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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

I am unexpectantly pregnant, i want to keep the baby, my partner does not. I'm so confused!

163 replies

CeCe179 · 28/08/2024 11:08

Hi, i am totally unsure on how to start this, but here we go!

I am 24, and have only began what i would call my 'big girl' career a year and a half ago. I love my job and I love working. I was told at 18 it would be very unlikely i would ever fall pregnant due to Endometriosis and other fertility issues. I resigned myself to this, and focused completely on building my career and my personal life.

I have been with my partner for 9 months, and when we discussed if i was to un-expectantly fall pregnant I would terminate. I found out last week i was 4 weeks along, and was completely shocked. I went forward with booking in a termination, but since that appointment have had huge doubts about it, and have realized i want this child.

My partner has made it very clear he does not. I have said to him, I don't expect any help emotionally/physically/financially from him if i go forward with the pregnancy. He has said he couldn't leave me and would help, but its not what he wants.

We love each other very much and are in a kind respectful relationship. I do not want to 'trap him' or force him into anything he doesn't want.

I feel like either way I am loosing something, I am shocked that i don't want to terminate as i thought that is what i would want, but now i am in this position its not what i want.

I feel like am loosing something either way, may that be the relationship or the baby.

I feel so unprepared that it isn't the 'right' time, and that i may be sacrificing my career which is also important to me!

Honestly any advice is welcome!!

EDIT - We were using the contraceptive pill!

OP posts:
BitEmbaressinInnit · 28/08/2024 11:09

What contraception were you using?

Mpoxxy · 28/08/2024 11:10

Please tell me you were using contraception.

MoveToParis · 28/08/2024 11:10

BitEmbaressinInnit · 28/08/2024 11:09

What contraception were you using?

What difference does that make?

GladAllOver · 28/08/2024 11:13

Questions about contraception won't help now. Irrelevant.

OP if you have been advised of low fertility, bear in mind that this may be your only chance of a child. If you terminate now you may regret it in the future.

PlantDoctor · 28/08/2024 11:19

I think you have to assume he won't help and make your decision from there. Would you be happy in the relationship after a termination? I appreciate you both agreed to do so originally, which makes his reaction fair too.

Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2024 11:24

GladAllOver · 28/08/2024 11:13

Questions about contraception won't help now. Irrelevant.

OP if you have been advised of low fertility, bear in mind that this may be your only chance of a child. If you terminate now you may regret it in the future.

There is a massive possibility that this may be the case. I do not think anyone should have a termination they are not sure of. You want this baby, so I think you should have it.

Would you be able to stay in the relationship if you had a termination you don't want?

Comedycook · 28/08/2024 11:26

I don't expect any help emotionally/physically/financially from him

What a silly thing to say. You can't force him to be involved emotionally or physically but he must contribute financially....why on earth do you think he shouldn't have to?

BitEmbaressinInnit · 28/08/2024 11:27

MoveToParis · 28/08/2024 11:10

What difference does that make?

Show quote history

A huge difference.

If he knew she wasn't on anything but didn't insist on using a condom how could he possibly he upset with her?

Lovelyview · 28/08/2024 11:27

It's possible if you have an abortion that your relationship will be over anyway because you will feel like he made you have it. I feel sorry for both you and your partner being in this situation but I don't think you should terminate a pregnancy if you want to have the baby.

Kittybluecat · 28/08/2024 11:29

You're not confused. You want a baby. He does not. Now you have a decision to make. Don't belittle yourself my calling it 'confusion'.
Put your big girl pants on. Write pros and cons and make a decision.
Good luck

WhoOfWhoville · 28/08/2024 11:31

Why are these stories always from women who were allegedly told by doctors at a very young age that they were absolutely barren and would never ever need to use contraception ever? And why do men believe them?

Singleandproud · 28/08/2024 11:32

I found myself pregnant at 22, I asked myself whether I would rather reach 35 with a career and partner and no baby, or whether reaching 35 with a child but not the other two would be preferable.

For me DD won. She's an only child and I have been single ever since but I did forge a career and she has a good relationship with her dad visiting once a week. But I love being a mum, really truly and looking back it was the very best decision I could have made.

In your position and your age with potential reproductive issues it would be a easy decision too. Relationships come and go.

Lovelyview · 28/08/2024 11:32

WhoOfWhoville · 28/08/2024 11:31

Why are these stories always from women who were allegedly told by doctors at a very young age that they were absolutely barren and would never ever need to use contraception ever? And why do men believe them?

Op has updated to say she was on the pill.

WhoOfWhoville · 28/08/2024 11:33

Lovelyview · 28/08/2024 11:32

Op has updated to say she was on the pill.

Show quote history

Of course, just seen.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 28/08/2024 11:33

This will require mutual compassion.
You are both in this situation because the only definite way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex.
Neither of you wanted to actually create a baby, so you are both in the same boat there and neither of you are to blame any more than the other.

But there isn't a compromise here unfortunately, and despite the shock the sooner this is accepted the better.
There are so many reasons and arguments about this, you could debate endlessly about why termination or going ahead would be best.

Ultimately, the consequences sorry and long term of either choice cannot be known.
You could terminate and be eaten up with regret and the relationship could suffer.
You could go ahead and find yourself wishing for the simpler life of child free.
You could terminate and end up feeling it was for the best in the long run.
Or have the baby and be delighted.

It's all total guess work.
It doesn't need to end your career.
Becoming a parent is not easy (though very rewarding), it is even less easy when you are in that situation reluctantly, but that doesn't mean you can't roll your sleeves up and make the best of it... And if you do, find that it has enriched your life and developed you in ways you couldn't imagine.

I think in the end, you could go round in circles with this forever, so the fact that you feel you want to go ahead and make the best of it whatever shape that ends up taking is as sensible a reason for a decision as any

All the best op... Life doesn't follow a script and if we roll with things, and do our best we rarely look back with regret.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/08/2024 11:33

It’s a tough decision op, for sure. Either way you need to make the decision that is right for you - it’s your body. Maybe get some counselling and/or talk to someone who can help you unpick the pros and cons.
PS if you have the baby of course he supports financially - it’s still his responsibility to his child regardless.

BitEmbaressinInnit · 28/08/2024 11:33

Lovelyview · 28/08/2024 11:32

Op has updated to say she was on the pill.

Show quote history

Then he still should have been using condoms if he didn't want a baby that severly

Monkeysatonthewall · 28/08/2024 11:35

WhoOfWhoville · 28/08/2024 11:31

Why are these stories always from women who were allegedly told by doctors at a very young age that they were absolutely barren and would never ever need to use contraception ever? And why do men believe them?

🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

I don't know what to say. Evil OP, how dare she trick this poor man.
I hope you realise this happens to lots of people.

Flipsock · 28/08/2024 11:36

I have said to him, I don't expect any help emotionally/physically/financially from him if i go forward with the pregnancy

Did you say this in order to please him or calm him? Because you need to retract it if you’re going to proceed with this pregnancy.

roundandroundthe · 28/08/2024 11:37

Sounds like this could be a once in a lifetime pregnancy for you. You will not regret having a child, you will probably regret terminating. Your relationship is likely to be over anyway.

As another poster said, he needs to pay for this child whether he wants to or not. No contraceptive is 100% effective and pregnancy is always a risk.

Foxblue · 28/08/2024 11:38

What I would say is, you have conditions that mean that statistically you are less likely to conceive, but not only have you conceived, you have conceived young AND while on the pill. That's really positive news in terms of your potential to get pregnant again in the future.
So you need to look at this through the lens of 'what is best for the baby' and 'what is best for your life' and leave any 'this could be your only chance' thoughts out of your head.
And you unfortunately do have a responsibility to think through what the emotional impact to your child for the rest of their lives would be, having a father that didn't want them.
You have a bright future ahead and there's every chance you will get pregnant again when the time is right.
There is a prevailing attitude on here that a baby to a man who might abandon it is better than no baby at all, when it comes to these scenarios, and I dont think that's right for the hypothetical child OR the very real woman trying to make a difficult decision. I wish you the absolute best in making it.

Imustgoforarun · 28/08/2024 11:38

WhoOfWhoville · 28/08/2024 11:31

Why are these stories always from women who were allegedly told by doctors at a very young age that they were absolutely barren and would never ever need to use contraception ever? And why do men believe them?

this. The human body is very resilient. Nature says we make babies. It’s only on Mumsnet I ever hear this stuff. How can anyone tell an 18 year old this?

Flipsock · 28/08/2024 11:39

Why are there so many young women on here who’ve apparently been told by doctors that they’re unlikely to conceive? Or is it something these posters say to try to allay any judgement for an accidental pregnancy?

redtrain123 · 28/08/2024 11:40

Do what’s right for you.

If you keep the baby, the relationship will be over , as he doesn’t to proceed (although will still gave to support).

if you terminate, the relationship will be over, as you ‘ll regret the decision (as you want to continue), and will resent him.

The relationship isn’t even a year yet, so I can appreciate where he’s coming from. However, even with contraception, there’s always the risk…

WhoOfWhoville · 28/08/2024 11:40

Monkeysatonthewall · 28/08/2024 11:35

🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

I don't know what to say. Evil OP, how dare she trick this poor man.
I hope you realise this happens to lots of people.

Show quote history

Yeah, I know it happens to a lot of people hence my comment - as the story is almost always the same - “I was told as a foetus/12 year old/16 year old/24 year old that I’d likely never be able to have children” and yet in real life medicine - I don’t know of any doctors making such bold and libellous claims as “you’ll likely never conceive” - even in instances of chemotherapy given to children that is known to destroy ovarian function - there is still a chance. Even in reproductive medicine with the most grave known fertility issues, there’s still always a chance.