I am unexpectantly pregnant, i want to keep the baby, my partner does not. I'm so confused!

[CeCe179]

Hi, i am totally unsure on how to start this, but here we go!

I am 24, and have only began what i would call my 'big girl' career a year and a half ago. I love my job and I love working. I was told at 18 it would be very unlikely i would ever fall pregnant due to Endometriosis and other fertility issues. I resigned myself to this, and focused completely on building my career and my personal life.

I have been with my partner for 9 months, and when we discussed if i was to un-expectantly fall pregnant I would terminate. I found out last week i was 4 weeks along, and was completely shocked. I went forward with booking in a termination, but since that appointment have had huge doubts about it, and have realized i want this child.

My partner has made it very clear he does not. I have said to him, I don't expect any help emotionally/physically/financially from him if i go forward with the pregnancy. He has said he couldn't leave me and would help, but its not what he wants.

We love each other very much and are in a kind respectful relationship. I do not want to 'trap him' or force him into anything he doesn't want.

I feel like either way I am loosing something, I am shocked that i don't want to terminate as i thought that is what i would want, but now i am in this position its not what i want.

I feel like am loosing something either way, may that be the relationship or the baby.

I feel so unprepared that it isn't the 'right' time, and that i may be sacrificing my career which is also important to me!

Honestly any advice is welcome!!

EDIT - We were using the contraceptive pill!

It wasn't meant to be. I think I thought you might OP false hope that she can get pregnant regularly enough like you despite infertility whereas I was just giving the alternative that yes this might be her only chance.

Not exactly the same situation, but DP and I found ourselves with a daughter 10 months into our relationship. I was 24 and DP was 27

Abortion wasn't an option, as we didn't find out she was pregnant until she went into labour.

Like you, DP gave me an out if I wanted it, which I did not take her up on.

We took it slow. For the six months or so, we had fortnightly "State of the relationship" talks. Making sure we definitely wanted to be together, and it wasn't just because we had a child together. Worked out living arrangements, how finances were going to work, whether we should get married etc.

Communication is key to actually making this work. We spent a few days both giving too much headspace to the thought of adoption, because we both thought thats what the other wanted, even though neither of us did.

It can work though. DD is now nearly 17, we've lived together as a family since she was 6 months old. We never got married, the commitment we already had was enough to be going on with!

Even if everything works out though, your life is going to change massively. We've been hugely out of sync with our friends for the last 17 years. We were stuck at home while they were out partying, and now we have our freedom they're stuck home with small children. Your finances will suffer. Maternity leave will affect your earning potential going forward, and kids are expensive. You will for a while at least be somewhat financially reliant on your partner.

Your life is going to be harder with this child than without, no matter whether your partner sticks around or not. Only you can decide whether it's worth it or not.

NO relationship is perfect. There is nothing cruel about this situation. You are being ridiculous.

I completely agree with you. It’s actually very hard to get pregnant even without fertility issues.

It's obviously your choice but if it was me I'd go ahead with the termination. In your initial conversation with your boyfriend you said that's what you'd do if you accidentally got pregnant.

You're so young and just starting out in life. You have plenty of time to meet someone new and enjoy having a baby in a loving relationship.

Whether you like it or not, you're limiting your career choices, future relationships and life opportunities if you go ahead with this pregnancy. I tell you this as a single parent. If I had my choice again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have gone ahead.

Get the 'it's my only chance of having a baby' out of your head. Think about where and how you want your life to go and only then make your decision.

A lot of people are pointing you towards UC... I can assure you, with a decent job and your own home, you will get NOTHING, so be prepared to really, really struggle if you have a baby now. The nursery fees alone will leave you with no disposable income and living off the cheapest did you can find. I know. I've done it.

*food not did.

You can claim UC with a mortgage.

@IVFmumoftwo I had a mortgage and decent job and got nothing... OP needs to understand that she may get nothing either. She needs the full facts of what her financial situation will be so she can make the right decision.

Okay. Well you had a decent job I guess but if she doesn't then having a mortgage won't prevent her from claiming. You just don't get help with it.

Don't get rid of the baby. You will regret it instantly and you will hate him and resent him. He will warm up to the idea, he will just have too! Once that procedure is done, take it from me...there is no going back

But the OP could have insisted on using a condom too? I think bickering about who’s to blame is a bit pointless after this stage. The only 100% guaranteed way to avoid pregnancy is to never have sex!

Under no circumstances choose abortion for anybody else, this is your body, your baby and your future. I stupidly let a man talk me into an abortion and I’ve regretted the decision every day since. Whatever decision you make is yours and both options are okay as long as you are okay with your choice.

Another way to look at it is, if you have an abortion, he could choose to leave anyway? Put the relationship issue to one side, what do you want? What is your choice? What makes you feel comfortable? Those are the only questions that matter.