AITA? Due date the week my SIL lost her baby boy prematurely in 2020?

[Sae3005]

I was just wondering AITA?

Backstory: I have just had my 12 week dating scan, and it has put my due date as of 29th of June. I am having to have an elective c-section due to the fact I almost lost my son in my last labour. This means my surgery date will be between the 22nd-28th of June. My SIL is pregnant at the same time as me and is dated a week behind me. I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020 and she told me I had to demand they did not give me that date. I asked the hospital I am birthing at and I was told I don't have a choice over my surgery date and they would not take SIL's concerns into consideration. I informed her of this and now she has told everyone I am choosing that date delibrately.

I had BIL messaging me yesterday and he was being far from kind, infact he was being a bit of an d!ck about it and they have both been writing indirect posts about me and how I am 'a bullshitter'. So I deleted and blocked them.

So AITA for possibly having my baby on the date they lost their baby in 2020? and AITA for refusing to change the date, if I am given that surgery date because I want to put mine and my babies health first?

I’m sorry but if it happens by chance she will deal with it and it will still be hard. That is very different from you actively choosing it when you have a planned c sections other days available if slightly more inconvenient for you

i am all for people sticking up for themselves but consideration for family including you son is important too

I've literally said I'm asking for the Friday before. Not sure how much more I can do? Literally everyone has brushed over the fact I've lost 4 and almost lost my son during labour. Like?

Everyone's literally ignored the fact I'm asking for the Friday before and hopped to the conclusion that my first port of call is grabbing that date? Like?

Yeah, I've had sections. It wouldn't be my ideal choice, but I'd do it under the circumstances . Alternatively, couldn't your mum be there, or she look after the kids, or may for childcare. All things that have been suggested.

I need her to drive me there and back, and she can't do the school runs. She could have them for a day and that's about it, which is why Friday would've been best and like Ive said multiple before I'm going to enquire about the Friday before.

What will you SIL do if her baby is born on that date? ... She will be praying it won't happen I bet, absolutely terrified that it might... but the point being made here is that you have the potential to AVOID the date, like you are trying to avoid OTHER days because of childcare etc.. if she had half the chance, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't plan on giving birth on that date! Please find some compassion for how absolutely petrified she must be that the dates may align for her in this way, instead of using it as a comeback in an argument to try & justify your thoughts.

Others are commenting on your partner, it's a valid point, if he moves mountains & is the worlds best, then juggling childcare is perfectly manageable, it's what happens daily in these situations. And is what he should be doing.

Literally have said 15 times I'm asking for the Friday before and everyone's skipped over it like 20 times.

They won't give you before 39 weeks.

Thankfully could give you the monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday of your 39th week, and you'd have 6 MONTHS to come up with a plan, and it means your baby isnt born on the same dy as your SIL's died. Brilliant!

Actually, can't be offered most of them because my hospital only does planned c-sections on certain days. So you are more than wrong on that. Thankfully for me, they do Fridays and Saturdays scheduled. They might consider me for the week before because of a) my son almost dying and b) my babies always been above 90th centile. I won't know unless I ask.

And I will ask. Because all they can do is say no.

People are skipping over you mentioning the Friday before because you said previously that it's most likely not possible as it's before the 39 week mark? But then you went on about how convenient a Friday is? So naturally, the majority of posters are trying to help you see how unreasonable it would be to put convenience in front of your stillborn niece/nephew, which seems to be the theme of your replies?

Best of luck to you, I really hope your pregnancy is smooth & you don't get inconvenienced by your C-section being booked on the wrong day of the week... but I really REALLY hope you and your partner are much more considerate of your SILs awful situation as time moves forward.

I have no idea why you thought it was appropriate to tell her that your baby was due on or around that date. What a really stupid and tone deaf thing to do. Her response is wrong - but really - what did you expect?

I think you shouldn't entertain any drama. Just block them so they cannot contact you and leave them to be. By the time you have your meeting in May you can start making more realistic plans and see what the hospital wants/can do.
I met with an obstetrician towards the end of my pregnancy in my local university hospital and he told me the ideal week to bring babies out is 38. But also I went to my 36w scan and suddenly they found a problem so my baby had to be brought out asap. All my plans went out of the window and I had an EMCS a few days later. As you have children I would really start making back up plans in case something happens and you have to give birth very short notice.

I told her my due date was the 29th and I would have my surgery between the 22nd-28th. Did not say my due date is her babies birth date because it is not.

I'm hoping they'll consider me for 38 weeks. I've had babies over 90th centile, almost lost my son and almost bled out after having my daughter. I won't know my date, until it comes in the post, and I also won't get a preference as per my trusts rules - but if I had a preference, it would be a Friday. If I don't get my preference then I have a month and a half to sort something, not sure what I'll do mind. Also, if I'm not given my preference, there is still a risk I'm delayed due to other emergencies and it will end up on that date.

I probably didn't make it clear enough that even though I personally have a preference and there's a better day for us, that it won't get listened to.

She's being completely unreasonable. You are definitely not being an arse.

My backstory: I've been dreading this week, as it's the anniversary of my baby's death tomorrow (10+ years ago). However, I don't expect anyone else to feel the same way, or be impacted by it - and still try to make it special for my living DC .

I don't know if I'm weird or not, but I am very happy when people have a healthy baby, irrespective of the date. For me, it affirms that healthy, typical births happen (all mine were CS). I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone.

Has your SIL had a baby before? All my CS, the date was decided by the hospital, based on clinical need & staff availability. My preference (or anyone else's) would have made no difference.

Hopefully you and SIL will have happy healthy babies next month.

You said this "I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020 and she told me I had to demand they did not give me that date." in your opening post.

Everyone is skipping over you asking for the week before because everyone (including you) know the week before almost certainly not going to be an option, so you asking for that acheves nothing. You are much more likely to be allowed another day during week 39, but are choosing not to ask for that.

OP the more you post the more you come across as someone who probably goes through life immersed in aggro and aggression and blissfully bitterly unaware as to why.

After reading my replies, I can see why people have read things the way they have. I struggle with reading comprehension and getting what I mean across over text.

1. I have a day preference and I have a reason for those even if you agree or not, but I was told my trust does not normally listen to these preferences even if I asked for it. Saturday is also ok, not as ideal but it would be ok and I would be telling my consultant this too.
2. My partner does look after his kids and our home, he's an amazing father and partner and does a lot more than I see a lot of women complain about. He will be taking his 2 weeks paternity off, but he has to bike for nursery runs and he can't fit all our children on and for school runs, my son can't walk yet, so it's safer he didn't take them, hence my concern about recovery.
3. Yes, I understand why that date is upsetting for my SIL. It was expected that I would be due the 5th of July and have them the 4th, that's what my cycle stated and what my 6 week scan stated, hence why we discussed the preferences for a Friday earlier. I did not anticipate I'd measure a week ahead at my 12 week scan and thus didn't imagine I'd be due that week, so our Friday preference was decided way in advance if our scan which was literally 4 days ago. I want to avoid it, hence why I'd mention the week before and tell him that a Saturday would be ok (even though our preferences usually aren't listened to anyway)
4. Because my trust does not listen to preferences, and because my operation includes a tubal, there is a chance my op would be pushed back anyway and I really do risk landing on that date because of it, I would never intentionally choose that date, even if it read like I would because I'm not a cunt. I did mention in one of my replies that a Saturday would be ok, even if not as ideal but it got lost somewhere in the comment section.
5. in my trust, scheduled c-sections are only done on certain days, if they're booked out, I will end up with that date also, I can't avoid it.
6. Those on about if I went into labour early what I would do, if that was the case we would have an emergency on our hands and I would be blue lighted in for an emergency C-section because obviously I can't drive, I'd have to find someone who could take my kids last minute, and I'm not sure who truly could bring honest. It's a worry, and I'm not sure what I'd do especially if it was a weekend.

My comments read as if I've chosen that date, when I haven't. I just said Friday was a preference, we don't get to choose in our trust, and our preferences aren't listened to. It would be mentioned in passing and I would organize something (somehow) if I got a different date, the problem would just arise that family members couldn't keep taking my kids, for me to be sent home.

Please address my recent comment.

You need to plan for this scenario as you have another child that needs taking care of if something happens. You need to find a village. If my neighbour knocked on my door and told me this situation I'd be available to help them out. Neighbours, parents at the childcare, connections from other places, paid help, a babysitting service. You must have a plan in case of emergency for your other child. Anything could happen on any day of the week, pregnancy or not. Babies sometimes just come when they come and they don't respect the calendar.

Oh and I forgot.

1. To those saying I told her I could have my baby on her due date was insensitive. I definitely typed that wrong also. I did not. This is the conversation we had. For context, her son's was moved because she had an induction, not a C-section. Thus also proving I did not realize the Friday was even the 27th until now. So no, I did not intentionally choose that date and as I've proven and said time and time again, I do not get to choose. The day was again, just a preference.

Please refer to my last 2 comments x

The hospital can get an orderly to help with that sort of thing and see you to the hospital exit. Then yes, maybe you do need to take a taxi. I wouldn't want to either but sometimes you do what you've got to do.