Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

Another one who believes you need a mansion in order to have a happy larger family. They're out in force today!

Meanwhile, in the real world, those of us with 4DC+ who live in three bed houses manage perfectly well. Our children are loved and cared for, well fed, well educated, and each has a raft of hobbies and interests to account for. Not all of us are sat shivering around the stove in rags, waiting for our gruel to cook!

My initial thought was no, as I assumed you were older.

At 31 it's a bit trickier as you are very young, so not so many reasons not to do it (risk of genetic issues lower, more time to build up career / business after early years of childhood, more energy as a younger mum etc).

I guess it depends on your own set up and your finances etc. how much time can you dedicate to each child.

I am 40. I have 2 kids, ages 8 and turning 5. I would have loved another one but I feel I am now too old. Physically, I'm in much worse shape than a few years ago and heading towards menopause. There are now no grandparents to help with childcare. My career wouldn't recoverer from another mat leave. I find life very hectic with 2 kids., I would worry about not being the meet their needs if I had 3.

But I was 31, or 35, I would probably go for a third.

Not sure about a fifth though!

But they are all things to consider.

It isn’t just about bedrooms though is it?

Removing a room downstairs to make a bedroom for the parents will impact the teens as they get older and can’t use the downstairs spaces because the parents are in bed.

Two of the children will have smaller rooms, the twins will be upstairs away from parents in their toddler years and are likely to wake up the older kids if their rooms are closest.

It doesn’t mean it can’t work, but there is a lot more to consider than just bedrooms. 7 people in a 3 bedroom house will be a squeeze.

Plenty of grown up kids disagree with that though...

I would feel as you do OP.
My 3rd was a 'whoops' baby and my DH wasn't on board. She's one now and my DH dotes on her.
You find a way to make it work if that's what you really want.
And you do have to do what you really want. You talk about how your husband may resent you for continuing the pregnancy and that will erode your marriage... but it's also true that you may resent him if you abort healthy babies that you really wanted, because it would please him.
Yes you need to be practical but it doesn't sound like it would be unmanageable. Just harder than it is now.
It takes two to tango. There's a risk of pregnancy any time you have penetrative sex unless eother of you have been sterilised.
And I would ask why he hasn't had the snip if he's so against you having more children?
I was always on at my DH to have the snip.. then after our suprise 3rd he took it seriously and did it.
End of the day it's you carrying these children so it's you who has to make the final decision.
Your husband can voice his concerns but any decent man will not pressure you to abort a baby.
My DH voiced his concerns about our 3rd but I told him I would not be aborting. And from that moment on he was supportive and a loving father to her
Had he been any other way about it once I'd said what I wanted then the marriage would probably been over anyway.
Got no time for men who father children then expect you just to abort.

@Digdongdoo Strange how no one in my large extended family (who went on to have larger families themselves) have ever raised objections! Nor our many friends who find themselves in similar situations.

Still, there's plenty who do disagree with you. Some are on this thread.
Did you grow up in a large, poor family yourself?

Typical misery of mumsnet hahah

This.

Have your beautiful babies, your family will figure it out. Don’t do something you will regret. Congratulations!!

Also, as regards "large families can be wonderful " debate, I don't disagree. There are a lot of benefits to a large family.

However, the dynamics are very different and the siblings very much become the heart of the family. The more kids there are, the more the parents have to divide their time and attention. The kids often become more reliant on each other and less so on the parents.

The large families I know have busy, close relationships with the siblings, the kids have lots of aunties / uncles, which is all lovely. But the parents who had 5 kids have ended up with 15+ grandkids and they don't have particularly close relationships with any of them.

It's not awful. It's just different. The younger kids view the older kids as their "go to" person and are all very close. The parents were just spread too thinly.

Because no only children of rich families in large houses are ever abused.

One of my close friends has 6 brothers and a sister. She shared a triple bunk bed with two brothers when she was primary aged! She speaks of her childhood with fondness and is very close to most of her siblings (bar one who is horrible)
I was an only child with a massive bedroom all to myself.. I had a difficult childhood.
Tbh I do not think it's about how many siblings you have (unless it's utterly ridiculous like on a reality tv show.. there's no way you can give 20+ kids the support they need imo)
It's about the environment you are in, how you are parented etc...
I know people with one sibling and they hate each other... hated each other growing up..
I know people from large families who are all really close.

I don't think the number of kids is the issue some posters are making it out to be.

I forgot to add in my post earlier there’s a lady I work with who has 7 kids by herself she seems happy never goes without raised them by herself for the most part so what if you need help with housing of government assistance no shame in it at all people are incredibly judgmental & sometimes less is more if you truly love kids & being a mum & looking after them & want the twins go for it. In the 60s , 70s 80s most people had large family’s my mum comes from a large family where they shared bedrooms & didn’t have pots of money & she cherished her childhood 💕 You do you hun💝

@Digdongdoo And there are many more on this thread who agree with my view.

You clearly missed my earlier post, in which I stated that I am an only child (due to parental infertility) who has longed every day for a sibling(s) to share life with. My mother however is one of five, and grew up very happily in a three bed, as did my father (one of four) and their siblings. Yes both my parents came from northern, working class backgrounds, but both enjoyed loving and happy childhoods. For them, the extra siblings and room sharing was a bonus!

Not everyone shares your anti-large family rhetoric.

Exactly. It's the parents not the number of kids. My parents were pretty neglectful and I lived in a 6 bedroom house and was an only child that they lavished an expensive education on. They were never there though. I was so lonely.
I used to fantasise about a big warm happy family where there was always someone to play with. Idve loved to share my room.
As an adult now with 3 kids who isn't wealthy.. I look at my children and see how much happier and more confident they are than I was. Because we are this close family in a smaller space.

I think 3 is enough. After all you weren't planning more children. It was an 'accident'.

I know this won't be popular but like you I think things happen for a reason and I would have these babies.

You should not proceed with an abortion if you are unsure that you want one. An abortion you did not want is likely to sour your relationship with DH in the future. You need to discuss this with him and tell him you do not feel able to have this procedure. If he tries to coerce you then I am not sure what that would mean for your relationship. Lots of love.💐

and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again

OP I really hope this isn't more than am absolute fleeting thought. You cannot factor this in to your choice.

Oh yes, all fun and games until you're a single mum on benefits in a 3 bedroom house with 3 angry kids and 2 newborns

It’s far from an ideal situation but I can understand you not wanting to end the pregnancy and the regret you are likely to feel given your current thinking.

It depends how on board your DH will be, how much strain you are already under. If you are “comfortable” now then likely you will find ways to adapt and cope as you said.

I say this as someone who personally isn’t in favour of more than 2 DC per family but you are already in this situation. It doesn’t mean I can’t temporarily put myself in someone else’s shoes.

I have three children can’t have more but in you’re situation I’d say it’s meant to be x

Please point me in the direction of where I even implied that. I'll wait.

You've also made a huge assumption there - my family was very wealthy.

And in any case, the existence of abuse in rich, only child families isn't some 'gotcha!' justification for having a bigger family.

I’m sorry you have been so attacked on this thread. All of those saying 5 children is unmanageable may be telling their own truth, but as someone with 5 kids (and both parents working full time) I disagree. We just took our 5 ice skating and had a blast all together and I wouldn’t change my big family for the world. There are many positives to a big family just like there are to only having one child or none ant all. Honestly, the main thing is that if you want these babies, then keep them. Everything else will work itself out, including your DH. If you terminate for him you will resent him and it may end your relationship in the long run anyway.