The day I found out about my pregnancy my husband asked for a divorce

[Umang01]

Hi,
I am a 35 year old woman who just found out about her pregnancy after several years of infertility. So, when my doctor confirmed my pregnancy I just called up my husband to inform him the same. And in return, he asked me to terminate the pregnancy and is also asking for divorce. I just don't know what I should do. I am in a fix. Please help. I am on lot of hormonal medication. I cannot think straight at this point. This is my only chance of being pregnant. It may never happen again for me.

Who gives a rat’s ass about your friends and neighbours @Umang01??
Who cares how old their kids are? So your baby will be 7 years younger - their kids will absolutely dote on your child! That’s a plus not a negative. Besides - this isn’t a race. Whoever told you it was a race?
And ignoring the neighbours was about the best advice anyone ever gave me. Listen to it.
You’re gonna be an amazing mum.
And tell that dude to go f**k himself.
I’m so happy for you.
Be good to yourself. ❤️

Hi,
Thanks you everyone for all your support. It is going to be a long journey for me. But I will keep my baby (ies). I am from India so not sure how favourable are the laws here for women (what I have heard not that favourable). And I really don't know about child benefits if we have any for single mothers. I went against my parents wishes to marry him coz he made me believe in him. I said no to so many marriage proposals just bec I was blindly in love with him. And I really don't know how supportive my parents are going to be if I file for divorce (which will be a much greater taboo for them). I don't want to be with him. I really don't. Had it been an arranged marriage, my parents would have supported me. But as I went against their wishes, I really don't know how they would react especially my mum.

It’s unclear when your husband actually checked out of the marriage OP?
You say he went on a drunken rampage before you conceived. Had he already told you he didn’t want to continue trying to conceive with you because he wanted a divorce ?

If he checked out before you conceived and gave you fair warning, I think the marriage is over and you should expect very little from him.

If he suddenly decided he wants out only when you gave him your wonderful news, then there’s a chance he has had a sudden panic reaction and you need to give him time to calm down before you talk to him again. I sincerely hope he comes round.

After trying for all that time, it is cruel to tell you to terminate. That isn’t his choice to make any more. It is your choice only.

You now need to take time to decide if you have enough financial security, enough support and the strength and ability to raise a child, possibly two. Sometimes such a future on your own would look very bleak but once you have told family and friends, a way forward may reveal itself especially if you have some savings for maternity cover and a good career to get back to afterwards.
Sending you strength to get through this difficult time.

In Asian countries, divorce is a big taboo. I know someone who was almost SA'ed by her father in law and her parents are still not letting her get a divorce. They are still forcing her to stay with the guy (who obviously does not believe her and says she is cooking up a story).

Keep your baby (ies). You’ve been through a lot. Understand cultural pressures but it’s him who wants to end things, so hardly your fault. I certainly wouldn’t be ending a much wanted pregnancy for this guy. He had plenty of time to say this wasn’t what he wanted.

Presumably you work and are finallycially independent? Your family can do one if they want you to stay.

OP do you live in the UK and are you resident? If so you are entitled to financial help from the state. Your family cannot refuse to give you a divorce in this country only a court. You have been through enough this man does not deserve you or your baby.

If you live in the uk go on entitled to and it will show any benefits you are entitled to. I’m sorry you are going through this op. It will be more his loss than yours I think.

Sorry, but how have you gone through all the IVF etc with such an unsupportive twat?
Sending lots of strong supportive hugs for whatever you decide to do OP but I sincerely hope you continue with your pregnancy 💐

Hopefully there will be a poster along soon with knowledge of India who can advise more, but suggest you find a good family solicitor to find out what you could expect from a divorce in terms of finances. Don't tell DH just do your homework, knowledge is power.

I wish you all the best

Unfortunately no. I live in India

You keep the baby and lose the deadweight sperm donor.

Congratulations on your baby. You will be a fab single mother, providing love and care (without the raging bender loser you need to ditch).

So so sorry you're going through this. Only YOU can decide what YOU want to do here. Don't abort to keep a man, you'll resent him and regret it (since its SUCH a wanted baby). Keep the baby if YOU want to and ditch him. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness with little one. I'm a single mother (became a single mother after being together years and having 2 kids) and it's difficult sure but you won't regret it.

When did you last have sex?

Are you saying it’s possible that you’re only 2 weeks pregnant?

Honestly OP this isn’t as straight forward as someone living in the UK and so I would be very careful.

Could you play along for now and say that you’ll speak to the midwife about a termination on the 16th and say that as you have fertility issues and you’re not far along then the babies may not survive by then anyway.

It will give you a few extra days to find out what support you can receive as a single parent and if worst comes to worse and the pregnancy fails, you won’t be on your own with no support.

Gently, it sounds as though he may have another woman if he’s so adamant that he doesn’t want a child.

Hopefully someone will come along with more knowledge about Indian laws.

This relationship needs to end but I understand it’s not as easy as if you were in the UK (something I absolutely love about this country).

He doesn't sound very nice but from your description it sounds like it was very much you pushing for a child all the way.
He should have been honest with you from the start and his behaviour now is awful but I know from friends who have been through IVF that it can be hard on men as well, especially if they aren't very bothered about having children.
Understandably you gave up your job to give yourself the best chance of success but how did your H feel about being the only earner?
Sounds like having a child has been all consuming for you and its great that you are now pg but you will need to do it alone now (apart from a financial contribution as a minimum)

Ah. Do you have a job or any money of your own?

Congrats on your pregnancy! Try to relax as much as possible, as stress won’t help.

If you desperately want to have a child, and have invested a lot (money, emotion, time) in IVF, then you should have the baby. However, don’t have a baby just because all your friends are. Children are very hard work and a lifelong commitment.

Suggest you seek advice from a good local family law solicitor to find out what you’d be entitled to in assets, child support etc in a divorce. Don’t tell your DH you’re seeking advice, as he may hide evidence of assets. When he’s out, search your home for evidence of his finances. Ducks in a row time.

Tell your family. Say they were right to be wary about you marrying your DH as he turned out not to be a good match. Ask for their support. If they love you, they’ll understand. Surely they don’t expect you to raise a child with a man who doesn’t want to be with you. Do you have other family who could also give you supoort, e.g. siblings? Consider moving nearer to them if they’ll be supportive.

Get a job asap, so that you’re not dependent on your DH financially and can afford a home of your own. Ask your local council to put your name down for a social home (though you may not be entitled if you jointly own a home or have large amounts of savings). But certainly worth a try. Even if you think you won’t need it, the sooner you’re on the list, the better.

Don’t worry about expecting twins unless it’s confirmed. Focus on what you do know and keeping healthy during your pregnancy.

You’ve got this ❤️

Ah, just seen you live in India. I can’t advise on your housing or divorce entitlements there. But I’m sure there are women’s groups who can.

Hello! Divorce laws in India are not any different to the UK and you’ll be able to get a divorce without any problems - you’ll need a lawyer to ensure you get your share of the house/assets but since you’re pregnant the courts will ensure you are provided for.

Socially I guess it’s different - if you’re in a big city it won’t be a problem as divorce is common. I can appreciate if you’re in a smaller town you may feel ostracised. But none of this is on you as it’s your husband who wants a divorce not you. Don’t let society dictate whether you can keep your child or not! They won’t be looking after you or your baby so their judgement is irrelevant. Do you have savings to tide you over for some time or family who can help - your parents won’t want you to terminate their grandchild if they’re more traditionally inclined so explain the situation to them.

Tell your husband you’ll give him a divorce but won’t be terminating and if he tries to force you, you’ll go to the police about harassment. Speak to lawyers asap to understand your options and go live with your parents or other family members for now. You will be fine even though it doesn’t seem like it for the moment.

It feels like the worst timing in the world to get bad news the day of your positive pregnancy test but it's a blessing in some ways. You have the whole of your pregnancy to adjust and plan for the future.
I was made redundant the day I found out I was expecting. I was sad at first but I've adjusted to the situation. We have overhauled finances and made a plan for the next 2 years. It's not going to be easy but I'd take a much loved baby over a job or a man any day!
You have had a lot of big news in one day, give yourself some space and time to process the situation and then work on your plan moving forward.

Congratulations, you've got this!

Tell him you had an abortion, keep the baby and divorce him.

No matter our circumstances, we all have choices even though it may feel like we don’t. I would approach your parents, and if they reject you, so be it. But be hopeful, imagine them embracing you and supporting you.

Abort your children to keep a man, or appease your parents? Your parents, just like you are humans and make mistakes. We all make mistakes. Fearmongering parents, religions, societies will tell you you’re bad and wrong, you’re not, you’re just human. Good parents love their children, and want their happiness, even when they make “mistakes”.

Even if your marriage had been arranged there would be no guarantee you wouldn’t be in the same situation, or that you might have lost your husband in an accident…would you treat your children this way? Just because ideas and ways of living are passed down from generation to generation, doesn’t mean they are correct, and most importantly kind. I was smacked, shamed, etc as a child, and fearful as a young adult, but my parents now recognise the error of their ways, and I would never raise my children that way.

It’s about learning, and looking at how we can move forward and make better decisions, and embrace the positives in our journey. Living your life in a way that is genuine, and feels right for you. I believe that following your happiness, will lead to a happier life. Whereas living for others will cause resentment and anger, and life will feel harder.

Make your plan for your new life, whatever that might look like.

Compared to India, the laws here for women are paradisiacal, I am surprised you have not already noticed. You will be absolutely fine. God bless you and your baby(ies).

She lives in India

You can do this on your own if you want too.