A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

In your shoes I'd have the baby.

I would ask yourself if you have the baby and lose him how would you feel, if you terminate and for one reason or another the relationship breaks down anyway and you have lost your one chance in life (probably) to be a mum how would you feel. Which would be worse for you in your own opinion.

Gosh OP you sound like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. One thing life has taught me in my older years, is that it is much TOO short. Don’t live your life to please others at the expense of your own happiness. If I could go back in time and tell myself this sentiment, it would have saved many tears.

Look. It’s clear to me that this love of your life is a very immature and sulky man who wants 100% his own way.
He is prioritising his middle aged daughter over you and the baby.
I mean, wtf.
You say the baby won’t have much.
It will have a life, a loving mother, fun, happiness, potential.

And the situation is not your fault. You know that really.

Couldn't agree more. I'd rather live on the streets with my baby other than do what this man wants for our child. It's rarely if ever I say this here but he makes me sick

Talk to your employers. Find out what the maternity package is.
Also he can't ignore the baby. It's his child and he will have to financially contribute even if he doesn't want to see you or the baby.
It sounds like you want to keep the baby. There are ways you could make it work but you may be going it alone. Reach out abd ask for advice from your midwives and your workplace who will be able to advise you of any help you are entitled to abd any other groups who could advise you.
I fell pregnant after a contraception failure when I was 28. I had nothing. I was on a zero hours contract, I lived in a rented bedsit, I had no family in the country. It was hard but I made it work and I don't regret it. My son is just about to turn ten now. I'm married, own my own home and have a decent job I love, I've since had two more children
You can do it.
If you really want this baby you can do it alone. Men come and go... and this guy sounds like an absolute bustard the way he's behaving towards you now.. complete lack of empathy. So do not terminate your pregnancy to please him or heal the relationship. Dont terminate because you think you wont be able to manage alone.. you will! Only terminate if you genuinely don't want the baby. Because you are the one who has to live with this decision.
Whatever you choose I wish you the best

It is still very early days and you will both be going through the normal human grief curve of a shock, and that can take very different amounts of time depending of the person and situation.
I had an unplanned pregnancy at 44, and it was a massive shock for both of us. We were both worried about all sorts of things. For me in particular it was the health and risks, for him I think the loss of freedom and just the enormity of it. DH was really quite stressed for a while and physically ill. I talked to BPAS and Mary Stopes midwives for counselling, and BPAS offered me a dating scan. Both of us had wanted children in the past, but had come to terms it wouldn't happen and were very happy in our childfree lives. My partner was supportive in whatever I chose, and gradually we both saw a way forward. We did have our baby and do not regret it at all.

Wishing you all the very best whatever you choose.

Horrible situation I'm very pro choice and I also think his feelings of not wanting more children are very valid, however, he helped create this baby and his stonewalling of you is hugely immature and points to him not loving you as much as you love him.

If nature takes its course and you miscarried naturally the grief would be yours alone and enough for you to resent him.

This is probably your final chance to be a mother.

If you terminate you'll be left with feelings, you'll probably resent him for this.

None of us can decide for you, I can only say you may regret the termination forever, you won't regret your child.

I wish you nothing but love, strength and peace.

Please don't succumb to this mans wishes. He has no consideration for your feelings OP. If he did he would never dream of asking you to terminate your pregnancy. You are obviously infatuated with this man. The vast majority of posters here think differently. You think you would have nothing without him. Firstly he would legally have to contribute financially to his child. Secondly bad as social services appear at times you would never be stuck when a baby is involved.

unfortunately whether you have the baby or not the relationship is over and I am sorry to be so blunt. I left because my ex did not want a baby but told me years later when we were about to start trying. I was like you alone here had no relatives but I left. the resentment will grow within both of you and his reaction today and the fact that you have all the symptoms and he shows no care is very telling. At 43 it is a beautiful miracle and gift from life and this unborn child is already part of you whilst your DP has already detached himself. Nurture the life within you that you can multiply and love. You will recieve abundance of love in return.
Your partner doesnt love you.
He sees you as an attractive addition to his life.

Sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I do believe that on some level you were hoping to get pregnant and that your partner would come around to the idea. Now there is a real baby growing and your partner isn’t on board. A bit odd that you hadn’t foreseen this but we are where we are. Agree with others - you won’t regret the baby. And all of this is as much your partner’s responsibility. Best of luck

I have no advice to offer which hasn't already been given by PP. However I can give you my support and tell you that you are not totally alone because we are here and thinking of you, even though that is not the same as IRL friends

I'm inclined to agree. I'm in a fairly similar relationship situation, neither me nor my partner has ever had any kids, and if I got pregnant I'd have an abortion without a second thought.

I assume she thought if she presented it as an accident, it would be an ultimatum, since he was extremely clear he didn't want children all along from the sounds of it.

If you decide not to continue with the pregnancy, ie fall in with yr partners wishes, what will happen when/if regret or resentment rears its ugly head, and I suggest it will. I wonder how you can love someone who isn’t willing to face this with you.

And if this relationship ends, as they can do, and you’ve ended the pregnancy in order to keep the peace with him?

I see you are giving yr partner noticeably more consideration than he is giving you.

Not meaning to single you out, but I do worry a little about how eager most on this thread are to paint single parenting as overly rosey. Are your full time working with an infant friends all single and with no support system?

Yes op could build a support system, and who knows, maybe her partner will come around and be supportive, (whether as a couple or apart) it's still early days. I guess my question is, if she got sick with a bad flu or something, is their anyone in her life who would help with the baby? Maybe he would step up, but if not, would she be truely alone? Maybe she'll be healthy and everything will be great, but op knows the big picture better than we do.

He's manipulating you with the silent treatment, 'punishing' you unless you have an abortion. If you do, he might go back to speaking to you, or he might continue with the coldness because it happened at all.

Only you can decide if you want to continue with the pregnancy but, either way, your eyes have been opened to who he is and how he isn't a partner when you need one. I'm sorry you're in this position.

How can he be the love of your life if he won’t talk to you about something this important? This doesn’t sound like a good relationship, sorry. If you leave him and have the baby, you wouldn’t have nobody, you’d have your child.

This with bells on, @Babybelle81

I’ve not read the full thread, but what do you want?
A person can do almost anything for the love of a child.
Don’t make sacrifices for someone who seems to be punishing you for something that he’s equally responsible for.
Think real hard.

Hi OP, it's your one and only chance at your age and if you choose to terminate it could always haunt you , we had a child at a similar age to yourself , it's physically tough at an older age but being older and wiser the child fitted into our life with a few adjustments rather dominating it as it can with younger parents. We raised a level headed and really cool child of whom we are so proud . Go for it and good luck

Have the baby!

I love my husband beyond belief, but nothing comes close to the joy of being a mum. My daughter is my absolute world and so much more.

if I had to choose between them, there would be no choice. My daughter without a second thought.

Finances and support will sort themselves out - the love you will feel from your child will be more than anything physical could be.

He is the one that has already ruined your relationship. You will never forgive him, nor should you, if he makes you choose between him and your child. You've already sacrificed so much for him and it turns out you're just an accessory to him. What a slap in the face.

Do start taking folic acid asap.

And take care of yourself.
You will make plenty of friends if you have the baby. There are lots of groups where you will all have a lot in common.

I’m sorry that he’s bullying you with the silent treatment, but he’s shown his true colours.
How dare he blame you and treat you like this, just as you’re vulnerable and needing tlc.

Hi OP. Looking at just your comments from both threads on how you feel about being pregnant, bearing in mind you must feel very confused at the moment, not to mention hormonal:

You say you would want a baby, and that you always have. Well congratulations! you now have that chance.

You say your DP made it clear he didn't want any more children. Well then perhaps DP should have considered using some form of contraception?

You seem to think he is the love of your life. I'm sorry, but his behaviour towards you when you are even considering doing something you want rather than what he wants says otherwise. He has had a family, so he's okay, but doesn't care if he takes your chance for one away. If you ever split up (now or later) he has both children and grandchildren already. This decision should be your choice, not his, and he should at least be showing some understanding of how this may make you feel, and discussing things with you.

From your earlier thread he seems far too concerned about keeping his previous children (daughter?) happy, than supporting you when you need it. The absolute childishness of expecting you to deal with everything - from contraception to the eventual outcome - whilst he buries his head in the sand waiting for the issue to go away is really showing you his true colours.

Please consider if you want to be with a man who will pressure you to do something you don't want to. I suspect if you do what he wants he will immediately turn the charm back on, and become the 'love of your life' again. That's because his problem has gone away. But what about you? Can you honestly say you won't resent him for this in the future? Will you feel the same way in 20 years when he's 80 and you're still in a relationship, but one that's only worked as it's all been on his terms. Possibly caring for him, at a time when you - maybe on your own, but maybe not - could be planning your child's 21st? Could you still feel love for this man or would you now feel only resentment? From what you've said about his daughter, it doesn't sound like she will step up.

It's your choice. But yours, not his. And he sounds like someone who would always do what's best for him. Take a leaf from his book and do what's best for you. Good luck x

To be fair he started a relationship with his middle aged daughter's best friend.

I don't blame the daughter for being unimpressed with them both.

Finances and support don't always work themselves out.

Op should do what she feels in her heart and she sounds financially stable, but as someone put into care as a child along with my siblings, support and finances don't always work themselves out. It's incredibly naive to think otherwise.