AITA? Due date the week my SIL lost her baby boy prematurely in 2020?

[Sae3005]

I was just wondering AITA?

Backstory: I have just had my 12 week dating scan, and it has put my due date as of 29th of June. I am having to have an elective c-section due to the fact I almost lost my son in my last labour. This means my surgery date will be between the 22nd-28th of June. My SIL is pregnant at the same time as me and is dated a week behind me. I informed her that there is a possibility my baby will be born on the date she lost her son at 21 weeks back in 2020 and she told me I had to demand they did not give me that date. I asked the hospital I am birthing at and I was told I don't have a choice over my surgery date and they would not take SIL's concerns into consideration. I informed her of this and now she has told everyone I am choosing that date delibrately.

I had BIL messaging me yesterday and he was being far from kind, infact he was being a bit of an d!ck about it and they have both been writing indirect posts about me and how I am 'a bullshitter'. So I deleted and blocked them.

So AITA for possibly having my baby on the date they lost their baby in 2020? and AITA for refusing to change the date, if I am given that surgery date because I want to put mine and my babies health first?

Please refer to my latest comments :)

Grinning face emoji's in response to a comment about how and why that date would be hard for her. Words fail me.

Does the ambulance service actually ‘blue light’ women in for emergency sections when they’ve gone into labour ahead of a planned section? Surely the expectation would be that you’d phone for a taxi. I don’t think it’s right to expect to treat an already stretched paramedic service as a taxi service?! You probably not need an actual paramedic for the first stages of labour so you’d just be using them to drive you, rather than attend to your medical needs. So I doubt they’d actually send an ambulance out in that instance. Or if they did, it would be a long wait.

I'm so so sorry you lost your child in labour!
You've done what you can for SIL if they choose to fall out with you it's on them I would ask your DP to back you and deal with any communication about this and then try to enjoy your pregnancy

I noticed that too.

OP, you're going to have to think more flexibly. I don't have a village either yet, when the chips are down, there's always someone who can be found, even if it's not our ideal scenario.

During my last birth I almost died. That required some fast thinking as I had other kids I thought I'd have been there with immediately after the birth. Instead I needed someone to stay with them for a few days. I hadn't organised anything as I wasn't expecting this kind of scenario, yet had to find a way, like you do. At least you have time to think about it and plan.

IF she knew that SIL would have this reaction, but how could she have known

It's not a grinning emoji at all. At least that is not how I take it as. I actually cannot win can I? I did not mean nothing malicious by it at all. If I did I'd of used the laughing emoji.

It was not intended to be a grinning emoji. At all.

It's actually a laughing emoji. I get you didn't know it, but it is.

The context in how I use it. I'm sorry but that's unfair. Id never laugh at her worries no matter what she'd done to me.

It's not. It means you feel awkward or embarrassed. I actually can't believe you think I'd laugh at that? I might have come across as insensitive when I didn't mean to but I would never laugh at that.

Fair point. I just doesn't give that impression.

I admit I've come across as a bit brash over some of my comments and a lot of them were as clear as mud. I made it sound like I was purposely planning to pick that date when that wasn't my intention but I would never purposely hurt someone nor laugh at someone's loss.

Honestly, OP you do come across as slightly hard work. It might be more honest to say you don't like SiL because she's an awful person who has treated you terribly so you don't really care if the date you have your baby affects her.

The list of random reasons why you "might" have this baby on the day her child died but with the implication that it's all out of your control are stupid. If you cared about upsetting her, other than the hospital refusing any other date - which is possible and everyone would need to accept, everything else is sortable one way or another.

You have 6 months, start looking at emergency child care now, find a local agency or sitters.com or something, meet a few people. Speak to the nursery staff and see if any do ad hoc childcare when not on shift or would be willing to. Speak to other parents, start building your village. Partner could possibly take emergency carers leave if needed.

Your Mum could drive you to / from the hospital and partner could follow in a taxi or on the bus, so would be available to carry bags and be there for your surgery. You could reasonably get a taxi there and back yourself with partner while Mum had the kids but I understand you don't fancy that, you'd be fine though, a car is a car and at least a taxi driver would help with bags.

A weekend is not long enough to recover from a section as you well know, especially if you have additional risks. Again, partner could book a taxi, 7 seat if needed for the school run to avoid the 50mph road and take all the children with him for a few days. It's an expense but save for this now, a couple of £ a week in a taxi fund jar. Or book an hour of childcare in the mornings for the first week if it works out cheaper so you can rest and concentrate on baby while partner does the school runs.

All of this is sensible to do SiL situation aside because you cannot guarantee getting a section between school hours on a Friday, you know birth is not straightforward and baby could decide they're coming early, you could only be offered say a Tuesday or end up pushed back by emergencies.

I'm sure there are other problems I've missed and that there will be holes in these suggestions but just take a step back from the emotion and think about it, you really do need a plan B.

Please read my recent comment with things listed.

I thought it was clear that you didn't get a say in the date. I think your SIL is being unreasonable about that. If you do end up having a say, I'd aim for a day either side at least, just to be kind, but only if that doesn't add any risk to you or the baby.

You still have to find a way to have a back up plan for days other than Friday though. As you know by now, pregnancy and birth is unpredictable and you have other kids to think of. You do sound inflexible.

I wasn't going to make any plans until my consultation appointment. We have a lot to go over including the added risks of my ligation. I want to talk to him first before any decisions are made because he quite literally has mine and my unborn babies life in his hands. Everyone has a preference, but I knew my preference wouldn't be considered anyway. I can't make any plans not decisions until I speak to the consultant, as I know planned c-sections are only done on certain days in my trust and I also know they avoid holidays. My post was mainly a vent because they turned on me because of my due date, one second I'll insert a screenshot, and then it got overwhelmed with everyone's assumption I was choosing that date on purpose, which was not my intention to come across like. This screenshot was after he threatened me physically over my due date being the 29th.

Their response there sounds apologetic. Obviously it was triggering for them and I'd give them a bit of grace with their late loss. They have a bit of time to come to terms with the possibility of the babies sharing a birth date, so hopefully they will.

I've read this whole thread and thought people were being harsh to you but reading those texts made me feel sad for your SIL.

Sje hasn't deliberately tried to make you feel bad and your responses are totally uncaring. You don't sound bothered at all.

Your SIL doesn't come across bad in those messages at all...she has just said she hopes neither of your dates fall on the 27th as she would find it hard and knows that comes across selfish. I feel like you have really pushed in your messages to her and to your brother that you could have your child on that date and I don't know why you have done that when you are so far in advance, I can completely see why she would find that upsetting.

To one of your messages she replied 'ah okay x' and you still went on...

I read it. Makes no difference. I understand you can't necessarily choose, you just have a preference for the anniversary day (although you did initially think it would be a different Friday).

You said if it ends up being a different day either admission by ambulance or not you will have to sort something out regarding child care.

My strong suggestion is you do that ahead of time, also plan support for when you are home and that my impression is you don't really care about upsetting SiL because she's an awful person. If you did you you would feel equally as pressed to "sort something out" to deal with all the things that make Friday preferable, because Friday wouldn't be preferable.

The messages were sincere, but the posting statuses about me and making lies up after was not, obviously cannot post those as it includes loads of people's names and it will reveal my location but that is why I'm upset. I informed them I would not do that to them, and I'll be honest I didn't even know the Friday was the 27th till someone in here pointed it out and that's when I said I'd ask for the week before if it was offered to me. I didn't think to check because I figured there wasn't a point as I don't get a choice anyway and my preference would most likely of been ignored. I definitely went into this post with a lot of emotions, and a lot of wires got crossed from myself and other members in the process.

I was waiting for my consultant appointment before putting things into motion. It's way ahead of my section date and if baby came that early, it would be an even bigger emergency. I didn't even know the 27th was a Friday until a member commented it, I didn't check as figured there was no point until I spoke to the consultant as I know I didn't have a choice.

Sil and bil can be horrible people, but my intention would never of been to hurt them. Somehow lines got crossed and I made myself seem a right cunt, but as I told them, I would never intentionally do that.

I continued because I wanted her to know I wasn't choosing anything. Her messages to me were fine, her posts about me on her Facebook, we're not. I can't comment them however because there's kids on our profiles and I risk revealing all of our identities.

My messages to my partners brother was because he unboxed me, he accused me of purposely having that due date and purposely choosing a C-section date, along side some horrible nasty nicknames and physically threatening me. I simply set it straight so he could comfort my SIL. I informed them again I don't have that choice, but what could come up because if I lied to them, the results would have been a lot worse (I know them personally so please don't try tell me otherwise). I laid everything out like he wanted me to because I wanted them to know the ins and outs and I informed him I'd let him know. One second, I'll get the screenshot.