborn into the street in the middle of the night.

8pm isn't the middle of the night. It's not that much different to 3pm. Either way, we don't know what happened before. Is he a selfish arse or was she horrible to him for months on end? How would anyone know that from the one sided post by the OP?

In my experience it's extremely rare somebody just becomes a monster from one minute to the next. There's obviously a massive backstory to which we aren't privy.

At least you know he’s a wanker now
not in 5 -10 years time

don’t put him on the BC
claim CS
move back to your parents / family
don’t even think about a new relationship for now

FYI I have never been nasty to him, I did all the cooking and cleaning and we argued very little. He never told me
how he really felt and dragged me on for several months even after me asking him how he was feeling. This came
out of the blue so please don’t blame me for this. When I was sick for 14 weeks he couldn’t bear to help me clean up the mess or ask if I needed anything. He quite literally sat on his game until I complained. I just don’t understand how he can go from being ok to this especially if he lied for this long.

Is there anything that I can do if he doesn’t give me my stuff back that belongs to me and I paid for?

You’re better off without this man-child.

Get legal advice from CAB or a solicitor.

How noble of him to say he wants to be involved and see his DC....after directly endangering him through risking the pregnancy by causing you stress and upset. The shame is all his OP not yours; he has proved himself an unfit father before his baby is even born, what an achievement. He is a horrible person who is not worth a single one of your tears.

There would have been a lot more protections for her in a marriage/divorce.

She could have reasonably made an argument that she should stay in the family home with the baby. Or at the least she would have a deposit/a bit of security when she got half the equity of the house. He wouldn't have been able to turf her or the baby out.

Some men that stand to lose half of their shit seem to sometimes make more of an effort to fix the relationship than just cut and running (just some mind).

Have you got receipts?
TBH I think you should wave goodbye to these things.
He doesn't sound like the kind of man who will pay you.

He'll probably try to wriggle out of paying CS too.

So sorry this is happening to you, OP. What an absolute ar*ehole. You won’t see it yet because you’re heartbroken and scared but a time will come when you’ll realise you had a lucky escape.

Some of the info you’ve been given about waiting times for council or housing association is inaccurate. This happened to my friend at 32 weeks. He was cheating and kicked her out to move other woman in. She moved in with her parents and told the council her situation and within 4 months had a 1 bed new build flat, we are Surrey area and the wait list can be up to 11 years but they can and do prioritise what they can; it’s always worth approaching them and joining the list.

Make sure you go through CMS, don’t let him get away with not contributing. You sound like you have the support of your Mum and friends. You will get through this.

Oh and just to reassure you, I cried for hours every day of my pregnancy because I had severe hyperemesis and was so ill/hospitalised etc and my girl was born at term healthy and is the most chilled toddler I know. Let your midwife know what’s going on so they can offer support, in our area they can also help with helping you apply for any benefits you may be entitled to and also write and sign off letters to the housing authorities confirming your situation.

Youve got this, sending love x

What have you got to feel mortified about? Absolutely nothing. It's this shitwipe of a 'man' that should be mortified. Turning his back on the woman carrying his baby. It's vile. Speak to your midwife, speak to everyone and get as much support as possible. My heart goes out to you, I went through something very similar.

No, it's different everywhere obviously. I got put up in a homeless shelter and got offerer a council house around a month later.

@SpaceOfAides, no we don't know why he suddenly ended things with OP. But he did go from promising her that everything was rosy, to all of a sudden dumping her and saying he was unhappy. My DS's dad did similar - three years together and we were planning the rest of our lives together. All of sudden, boom...I was dumped and he fucked off, citing all sorts of unhappiness with me. An OW was in the wings, in my ex's case. Years down the line when he actually sorted his shit out, he told me that it wasn't anything that I'd done, but his head had been turned.

OP's ex wants to pay and be involved....I'm sure he'll say lots of things but how much of it is true? After all, just a few days prior to dumping OP, he was talking new houses, kids, nice holidays etc etc....yet strangely, he was so unhappy that he saw fit to dump her and oust her from the house without so much as a by your leave. In my first post, I'd said if there was a MASSIVE back story...i.e. he got home and found her in bed with someone else, then yeah I'd be more understanding of why he ousted her. But OP hasn't mentioned anything like that and she said that things were all rosy.

OP would be insane to willingly have a guy like this on the birth cert. Someone who says one thing but does the opposite. Someone who didn't even talk things (his "unhappiness") through with her, despite her trying to talk to him about it - his partner of nigh on 5yrs, and the mother of his unborn child, thrown out on the streets without even a chance to gather her belongings. He's the one who is wicked and spiteful, not her. I wasn't wicked and spiteful not having my ex's name on the birth cert for my DS...I couldn't as we weren't married and he was holed up with OW, refusing to have anything to do with me and citing The Script as to how crap life was with me (strangely after planning a life with me).

Also....they are not married. In order for him to have his name on the birth certificate, he would have to go with OP when she registers the birth. She cannot add his name in his absence, unless she is married. If he does somehow miraculously turn up for the registration, then him being on the birth certificate will give him equal parental responsibility (i.e. rights) to her. She'll be inadvertently tied to him for the next God knows how many years. She doesn't need that shit....and he doesn't need to have his name on the birth certificate to man up, sort his shitty behaviour out and start acting like a decent and responsible father. Have a look on some of the threads and posts on MN to see what a nightmare some poor women have with their bastard exes causing all sorts of crap for them: I read one recently where the ex partner/husband had refused to give son back after "his" time with the son. There was absolutely sod all she could do. Another post I read about the father withdrawing the kid from school and putting the kid into another school without the mother's knowledge or consent. She couldn't even contact the ex or wasn't able to talk to her kid. Police couldn't do a thing apart from a welfare check.

That’s exactly what my ex husband did. Turned into an absolute monster overnight. I was totally blindsided. Not rare at all.

Are you on glue? This prince gets a 26 week pregnant woman out of bed at 8 pm and tells her to pack a bag and leave.

He shouldn’t be on the birth certificate because he’s a shit of a man who cares not a jot for his unborn child and that child’s mother. OP absolutely should not put him on the BC so he can use that as a stick to beat her with. I can’t believe you’re defending this.

Where did you see me defending anyone? All I said is we only know what the OP wrote. If that is all true exactly as she said, it would be the first time in my life I hear about a conflict and there's no other side to the story.

Either way, I don't believe in using one's kids to get back at an ex. Regardless of how shitty they may have behaved. Because ultimately it's the innocent kid/pawn who suffers.

We only have the OP's posts to go on; but that is true of any poster, and I see no reason to disbelieve her. Based on what she has posted it is reasonable to judge that the ex-'D'P is at fault. I can't think of any justification for throwing a pregnant woman - pregnant with your own child - out on the street: can you?

I am afraid that stories about men leaving their partners and children high & dry are depressingly familiar so unfortunately I find it very believable.

Once a child is on the way everything changes; the child's interests come first. And no I don't think that children should be used as pawns in a dispute with one's ex, however the ex-'D'P, by his own actions, has shown that he cannot be trusted to prioritise his child. The OP should consider limiting his rights, not to 'get back at' him but to remove any opportunity for him to mess her, and by extension, her child, around.

He didn’t leave. He told his 26 weeks pregnant partner to leave.

If he wants to he a present Dad, with PR it is easy. He simply fills out a form and applys to the court to be added to the birth certificate. That way he is only added if he wants to do the leg work and be involved in the DCs life, rather than a DC having a stranger controlling their childhood.

I don’t know if you know this but the father has to be there when registering the baby to sign etc. So if he doesn’t know the date or time he won’t be able to be on the certificate anyway

I’m so sorry reading your messages is making me sad, I couldn’t imagine how you are feeling! But remember you are stronger than you think and you and your baby boy will be ok in the end. He has your love thats all that matters right now x

@Pregnantandlookingforadvice, really hope that you've managed to get some rest at your mum's place. Good luck this weekend with getting hold of your stuff. Stay strong, you can do this!

@SpaceOfAides, I completely agree with you that people shouldn't be using their kids to get back at an ex. I must add though that it is obviously assuming that the ex is someone who is reasonable, and a good coparent who behaves and puts the interests and welfare of the child first!!

With my DS's dad, he wasn't on the birth cert, but then he didn't want anything to do with us. Sent a load of abuse, and refused any sort of contact (even emails to update on DS's progress). He only resurfaced about 3yrs later (when he and OW split). I put my own feelings about things aside, took legal advice, spoke to both my family and ex's family...and we (ex and I) did a lot of talking about how he would figure in DS's life. He said that I was blameless in what had happened. I was clear that I wouldn't be standing for any of the antics that he showed me before (he and OW would throw a lot of really nasty messages at me about not wanting to have anything to do with us), and that I expected him to be polite and civil....and to not suddenly change his mind over being in DS's life just because another woman came on the scene.

In those 3yrs before ex came back, I never ever badmouthed his dad. I had photos of him as we'd been together 3yrs, and would point out to DS who his dad was. I just said his dad lived away from us (he fucked off overseas with OW). I kept things simple. I also kept every message, email, letter etc he sent me....from the lovely stuff when we were together, to the shitty stuff. Just in case DS ever wanted to see it when he was old enough. I was/am close to ex's family and would spend plenty of time with them, so DS is also close to them. Nearly 16yrs on and things are good. DS has a good relationship with his dad. Ex and I now have a good and respectful co-parenting relationship.

In the same way, when XH and I split, and I filed for divorce, he turned nasty/abusive/threatening towards me (and due to his alcohol/drug issues, was wholly unreliable and unsuitable to be having the DC unsupervised). OW was on the scene in that situation too. I applied to the courts for supervised contact for him and DC and was granted a PSO. Due to XH's behaviour, Judge also immediately ordered a CAO be put in place (DC to fully reside with me, no overnights with XH etc etc). Judge blasted XH for his behaviour at the time - it was bloody awful and I had to inform police and SS about it. Some years on, and we have managed a good/respectful co-parenting relationship.

I have never used my children as pawns. I have never badmouthed their dads to them - I have not allowed friends/family to badmouth their dads in front of my DC. I have never refused contact because of lack of child maintenance. What I have done is ensure that they can see their dads, but their Dads remain civil, polite, sober (in case of my XH!) and behave in a way that is not going to upset or affect my DC. I put my own feelings aside and have always acted in the best interests of my DC.