The day I found out about my pregnancy my husband asked for a divorce

[Umang01]

Hi,
I am a 35 year old woman who just found out about her pregnancy after several years of infertility. So, when my doctor confirmed my pregnancy I just called up my husband to inform him the same. And in return, he asked me to terminate the pregnancy and is also asking for divorce. I just don't know what I should do. I am in a fix. Please help. I am on lot of hormonal medication. I cannot think straight at this point. This is my only chance of being pregnant. It may never happen again for me.

Congratulations op! This is so long awaited absolutely do not terminate, you can absolutely do this !!

Congratulations. I'm sorry that this isn't the amazing happy day / time you had both been wanting.
It is absolutely brutal of him to do this to you, and amplified by the long time of trying.
I hope you have support around you from friends / family

I know everyone is saying lots of congrats (myself included) but I think the pile on of "absolutely keep the baby" should be done more subtly or not at all. The OP has been planning a baby with her OH all these years and now the whole scenario and reality of raising a baby is very different to what she had planned.
The man is absolutely awful for doing this.
I just think the OP should have time to think and get her head around everything.

Congratulations!
Focus on you and your much wanted baby, who already exists and is the fulfilment of your dream of motherhood. You will be a great Mum.

Op I think you probably need to just take one day at a time. It must seem really overwhelming right now. Maybe your dh is having some kind of weird panic but it seems extreme considering you have had ivf. I would surround yourself with those who care about you and let them support you. Try and think carefully about what you want. He cannot tell you what to do. This is obviously a much wanted pregnancy and many people manage as single parents.

Just survive one day at a time. Grant the arsehole his divorce and enjoy your new life with your baby. Btw, my friend already had 3 kids then became pregnant with twins, husband decided to bale out. She is doing just fine as a single mum of 5 amazing kids. You can do this!

He thinks I 'm useless, I don't have dreams...my biggest dream was to become a mother

On top of what you’ve mentioned, I'm so sorry OP. Have the baby, but you need to prepare that he'll be a useless, reluctant, and potentially dangerous father (if he's an alcoholic).

I'm puzzled as to what the hell he expected after going through the process of IVF with you! What an evil bastard to pull this stunt on you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't get why - if you giving up work was such an issue to him - he said nothing about it at the time, and went ahead with fertility treatment. BTW...you're not useless! And I don't believe for a second that you heard a gun to his head and forced him to go through the IVF with you.

I can't tell you what to do or not do. What I will say though is to really take your time to properly think things through, before making any decision about terminating this pregnancy. Look at the logistics, collect the info you need and figure out what will work out for YOU (not him!). See what support you have to hand (not from him though!) and if you can see a solicitor for clarification on things re: divorce. This guy isn't on your side, and he's not your friend. Take things an hour, a day, a week at a time whilst you gather yourself. Speak to your family/close friends to get support.

FWIW, I fell pregnant very unexpectedly (and despite being stringent with contraception etc) in my mid 20's. I was in a solid relationship at the time. Things were rosy for the first 6 months. I was then dumped, and he turned really nasty. It was hard going at times, being on my own (and not what I'd planned at all), but DC1 and I did just fine. I was able to work (luckily I had a career/qualifications) and support us - and eventually I retrained for a different when DC1 was a preschooler. I was lucky enough to have my lovely parents around then - sadly both deceased now - and friends/family who were an amazing support too (DC1 went to a lovely nursery as well).

I'm a single mum again now - I have 2DC (met now XH, married, had DC2 and then divorced him some years later). Things aren't always easy, but I promise that it is easier to parent/live(!) whilst being single, than in a difficult relationship. I'm not wealthy, but I am able to support myself and the DC on what I earn. I wish you all the best x

I jumped ahead of the thread to post this…
so fertility treatment is actively trying to conceive. He deceived you if he now says he wants you to have a termination

he wants a divorce. His response to your pregnancy announcement…a pregnancy you both were actively trying for is to ask for a divorce and a termination?? To me this is abusive.

this is a long awaited child and dc has been difficult to conceive …physically professionally and emotionally demanding but thankfully it was a successful journey worth the costs.

of course you are not going to get a termination Have the longed for baby and you and dc or dcs will be fine

it’s twins? The more the merrier you are exceptionally blessed and your family is complete with the three of you

it’s really worth scaring yourself by imaging you have a termination he divorces you anyways and then goes off with another woman and has children with her Think about how devastating that would be for you

What about explaining this to her child/children when they’re older when they inevitably ask about their dad? It sounds like it simplifies her life but will actually cause complications further down the line.

Congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️ if he doesn't want a baby I'd ditch him and keep the little one 😊

If it is twins you are having - you will manage / cope !

do not get rid of your wanted and planned baby / babies.

look after yourself, you are important and i wish you every success with your pregnancy

your husband can go and take a fucking running jump !

and btw he will be liable for cms. make sure you get it.

@Umang01 this is your miricle. Keep the baby I promise you’ll manage

It's your body he doesn't get to tell you what to do with it. If you want to keep the baby/babies then keep them. You will be fine without him the grass is never greener on the other side. It's his loss and now all your love can go towards your baby. Congratulations go and see you family and share the good news.

@Umang01 i went through 7 years of fertility treatment to have my child. It was horrendous and has forever changed me. I wouldn’t give any of it up because the sheer joy and love I have has been worth every single bit of heartache. In the nicest possible way fuck your husband - you have what you have always wanted a baby. Enjoy being a mum and move on with your life, you will be so much happier once this shock wears off.

Hi OP,

Re the levels, I experienced similar and it wasn't twins it was because my child was big for his dates, the term is "fetal macrosomia" meaning very large - it's not a heath problem. However, you will adapt readily if it is twins.

Your prick of a DH is going to divorce so stuff him, what do you want? To be alone with no baby? Be with a baby? Be with two babies? If you don't want an abortion do not do it.

He is incredibly cruel to ask this of you. If it is possible to get rid of him and not have him in the child's life, I'd do that.

You are in a stressful situation anyway, you don't need him adding to it - if he won't leave, can you stay somewhere else?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m thrilled for you, but also so sorry to read about your situation. I want to share my similar experience in case it’s helpful.

My baby was conceived after 8 years of IVF. The day I found out I was pregnant was the happiest day of my life. I’d never seen a positive test before and was so excited to tell my partner. He immediately picked a fight and stormed out.

The next 5 months of pregnancy were tough - it eventually transpired that my partner had been doubting the relationship for a while (like why the f* go through ivf then!?!). We fought a lot. He went out drinking with friends a lot. I cried a lot. Then when I was 27 weeks pregnant I decided to prioritise me and the baby and moved out. Three weeks later my partner called begging me to come back, apologising and explaining that all his behaviour was due to not dealing with ivf stress as and when it happened. He started therapy that week and I decided to take a chance and reconcile. It’s been baby steps but I feel we got there in the end (it was a few years ago now & we’re good).

I don’t agree or condone his behaviour, but after some reflection, I do feel like I understand it. Somewhere along the line, in 6 yrs of fertility stress, we had both lost ourselves. Fertility treatment is hard on everyone - but it’s especially hard on women. The physical and mental toll (and the time burden) really affects everything - career, friendships, how we look and feel. I definitely wasn’t the person I was at the start of it all. But nor was he and he’d processed it all in a very toxic way.

Im not saying your situation is the same as mine, but I wanted to share to let you know that you aren’t alone. You think a pregnancy is the fairytale ending to your fertility journey, but it isn’t necessarily. For me, it was the start of a very long and painful journey to reestablishing a relationship - which very nearly broke down. Remember that you and your baby are the priority now - good luck x

@Umang01

I am so sorry your husband has turned into a massive shit over this!

Please do exactly what you want to do.

In your shoes I would keep the baby. I've had a lot of IVF/IUI/Fertility treatment etc and one thing I know is it is all very intentional! So, was your husband was cooperating with all this but not wanting a baby? If so, that is ridiculous of him.

Maybe he just got caught up in this long fertility journey and he felt he could not cope. If so, then maybe counselling could help. For him. And if things change. So be it.

I know you have a concern it may be twins but even with IVF that is still quite rare.

But either way, your husband is financially responsible for the child.

It is possible to do this wholly on your own if you want to, but personally, I think your husband should pay his fair share towards his child.

You can resume your career, and the baby's dad's contributions would help with the costs of raising a child.

Whatever you do, make sure it is your choice.

XXXXXXX

@BerryBright
I am glad things worked out for you.

OP We managed to have a child after about a year of treatment but when we tried for a second we had several years of IVF/Fertility treatment with donor eggs etc, and ended up adopting.

I must admit I became quite obsessed with having a child and second one. It took a while but my dh and I are very happy now and our relationship worked out. But fertility treatment and infertility is potentially awful on a relationship.

I am very angry on your behalf that your husband has robbed the joy from this time, but it may be that you can work things out, either together or not together, and either way, you will be a mum, which is what you want. XXXXX

He’s been part of the long fertility process and NOW he wants a divorce?! The day he’s made a woman pregnant with his child?! I’d tell him he can’t have one, he’s just got bastard jitters. Then I’d start planning my happy life with my beautiful new baby. You’ve got a very rare form of scumbag there, he gets one chance to straighten up and come along for the ride.

He’s given an ultimatum. Even if you do have an abortion, what’s to say he won’t divorce you anyway.
I say, keep the baby and abort your marriage to this pathetic man.

He can't make you have an abortion. How cruel hi is knowing how much you want your baby. Go ahead a have your baby. He will still have to pay maintenance for the baby even if he chooses not to have contact. Don't let him snatch your dreams away from you. He'll walk whether you have the baby or not. with it. Don't let him snatch your dreams🧠

Have the baby, ditch the husband. If I could do it, you definitely can. This baby will be loved and will add more value to your life than your husband can now.

You can look into what you would be entitled to benefits wise and focus on this much wanted baby. You will cope because you have to. You will get through it.

Op this is amazing, congratulations!

choose the baby (babies) as this is your only chance and it’s happened for a reason.
Sounds like you’re better off without him anyway.

Hi OP, congratulations again. Just thought, maybe speak to your clinic as they will have seen all the new father reactions and should be able to help a lot.