A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

Autism can’t be tested for, and isn’t there a higher risk the older the father

That is true about autism.

im coming at this from a (nother) tricky day with my youngest who is 9 with asd. Having a baby was lovely but parenting is breaking me to be honest!

This does seem to be true but no one knows the reason why this is the case.

There's been plenty of suggestions that it's not due to medical reasons, but potentially socio-economic reasons.

For example, older fathers may have taken longer to find a partner, and may be autistic themselves. Also, older fathers may be wealthier, so a greater % in this socio-economic group may recognise and push for ASD assessment.

^^These aren't my reasons but theories put forward by the doctors/researchers involved in the studies.

So although there may be an increased risk of autism, it's not necessarily because of gene mutation.

Also worth pointing out that even the increased risk is still pretty low (estimated at 1-2% for older parents).

On a more personal note, I think it's pointless worrying about autism and neurodivergence. The % are tiny, and then there's an even tinier % of children who are seriously affected and need long-term care. The statistics really are tiny.

And I say this as an autistic/ADHD woman who has two autistic DC.

I certainly wouldn't terminate a baby that I'd longed for on the basis that there's a very small chance of a disability. Especially when in the vast majority of cases, individuals with that disability lead full and wonderful lives.

I'm crossposting with Spiders. There are indeed highr rates of autistic kids born to older fathers, but it hasn't been ruled out that there is a tendency for autistic men to marry and reproduce at a later age than neurotypicals

OP didn’t even ask about disabilities or autism but somehow it’s taken over her thread 😅

This is not your fault. The way he is behaving is appalling. I notice there is a big age gap between you. I'm not sure how to say this sensitively but I'd really consider your situation in the not too unlikely event he may die many years before you - how would you feel if you had given up the possibility of a child for him then?

I hope you are ok @Babybelle81 Thinking of you.

Op
What if u abort. Then 3 years down the line he leaves you.
Your left with nothing.
At least this way you will have your child.
I doubt he will leave you for having his child.

I was just thinking this, I am sure you are finding everything overwhelming at present. No need to make any big decisions yet, just spend this time processing and don’t feel pressured into doing anything drastic now. I would try and book in a private scan if I were you and then you can see how far along you are? Unless you think you know? Still reassuring to get a private scan done, I didn’t believe it until I saw it in the screen and I think you can go at 7/8 weeks (I can’t remember, but I went as soon as I could).

Thinking of you.

@Babybelle81 you've not been back to this thread are you okay? Xx

Hope you are doing OK and getting support OP

THIS.
You would be eligible for benefits, surely. Possibly housing, too.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

Hoping you're okay OP. You've got a lot of people here wishing the best for you at such a difficult time

😢 OP. This has happened. You want it, you can't ignore it. He shouldn't be trying to ignore it if he loves you.

Hope you are ok. This must be awful,

Another one here hoping you are OK x

I hope it’s good news but think we have to be realistic that the chances of a successful pregnancy at 43 are not good

Do you have any research to back this up? For women such as the Op who conceived naturally and have not TTC ?

At OP's age she is still more likely to have a baby than have a miscarriage.

You have a school job through which you are progressing really well you said? Surely the hours are perfect for being a single mum. And he will have to pull his weight whether he what’s to or not. Including financially. You can absolutely do this.

There is ALWAYS a way to sort things out. Always. It might be hard at times but you are clearly an intelligent woman - you’ve got a good career so you’ll have options. Your life might not look like it does now but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t do it

I would think that life not looking like it does now is a good thing.

Thank you for all your comments and support. I have a scan in two weeks privately.
We are still behaving like nothing has happened, and still no one knows. I’ve been feeling very nauseous.
Feeling lonely. X

I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely. Will he be coming with you to the scan?

You're probably in shock and it will take a bit of time to work through it.

I hope the scan goes well.

Even those of us with partners, do a lot of this stuff alone. My DP was often travelling, busy w work or just turning up late and missing the scan/meeting. You will see this at your appointments… there’s all kinds.

Maybe just re-frame it from lonely - to this is my (& baby) journey. And, at least you don’t need to be disappointed or upset when DP doesn’t turn up … if you never expect him.

Sorry to hear that he is still burying his head in the sand. He must have known that having such a younger partner could lead to a pregnancy so he is being totally unreasonable as I'm sure you have figured out by now. Anyway I hope the scan goes well and you can be at peace with whatever you decide. As someone who had children later in life after not thinking I would, I have to say it is the best thing that ever happened to me. Good luck x

Good luck Babybelle. <3 Let us know how your scan goes. I agree with the poster above. Try to reframe it. People in your life will know about it soon enough if you go ahead so you will be able to speak about it openly and will feel less alone. You can't hide a pregnancy for long This group is always here for you as well. Whatever you are going through there will always be someone who can relate or see it from a different point of view that you hadn't even thought of before. Take care.