A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

I realise that you're in a state of shock and are panicking but it's really not true you have nothing. There are very few of us who don't have to work full time. Most of us do. I had to go back to full time work when my baby was 13 weeks. I didnt want to but was only on SSP and needed to keep a roof above our heads.You are a teacher so have a good, stable job with maternity leave and the added bonus of having school holidays off with your child. Your DP will have to pay maintenance. There are literally billions of babies that have been born in this world to parents with far less that have had happy, fulfilled lives. If you want this baby you can do it and there are people and organisations out there that can help in lots of ways. How supportive are your family? Can you plan to move back nearer to them once the baby is born?

Lovely story
OP, is there a possibility your partner will come around?
In fairness to him, he is obviously in a state of shock

This
Single parenthood can be extremely lonely, scary, isolating and financially fraught, irrespective of how much u love your baby. I talk from experience.
And it makes a huge difference if you have family support .
It is not unusual for older, divorced men who have children not to want to have any more

Important to remember that some people do regret having children

No one disagrees with this - but would these issues be something OP will be thinking of years later when she realises she let go of her only chance of being a mum because of the circumstances and her crappy partner?

All of this is something to think about when you are considering a baby, but she is already pregnant. Its a different story entirely.

As for her DP - if he did not want children he should have used condoms. Or had a snip. OP is only 43, its very stupid of him to think she could not have fallen pregnant - regardless of what she said.

Op

we’re you his daughters best friend?!

this has been said by a pp

if so I can understand why she is slightly touchy about you!

What is better - regretting having a child, or regretting not having it?

I know people say "I regret having children" but I bet you they would not be happy if someone suggests taking them off them.

It takes two to conceive - this is not on you it’s a joint issue.

Where was this mentioned by OP?

Previous thread.

Yes, she met her partner through his daughter...her best friend at the time.

She said it on the first thread. She and the daughter were best friends, the friend introduced her to the dad. They are no longer friends, to put it mildly.

She said it on the first thread. She and the daughter were best friends, the friend introduced her to the dad. They are no longer friends, to put it mildly.

Although strangely Op also thought that she would be a good support!

I think OP's only purpose in her partner's eyes was to provide easy sex for her partner and then to be a nurse for him in his old age. He picked her because she worked in a service role (so probably kind and deferred her own needs), had no family (no relative to deal with or watch out for her), and she was a lot younger. She carried no baggage and didn't ask for anything, and he got a lot back.

Now she is pregnant and upset his plans. No one said single motherhood is easy, but damn, is she just supposed to terminate, live with that and a breakup as well? And, then go to work and come home to an empty house the rest of her days? Those of you who never have known what it is like to come from a family with very little love or support don't appreciate that it takes a long time to learn not to accept just crumbs from people and to cultivate self worth. People raised in stable households automatically have boundaries, regard themselves, etc, and people who don't often have to learn those things. If you don't have any family who has your back, the world is a pretty harsh place. I really think whatever OP decides she needs to do it for herself, what she wants, take her own feelings into consideration, because I suspect no one has ever done that for her too much.

Yes, I know, I did think that was odd, when the relationships had been so strained and they were hardly on speaking terms.

Wide words @Alicecatto

You say he is the love of your life, I think this may need a slight rethink. He is not putting your feelings or wants above his own at the moment.
This is a life changing moment - for the better I may add! All that will come from doing what he wants to do is emptiness and loss. I know he already stated he did not want children, but you know, things happen in life that changes things.
I want you to be strong and have a 'f you' attitude, a new life is wonderful news and will bring you nothing but joy, I promise you! It will all work itself out 😀

What @Babybelle81 needs to think about is that she says ‘she has nothing’ so I assume she lives in his house and is paying her way but ultimately isn’t married . When this man dies he will inevitably leave everything to his daughter who he is close to and she really will have nothing .

@Alicecatto

Spot on wise insightful post

agree with this completely.

Beautifully put!

As everyone has pointed out win, lose, or draw the so called romantic relationship with OP’s father substitute I mean boy friend is over. Now if she wants to build a family she needs to leave and find someone who actually loves her or have this baby and start her own little family.

Not strictly true. Whilst there might be an increased risk as an older mother to give birth to a baby who has special needs.
A lot of the time it is the under 35s who are at risk but don’t know it

What do you mean exactly? It is strictly true. There are charts showing the increase in probability of chromosomal disorders with maternal age. I studied them obsessively while considering having another at 40.

I have many single parent friends from different groups/areas etc. A lot have never met

They all say pretty much the same thing

It is hard work, being a single parent as they have no one to make decisions with

Being a single parent is the easiest and best thing in the world because they don’t have anyone to think about when they make decisions

The hardest thing is being a single parent or just a single person whilst being married or living as a couple with someone where tgey lived life having to do things they didn’t want to do, put up with stuff they didn’t want to put up with. Live their life constantly in fear thinking of what the other persons reaction was going to be and not doing what they wanted

Whilst leaving was hard. The relief was euphoric when they realised they could do whatever they wanted and there wouldn’t be an argument, or the silent treatment, or any sort of reprisal/thousand questions designed to trip them up later on.

Yes there are issues which come with age but with that comes testing.

The group who have the most babies diagnosed with for instance Downs Syndrome is the under 35’s (80%)

Don’t forget that it is still a very very tiny amount of children who can have these issues, even with a mother over 40.