I am unexpectantly pregnant, i want to keep the baby, my partner does not. I'm so confused!

[CeCe179]

Hi, i am totally unsure on how to start this, but here we go!

I am 24, and have only began what i would call my 'big girl' career a year and a half ago. I love my job and I love working. I was told at 18 it would be very unlikely i would ever fall pregnant due to Endometriosis and other fertility issues. I resigned myself to this, and focused completely on building my career and my personal life.

I have been with my partner for 9 months, and when we discussed if i was to un-expectantly fall pregnant I would terminate. I found out last week i was 4 weeks along, and was completely shocked. I went forward with booking in a termination, but since that appointment have had huge doubts about it, and have realized i want this child.

My partner has made it very clear he does not. I have said to him, I don't expect any help emotionally/physically/financially from him if i go forward with the pregnancy. He has said he couldn't leave me and would help, but its not what he wants.

We love each other very much and are in a kind respectful relationship. I do not want to 'trap him' or force him into anything he doesn't want.

I feel like either way I am loosing something, I am shocked that i don't want to terminate as i thought that is what i would want, but now i am in this position its not what i want.

I feel like am loosing something either way, may that be the relationship or the baby.

I feel so unprepared that it isn't the 'right' time, and that i may be sacrificing my career which is also important to me!

Honestly any advice is welcome!!

EDIT - We were using the contraceptive pill!

Hey OP
i was in a similar situation many years ago. I fell pregnant while on contraception 9 months into my relationship. I really wanted the baby, he didn’t but said he would support me. I had a week or so to think about it. I decided to terminate and focus on my relationship and career. Looking back now if I had that baby I’m pretty sure me and my partner wouldn’t have survived the relationship, and I wouldn’t have got so much into my career and life as I have done now. 8 years later I am still with the same man, have the best relationship ever, we’ve travelled a lot and both succeeded well into our careers. Now we are 15 weeks with twins and the time feels right! We always talk about if we had that baby how do we think our life would be now and for us it weighed out more cons. I also suffer with endometriosis. I have had two key hole surgeries to remove endo, and I lost my right ovary beginning of this year. I have managed to conceive well after coming off the pill, even though doctors have said before endo can get in the way of fertility.

You really do need to weigh out the pros and cons for yourself, and your babies life now & future. Take your time to decide.

Hello,

An update as there have been many question on the post.

We were using the contraceptive pill.

I understand that he made it clear he does not want the child, and i am realistic enough to know that he very likely will have no involvement.

I am in a very lucky position of having a decently paid job, that will support me with Mat leave and coming back to my job eventually.

I also am in a very luck position that I own a property entirely in my name.

My family live close by and will be supportive.

Thank you for everyone's advice, its greatly appreciated.

I was in your situation at the same age OP, and whilst part of me did want the baby, I had a termination and have absolutely no regrets. I’m now early 30s, happily married to a great man, well established in my career and pregnant with a baby much wanted by both of us. It’s great doing it now tbh, we have a lovely home, I’m able to take a year off with no financial worries and return to work part time as my husband will pick up the financial slack and I’m established enough in my career that I have a lot of autonomy and will still be able to progress part time. I would have had none of those things at 22 and I can’t imagine how stressful it would have been, it would have certainly taken the shine off motherhood which I am so looking forward to now and I feel confident I’m giving my baby the very best start I can.

Mumsnet is very pro “keep the baby” but I just wanted to offer an alternative perspective. Even when it took us a bit longer to conceive I still didn’t regret my decision. The fact you have conceived whilst on the pill suggests you are very fertile despite what the doctor has told you.

How would you feel if you never became pregnant ever again? You said you were told you were unlikely to conceive? You want this baby that’s clear , your relationship may last or not but maybe you should follow your heart as you may not get the chance ever again?

At your age, there is no way I would keep that baby as a single parent.

If you want the baby have the baby. It would better to lose your relationship and be hurt for a while than forever grieve for a child you wanted. It is your choice and not your partner’s. What he wants is irrelevant and no contraception is 100% so he took the risk.
And you can have a successful career and children. It can be very hard at times but no man has ever had to make the choice between one or the other so why should women?

Because men tend to have a woman looking after the baby, that's why.

Such a difficult decision OP, and only you can know what is right or wrong for you.

Adding my experience into the mix for another perspective. I did most of my "living" in my late 20s - travelling, dating, gigs, shows, nights out, hobbies. All of that would have been taken away with having had a child, they are like an anchor on your life as much as you think they might not be, and if you do become single, it might prove harder to meet somebody else if you have a child.

I have been lucky enough to meet a man in my 30s, who's is incredibly supportive and we have a lovely family set up. Looking back, no way would I ever swap this life for a baby with the man i was dating at 24, and the prospect of bringing up a child on my own and not living some of my best years without a baby.

Having said that, on the other hand there's no guarantee all of these other things are to come, and you may regret it later in life if you don't end up meeting somebody you want children with or if you werent able to conceive. Your partner may actually change his mind. And there must be lots of pros to having kids early and getting it done and dusted.

So, a balanced view of pros and cons that may or may not help.

Either way, whichever decision you make will be the right decision based on the knowledge you have right now.

It's your body, your choice. Two people made this baby and therefore are jointly responsible, but it's happened now and you are pregnant, so if you want to keep your baby then it's absolutely your right to. Things will fall into place and you can make it work, especially if you have supportive family and friends. Sounds like you are smart and responsible - you've totally got this and you can always get back into the workplace. Hopefully your partner will be there for you. If not physically and emotionally, then I'm sorry but he will have to support you financially as you didn't make this baby yourself...
I think people are right that your relationship might not survive this either way. Just focus on what you want for yourself and your potential child.

To have it would be a selfish decision

Also fertility issues are tough. I'm facing them now in my 30s. It's your decision either way but think carefully about how you might look back on this chance in the future if you continue to struggle

I disagree with this. It's far more selfish for DP to expect you to terminate when this is a 50/50 responsibly and now you are pregnant.

Sounds like you've got a great set up. You are lucky that whichever decision you make, it will work out for you. Good luck

Hello op. Is your partner someone who never wanted children or just didn’t want them yet?

You can have children and a career. Lots of women do

To reiterate what a PP has said, mumsnet is very pro keep the baby. But I really do think that to continue the pregnancy is to force someone into having a baby that has already expressed they really don’t want one just yet. Even if he doesn’t have any involvement I don’t think he would ever be able to shake the fact that he has a child somewhere out there, it would effect both of your lives forever. I really think a child should be brought into the world with 2 loving parents who want it.

Wow you are vile.

I was told at 16 I would likely need ivf, and at 23 following a period so heavy it tore my womb lining and I wound up crippled and blue lighted to A&E with a massive infection that even ivf wouldn't work as ivestigations into how I ended up with a tear having been celebrate for over a year, not used toys etc showed I sint produce viable eggs.

Flash forward 10 years, contraception failure (pill and condom fyi) and I fell pregnant with my dd.

It is not about men believing women or not using contraception. Hormonal changes, weight loss/gain, general changes in lifestyle and environment can have all sorts of impact on fertility.

Perhaps educate yourself rather than being so downright bloody rude and insulting.

I guess my point is, even if you terminate this pregnancy it sounds like you might want a child later on in life. Either your partner doesn’t and that’s a dealbreaker if he does and if so, maybe he will come round this time. He may just be in shock.

Of course you can. However, it does take a huge step back once you have kids, especially as a single parent. And there are a lot of careers that are extra hard or you can't do as a single parent.

I was told at eighteen that I didn't ovulate and my ovaries were essentially shrivelled up raisins. It happens, and I am mighty glad I continued to take contraception anyway (mainly for hormonal issues) as when I did come off the pill after getting married at 33, with my own home and a good career (not trying to trap anyone thanks), with a view to long term fertility treatment if even that was possible, I fell pregnant in a month.

Given the OP was also on the pill, I don't see why there's is reason to doubt her motives.

It concerns me that the NHS continue to give sweeping diagnoses and the women like me who believe them can then be blamed if they fall pregnant unexpectedly.

That's not true at all.
If the OP wants to keep her baby, she should.
She's in a good financial position and seems to have her head screwed on.

He took the risk of pregnancy when he had sex with the OP. You are suggesting that she, with serious fertility issues, should abort a baby she wants? How cruel of you

My career didn’t take a step back. And neither did the careers of many women I know. I’m in a higher position and earn nearly double than my male partner. The OP can have this baby and still have a successful career

I’m not sure this is totally fair. OP has said she was unlikely to ever conceive, was on the contraceptive pill, and they had mutually agreed that an unexpected pregnancy would be terminated. That’s a very different situation to a man who was just reckless with condoms.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting OP should just abort without careful consideration, but he is also in a difficult and very complex position now where he potentially is about to become a father after being very clear and in agreement with OP about not wanting kids.

Think practically - can you afford to have a baby alone? Do you have family/friends around to support you? Because you will need some sort of support when you give birth and have a newborn.
Do you have a suitable place to live?
If you consider all these things and still want to go ahead with the pregnancy then I think you should listen to your heart. If you go ahead with a termination when you didn't really want to it's likely to put a massive strain on your relationship and you could end up breaking up anyway.
Your boyfriend does have a right to his opinion but at the end of the day it's your body and you get to make the final decision.