I am unexpectantly pregnant, i want to keep the baby, my partner does not. I'm so confused!

[CeCe179]

Hi, i am totally unsure on how to start this, but here we go!

I am 24, and have only began what i would call my 'big girl' career a year and a half ago. I love my job and I love working. I was told at 18 it would be very unlikely i would ever fall pregnant due to Endometriosis and other fertility issues. I resigned myself to this, and focused completely on building my career and my personal life.

I have been with my partner for 9 months, and when we discussed if i was to un-expectantly fall pregnant I would terminate. I found out last week i was 4 weeks along, and was completely shocked. I went forward with booking in a termination, but since that appointment have had huge doubts about it, and have realized i want this child.

My partner has made it very clear he does not. I have said to him, I don't expect any help emotionally/physically/financially from him if i go forward with the pregnancy. He has said he couldn't leave me and would help, but its not what he wants.

We love each other very much and are in a kind respectful relationship. I do not want to 'trap him' or force him into anything he doesn't want.

I feel like either way I am loosing something, I am shocked that i don't want to terminate as i thought that is what i would want, but now i am in this position its not what i want.

I feel like am loosing something either way, may that be the relationship or the baby.

I feel so unprepared that it isn't the 'right' time, and that i may be sacrificing my career which is also important to me!

Honestly any advice is welcome!!

EDIT - We were using the contraceptive pill!

I think doctors say to young women “ you may have trouble conceiving due to this condition” but that becomes “I’m infertile” in their heads.

op if you got pregnant on the pill without it is much more likely that your fertility is much better than the previous medical persons lead uou to believe. I think it would be really daft to think of this as your only chance to be a parent.

I agree with you re how the sentence can sound completely different in someone's hand. Especially when they're so young and as the years go by.

On a different note, OP, I would have this baby. If you terminate against your own will, relationship is unlikely to recover. I'm more inclined to believe your DP would come around in later stages of pregnancy or once the baby is born. He doesn't sound awful as he said he'd not leave you alone in this.

One of the most important thing a woman can do is choose the father (or mother) for their unborn child. Actively choosing to raise a child without a partner is, of course, a very valid option too.

Choosing to have a baby with a young short term boyfriend who actively doesn't want to have a child seems very unfair in any future child. Why would you do that when you can wait and have a baby with a partner that actually wants to be a parent. In the OPs case if she splits with her boyfriend then the options will be rubbish. The 'Dad' will either bugger off and have nothing to do with the child apart from paying maintenance Or he might decide he wants to be involved and then the OP will have to deal with sharing the baby with her ex-boyfriend. I know lots of people make shared custody work but I wouldn't want to deal with it. If you read the millions of Mumsnet threads about absent Dads, step families etc etc I don't think it's unrealistic to think that it's better to avoid having a baby with someone who doesn't want to.

This astounds me. I know loads. There are eight senior leaders in my workplace for example (paid I estimate around the 70 grand mark or in one case three figure salary), 4 are female, 2 are single moms. Plenty more single moms in the work place. We all have careers thank you!

OP, do you see the relationship potentially lasting long term if you terminate. And if so, is he open to having children at some point in the future or does he feel he never wants them?

These questions would influence my decision. There isn't an obvious answer to your dilemma here, sadly - we can all tell you what we would do in your position, but we aren't you.

Therefore I would strongly consider seeking some support from a professional counsellor or life coach. Somebody skilled in helping with decision making - even one appointment would probably help.

I wish you all the best, whatever your decision. And try not to think about what you are losing either way, but more that this is a positive - whatever you decide, at least you now know you can potentially have children, either now or in the future. That's fantastic news.

This.

Please read OP & digest.

Did they start their careers as single mothers, or are they women who got an education, career, marriage, children, then got divorced?

Very different circumstances.

I think doctors say to young women “ you may have trouble conceiving due to this condition” but that becomes “I’m infertile” in their heads.

It's exactly this. No doctor will tell a young woman with all her organs intact that she is infertile unless she is actually infertile. Women with PCOS/endometriosis are told it can affect fertility and they may have trouble conceiving naturally. That then gets twisted to mean "I can't get pregnant without IVF". They then tell their young ignorant boyfriends that they can't have children, and then whoops! Unplanned pregnancy. "But I was told I couldn't have children." No. You weren't.

I was told exactly this at 17. That I may have trouble conceiving. My mum cried to everyone she was never going to be a grandma because what she heard was "can't have babies". I had three.

This is also the issue with a lack of good female sex education. People do not understand what fertility truly means and we need to teach young women their anatomy in far more depth rather than the standard you bleed once a month sperm goes in egg and use contraception.

Infertile does NOT mean cannot have children, even if a doctor gave a diagnosis of 'infertile' (very rare at 18) its just means harder/longer to conceive.

Me and DH have confirmed double infertility and I have pretty much had a pregnancy every 3 years of my adult life (except I skipped one so I went a 6 year stretch without one, followed directly by a loss... of my 3 children only 1 was IVF but that was after trying for a decade with a loss. The other two where surprises after being told its highly unlikely naturally).

Infertile just means did not get pregnant within 12 cycles of actively trying or suffered 3+ unexplainable consecutive losses.

Sterile is what most people mean when they say infertile to mean 'can't have children' and theres a lack of understanding of what that mean too.

Someone sterile is lacking the production or equipment to naturally conceive so tubes surgically cut/removed, hysterectomy, lack of ovary/testes from birth, loss of them due to surgery or a medical condition that has ceased sperm production (mumps, chemo etc...). However even with those conditions that are likely to stop natural pregnancy medical intervention can offer other options for assisted pregnancy.

Ok I think you may have some issues

I completely disagree. I know many women, including those who were not told they were ‘infertile’, struggle a lot with having a child later on. What if op doesn’t find someone else? What if this is her only chance for a baby?
Regardless, she may want THIS baby. It’s like when women miscarry and they’re told “you’ll have another.” No, you’ll never have this baby again.
There are all sorts do families out there. Getting rid of a child you want because it’s not the perfect dad is terrible. It’s up to op.

Op is probably the most fertile she will ever be in her early twenties.

That is no reason to bring a child into this world & maybe subject them to years of drama when their father didnt want them in the first place.

I know no relationship is perfect & people split all the time, but to consciously bring child into the world when the above is known is cruel.

You have a sensible and equitable approach. This will not go down well here.

Yes!! This may be entirely true for the OP and she was using contraceptives anyway, but DD and I were discussing this after watching an episode of Teen Mum where no less than three of the girls claimed this. Surely doctors aren't telling this many young girls that they're completely infertile?! How common can this be?

This, I have a daughter with endo and it would be a no brainer.... we have friends who have recently spent 11 years trying because of endo and they've just conceived. You have to pick because men/relationships they come and go x

Good Luck xx it's hard being a mum but the rewards outweigh that xx

Because no contraception is 100% and sometimes nature finds a way? And we don't hear from the other 99.9% (or whatever) of people who are told they are barren for whom it proves true?

I wouldn’t terminate. If you do you will forever resent him, your relationship will be over anyway, and this could be your only chance at having a baby. Your relationship has more chance of surviving if you keep the baby. He may come round to the idea, especially once baby is born, but I’d prepare yourself for going it alone.

They were using contraception and had an agreement to terminate an accidental pregnancy. Keeping the baby is a unilateral decision so perhaps OP felt some kind of moral obligation to release him from parental responsibility.

@CeCe179 Despite what your partner is saying about supporting you, the likelihood of him leaving when the reality hits is quite high. Take care of yourself in this decision and do what feels right for you. Take him out of the equation and treat any support he provides you or the baby as a bonus.

I wholeheartedly agree. But she has to be practical now. Life is going to be very hard either way.
She doesn't want him to think she's terminating because he's effectively told her to, in not so many words. And bringing up a baby alone is so hard. My 5 mth old is refusing to seep today. I cannot convey how utterly fustrating it is and I am beginning to feel rage!

...."'your relationship has more chance of surviving if you keep the baby....."

What utter claptrap.

Second time tonight I'm going to take myself off a thread due to the nonsense spouted on here.

Whereas we have had unprotected sex for 12 years and only had a natural pregnancy last year which ended in miscarriage. Sounds like you are more fertile than us!

As this was unplanned this is the point where you need to look at the cold hard facts of raising a child. This isn't just a baby, this will be a toddler, a preschooler and a school aged child.

You need to consider the cost of childcare which is eye watering so research that immediately. Some places are lacking in childcare provision and it may become about where you work and how you will get to that childcare facility or childminder's house. When you say your family is supportive what does that mean in reality? Are they prepared to help with childcare on a regular basis? At your age of 24 are your parents still working full time? These are things to consider. Also long term what is the local school situation for primary?

You may also wish to look at what CMS will potentially provide for you, I use the word potentially, I have been on here way too long. Do not rely on it.

I also have endo and after meds and surgery was told I would need ivf and yet became pregnant. But I was married, older than you and we had already discussed children, finances, returning to work etc.

I have PCOS and only ovulate once or twice a year and DH has tetrozoospermia with 0.5% morphology... its not up for debate its simple fact that we ARE infertile.

Its also simple fact that in the 10 years of trying we got pregnant once and suffered a loss before IVF.

I'm not really sure why you felt the need to turn it into some competition that it took you 12 years and a loss instead of our 10 so you must be so much more infertile than us.

I was simply explaining the difference between infertile (with my real life example of infertile) and sterile and that neither mean doctors can say 'never will have kids'.

I agree it is a bit of a roulette wheel. Keep in mind as well that pregnancies can change your cycles and fertility. Women who have ivf the first time can experience a bit of a boost and get pregnant naturally the next time. Also, women are more fertile in their twenties anyway. I know someone who had an abortion in her twenties and then couldn't get pregnant in her late thirties when she wanted to. It's all anecdotal.

If you are sure you don't want a termination and are able to raise a child then it sounds like your decision has already been made.

Definitely don't say you won't ask for any financial contribution from the father though, there's no reason he shouldn't contribute towards his own child as well, even if you are in a very strong financial position.

On an aside, if you are in the less than 1% who can get pregnant on the pill then your fertility may be a lot higher than you may think, so may be worth keeping in mind for future relationships, depending on if you want more children.