Boyfriend doesn't want to have baby

[FirstTimeMummyxxx]

Hi, I am 23 and already have an 11 month old. My partner knew i wasn't on the pill and we have been having sex unprotected - lo and behold i done a test today and it was positive. He doesn't want to keep the baby, won't even sit down and talk about it just straight away said "do another test then we will google on what's the next steps to get rid" but i don't want to get rid. I have always wanted kids young and i am kind of against abortion... (please don't hate me for that). We have a house together but not sure what to do, leave him and keep the baby and get my own place and be a single mom or get rid like he wants?

OP - my daughter had her first at 22. This was due to the fact that (with hindsight) no (female) contraception method appears to work.

She went on to have a second, and when she became pregnant with a third immediately afterwards, the thing she was living with turned around and said get rid or I'm gone.

He went 🥳

She works (always has done) and has a beautiful, immaculate 4 bedroom home (we helped her with a loft extension). I look after her children whenever she wants. She occasionally goes out with friends and has a great time (three/four times this year).

Her oldest is now 8 and her youngest is just about to turn 4. Her youngest has epilepsy and she copes marvellously and fights for him all the way. She just threw a huge Halloween party for all the children's friends who live close by.

She is the most fantastic mum, giving her children a fantastic time. They do not miss out on anything. They have more than a few positive male role models (infinitely better than the low life who upped and left) and they are particularly close to their grandad. They attend music, gymnastics and football clubs and go out on trips together most weekends.

Those people labelling your situation a 'shit show' should hang their heads in shame.

Single mothers are the strongest people because they have no choice and get on with loving/raising their children because they have to. Their partners???? leave/abandon the children they have created because they 'want to', and simply because they 'can', and don't even look back, they are the ones that are the 'shit show'.

Men who abandon their children are the shit show!

My grandchildren's lives are enriched because the shit show (who never spent time with the children ever because he was always so engrossed with his precious hobby of cycling when he wasn't working) ceased the moment 'he' buggered off. They're all infinitely better off without that poor excuse for a human.

OP - you don't need him, he's using these circumstances just as a feeble excuse to leave. Let him. Don't ever allow any man to threaten you. If he can threaten you, he doesn't love you.

@FirstTimeMummyxxx The response you've had here is dreadful, with so many people not reading your post or just being nasty.

Please, don't let him bully you into an abortion. His behaviour would make me consider whether I really wanted him around but it sounds like you'll be fine on your own if you have to be.

Might be worth taking a few days for both of you to process what's happening and for each of you to make the decisions that are yours. For both of you, do you want to stay together and for you alone ( listening to his views but deciding yourself) do you want to keep this baby.

Whatever you do, I'm sure you'll decide the right thing. All the best.

Why didn't he think of that with number 1.

Is he dumb?

I mean he IS dumb, because he didn't work out where no1 came from and carried on having unprotected sex when it suited him, but...

Absolutely!

Having a child is a joint decision, certainly not a ‘lo and behold’. What did you think? Could happen?

I suppose you are going to have bring up two DC’s alone, with all if the hard work and complications that brings.

I didn't conjure the fact that they didn't agree they were trying for a baby 😆 clearly they didn't since he seems surprised and unhappy that she wants to keep it!

Crickey, I know the norm now is for women to be older mothers, but if OP works and can and wants to support two kids, why not do so? I think her boyfriend isn't great for trying to pressure her for an abortion if she doesn't want one, and he must know surely having unprotected sex is the result. He's now liable to help support two children, like it or not.

OP, good luck with whatever you decide.

If you have an abortion because he wants you to, you'll be forever resentful of him and feel guilty. The relationship can't continue to work either way.

OP isn't irresponsible for having sex while being open to another pregnancy with her established partner and father of her child. It's what all Catholics, for example, are supposed to do. It's not some abhorrent act! Sex to have babies - argh! Mumsnet cannot cope. She is actually a fully grown adult.

Not a great analogy in this case, I don't think. Catholics are only supposed to have sex, ANY sex, within the confines of marriage. This OP isn't married to her partner.

Were you hoping to get pregnant?

You were both irresponsible if you were both hoping to not get pregnant.

I've now taken time to read the rest of this thread. You are a wonderful woman who has obviously worked hard to get to where you are in life. It's understandable you feel the way you do. There are countless women who would give their right arm to be in your position. There is only 16 months between my friend & her sister They grew up like twins & are really close. You will make your decision & as long as you've no regrets either way you will be fine. Having said that I'm still shocked at the expression get rid. I hope it was said out of shock & not because he really thinks like this

I’m not so sure about her claims to be able to support two children in FT childcare solo. She’s very young, doesn’t appear to hold many qualifications, and even if she’s worked her way up to office manager, she’s unlikely to be earning a big salary. I know a lot of people in two-salary households who couldn’t afford two sets of nursery fees on top of a mortgage or rent for several years, and planned their families to have another baby when the older child started school, for instance. Unless, as is possible, the OP has a heavily-subsidised workplace nursery or something.

What I'm seeing here isn't Mumsnet users being 'pro-choice', i.e. supporting the OP whether she wants to keep the baby or terminate the pregnancy. It's Mumsnet being unkind and judgemental about single mothers, very young mothers and people they view as being in a lower social class. They disapprove of these people having babies and view them as feckless and 'leeching off the tax payer'.

Sounds like you were planning this pregnancy, and assumed he was agreeable, when in truth he was just being a fool who thought he could control the outcome after the event. Obviously he can't, as men have influence on whether they are fathers or not only at the moment they choose to have sex. After that its 100% your decision. Think hard about what you want and choose wisely ignoring any pressure from him.

She's irresponsible, as is her partner. Kids are not accessories.

Yeah it's bravado and bullshit. Two sets of full time nursery plus rent on a 2 bedroom property either needs two professional salaries or a hefty universal credit contribution. It's 2004 not 1984.

I just don’t understand why two adults wouldn’t sit down and actually agree/disagree to create a new life. It is really immature of both of you, for him to say “I just assumed you would take care of it” and for you to say “well fool you didn’t actually say you didn’t want a baby”

It’s a human life, more thought should go into creating it. Have you thought at all about the impact on your children of your (I mean both of you) decisions. Thats why people are calling you immature.

OP is not too young to have children. The culture nowadays is to equate 20-30 yr old woman with being young 'girls' & looking upon them as if they are teenagers. It's utterly ridiculous.

OP, you are in the same or similar position as many women in their 30s & 40s, your age really shouldn't be a factor here.

You're a working mum with your own home and you've got pregnant for a second time (by the father of your first child - just pointing that out as it seems to matter to some people on here) because HE chose not to use contraception.

He knew you weren't on contraception, you reminded him that pregnancy was a risk he was taking, he knew that you were happy to have a 2nd DC and he didn't want to wear a condom; that's on him.

You can get pregnant by a useless father at many ages and stages of life.

I think you've been given a really hard time here, and if the father walks out on you all, that indicates the type of man he is, and it's not your fault your DC won't be living with their Dad.

How many times do men have to be told/shown that sex without contraception (& sometimes with) can end with a baby??

Men that don't want to impregnate women take responsibility by not having unprotected sex.

He's an irresponsible dirt bag who thinks he can fire off his speed and it's the woman's responsibility to deal with it if she gets pregnant.

You can raise your baby without him. All babies are a blessing, so congratulations.

You are absolutely entitled to keep the baby. His choice about procreation happened when he had sex without a condom, he doesn't get that choice any more.

He absolutely must support the child he helped to create.

You don't have to be in a relationship with him. He seems like a bit of an arsehole. But life as a single mum of 2 under 2 will be very tough.

@FirstTimeMummyxxx

I can't believe the amount of vitriol and spectacularly unhelpful responses you are getting on here.

"but i don't want to get rid. I have always wanted kids young and i am kind of against abortion... (please don't hate me for that)."

"i mentally can't do an abortion, i think it would mess me up and ill have so much regret!"

Your instincts are telling you you want to keep this baby. It is your body and you get to make any decisions about it because it is you who will suffer the consequences if you make a decision that goes against all your instincts.

You have said money and housing will not be an issue.

So don't let your BF talk you into having an abortion you don't want. If he didn't want another baby he should have gone out and bought condoms. He doesn't get to tell you what to do with your body

And when you have a child together already he is being ridiculous when he says you are trapping him. That makes no sense at all.

He may come round though. Maybe he is still in shock. What is he like with the child you already have?

You don't have to make a decision straight away. Take some time to think about all the options. Get some counselling as PP suggested above. Above all make sure the choice you finally make is the right choice for YOU.

Good luck.

This is not your forever relationship. So is he worth not having this baby for? get rid is such a horrible way to describe termination of pregnancy. I suppose for some people is a baby a soon as they have a positive test, for others it is not.

It's him or your baby. he will not be with you on your death bed. Your children will. Your choice.

There, there. I hope whatever condition that causes this constant parroting gets better.

Its not horrible. Maturity is quite an important characteristic in a parent and you sound quite immature.
You're thinking primarily of yourself and your desire to have your children young.
You arent thinking at all about the impact on your first child of a family breakdown that could well ensue from this.
Its obvious you wanted a baby so tried for one and didn't really have a proper conversation with your partner about timescales and when you both wanted this to happen - you both sound as bad as each other to be honest.

I had my second child in similar circumstances. Long term relationship, one toddler already.

He spouted a bunch of BS mainly due to panic, I think

I just cracked on and ignored him, basically. Tuned out the bullshit and got on with it.

He came around and is a great dad to both. It could have gone the other way easily, and it did take some time.

The main point is, you have a plan for your own life and you can deal with what life throws at you.

Having two close together in age makes a lot more sense than waiting ten years and starting over. You'll be waving them off to uni / work when many of your peers are still stuck in soft play!

Focus on your life goals and what's best for your kid(s). He can sort his attitude out or not, that's up to him.