Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

I think abortions are always heartbreaking.
They are necessary and are a lifeline for people/families being sensible and practical about where their limits are.
You need to use your head.
FIVE children. FIVE.

Being made to have an abortion against her will is just as likely to leave her marriage in tatters.

The 1950s called

Knowingly bringing babies into a household with parents who don't actually want them is much more of a 1950's mentality.

I never said that OP should or shouldn't have an abortion or that it wasn't up to her. But it really should be her DH's choice whether he wants to be a dad and she should not pressure him into that situation. It will simply create resentment all around.

If she is determined to go ahead then it would probably be better to end the relationship rather than make him parent children he doesn't want to parent/ make children grow up in that environment.

That obviously leaves her a single parent and has a knock on effect for the other 3 children in this situation, so personally, it's not something I would consider.

Depends on a lot of factors:
how old you are
do you have any outside help from parents or siblings
how adaptable are your children
how much you may regret not continuing with the pregnancy

If it were me - and I was relatively young and had enough money etc I'd let fate decide, but that's easy for me to say with two grown up children.

What happens when they’ve grown up and none of them can afford to move out?

Not really - taking the choice away from the woman, and suggesting it should be up to the husband is very much the mentality.

Besides, the husband knows sex leads to babies as he already has three. Men's choice starts there, it's actually quite rare to have a genuine contraception failure. If you are so sure you don't want any/anymore wrap up.

Btw, I am not saying I would or wouldn't continue the pregnancy (I probably wouldn't in my current circumstances) but I certainly do not and would not see it as my partners choice and if he didn't want it then that was decided, the end. Absolutely not - it would be one of many factors considered before making ultimately my own choice.

I have to say that “I” would continue with the pregnancy, even if it meant the end of my marriage, but then I wasn’t very happily married in the first place. I don’t think anyone can really “advise” you on what YOU “should” do, because ultimately no one else has lived in your shoes, or has been in an identical situation to you. I DID have an “oops” 5th baby (albeit not twins) and went ahead, and a few years later, my husband left - claiming that we “had too many children and he didn’t want them”. I personally don’t regret the pregnancy, but I do wish things could have worked out differently.

In your shoes I'd listen to my heart. Your husband might be reluctant, as might you, but I agree with you, everything happens for a reason. Anyone's circumstances can change, for better or worse, but your husband has said he'll support you so I'd go ahead if I were you 💐

I know it's not your husband's preference to go ahead with the pregnancy and I don't know the circumstances around your pregnancy (protection etc) and can't RTFT but your husband is half responsible for creating these children. I think he's likely in shock at the moment and will come around. It sounds like you're already attached to the babies and I think once they were here everyone would love them and not be able to imagine life without them. Wishing you the best..

@ChestnutBrown We don't know anything about the nature of the conception, other than that it was an 'oops', which could mean anything.

Some women secretly stop taking contraception in the hope of another pregnancy - I'm not suggesting OP has done this, but it's equally as likely as it being the husband's failure. We don't know so maybe let's not speculate on whose fault it was - it's new life we're talking about, not a broken plate.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure we've simply got crossed wires. As I said, I did not and am not suggesting 'taking choice away from the woman' in terms of abortion or not, or that she should not make this decision. Of course she should (as I have said). I also believe that in conversations on the matter, the parent who does not want a child should have the louder voice and should absolutely be listened to, in the interests of the child and the whole family.

It's morally wrong to bring babies into a home that you know is lacking in enthusiastic love. Children should be born to parents who love and want them. Why knowingly bring them into anything less? There are enough people in this world who have crappy relationships with their parents - let's at least start kids off on the right foot and give them half a chance.

If OP wants to go ahead then, as I said, it's probably better to split up rather than pressure someone who does not want to be a parent into being one, and have children living with a parent who didn't enthusiastically want them.

The reality is that if OP goes ahead, the DH will likely stay resentfully out of love for her/ his current children. I really think that is unfair and wrong and creates a much less than ideal situation for 5 children to grow up in.

Your dh should have taken extra steps to make sure he didn't get you pregnant if he felt so strongly against an unplanned pregnancy, eg by getting a vasectomy. Does he really think it's so easy for you to have an abortion? Will you ever feel the same way about him if he wants you to abort? I'd keep the babies if that's what you want to do. It's your body, your choice.

Exactly and if anything they may be more driven to get their own place as soon as they are financially able.

I'm not fussed about the nature of OPs conception - irrelevant, we know how babies are made - I stand by that men can put something on the end of it so they at least know they have taken precaution for themselves or get the snip.

I am also not arguing the rest of your paragraphs either (both parents around = enthusiastic love though is questionable), my issue with your comment and the reason I quoted you in the first place was you saying that the person who did not want to continue the pregnancy gets the say on it - that's not true and not in any world should it be when it comes to a woman having the right to make a decision over her own body. We are already continuously trying to fight for that - we do not need other women pushing this narrative.

I personally would focus on the financial position, quality of life of all the DC and what the future looks like if either of you were to get sick, lose a job, need to care for elderly parents, the economy crashes, you split up etc. But I plan for worst case scenario being tolerable, when i plan for anything! If you can manage and survive with a decent life when all the chips are down, maybe 5 DC isn't a bad idea. Life is too short to volunteer for something less decent.

Life isn't predictable and just like you think about how many people can safely be accomodated in a life raft, you think about how many people could be safely and comfortably accomodated in your home. I don't think struggling for money, living hand to mouth, feeling the pressure of work is a nice way to live for any one but you may feel differently.

Also the female body is designed to breed, so your hormones will always push you towards it. But just like men can ignore their primal instinct to spread their seed, women can temper the instinct to have children with all the information now available to make decisions.

I can imagine it feels like a horrible choice, so maybe think about what's best for your DC rather than you. Easier to justify to yourself then. And DH should definitely get a vasectomy to avoid you being in this situation again!

@RM24

I don’t want to upset you. You are in a difficult position. But, honestly, these are things you need to consider when coming to a decision about this pregnancy. If you continue the pregnancy this WILL impact on your existing children, and you do need to consider the possibility that this impact may not be in a largely positive way and if this is the case, can you mitigate the negatives? This situation is also likely to have an impact on your relationship with your husband in some way- might be short-term or long-term, but it is potentially an issue and you do need to consider what that might mean for you and your relationship.

As you said, whichever way you go one of you may be resentful and perhaps whichever one if you is resentful will get over it in time and it may have no long lasting negative impact on your relationship. That would be the best outcome. But, what if the opposite occurs and this situation is the trigger for the end of your relationship (not necessarily immediately)? That could be either because you don’t proceed with the pregnancy but unfortunately don’t come to terms with the decision; or because he resents having 2 more children, against his wishes, because feels he cannot cope with emotionally/ practically/ financially. If resentment sets in, especially if you are in the trenches with 2 babies/infants and trying to care for older children, and potentially add in financial stress and inadequate housing- you have a recipe for unhappiness. Nobody can say this will happen, but you do need to think about these factors.

Your existing children could resent you if you are not, in fact, able to cope adequately with 5 children. Sadly, love is not always enough if other things are lacking- parents who have enough time to be supportive, for instance. Another would be not being able to financially support your family- overcrowded housing is linked to lower educational outcomes for children- I’d say 7 people in a 3 bed house is in that territory. We also know that outcomes for older siblings put into parental substitute/mothers helpers roles also have poorer educational attainment, as well as negative impacts on mental health. Again, I am not saying this applies to you. But you do need to consider whether having twins is viable for your family. Because if it isn’t, your children will bear the brunt of that.

None of that is said to upset you, or to say it applies to every family in your position- or even that it applies to you. Only you and your DH can know your abilities and financial position. But your original post was very romanticised and fairytale-like- it didn’t seem particularly realistic- and I was responding to that. Sorry if it upset you.

I have 5 children, they were born over 12 years although all singletons. The first 3.5 years of my youngest life was really difficult as we entered the teenage years (personally the hardest part of parenting for me) while still having a baby/ toddler. It’s also SO expensive, we’d be very comfortable now if we’d only had 2 kids but CoL increases have hit us hard relative to our lifestyle.

Ultimately, we wanted 5 and now the baby years are over it’s great fun and family life is not as hard as it has been however, it’s constant hard work to have so many children with differing needs. I love having 5 children but you really need to want this sort of life otherwise it would be brutal- I would not want to ever be pregnant again and would very likely not continue the pregnancy (not going to happen ✂️).

I hope you manage to reach a decision you are at peace with OP.

*I wouldn't terminate if I had ANY doubts. My body, my choice is appropriate for either option.

You're correct about there being more of a chance to miscarry with a multiple pregnancy, unfortunately. Heartbreaking, of course. Something that happens sometimes, but not always. I've taught several sets of twins during my career, none of them with any serious health issues. If it was me, I don't think this would've affected my decision.

Whatever you decide, God bless all of you.

but as a family we are all very close and it would be their choice to offer to feed a bottle or help with other things as they did when my youngest was born, I had to practically fight my daughter for my son 😂

It won't really be a choice if all they ever see their parents doing is child rearing, and all the family free time is spent child rearing. When's the time to encourage them into hobbies, activities, other play if they don't see you do that yourself? Children need encouragement and opportunities to do different thing, realise there's more to life than child rearing. This on it's own would make me pause, that your daughter is already playing mother's helper. It will only get worse.

My sibling has twins. Yes, it’s true that there are practical challenges and that the pregnancy is more complex.

Also true is how special it has been. I am grateful to have experienced what in this instance for my family really is the magic of twins.

You brought up the nature of conception. Other than that we are saying the same thing. Crossed wires, as I said.

It's a very personal choice so I'm not sure how this thread will help you.
Personally I would be weighing up the effect on my existing children and strain on relationships and finances.

The world is a very expensive place now. Many dc need financial support into adulthood. Changes of premature birth and relate disabilities are also higher with multiples.

End of the day though, you need to do what's right for you

Wow I could have written this myself. Also eldest of 5, 13 when the youngest was born. I love my siblings don't get me wrong, but none of us are exactly close now as adults.

Growing up there was no money, and very little fun. Never got to go out with friends outside of school as there wasn't the cash, no-one to take me, but my mum wouldn't let me go by myself. Same went for hobbies or anything else outside of school. Residential trips? Forget that. We did get holidays at least. Caravan trip to Devon or Cornwall every 2-3 years. As the oldest I wasn't so much affected by hand me downs, but my younger sisters hated it. We were very much known as the poor kids at at school.And that was at a time when one salary was just about enough to support one family. Nowadays? Lol no.

Plenty of love sure, and there were good times, but attention was minimal. When I started falling apart mentally at 17 my parents had no clue until my school let them know how concerned they were for me.

Probably the best thing about being from a large family is that I'm very good at preparing large amounts of food on the fly, and having shared a room from the age of 2 means being in close quarters with people doesn't phase me in the slightest. That and my own kids get spoiled rotten. They have more aunts and uncles just on my side of the family than they do cousins.