Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

It boils down to what you'll regret most. Personally I would go ahead as the 'what ifs' would be too difficult to deal with.

I am wondering if in your heart you did want another child and took the risk with protection and now this is the result. Apologies if I am wrong. You wouldnt be the first women to do this but as others say 5 children plus you and DH in a 3 bed with all the associated costs of teens AND double everything for the new twins is going to break you.

Did you keep anything from previous pregnancies?

If she is so sure she wants them why is she posting on here asking the advice of strangers?

Her children are still pretty young. Most of the women I know who regret having children say the realisation hit when their children were older

Your DH has said he’ll support you if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. That means he has come to terms with it being ok in his own head - otherwise he would just not have said it. He clearly loves you and loves what you have, more than what the fall out could potentially be if you have the two abortions. Then there could be resentment and regret on both sides.

The fact you’re saying that you would be heartbroken to abort the babies, seems to say it’s not what you want to do.

I think it’s your heart you need to listen to and make the decision for you.

How the hell does she sound ‘immature’? What a load of rot posters on here come up with.

Her mental health could be fantastic in a small house with lots of kids. Loads of families manage perfectly well, and shock, horror are even happy.

I don’t like the undercurrent on this thread - poor people with a large family = bad. It’s quite disgusting and slightly unnerving.

Do you have anyone old in your life that you can trust? Someone without judgement - I’m thinking 75/80+ perhaps someone not related, maybe an older neighbour. They might be good for a bit of perspective. They might not.

Because I think the finances are of course very important now questions. And the living arrangements are something to seriously consider. And being a mum of 5 will not be easy.
But is being a mum of 3 easy?

I guess I would be trying to think about how I pictured my future, and how much +2 more changes that. And then understanding if I was comfortable with what that different looked like. I’d also be trying to think about what my elder self would be advising me to do. Whether I’d think I was crazy and made my life unnecessarily hard, or whether I think I’d look back and feel it was all worth it.

I also think your husband’s views are important, and that he booked a vasectomy shows he is quite certain this is the final pregnancy, however it ends. Finally, it’s ok not to rush your decision.

Is it possible for you and your husband to get away for a day, and seriously have a discussion with the view to agreeing on a final decision?

I think you need to decide if you're able to manage all 5 as a single parent when dh decides he's not up for this after all. If you feel you can (without relying on the older one to become "mother's help"/putting too much on them) then maybe go ahead.

I wouldn't be though.

Do you really think discouraging bringing children into poverty is disgusting? It's just sensible.
That might not be OPs situation, we don't know if they're poor. But as a general rule, child poverty should be avoided should it not?

If you have any doubts, don’t terminate.

It sounds like you want to continue with the pregnancy and the only reason you’re considering a termination is your husband’s reluctance. If you did what he wants, do you think you’d end up resenting him? As that would affect your relationship just as much as him not being on board with having more children.

And tbh, if he was so sure he didn’t want any more, he should have used a condom or had a vasectomy. It’s not fair to put you through a termination you don’t want just to make his life easier. Based on that, I’d say do what you feel is right. Your marriage could end or become stronger in either situation.

I couldn't abort, but then I unsuccessfully ttc for over a decade, and adopted after 2 mc. Do you have family or friends that could help out if needed? I hope whatever happens, and however you wish to proceed, everything works out. Good luck 💐

OP, you do whatever you feel is right but I really do think you’re painting this as some kind of written in the stars fairy tale and the reality will be very different.

A 3 bedroom house is too small for a growing family of seven.

Your husband doesn’t want another baby, never mind two. That will impact your relationship, whether you believe it or not. He may support you, but he has made it clear this is not what he wants. When you’re in the trenches with two newborns, not working and trying to raise teens, your relationship will be under significant strain and you need to recognise this.

Will you go back to work, or will your husband be the sole earner?

Will your older children be disrupted with two babies in the house who may not sleep?

You need to look at this with “worst case scenario” eyes and decide based on that, not with twinkly “it will all be fine because twins are amazing” eyes.

I am not a bitter miserable woman. You don't know me so why make such stupid comments?

I can guarantee I am years and years older than you and have seen far too many scenarios that could or should have been fine that were actually far from fine.

All the "things will be fine" and "everything happens for a reason" posts are just bullshit. Far too often things are not fine.

Why don't you ask just a few of the children living in poverty if everything is fine and their parents found a way?

I have 6 kids and get looks for disgust, when out and about, or people complimenting us.

Strange isn't it???

Poverty is not the end of the bloody world ffs, and poverty in this country is very very different to true poverty found in other countries. Because the DC can’t have their own bedrooms or private dentistry is not a reason to abort these twins.

Yeah I couldn't work out a reply to that post, thanks for your response it was better than my attempt. It's almost the worst one I've seen on here and there have been plenty. Vipers out with the spring sunshine I think

I could not read and run OP as personally saddened by the responses!
All family sizes/age gaps have their pros and cons, (large families have positives too!) and I agree with you babies are blessings! Our culture now seems to just instinctively favour smaller family sizes.
From what you've said I'm not sure how you would be able to abort and I know I could never either. So just for another perspective-in your shoes I would also embrace the unexpected chaos and find a way of making it work.

Your planning to stay in a 3 bedroom house with 5 kids? I think you need to sit down and have work through how this will effect your current children

Phew, 3 bed semi with 6 people.

I always think you need to leave a space for contingency in life. If you need to be there at 12, aim for 11:50. If you’ve an important project to finish on Wednesday, start at the weekend. You’re really up against it with 5 kids.

Yeah, also:
What if the Russians invade?
What if your dh runs off with the circus?
What if aliens take over the earth and demand a tribute of every 5th child?

There's thinking things through and then there's catestrophising. To a certain extent every child we chose to bring into the world is a leap of faith.

My parents had more children than they could cope with and they did not "just adapt" or "just get on with it". They were abusive and neglectful, and they left the eldest to raise the younger ones.

They didn't "want" to behave like that, but it's absolute nonsense to say that people always manage to deal effectively with stuff, or that love makes it all work out. Life doesn't always work like that, and when it doesn't, it causes lasting trauma. I'm still searching for the "life happens for a reason" explanation for why I had the childhood I did but then grew up and discovered I was infertile.

I really feel like the only thing you're seeing is how cute this is going to be, and you've not considered the impact on your existing children other than to suggest that at least one will be keen to help you parent.

If you can't read the whole thread - unsurprising given its length - then at least read the OP's posts. She's thought about bedrooms and has a solution.

I agree with this, actually. MN is very generally set against having more than 2 children, so I think it will be very difficult to find opinions that come from an open-minded and accepting place when it comes to this issue. Of course there are others who share your mindset, but we're in the minority I'm afraid.

Please, do look for advice anywhere but here: this is such an important experience for you and your family. Do not let your decision making be guided by us randoms on the internet, especially ones who are pretty rigid in their crusades beliefs.

I wish you the best 💐🙏

ETA: Oops! Meant to quote @ThejoyofNC ! 🥴