I am unexpectantly pregnant, i want to keep the baby, my partner does not. I'm so confused!

[CeCe179]

Hi, i am totally unsure on how to start this, but here we go!

I am 24, and have only began what i would call my 'big girl' career a year and a half ago. I love my job and I love working. I was told at 18 it would be very unlikely i would ever fall pregnant due to Endometriosis and other fertility issues. I resigned myself to this, and focused completely on building my career and my personal life.

I have been with my partner for 9 months, and when we discussed if i was to un-expectantly fall pregnant I would terminate. I found out last week i was 4 weeks along, and was completely shocked. I went forward with booking in a termination, but since that appointment have had huge doubts about it, and have realized i want this child.

My partner has made it very clear he does not. I have said to him, I don't expect any help emotionally/physically/financially from him if i go forward with the pregnancy. He has said he couldn't leave me and would help, but its not what he wants.

We love each other very much and are in a kind respectful relationship. I do not want to 'trap him' or force him into anything he doesn't want.

I feel like either way I am loosing something, I am shocked that i don't want to terminate as i thought that is what i would want, but now i am in this position its not what i want.

I feel like am loosing something either way, may that be the relationship or the baby.

I feel so unprepared that it isn't the 'right' time, and that i may be sacrificing my career which is also important to me!

Honestly any advice is welcome!!

EDIT - We were using the contraceptive pill!

Personally I would keep the baby. Once you go through with a termination there is no way back but atleast relationship wise you have the chance to see if it works out or not.
Honestly you will 100% regret having a termination. Especially if you're having doubts about it.
Things are obviously different with a baby but there's no reason why you still can't have a happy relationship as well. And you can both still work too.
Why does your partner not want a baby?

How cruel is it to a baby/child to have a father that doesn’t want them.

It's a bit more complicated than that. Factors include your level of education, income, partner, how many children, etc. And that's just comparing women with children to women without children:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4041155/

Age at first birth (AFB), particularly under 25, is associated with lower earnings: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4723246/

I expect I'll get a kicking but here goes.....

Why do you want to keep it ? You were on contraception so planning on NOT having a baby. Not fair on your boyfriend I say. He will by law have to support the child for almost 20 years. He has no say in the matter & cant stop you from having it. He has no control over his life.

Yes he could have worn a condom but as you were on the pill you both thought it wasnt necessary. I wonder how many women would be put off by the bf insisting on wearing a condom every time they had sex "just in case".

Men get a great kicking on here when they have kids & then dont step up / dont do 50/50 / prioritise a new partner yaddah yaddah yaddah........but in this case he has no say in the matter. He doesn't want it but will be saddled with a responsibility he does want.

You said “ I would argue as a lone parent you can’t afford to let your career step back” I was asking where the OP had stated her career would step back. And you’re right- she hadn’t. She has made it clear she is in a position to look after the baby

I know, my daughter told me about three different friends who were under 21 at the time and who'd told her they couldn't have children.

Yes I know. Pp had said a lone parents career will take a step back- that was what I was replying to.

9 months isn't long at all. Statistically most relationships (not just romantic but all types from friendship to work etc... but especially relationships) fail/cease before the 7 year point, 9 months is not even close to that.

You might terminate and he could chuck you in a month or a year etc... then you have NOTHING except guilt and regret for doing something you didn't want to do for a man.

Your child won't just randomly dump you because his big titted secretary came on to him or his made said you are 'boring' etc...

Seems an obvious choice to me of which you are less likely to regret.

As someone who went through infertility doctor aren't allowed to say that especially not to 'children/teens'.

I had 10 years of infertility and husband under my belt and NHS doctors wouldn't take it 'seriously' until my 30s as 'your still young enough for it to happen'. We have double infertility and did private funded IVF in the end.

They can advise people health will suffer if they do try or that something is unlikely to occur without medical help (like having a full hysterectomy or after chemo etc...) but they can't say you 'can't' as its a definitive negative and impossible to say.

There is a host of options even in worst case such as IVF, donors, surrogates, TESE and now even womb transplants. plus if a person ovulates even without tubes/womb pregnancy is possible with an ectopic (which have in rare cases even resulted in live births).

Doctors do not tell people they 'can not' have children, especially not young teens who have had no fertility tests or real reason to indicate sterility. It would bring there whole license into question.

My gut instinct from what you've said:
-Continue pregnancy
-Revoke your promise of no financial/emotional/practical support- you don't want to write him a blank cheque at your babies disadvantage.
-Buld your support network outside of partner
-Encourage partner to build his own (positive) support network i.e. other dads, family
-Give yourself and him a break. It is a challenging situation for you both but you will.adapt and overcome.
-Understand contraception failure is not your fault and you are not responsible for anyone emotions and feelings but your own.
-Don't worry about the future of your relationship, maybe it will work and maybe it won't, just keep going and see what happens, you won't be happy in a relationship when you feel pressured into a termination

But they have a mother who does want them. It’s cruel to deny that baby their life and this woman a chance of motherhood because of this man. Lots of people have happy, fulfilling lives filled with love without one or even both parents

Wanted the baby so much she was on the pill.

Yes exactly this!

We know yes he could of wore a condom to be doubley sure pregnancy wouldn’t happen, but the OP has said they already had a prior discussion that if she was to become pregnant she would terminate. He is being forced to have a baby that he’s already said he doesn’t want, you told him you would terminate if you got pregnant.

It is an incredibly sad situation given what you know about your potential future fertility but I feel this man has been mislead.

In your situation I would not have this baby. You still have time to get pregnant with a man who wants the same as you. Don't make your life far more difficult by having a baby with a man who does not want a baby. You won't be able to do a lot of things with your friends in the next few years like travel or live abroad.
You have the option now of leaving your current job for a better one in a different area if you want now and with a baby you can't do this. You can also think I would have plenty of support but this may not be the case. You can't expect your own parents to mind your child when you are at work. The cost of childcare is high and even finding a place in some areas is hard.
Then what happens if your child is sick and what happens during the Easter, summer and Xmas school holidays?

I know woman who wanted kids but they decided to work on their careers, traveled and built up there savings before having kids. They met men that wanted the same as them.
The had the financial means to have a year off after having a child. They were married before having kids or got married after their 1 st child was born.
Long term they were with men that wanted marriage, kids, to buy a home together and build a life for them and their kid's.
Having a baby and bringing them up is hard work and expensive even with 2 parents.

I know woman that had kids around your age and long term it effected them a lot. They had years of little money, worry about the child and the bills. Then they had to deal with the benefit section and the CMS and both being a nightmare. Over time they saw their friends going on holidays, living abroad and having nicer lives than them. Even now I know one lady in her early 50's whose working long hours in a physical demanding job and trying to build up her savings because she was left with 3 children to support after having her 1st child in her early 20's.

To me a baby deserves to be born into a couple that both want them and can provide a good life for them.

In your situation I would not have this baby. You still have time to get pregnant with a man who wants the same as you. Don't make your life far more difficult by having a baby with a man who does not want a baby. You won't be able to do a lot of things with your friends in the next few years like travel or live abroad.
You have the option now of leaving your current job for a better one in a different area if you want now and with a baby you can't do this. You can also think I would have plenty of support but this may not be the case. You can't expect your own parents to mind your child when you are at work. The cost of childcare is high and even finding a place in some areas is hard.
Then what happens if your child is sick and what happens during the Easter, summer and Xmas school holidays?

I know woman who wanted kids but they decided to work on their careers, traveled and built up there savings before having kids. They met men that wanted the same as them.
The had the financial means to have a year off after having a child. They were married before having kids or got married after their 1 st child was born.
Long term they were with men that wanted marriage, kids, to buy a home together and build a life for them and their kid's.
Having a baby and bringing them up is hard work and expensive even with 2 parents.

I know woman that had kids around your age and long term it effected them a lot. They had years of little money, worry about the child and the bills. Then they had to deal with the benefit section and the CMS and both being a nightmare. Over time they saw their friends going on holidays, living abroad and having nicer lives than them. Even now I know one lady in her early 50's whose working long hours in a physical demanding job and trying to build up her savings because she was left with 3 children to support after having her 1st child in her early 20's.

To me a baby deserves to be born into a couple that both want them and can provide a good life for them.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Imagine the despair of not being able to conceive later in life, considering your diagnosis. You'd be kicking yourself for terminating this pregnancy.

Sounds like you've got yourself set up. You can still go for it and be successful if this bloke doesn't want anything to do with your child. Even if he does leave, you've only been together for 9 months.

This is such a difficult one.
You clearly have a good job and it's amazing that at the age of 24 you own your own home. The additional advantage is you also have a support network close by.
Obviously the negatives are that your partner is not on the same page as you and you've only been together 9 months, which in the grand scheme of things is nothing.

In my case I got pregnant at 23, my partner and I had been together for 2 years. I, like you had a good job and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Fast forward to almost 10 years later I'm now married (to the same man) and we had another child in 2021 and I'm expecting our third this year. The key difference here is that my husband was incredibly supportive of me back then and he still is now, but I know this is not the norm when you start a family with someone in your early 20's. Also, I don't think I would have gone through with the pregnancy if he hadn't been so supportive. I think unfortunately your relationship is probably over either way because if you keep the baby he will resent you and if you terminate you will probably resent him.

That's the risk you take when you have sex.
No contraception is guaranteed.

We have become very accustomed to the idea that purely recreational sex is an entitlement but nature doesn't see it this way.

Now his female partner is impregnated his roll of the dice is taken and yes he had limited control from that point.
In theory.
In practice lots of men still turn their backs and walk away.

Op hasn't done this to him, she's just responding to events as they unfold as will he, and if her response is to grow, birth and raise that baby then that is as valid a response as any... Even as she considers his preferences that is no longer the only consideration to take into account... Because conception has happened and a foetus exists.

She’s not allowed to change her mind? She can’t feel maternal now she’s pregnant?

It is very reasonable to aim to not get pregnant and also reasonable to be disappointed if the measures you take fail.

But once that situation (of not being pregnant) ceases to exist you have to deal with your new reality, and that involves considering all the ramifications that are the result of that - one of the factors in the decision is how he feels, one of them is how op feels... But there are many more... Financial, emotional, physical, practical etc etc

Babies don't evaporate, you have to abort them, that isn't nothing
Discovering you have conceived when you understand your chances of that happening are highly unlikely compared to others is not nothing.
Owning your own home and knowing you can provide for your child if you keep it isn't nothing
Discovering that now a life is growing in you, you find you feel more inclined to love it than erase it is not unreasonable.

What is unreasonable is to continue to base your decision on what was true before this conception happened.
Things change, does that mean your life plan changes, not necessarily, but it equally might well.

Not if the father cant change his.

It takes 2 to tango & they both agreed that they didn't want children as she was on the pill.

If she now says she want to keep the baby then the father has a responsibility for that child for at least 18 years.

If there was something legal in place that they could both sign to say that the OP would not seek any money or any other support from him then great. But there isnt.

And I speak as a father of 3. Also has 2 miscarriages an ectopic & a molar pregnancy. At the time I was in a stable marriage. Since divorce I've supported my children by paying maintenance & then the last 6 years have had them living with me.

I understand the financial & emotional cost it taking raising children. Just font think it's fair to say to a man...." you know we didnt want children so we were using contraception but I've changed my mind....oops".

It’s her body. Not his. End of.
The fact you think because he doesn’t want the responsibility (which she has said he doesn’t need to accept) she has to terminate a baby she does want and may not have the chance again is appalling . Men cannot tell women they cannot have their babies. You simply don’t get to do that

Exactly. It's not a fair situation and I think it's disingenuous to try and pretend otherwise but it's not as if men don't know that legally they cannot force women into abortions. Their choice begins and ends with where they choose to ejaculate and no it's not fair but the alternative is worse, which is always going to be the bottom line for the vast majority of people.

I have endometriosis fell pregnant on the pill, it's possible but a blessing.

Sounds like your mind is made up, you can have the baby and your career and an amazing life whatever you decide.

I feel if you terminate you will resent the father and maybe not stay together anyway?

I feel if you terminate you will resent the father and maybe not stay together anyway?

That is highly likely to happen, unfortunately.