A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

I predict it sadly won't last anyway, much to do with his current behaviour as anything else.

Yes, he's struggling (not helped by his daughter being very unhealthily opinionated), but he owes it to you to remain open towards you, rather than send you to coventry when you're carrying his child. Whether planned or not, it's still half him as much as half you and it took both of you equally by surprise.

Op, if you terminate you will do so under duress. If that happens you'll split up anyway. If you have the baby, he's likely to come round - how can he not? There's no point in giving you cold shoulder pie anymore because the decision is too late: baby is out! But I'm not sure how you'll look at him after this. You might be able to repair. But I hope he's not like this (either governed by his daughter or trying to manipulate you with emotional and psychological punishment).

Right now you need support, not this. I'm really sorry you're going through this. There are a lot of strong voices coming at you but stand strong in your own choice. Don't waiver, because when all is said and done, they aren't going to carry the can like you will.

Could you still love a man who made you terminate your baby? I don't think I could.

Sounds like you're already looking after a baby by his reaction. Unbelievable.

Decide if YOU want the baby, if you're his 'world' too, he'll stop being emotionally manipulative and get on board, but I'd be seriously pissed off with his reaction.

If he didn't want any more children to the point it's a deal breaker then he should have taken action to make sure an unplanned pregnancy didn't happen, but no, he's made this YOUR fault.

If he is happy to walk away over this then that's on him.

@rainuntilseptember, I love how you've worded this. Today my mother told my daughter and my granddaughter that I was her first true love, the first miracle God sent her. She's 86, and my father walked out on her 3 weeks before I was born. He was resentful that some of her time and attention was taken by her pregnancy and left after an argument. He came back a few weeks later; she let him see me and then showed him the door. She said it was the best decision of her life. When I had my girls I understood exactly what she meant by "true love".

@Babybelle81
You are my oldest daughter's age, so forgive me for the straight talk, but I'll say it like you were mine. This man, no matter how much you love him, doesn't love you enough to want you to have this child- a child he made with you. He's selfish, controlling, and punishing. If he succeeds in pressuring you to end your pregnancy, I believe you'll lose respect and love for him, maybe even end up hating him, and possibly yourself.

I don't usually post my opinion on terminations when someone is trying to make a decision, but it was clear even in your first thread how much you want to keep your baby. Please don't let this self-centered man bully you into doing something you'll very likely regret. You can do this on your own. Don't let him convince you that you can't.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well. ❤

Read this , and read it again . Very wise words.

**
You are my oldest daughter's age, so forgive me for the straight talk, but I'll say it like you were mine. This man, no matter how much you love him, doesn't love you enough to want you to have this child- a child he made with you. He's selfish, controlling, and punishing. If he succeeds in pressuring you to end your pregnancy, I believe you'll lose respect and love for him, maybe even end up hating him, and possibly yourself.
I don't usually post my opinion on terminations when someone is trying to make a decision, but it was clear even in your first thread how much you want to keep your baby. Please don't let this self-centered man bully you into doing something you'll very likely regret. You can do this on your own. Don't let him convince you that you can't.
Whatever you decide, I wish you well. ❤

Sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I do believe that on some level you were hoping to get pregnant and that your partner would come around to the idea.

I agree with this.

On this point I almost feel sorry for the bloke for believing her if she told him she couldn't have kids.

The bloke who dated his DDs best friend and was happy to shag a much younger woman, not even use a condom, and deprive her of children? I don't.
He should have found someone his own age.

I did say almost!

If she truly didn't think she could have kids then he was hardly depriving her was he?

She could also have found someone of her own age or who at the very least wasn't her friend's dad!

A mismatched couple, I agree.
She did say she wanted kids on the other thread. Just thought she couldnt and therefore went along.
More fool him. By 60 you should know you risk pregnancy when you have sex.

I'm your partner's age. I've mentioned that if I'd had a baby at your age they'd be looking at independent adulthood right now, and that's fine. But the prospect of a baby now? At 60? Obviously I'd have to adopt but the thought of being nearly 80 before they are independent would be scary. He's in his grandfather era. Would he be able to retire?

My father was 18 years older than mum. She was 24 when I was born, he was 42. Having been through WW2 he seemed so much older than the other kids' fathers, more like their grandfathers. But he was lovely and we lost him at 67.

He is probably wrestling with his own thoughts about what he wants and wants to do - but the point is the way he is treating you.

The 'love of your life' is treating you horribly. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. And an early warning of what to expect for your life with him with the demands of a pregnancy.

Your baby would have your love which is more important than anything. It sounds like you think your relationship is over either way so you need to imagine what your life would be either on your own or with a child. What do you want? If it’s with a child, you will honestly find a way to make it work.

Please don’t blame yourself, it takes 2 to make a baby, your partner is equally responsible. Him giving you the silent treatment is really unfair.

I really feel for you OP, I hope it works out for you and you find a happy ending one way or another.

There are so many posts and I really think this one is important.

A positive home pregnancy test does not necessarily equal a baby at the end of nine months. It can, but before you embark on a momentous decison-making process, please find out whether this pregnancy is viable. There is no need to potentially blow up your life if it isn't. Plus, miscarriage is always a possibility, and at 43 your chance of miscarriage is 1/3. Get a private scan if you need to, but find out whether this is a viable pregnancy first.

Well that's the thing isn't it-Op didn't mind if she got pregnant.

He did so it was up to him to make as sure as he could that it wouldn't happen.

I would have thought 43 was pretty young to be peri/menopausal so wouldn't have been relying on that!

As I said on the previous thread, I think the OP kind of wanted a pregnancy, and assumed he would come around. No-one who still has periods doesn’t know they can still get pregnant. That has backfired now.

To be fair to the DH, It’s not selfish not to want to bring a child into the world at 60, when there’s a fair to middling chance you won’t see that child into adult hood…however the should have taken steps to make sure that didn’t happen.

I think that's a bit unfair.
At the age of 43, and never having conceived before, it would be fair if the OP truly thought she couldn't possibly conceive.

Have you always wanted a baby?

Your husband's attitude is slightly worrisome considering it takes two to make a baby. Him ignoring you is very nasty... Make from that what you will, but in my opinion you could end up resenting him.

If this is something you've always wanted, have the baby. I'm of the mind that if your husband truly loves you, he will stay with you regardless. If he doesn't, I'm not sure he was as great as you previously thought anyway.

There is lots and lots of support for single mothers out there. You would meet other mums, support one another, go to classes and clubs, and your life will permanently change. If this is something you know you want deep down, your life will likely change completely and for the better, filling a hole you didn't know you had.

I wish you all the best, it's a difficult decision either way ❤️

It’s an odd scenario in the first place. Getting together with your friends father then claiming he is the only thing you have in your life? Very strange set up.

To respond to people on here saying single parenthood is not easy and the OP should not be told its all rosy gardens and unicorns at sunset - well, it isn't. Single parenthood is bloody hard, money is tight, you feel tired, sometimes guilty and sometimes you fell very alone. But, you know what you are doing it for, you have your child with you and for me, at least, it outweighs all the negatives.

OP is already pregnant. She has to make a choice, so its either:

• being a parent (hard work, no money, probably single but looking after her own flesh and blood, raising a human being) or
• termination and stay with her elderly DP (being a nurse, having no rights, alone at old age and probably no money) or
• termination and her DP leaves her (most likely scenario) - so alone, no child, no partner, no money.

Life dealt her a bad hand, but I know which one I would choose.

I'm guessing the same as me. I'd pack my bags and start building a life for me and my child. She's already got a good starting point, she works full time. A lot of single mothers are out of work so point 1 to OP. Yes you might need a bit of government assistance or you may not, but you'll be fine! And I'm willing to bet a whole lot happier than you ever were with that dish sponge you call your other half. Sorry that's a bit harsh, but he sounds look a right tool.

I would 100% move on too. Just do what you want to do, YOU make the decisions, as he is not acting rationally.

Just to add also, that my dad was an older father, did not want a baby, ignored my mother throughout her entire pregnancy, awful stuff, but anyway you cannot imagine a more amazing dad now. He is absolutely the most devoted and kindest man you would ever meet. He is still doing things for us now even though he is 90 and a grandad.

He was 10/10 dad.
I am not sure my mother has ever forgiven him fully for it even thought it was 50 years ago but I think he was terrified of being a father.

Thank Goodness my mother had the sense to plough on anyway, otherwise my sister would not be here and neither would I and dad would have never gotten the chance to really shine as dad. I know your situation is completely different but I’m just saying, make your own decisions and be happy with them because some people are just late to the party.

I read your previous post and am really sad to see your update.

Whatever happens, your relationship with this man is over. He is being cruel at best. As previous poster has said you will grow to hate him.

It may seem like it's hard to go it alone but I'd be much harder to stay with a man who's forced you to have a termination.

I'm a single mum and have worked full time since DD was a tiny baby. Yes it was hard, but it's so so worth it. I too was in my 40s when I got pregnant. Unplanned. Total shock. But it was a choice of now or never and I chose now.

Your DP will have to pay maintenance. You can do this alone. It's just the fear of the unknown. This baby is the baby you never thought you'd have. I'd take the gift you've been given and dump the man.

Frankly you should simply ignore him and continue with the pregnancy because firstly that is what you want and secondly whatever happens you are going to finish up hating him, with very good reason.

I hate to throw this into the mix but if you terminate you will harbour so much resentment and at some point you will finish up with a dependent old man to look after - someone who took away your chance of motherhood - someone who does not care. My late OH started with Parkinsons at roughly your OH's current age and I spent many years looking after him - I did it because I loved him and had shared my life with him, but it was hell - no way would I want to be doing this to a selfish unfeeling person like your OH.

Tell him straight - I do not want to terminate. Let him do what he will. You now know who he really is. My guess is he will stay - he knows which side his bread is buttered.