I am unexpectantly pregnant, i want to keep the baby, my partner does not. I'm so confused!

[CeCe179]

Hi, i am totally unsure on how to start this, but here we go!

I am 24, and have only began what i would call my 'big girl' career a year and a half ago. I love my job and I love working. I was told at 18 it would be very unlikely i would ever fall pregnant due to Endometriosis and other fertility issues. I resigned myself to this, and focused completely on building my career and my personal life.

I have been with my partner for 9 months, and when we discussed if i was to un-expectantly fall pregnant I would terminate. I found out last week i was 4 weeks along, and was completely shocked. I went forward with booking in a termination, but since that appointment have had huge doubts about it, and have realized i want this child.

My partner has made it very clear he does not. I have said to him, I don't expect any help emotionally/physically/financially from him if i go forward with the pregnancy. He has said he couldn't leave me and would help, but its not what he wants.

We love each other very much and are in a kind respectful relationship. I do not want to 'trap him' or force him into anything he doesn't want.

I feel like either way I am loosing something, I am shocked that i don't want to terminate as i thought that is what i would want, but now i am in this position its not what i want.

I feel like am loosing something either way, may that be the relationship or the baby.

I feel so unprepared that it isn't the 'right' time, and that i may be sacrificing my career which is also important to me!

Honestly any advice is welcome!!

EDIT - We were using the contraceptive pill!

Slightly reduced fertility does not mean that she won't get pregnant again.

That I agree with. I didn't like the blame being put on the OP as I think drs often see things as black and white. I believe this is changing though.

I know you think OP lied but I trust her. It's probably not completely uncommon for drs to say something like 'endo is so severe that conception is unlikely '.

What an awful situation to be in. Being realistic, could you see yourself being with this guy forever?? This may be your only chance to be pregnant. Termination is not an easy thing, think about what your doing, as it will live in your head for the rest of your life. I'm not one for kids growing up without their dad but this is a sad situation. Do you think your partner could poss come around later in pregnancy or when baby is born. If you want to keep the baby, you keep it. As it will be you and no one else living with the heartache for the rest of your life. X

I just wanted to add that I was in your shoes in my early twenties and that was really my one chance due to my fertility issues. The man went but I am menopausal now and the proud mother of one.
It is unfair of others to comment when they don't understand how difficult it is for some women to have a family.

If you terminated the pregnancy for him I fear that the relationship wouldn’t recover anyway. Will you hold it against him? Will he feel guilty?

I also agree with others that what if this is your one chance at having a baby?

Ultimately only you can decide.

This is the best comment here OP.

I know THREE people in real life who say 'they were told they couldn't get pregnant' at 17/18 which I think is the result of teenagers beings told 'you have a condition which means getting pregnant might be trickier' and this has, out of understandable fear and lack of knowledge, spiralled into 'I am infertile' - women's health care has always been a roulette wheel and I suspect there were some very uncaring doctors in the past who didn't understand how what they were saying could have been taken as black and white, and didn't spend a whole lot of time with patients explaining the ins and outs. Especially teenagers getting diagnosed with lifelong chronic conditions... anyone would be reeling.
Ps. The three people I know who all got told this, all got accidentally pregnant while in their mid twenties, kept the babies in rubbish financial/partner positions because 'it might be my only chance'.... and all gone on to have more children. I suspect they all had the same doctor, to be honest!

Even 'big girls' much older than op would struggle with this decision , be kind to her she is worried and vulnerable and hormonal.

Op you need to call your abortion provider and tell them you're unsure now and you need them to refer you to a counsellor. These people are brilliant about helping you make the right choice for YOU. Then do what is right for you. Your endometriosis will definitely factor into the decision.

You will need to factor in that you might be a single mum as even if your bf was keen, you've only known him for 9months amd you're both young and still getting to know each other. Single mum life can be great but just hold that in mind.

It's actually far more common for them to say "there is a possibility that you may have reduced fertility. However, please listen very carefully. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU DON'T NEED CONTRACEPTION". According to mumsnet, no one seems to listen to the last part.

If you feel strongly that you want this baby and that you would regret a termination, I think that you should go ahead with the pregnancy.

You don't need his permission and it's ok for your feelings to change now that you are pregnant.

It sounds like you are aware that your relationship may not survive and that you have considered the implications to your career. Obviously these factors are relevant.

I'd abort. I think it's unfair to bring a child into the world that isn't wanted by both parents ( if two parents are involved, it's obviously ok if you are doing parenthood alone) Having a kid is amazing but it's much better to try and optimise everything else first. You've a short term boyfriend and are just setting out on your career. I don't know what your housing situation is or whether you have support around you. It obviously be easier if you have supportive parents close by etc.

There are a lot of threads where women are told they can't have babies but then fall pregnant with surprise babies. I don't know if the men involved take more chances as they believe they won't end up with an unwanted baby.

If you go ahead with this pregnancy it's not unlikely you will separate then you will have to deal with all that that can mean. Your boyfriend may end up wanting shared custody. Would you really be ok with that? You just don't know him well enough to know how things will pan out. Also if you split then what about future children? Would you want siblings. What happens if you end up with kids with different Dads. It often works out just fine and there is nothing wrong with it but it does add another layer of complication to you and your children's lives.
How practical would it be for you to work if you have a child with no partner? What happens if you have a child with additional needs but don't have a partner? How would that work.

Surely it's better to wait until you are more settled and have a partner who also wants a baby.

Your priority shouldn't be what you want but what is bet for any future child or children you have.

You can also google 'what am I entitled to' to when kit what benefits you'd get as a renting single mum there are quite a lot

You want to keep the baby. Decision made.
This has to be about what you want NOT what he wants.

At the end of the day it is up to you if you want to go forward with the pregnancy on your own. Your partner has been clear that he doesn't want a child with you, and although he should still provide financial support, he can't be compelled to do more than that (or even that, unfortunately).

I do not believe any doctor ever said you would be unable to get pregnant or have a child. What they do say is that endometriosis MAY make it more difficult to have a child - many women hear this, get anxious, and fall pregnant as soon as possible. You now know that your endometriosis does not prevent you getting pregnant, and regardless of whether you continue this pregnancy or not, you need to use contraception in future (and use it correctly and consistently).

You want the baby, so have it. Your partner has to make his own decisions, but cannot make that one.
I had fertility treatment for my first three children, so had very little reason to suppose that an accidental fourth would arrive. Yet, here he is!

I always thought I would terminate a pregnancy if I ever fell pregnant. Had no desire to have children ever. Got pregnant at 36 (a little inebriated at the time 😳) he’s now 14! I knew I was pregnant at 2-3 weeks as well, wine tasted vile and had taken the morning after pill!!

Only you can decide your next step but I would advice to hanging onto your career. It’s bloody hard when they are little bit I’m Bloody glad I remained working full time and will get glad of the pension.

Either way the relationship is over for the sounds of it and he will part of the childs life either way.
Keep the baby you can do parenting alone and be a great mum.

However I know what i would be doing.
Best of luck.

Honestly shocked at the number of people who don't think the partner should have a say. It's his baby too.

Your body, your choice.

having been brought up in a single parent family I would not have had children unless I could do it alone. Divorce, death, who knows, but I wanted to always be able to provide as a lone parent should the worse happen.

so. Take him out of the equation. If you have the baby now how will you manage. Housing? Can you afford rent and nursery? Can you get an interest only mortgage while you have nursery fees?

go to entitled to and work out what your income will be including benefits.

does work do nursery vouchers?

how will it impact your job/career? Is it actually better to take mat leave now at the beginning, than have to take a break later when your career is really rolling?

if you want the baby, and can manage the logistics alone, then that’s your decision.

caveat- yes I know he should help, but we also know it’s not unusual for men not to. So if you can plan to do it alone, if he does step up it will make things much easier. If you plan for him to be there and he disappears, you could be screwed.

I had a work colleague in very similar circumstances except the boyfriend gave her the ultimatum it’s me or the baby. With great reluctance and knowing her chances of falling pregnant again were minuscule, she chose him and had a termination. He left her 6months later.

I think the idea that the women's desire to have a baby is the most important thing is wrong. The most important thing should always be what's in the best interests of a future child. That doesn't mean people shouldn't have babies unless they are in a perfect position to do so but it does mean that women ( and men) who want to become parents should try and make sure that things such as their relationship, money, careers, housing etc are as good as possible (more or less)

OP’s post says ‘unlikely’ not never ever.
And she was on the pill!
OP- do what’s right for you but your partner has responsibilities too.
Good Luck

You didn't want a baby, so you used contraception.

He "didn't want a baby" but he used no contraception- the exact thing people do when trying for a baby 🙄

If you want the baby, have it. But under no circumstances feel guilty or feel like he shouldn't have to do 50% of the care (physical, emotional and financial) because if he didn't want to get you pregnant, he should have taken precautions to prevent it.

It's simply biology. Her body, her choice.

Hi OP.

I empathise with your situation. I too found myself unexpectedly pregnant and shared some of your considerations. It’s tough.

I think you’ve had some good advice on here already but would like to impress the importance of considering what is best for the child. While it is absolutely your choice whether to continue with your pregnancy - and I would say that your change of feelings is a direct result of your hormones moreso than anything else - and factors such as your career should be considered, nothing is more important than the life that you’ll be giving to this child.

I struggled hard to get past the notion that it was selfish of me to bring a child into the world knowing that they’d like have an absent father. I went ahead (and will absolutely say that motherhood is the most joyful experience ever!) but I am still wracked with that same
guilt.

We talk about ‘having a baby’ but they’re really not a baby for long. They’re a fully formed, whole person who deserves the very best of life and then some. If you have a good network of family and friends that can also be that ‘village’ to your son or daughter then I’d say go for it. Without extra people around though, it’s hard. Very hard. And your child is the one who’ll be missing out the most.

Money/a career will come if you focus your efforts into making it. And UC can be generous for single parents for when they’re little. CMS is a pretty toothless organisation IME but they’re there too if your bf tries to shirk his financial obligations.

Motherhood will likely come at a future point if you decide this isn’t the right time for you. You’re very young and seem to be a medical marvel if you’ve conceived despite having a condition AND while on the pill!

I wish you the best whatever you decide. My only advice is to keep sight of what’s most important here - the child.