Boyfriend doesn't want to have baby

[FirstTimeMummyxxx]

Hi, I am 23 and already have an 11 month old. My partner knew i wasn't on the pill and we have been having sex unprotected - lo and behold i done a test today and it was positive. He doesn't want to keep the baby, won't even sit down and talk about it just straight away said "do another test then we will google on what's the next steps to get rid" but i don't want to get rid. I have always wanted kids young and i am kind of against abortion... (please don't hate me for that). We have a house together but not sure what to do, leave him and keep the baby and get my own place and be a single mom or get rid like he wants?

Apart from the not working and then having to pay childcare part on top of rent/mortgage, food and bills of course!

Some very strange opinions on here.

Off topic really but my daughter left school at 17, halfway through her A-levels, as she hated it. Tried college, hated it. Upped her hours at her 'Saturday' job. I told her she needed a proper job asap, if this was the route she was sticking with. Within a month she had found a full-time job in insurance. She worked her backside off and now, at 24, she earns more than me and plans to keep going.

It's not impossible. Hope that helps the pp who needed some tips for her daughter

Actually, it's based on much more than myself and my friend. And I suspect that you would have been on a lesser salary had you had babies before your career. There are, however, a few things that concern me about the OPs post. Firstly she is relatively young. Secondly she is having two babies close together which brings with it enormous financial and energy demands and thirdly, her and her boyfriend appear not to have discussed contraception or whether they wanted another baby. If neither of you are using contraception, then essentially it should be assumed that you both want and are willing to have and raise a baby. Given that there appears to be an obvious lack of responsibility and communication here by both parents, it's not unreasonable to also question whether the same lack of decision making extends to their financial situation. So the question should be, whether the OP and her partner can afford another baby as that may well inform their decision making.

The OP may well be very financially secure with a well paid job, a good house, security or a good inheritance. I certainly do not require proof of that. And I do think that she should keep her baby and that her boyfriend should feck off. However, there are a good deal of parents who don't plan and do have children with the expectation that others will pick up the tab, the result being that others have to wait a little longer to start their own families. And I think that people are also entitled to feel aggrieved by that, which some people on here have expressed.

Agree with this.

I am 35 next month and earn a very decent wage as a teacher. My niece - who is 20 - without any HE qualifications earns nearly the same as I do a month working for Lloyds bank. It’s soul destroying for me 😂 but I’m super chuffed for her.

also hate posts on threads about accidental pregnancies where people just say “you are so irresponsible” “you are both dumb” words to that effect and THAT IS IT. That is their post. 🙈🙈

I understand the official rule from the government is that you are supposed to be in some kind of education until 18, which includes apprenticeships or doing part time work/alongside part time vocational course etc but that at 16 you're not officially allowed to go and eg work full time in Tesco as an ordinary worker. It doesn't seem like this is monitored though.

Are you saying people should be aggrieved by how their taxes are spent? Because SCROUNGERS? Begrudger!

An experienced office manager can make high 30s depending on location.
https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/job-profiles/office-manager

I’ve known some engineers do apprenticeships and work their way up…accountancy as well. And sans university they don’t have student loans.

The point is if she thinks she can afford to have two children in her 20s, good for her. All this tutting about responsible contraception is also hilarious…there are so many kids out there who weren’t planned.

“Currently, 45% of pregnancies and one third of births in England are unplanned or associated with feelings of ambivalence.”
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/health-matters-reproductive-health-and-pregnancy-planning/health-matters-reproductive-health-and-pregnancy-planning

Mainly though it is her body, her choice. Boyfriend needs to man up…he surely needs to provide financial support.

I’m not sure it is correct to automatically equate younger motherhood with being on benefit and then feel aggrieved. Some folks do well enough in their 20s to afford to have families. Others have to wait a while. Either is Ok. Some never have kids and don’t want to do so, and that’s OK as well.

24 IMHO is not that young. DH bought his first house at 24…a number of his friends married right out of secondary school at 18…most of them are still married.

Also, something to think about. Unplanned pregnancy is also an issue for women who are over the age of 35, and right through to menopause. This group are the least likely to be using adequate contraception, despite being sexually active and not wanting to conceive.

OP please come back and tell us you've got rid of this selfish git and made your own decisions about your pregnancy.

I'm in my late 30s and I know plenty of university graduates with reasonably well paid jobs (higher rate taxpayers) who have been working for 15+ years, who still wouldn't be able to afford their mortgage/rent plus bills plus two lots of nursery fees on their salary alone. So it's not unreasonable to be sceptical about a 23 year old's ability to do this. You actually have to be a pretty high earner to be able to cover all of that stuff by yourself.

24 IMHO is not that young. DH bought his first house at 24

So did I, but in the 90s, when house prices didn’t cost many many times more than wages!

My partner is still thinking about whether he wants to keep the baby or not. He's letting me know by end of play today if he wants to be involved shall i say.

Also, for the ones going on about our jobs, my partner is also a plant engineer and he earns 30k+ so our age really doesn't have anything to do with this so stop being "worried" because i'm "so young and irresponsible" i have my life planned out and i am happy where i am!

Thank you to the lovely ladies who are actually supporting me and giving me advice

@FirstTimeMummyxxx Unfortunately his salary isn't all that relevant to you if he decides he doesn't want to be involved. Have you looked up how much he'd owe you in child maintenance if you split up? It'll be a lot less than you get having his whole salary count towards your household income.

Yes, exactly. And as @MissScarletInTheBallroom says, the fact that her boyfriend is on a decent salary isn’t going to be particularly helpful if he’s paying the minimum CMS. And the arbitrary conception is incredibly irresponsible — it wasn’t an ‘accident’ because no contraception was used.

I think half of you are just jealous...you're probably double or more my age and don't have a good job and your life together like i do, that's not my problem and shouldn't criticise me for it to be honest

I earn more than twice as much as your boyfriend and if I had to pay the mortgage and bills plus two lots of nursery fees on my salary alone it would be very tight.

Twice as much as my partner? So you earn 60k a year and you're tight after all the bills??? Then you obviously have your own financial issues...because how can someone who earns 60k struggle...

I didn't say I'm struggling. I said if I had to pay the mortgage and bills plus two lots of nursery fees on my own there wouldn't be much left at the end of the month.

You seem to think your boyfriend's 30K salary is good, which suggests that you are earning less than that. To me, 30K is a starting salary. Absolutely fine if you're young and have no dependents, particularly outside London, but a pretty low salary if you have children to support.

If you earn less than 30K yourself then I don't think you can afford to support a family with two children on your own.

She said she would be tight after a mortgage (or rent I guess) and two sets of nursery fees.

The average monthly fee for one child in nursery full time is around £1.2k. That's just for one child. Even with a generous sibling discount of 20% (I've never heard of more than this) two children is upwards of £2k a month in fees.

Plus a mortgage / rent of say £1k.

£60k salary = £3.7k take home monthly

Nursery fees £2k
Mortgage / rent £1k (pretty average)

Leaves £700 for all bills, food and anything else.

That's tight.

My nursery fee is £594 a month... and my mortgage is no where near £1,000..

Different areas have different costs for things.

On a £30k salary (which you seem to think is a decent wage), two lots of nursery fees at £594/month each would be more than half your net take home pay, regardless of how much your mortgage is.

For a starter i said 30k+ because i do not need to tell YOU what me and my partner earn exactly to the point.

If i've worked it out and I'll be fine what is your guys issues haha!

Look, people are just trying to get you to take a more realistic view of things. Raising one child is expensive. You're currently raising one child on two incomes. Raising two children is almost twice as expensive as raising one child (particularly during the nursery years) and you're potentially looking at doing that on one income (plus whatever measly child support you can get) if your partner says he doesn't want to be involved.

This is why responsible adults use contraception unless they and their partner have had a conversation about trying for a child, have both agreed that they actively want to, and have done their budget and worked out whether they can afford to. You haven't done any of those things, which is why people are doubting your ability to properly care for this baby.

Are you serious? I earn that and I have one DC, and I'm not exactly rolling in it! But I also live in London so maybe that's the reason, coutryside/ small towns are much cheaper. But still, nursery fee is something like 1k per child full time, and you must have mortgage/ rent?

But of course it makes no difference here, I know people living happily with 3 kids on UC.

If he decides he doesn't want to be involved you won't have his salary though? However it sounds like you will be okay but it is difficult when both children need shoes or coats at the same time. I wouldn't underestimate that! Plus two sets of nursery fees.