Boyfriend doesn't want to have baby

[FirstTimeMummyxxx]

Hi, I am 23 and already have an 11 month old. My partner knew i wasn't on the pill and we have been having sex unprotected - lo and behold i done a test today and it was positive. He doesn't want to keep the baby, won't even sit down and talk about it just straight away said "do another test then we will google on what's the next steps to get rid" but i don't want to get rid. I have always wanted kids young and i am kind of against abortion... (please don't hate me for that). We have a house together but not sure what to do, leave him and keep the baby and get my own place and be a single mom or get rid like he wants?

I would say, OP, based on what you put out here - you have a well paid job, which, I assume, also provides good maternity leave, you have somewhere to live and you can provide a high standard of life for you and 2 children - and you want to keep the a baby - then keep the baby. If he is pushing for abortion against your will, whatever you do is going to ruin the relationship, tbc its as good as over. I would dump the boyfriend, and get him to pay child support.

But, I would also say being a single mum is tough even if you have plenty of money. Your life will be hard, at least for a while before your kids start school.

I would also consider whether your DP will still be in your kids lives, how much contact will he want. You are aware that nowadays the default is 50/50 - not everyone like that.

Great Post. Having 2 close together is hard work but also exremely satisfying. I did in my 20s & they were & are best friends. They are both successful professionals now. There are people here who seem to think having children in your 20s is far too young. Absolute nonsense. Mine left home for university when I was in my early 40s. A lot of my children's friends parents were heading towards 60. There's definitely nothing wrong with that if that is the preference but I certainly wouldn't change anything.

this place is full of idiots. is it so unbelieveable that a 23 yr old can be a good parent and afford to live without relying on a man or benefits? really ridiculous some of these replies.

Yes it is that unbelievable, tbh.

I've know 23-year old engineers or people in finance who make excellent money. I know people with inherited wealth. OP said she works and supports her first child and can support a second, and I don't think she said anything about her lack of qualifications. Just because it isn't typical, why would I assume the OP is lying? It seems to me people are taken aback by women have children in their 20s, as adolescence has been prolonged, and women now have children whilst older. Actually, I would think biologically, having children in your 20s is ideal if it is possible...you have the energy, health, etc.

The main issue for me is she should not be pressured to have an abortion if she doesn't want one, and her boyfriend needs to provide financial support.

If neither of you is using protection why didn’t you have a conversation about having kids.
Did neither of you think this would happen

no, its not and i am proof of that. you all live on cuckoo land

Actually I’m in a back hall with no windows so it is rather dark 🙃

I think many look at their own immature kids and assume everyone else in the 20s must be as shiftless.

Slightly different situation to yours but I had our planned DC when I was 23 and 24 (12 months between them). We managed to support ourselves quite easily as we both had good jobs and managed to pay bills, nursery, go on holidays etc so its not unreasonable to think that you will too. We're still very happily together 20 years later.

We were both on the same page in regard to having kids young and both our dc were planned but I wanted to reassure you that you absolutely can have 2 DC close in age and manage to work and be a committed parent so p[ease dont listen to anyone else who tells you different.

In regard to your situation, I would tell your bf that you are giving him a week or 2 to think about it all before you both need to sit down for a big discussion about what you both want and if possible agree a way forward. And I wouldnt be discussing it at all until then. However, if you want to keep the baby, please use this time to investigate how you will manage (money, family support etc) so that you can go into the discussion with him prepared for anything he says.

If I was you and wanted to keep the baby, I wouldnt agree to an abortion and would look to separate as the writing for your relationship will be on the wall if you have an abortion for him as you will never be able to forgive him or forget what he made you do so it would be better to leave now and keep the baby if thats what you want.

Im hoping its just your bf in shock, but if in 2 weeks he still feels the same then you need to decide what you need to do for you and your existing dc and baby.

Good luck.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

Your posts have been so deeply and peristently unpleasant. I mean this seriously; are you OK? What are you getting out of this thread other than giving a pregnant young mum in a vulnerable situation a solid kicking?

I'm a bit confused as to how you are confident that you will be ok financially as a single mother with 2 babies and their childcare fees, particularly at such a young age where you presumably haven't been able to amass a large amount of savings. My husband and I saved for ten years before we had children and that, coupled with a good job and maternity pay, was enough to buy me a year off work. The second six months (on SMP) was obviously much tighter, but doable. We then had a bit of a gap to sace a bit for the next. I have a friend whose husband has just left her and her teenage kids and financially she is screwed despite having worked hard for 25 years. How, particularly when rent, mortgages, food, council tax, bills and childcare costs are so high are you able to afford 1 baby, let alone 2 and let alone as a single mother? It doesn't sound realistic to me. Not when everyone else that I know (with lots of qualifications, degrees etc are struggling) and we're all much older. Are you being realistic about your ability to financially support your two children alone? That is the thing that jumps out at me the most.

You sound like a great mum! Keep your baby if you want to, you will always regret having an abortion. You will have a lovely close age gap. Your partner will come round eventually, especially if he already has one with you. he must have known what would happen having unprotected sex, it's not your job to remind him.

Keep your baby. Because that's what you want.

You will have two close in age - that is difficult in the early days, but much easier in the long term.

If you abort a baby that you want, your dd's sibling, you'll never forgive him and things will never be right again. Even if your boyfriend is happy, you won't be.

If you don't abort the baby you want, you will have a much wanted baby and your boyfriend may or may not come round. That's his issue - you need to do what you want to do, which is to keep your baby.

After you have this baby, I would then be careful with birth control. Having 2 little ones close in age will be manageable. Once you have more than 2, all sorts of things start spiraling - the need for more bedrooms, car space, money, chaos, time, childcare etc...

I don't think you're young to have a second child. By the time he / she is born you will be mid twenties - quite normal.
What does sound messed up is your communication / relationship.
Lots of great people raise great children without a partner - it's perfectly do-able.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Well people on Mumsnet are struggling to make ends meet with two salaries of 50k....

Her age is irrelevant. I'd say she was irresponsible if she was 25 or 45....

so? that doesnt mean shes struggling, you are projecting

I’m not ‘assuming’ anything. She said she’d been working since she was 16, had started in an office job, and worked her way up to being office manager. I take this as meaning she doesn’t have any post-school qualifications and hence is unlikely to be earning as high a salary as an engineer. And frankly, lots of early graduate jobs are not well-paid.

She said she is, what does she need to do put her bank accounts on so you can approve. I was earning 95k a year at 26 so you really can’t judge based on yourself or your friend.

There are plenty of nearly new high quality items for under 2s. Should she need that. And small children, like cats, play inventively with simple toys. Maybe the OP doesn't plan on Monsoon party dresses, hired entertainment, and designer wallpaper in the freshly redecorated nursery, or whatever the Mumsnet aspirational norm might be. But perhaps she's in a really good job, saved, has a small inheritance, did qualifications on the side, went for in-house training and promotions...we don't need to know. Anyway babies needn't be costly for the first while, all being well.

Aw OP this is really tough and you’ve had some awful replies. FWIW you sound like a wonderful mum, I’m slightly older than you but wish I had my shit together half as much (although I would caution you that 2 sets of nursery fees has more of an impact than you think 😅😅).

It sounds to me like you’ll resent being forced into an abortion and he’ll resent having another child (although he should absolutely have done something if he didn’t actually want another). Just sit and have a proper chat about it - there’s nothing to lose at this stage.

Babes why do you wanna be with someone like him?

That's mental cruelty to the ignored child. It will blight their life. I know. I've been that child.

There are some absolutely disgraceful replies on this thread.
You old ninnies with your unhelpful comments are not welcomed here and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Would you dare say this to the OP face, in person? I doubt it. She is in a vulnerable place and asked for advice, not condemnation. Where is your compassion, your empathy? Wtf is wrong with you.

OP, I'm sorry you're having to read this shite. I hope things work out for you. Don't terminate your baby because he said so, especially if you want to keep him/her. Things will work themselves out.