Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

It's all very well saying 'well you just adapt' and 'you just get on with it'...

But it isn't just you that is going to have to adapt, get on with it, make sacrifices and compromises.. its four other people. Three of whom have/had no say in the matter whatsoever.

Look at what you lose - money, time with the other kids, work, space.

Will you end up parentifying the older kids, getting them to look after younger ones because you literally cannot be in two places at once?

You will have to spend a lot more time saying to the older children 'sorry, you'll have to wait, the twins need me to do x..' and that will be multiple times a day.

This is really something only you and your DH can decide on, but I would forget about the fairy tale fate bollocks - look at the practicalities. Love is simply not enough I'm afraid!

OP you are 31 and have a 12 year old. You have been raising children since you were a teenager. One of the advantages (as I see it) in having children so young is that from your early 40s onwards you do not have childcare responsibilities and have decades to live a more carefree life while you still have lots of energy with the all opportunities that brings. I had my DC a lot later than you and will be in my 50s when they are 18. I really wish I’d had them earlier. Anyway my point is the prospect of starting another 16+ years of child rearing at your stage in life, having already had 3, would fill me with dread but of course everyone is different so do what feels right for you.

And I’m not sure why so many people feel sorry for OP’s DH and claim this pregnancy has been forced on him. Unless OP forced him not to have a vasectomy or wear a condom I cannot see how he has been forced into fatherhood again.

She's posting on here because her DH wants them aborted and she is not sure, and she would like some back-up and some advice so that she can make a decision. My DH only wanted 2 children, I wanted more. He had a vasectomy which I reluctantly agreed to and then sulked when I was unhappy about it and a bit off-hand with looking after him (he had organised his own discomfort and I wasn't happy about the choice, was my reasoning). We got divorced a few years later and then he blamed me for his having a vasectomy (he blamed me for his career taking a downturn as well). OP wants a hand hold.

There's no way I'd end the pregnancy. I'd absolutely go ahead with the pregnancy. All of the issues can be worked through. I'd think a lot less of my husband if he tried to pressure me to abort, to the point, I'd probably end my marriage over it.

I'm sure you'll manage and your husband will come round. If he doesn't, you'll have your wonderful children and all the love in the world.

One of my parents is a twin and the bond between them is just incredible, I had always wanted twins myself because of seeing how wonderful it was as I was growing up. But my above comment stands even if it were a singleton pregnancy.

You need to trust your gut instinct, which is obviously to continue with the pregnancy. If you don't, you'll always have regrets and probably never get over that. Then it'll breed resentment in your marriage. If your husband doesn't naturally get his head around it, I'd give him a firm talking to. Either he pulls himself together and gets on with it (he contributed to the pregnancy after all), or he packs his bags if he's not man enough to parent 5 wonderful children.

I meant why is she pro keeping twins but wasn't for keeping a singleton...

I really think you should go ahead with the pregnancy if that's what you want. Good luck to you!

"All the love in the world" doesn't pay for children. It doesn't feed them, clothe them, give them time and attention.

I really don't think not having your own bedroom or a private dentist can be classed as poverty.

There is poverty in this country - children without a bed, children without shoes or warm clothes, children who do not get enough to eat. Poverty may often be worse in somewhere like India but that doesn't make it any better for the children in the UK living in poverty.

I can only assume you are very young to make the comment "poverty is not the end of the bloody world"!

Never said it would be wonderful and most posters have been objective

Clothes - handmedowns from the previous children are fine. I had handmedowns my whole childhood.

Feeding them - true, the food bills will be more expensive but hardly enough to warrant aborting children.

Time & attention - lots of families have 5 children and don't have any problems with this. My mum was one of 8 and all of them had love, time and attention. You get some parents having one child and not giving them any time or attention. I know of a child (in my wider family, husband's side), and the parents barely spend any time with their child, think nanny's, au pairs, housekeepers, and high-flying careers!

I 100% support a womans right to choose. I don't think you should let yourself be pressured in to something (either way) you might regret. Perhaps have some private therapy to think through your feelings? But either decision you make will have consequences for you, I guess choose the one with the consequences you can live with easiest? Good luck.

OP, I am the oldest of five children, and I was 13 when my youngest sibling was born, so I have some empathy with your oldest.

Honestly it was awful. My parents didn't have the time or energy to focus on the older children as the younger ones arrived. I was an unpaid babysitter a lot of the time, and I resented it. I felt pushed out - there was no space to escape from the noise and chaos of younger children. There wasn't much money to go around. As a family we didn't tend to do things I enjoyed. I mostly kept my head down, and escaped to other places as often as I could.

There were times when my dad was away for weeks on end, and we were mostly in survival mode.

I hated long car journeys, all packed into one car, with young kids shrieking in my ears. I dreaded holidays.

There was plenty of love to go around, just not much of anything else. And teenagers need more than just love.

'Either way one of us will be having to do something we aren't 100% on doing.'

I'm afraid in this situation, the person who does not want the child gets the final say. You can't bring new lives into this world, knowing that their father is not on board and didn't really want them, but begrudgingly agreed out of pressure. It will impact them and him for life and is not fair.

As someone from a family of 5 siblings, with twins born when I was 10, I can also say without a doubt it will negatively impact your older two children.

You simply will not be able to give them the amount of support and attention they need whilst they navigate their teenage years. With twin babies and a three year old as well, it's just not possible to give them all everything they need.

It's a horrible situation for you to be in and a horrible decision to have to make, and I feel for you - but I really think in this situation, your current family set up will almost definitely be negatively impacted.

Of course you'll 'learn to adapt and get on with it' as you say, you'll muddle through, but nobody will be thriving in this situation. All of your children will grow up in much less than ideal circumstances.

Personally it's not what I would want for my family, but you and your DH need to make your own decision.

From what you’ve said it’s not a quality of life I’d be happy with. You’re going to have to lose a downstairs room to have enough bedrooms? This is not ideal. Living space is important especially with larger families and as they get older and want friends over.
Being 31 is helpful in one respect but you’re going to be so downtrodden unless you’ve got loads of money and help which it doesn’t sound like you do. Is this really all you want from life? Nappies and sleepless nights, endless park trips and plastic toys, kids bickering… That said you sound like you really want them? What makes them ‘oops’? Are you sure you there wasn’t an element of you being lax because you wanted another?

Tricky times OP, and difficult if you cannot come to a feeling that is 100% comfortable.

My own thoughts on reading your OP:
I would worry about money. Things will not get easier over the next few years, and with huge extra expense of a 7 seater car, bills, everything, ability to provide any holidays, groceries, needing two of everything for the babies etc etc. I would worry.
Plus the impact in the short and longer term on your earnings and your business.
5 to potentially support through Uni - eek!
Yours and DH's job security - OK? And your pensions? Because adding more child raising years can reduce the years in which you can catch up and save (ask me how I know!)

The practicalities would do my head in - meals for teenagers, meals for small children coming in from school, huge quantities of washing, queuing for the bathroom if you only have one...you have the teen years upcoming for your 2 eldest...

You're young - did you have your first at 19? I dunno - when will you and DH get a life to yourselves? I think young families are great but by the time any new babies leave home you will be 49. You might be craving some independent life by then. 40 yo men are notorious for wanting to spread their wings, take to their bikes, not be tied down to family. MN is full of it.

I would worry about impact on other children. By the time your eldest is starting GCSE years your youngest will be in school. The GCSE and A level years are quite intense, support and stability is important if they are to do their best. OK the baby years would be done, so that's good, but it's a lot of parenting needed - reading practice with twins, teens in the house..... Of course amongst the stats plenty do really well but the truth (established in many studies) is that children from big families do less well educationally than those in smaller.

I have a friend who has 5 kids - 4 are thriving, very bright and high achieving and as a family they manage to do a lot together, have a lot of fun and manage in a modest house with average income. BUT the one who has been diagnosed with ASD conditions is not thriving at all. And there isn't a lot of space, time, money or quiet to support their needs. (they get a lot of support from family, including financial, but the Mum hasn't been able to work since the youngest 2 were born)

However if you thrive on parenting and motherhood, love domestic activity, can cope with huge piles of washing with good cheer and energy, and if you and your DH feed each other's enthusiasm and love by raising children, then go ahead and enjoy raising a big bursting at the seams family!

You and your DH need to discuss what you each gain and lose from each scenario, and what you gain and lose as a couple and as a family...and ultimately what you can live with and what you cannot live with in your decision.

I really hope it works for the best which ever way you go.

The person who gets the final say is the person who is pregnant thank youuuuu

Although some comments have been horrible I have taken points out of them but to say my husband will leave me and my other kids will resent me is so unnecessary

I’m sorry this bit hurts. But I think it’s, at least in part, a reaction to you romanticizing twins. The reality of twins is that they aren’t a blessing (other than in the way that all babies can be thought of as a blessing). Your body hasn’t evolved to handle two fetuses at once. You may well manage it, but it’s not optimum for you or your babies. Your womb isn’t really big enough (especially if you’re on the shorter side) your babies will kick each other and one may dominate the other in terms of resources. You are more likely to have a range of serious complications in pregnancy and delivery.

Once the babies are here you are more likely to have problems in your marriage. Physically and socially we aren’t adapted well to twins (current society isn’t adapted that well to single babies at the moment, but twins is worse). Nuclear families mean you have too little at home, especially at night. Your marriage is less likely to survive than having one baby at a time. Your babies are more likely to have SEN and educational outcomes are likely to be lower than if they were singletons.

The Twins Trust has calculated that the financial cost of having twins is £20K more than having two babies in succession. And household incomes decline by about 15%. Parents of twins are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, not just immediately postpartum but for years after birth.

I have twins. I love them. It’s been really hard (and that’s without other children already in the mix) but we’ve done well. They get on together, they’re doing well in school. I can still how they (and DH and I) would both have been much better off if I hadn’t had the two of them together. And I can see that it might have been a really poor choice to go ahead with the pregnancy if we’d had other children already.

Don’t romanticise the twin bit of your pregnancy. If you don’t want an abortion because you’re against abortion, that’s a reasonable decision. But don’t have the children because they are twins, that’s unfair on everyone.

Yes. But then the reality is that the person who is pregnant ends up with all the responsibility of that, including potentially being a single parent with a marriage in tatters. Or maybe they just really love their partner and couldn't bear to see him live life feeling caged and working on a hamster wheel to provide for a family he is working so hard to feed that he can't relax and enjoy time with them.

Either way - ultimatums in these circumstances are best avoided if possible. So long honest heart searching talks will be best.

If you have doubts about a termination, please don’t have one. It can destroy people living with that regret.

Your husband was having sex, right? So he knew there was a risk.

I'm currently pregnant (thank youuuuu). If I thought that my baby was coming into a home with a father who did not enthusiastically celebrate their existence and want them, then I would either break up with him or terminate.

The situation OP is describing, bringing babies into a household with a father who may begrudgingly agree to their existence but would rather they were not there, is simply not good for the children, the father, or the rest of the family.

In a couple, if one person wants children and the other doesn't, then it is best not to have them (and/ or to separate).

Congratulations.

Many women have to make that choice, it is still their choice right?

I'm afraid in this situation, the person who does not want the child gets the final say.
Yes, if a couple are talking about trying for a baby, this is true. The person who doesnt want the child gets the final say.
OP is already pregnant though! I'm pro choice. It sounds like you are not pro choice as you think her dh should be able to overrule OP's choice about her own body and make her have an abortion.

I wonder why the dh has waited till now to get the snip. Talk about shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted!

I mean, yes, considerations come into many choices we make, I am just saying in response to the person I quoted that the husband in this situation does not get the over riding choice at all - it is and always should be the woman who has the final say in what they do with their own body. To suggest any different is dangerous

Why would your children resent you? I note their ages and they’re like pairs (the 12yr old and the 9yr old, one pair) with your 3yr old lacking a sibling close in age to them. So, that child at least might welcome them, and so might the other two who have already have to deal with a baby (your now 3yr old).

You might miscarry both, you might miscarry one, or you might have two babies. You’re young. You need to think what you want to do. Imagine each scenario, then imagine having a termination. What could you deal with? What feels right for you?

OP should listen to the father when he says that he does not want these babies. He is most likely telling the truth. Lots of women hope that feelings will change when the baby is born, only to find that it doesn't quite work that way.

Of course it's OP's choice what she does or does not do with her body - but a father who says he does not want more children needs to be listened to and understood for what he is actually saying.