Boyfriend doesn't want to have baby

[FirstTimeMummyxxx]

Hi, I am 23 and already have an 11 month old. My partner knew i wasn't on the pill and we have been having sex unprotected - lo and behold i done a test today and it was positive. He doesn't want to keep the baby, won't even sit down and talk about it just straight away said "do another test then we will google on what's the next steps to get rid" but i don't want to get rid. I have always wanted kids young and i am kind of against abortion... (please don't hate me for that). We have a house together but not sure what to do, leave him and keep the baby and get my own place and be a single mom or get rid like he wants?

How are you comparing this to a rapist? Are you okay?

How did you manage to start work at 16, when the school leaving age has been 18 for several years ?

do you mean you had an apprenticeship ? or you joined the forces ?
as they were the only ways my dd could have started work at 16 - and she is older than you.

what is the issue with the age gap ? by the time baby arrives your dd will be 20 months old. thousands of mums have a 12 month gap and some have even less.

many many mums plan a 2 year gap between children, you will only be 4 months different.
so surely you would have been planning your next child anyway ?

I don't see a problem, the only problem you have is your boyfriend.

No, you can have jobs at 16? What????

Did your bf actually state what HE thought would happen playing Catholic roulette? If he feels trapped it's because he walked eyes wide open onto an open bear trap.

When he raises the subject of the abortion, raise the subject of his vasectomy. Make an appointment for him and go with him. If he doesn't want children, he can stop them in one snip. Don't let him change the subject.

You will then have all the information you need to decide what to do about him.

And ...

Since you are lucky enough to be able to afford another baby, you can afford to sling his arse out. He's the infant you need to get rid of.

Right!

Seems like all those posters will let their sons off scot free for making babies and blame it on the women if that ever happens.

He put himself in voluntarily and unprotected. And he wasn't vocal about not wanting another. It's on him.

Wow, the number of jealous and judgmental people here is unbelievable. Trying to cast blame on one or both parents instead of showing love and offering wisdom. Just why? There's also a whiff of class prejudice. If your child has had a gap year and student debt then no, they won't be in the same financial position as someone who at 23 has been working for seven years.

I had an office job at 16, then worked my way up and i'm now a manger. I can't quite answer you..because that's the honest truth.

@FirstTimeMummyxxx I'm comparing your attitude of 'well it's not my fault, he never said he didn't want a baby'. YOU shouldn't have been having unprotected sex with anyone who didn't ENTHUSIASTICALLY want a baby, no matter whether you did or didn't want one yourself.

He sounds a bit stupid really. Stupid and unpleasant.

I would treat the two questions separately. Do you want to be a mum to one or two children?

And then do you want to spend your life with a stupid, unpleasant man?

Lots of us worked from 16 op. It's not unusual! You say you weren't deliberately trying to get pregnant but you're (and presumably your boyfriend) obviously aware that unprotected sex will result in a pregnancy at some point so it's unclear as to why either of you is surprised tbh. It sounds like neither of you had a conversation about possible outcomes and so now here you are.

If you san afford to go it alone, then do so. As pp said your relationship is dead anyway but it's a very sad state of affairs when this situation could've been avoided. Best of luck, and I hope he's not a dick about child maintenance.

Wow people on here are being Twats!!!

OP, I think you’d never forgive yourself if you had a termination. I’d be getting rid of him if he’s going to behave like a child.

I have not once said it's not my fault? It takes two people to make kids, i just think he should take abit of responsibility too and not make me feel so shitty about the situation...

i have not purposely had sex with him to get pregnant on PURPOSE.
Of course you did. You knew all along how babies were made. You wanted another baby. I suspect you wanted him to want your second baby, too, but for some reason, he doesn't.

You seem to be in a pretty good position. You can accommodate yourself and both babies. You work. It might be hard being the working mum of two tinies for a while, but they'll grow.

So you don't need him. Send him on his way. Don't let him influence you into doing something you'll regret. Men are ten-a-penny, always there, always hanging around dicks at the ready. Children are for life. Focus on yourself and the babies and have a good life.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon

How did you manage to start work at 16, when the school leaving age has been 18 for several years ?

Shit I best tell my 14 year old she has another 3 years left!!

Where do you live?
Of course you can work at 16!

Even 14 Year olds can work.

There are restrictions regarding timing and number of hours for certain ages.

Sorry you're going through this. Yes it appears you will be a single mum. You can do it. Stay positive. All the best.

She wants the baby though? And as he already has a child with her, if he hasn't got condoms as she asked him to she probably thought ok what will be will be. She certainly didn't expect him to do an about face like this and demand an abortion without discussion.

Yes, she should have been explicitly clear and forced him to engage both of his brain cells. 'You do realise that I might get pregnant because you haven't bothered getting condoms yet? What happens then?' But she's only 23. Luckily I've managed to avoid a pregnancy at the age of 36 because I knew I didn't want a child, or an abortion. But I certainly remember that I was not anywhere near as assertive or direct 13 years ago as I am now. I wouldn't have had the balls to have that potentially uncomfortable conversation.

I think you especially have to factor in the way he's presented the termination as a fait accompli, it's happening because he says so. I'm willing to bet he behaves like this a lot, which probably influenced her inability to say 'no condoms, no sex' or have a direct and frank discussion about what happens if she gets pregnant. If he thinks he can easily bully her into a big decision like this, I'm sure he considers himself in the driving seat day to day too. What he says, goes.

Do people want OP's CV and a nanny cam on her house/flat before they decide whether to be supportive and practical on a forum for mothers?

OP, if you are in one of the communities like South Asian, Black, Muslim, or Jewish Mumsnetters, who have their own boards, maybe you'd get a kinder and more relevant set of people answering. It seems like the people on this thread aren't used to early committed partnerships etc.

I know a man who only picks up his older child and has nothing to do with the younger one. Married couple in their 30's got pregnant with their second. Husband said fuck that and left. Custody with the older one is shared and he has no relationship with the younger one. He pays the court mandated child support and that's it.

If this man is blackmailing you into having an abortion that you don't want, he's the sort of controlling person who you will eventually break up with anyway. He's not a life partner.

And if you do have the abortion for him, you will resent him so much that you'll probably break up much sooner.

If you want this child, do have it. Love it and cherish it. And if he can't, let him sod off.

BTW Congratulations on your career, and best wishes for continuing up the ladder!

Something similar happened to a friend of mine years ago. She and her husband had 2 children and he was adamant he didn't want a third. He wouldn't take responsibility for contraception though (she was very young and he was 10 years older than her). Of course, she got pregnant. He basically said 'i told you I didn't want anymore children so if you keep the baby I'm off'
She kept the baby and he left while she was pregnant. He then went on to get remarried and have 2 more kids!
Fortunately, my friend found a lovely new partner and is very happily remarried.

Why a earth didn't either of you use contraception if you didn't want another baby? You're both incredibly irresponsible.

Her boyfriend is the father of her 11 month old child and the new baby.

The way you lecture and berate the OP makes it much less likely that she will take your advice, particularly as you can't even be bothered to read all her posts. If you had, you wouldn't have made the crass and untrue comment about her managing to find a different father to have another baby with.

I don’t think people would be bitter so much as chomping at the bit to know what the job is. So they can advise their own kids accordingly and/or look at a career change.

A lot of people much older than you are struggling financially even with two full-time worker bees in the house and a more lengthy employment history than you so stands to reason they’d want to know about possible alternative well-paid careers.

The OP can tell people off if she wants as long as she doesn't break Mumsnet rules on posting. Posters are being incredibly rude and judgemental to the OP so it's only human nature that she would retaliate.