I am unexpectantly pregnant, i want to keep the baby, my partner does not. I'm so confused!

[CeCe179]

Hi, i am totally unsure on how to start this, but here we go!

I am 24, and have only began what i would call my 'big girl' career a year and a half ago. I love my job and I love working. I was told at 18 it would be very unlikely i would ever fall pregnant due to Endometriosis and other fertility issues. I resigned myself to this, and focused completely on building my career and my personal life.

I have been with my partner for 9 months, and when we discussed if i was to un-expectantly fall pregnant I would terminate. I found out last week i was 4 weeks along, and was completely shocked. I went forward with booking in a termination, but since that appointment have had huge doubts about it, and have realized i want this child.

My partner has made it very clear he does not. I have said to him, I don't expect any help emotionally/physically/financially from him if i go forward with the pregnancy. He has said he couldn't leave me and would help, but its not what he wants.

We love each other very much and are in a kind respectful relationship. I do not want to 'trap him' or force him into anything he doesn't want.

I feel like either way I am loosing something, I am shocked that i don't want to terminate as i thought that is what i would want, but now i am in this position its not what i want.

I feel like am loosing something either way, may that be the relationship or the baby.

I feel so unprepared that it isn't the 'right' time, and that i may be sacrificing my career which is also important to me!

Honestly any advice is welcome!!

EDIT - We were using the contraceptive pill!

She’s entitled to change her mind. It’s her body and he has absolutely no say in it. If he doesn’t want the baby she has made it clear he doesn’t have to be involved. She wants her baby and that’s that. He had sex so therefore he took the risk of becoming a father

Yep.

the women I know whose careers took a step back did so out of choice.

they are nearly all married and have a DH in the picture to pick up the bills.

i would argue as a lone parent you can’t afford to let your career take a step back, as you have no one else to pick up the financial slack bar the state.

so you either forge ahead with your career and increase your earning potential, or if you choose to step back you’re constrained by UC and are limiting your income probably for the rest of your life.

i chose my career. Dh could have dropped dead or left at any point and I would still have been able to pay the mortgage and keep our lives at the same standard. Had I chosen to take a step back from my career I could not have supported is by myself.

When 2 people of the opposite sex are having sex even when using contraceptives pregnancy is always a possibility.

A man must accept responsibility for that if the woman does falls pregnant;I find it mind blowing that these men do not consider the physical and emotional effects on a woman when having a termination and treat it so casually.

A man can choose not to have anything to do with said child but he legally cannot walk away financially.

OP your boyfriend may find he likes being a dad and love his child.It sounds like he's shocked and in panic mode.

But be prepared if he decides he doesn't too;have a plan B.

I don't know any single mums with careers.

Where did the OP say her career would step back when she has this baby?

That doesn’t mean they don’t exist 🙄

Sounds like the baby would be loved and your family unit would be well supported emotionally and financially.
If that's by you and your own family and not necessarily you and your DP ... that's still loved and supported, which is what counts really.

If you have decided you want to carry on with the pregnancy, then please do as there is no going back from termination and it would probably destroy your relationship anyway as you would probably resent doing it.

Who cares? Why are you being such a vulture?

I think you need to look at this with the understanding that your relationship is over. If you abort it's over because you'll always resent him, if you keep it it's over because he doesn't want a child. I also think you need to accept that his current views around not leaving you and helping out of a sense of obligation are not rooted in reality. When baby is here and neither of you has had more than two hours sleep at a time in several weeks it will be nigh on impossible for him to stick to that. Hell, some men walk out on their children despite having wanted them before the birth because having a newborn in the home is really that difficult. If your partner doesn't want the baby then he's definitely not going to stick around.

Once you've got your head around both of those points and can assess the situation from there I think it'll become clearer.

Are the high powered career women who became single mums in their 20s in the room with us now?

"I don't know any single mums with careers"

🤣

I know loads of emergency services personnel who are single mothers

I would have thought the hours would make that particularly difficult to manage.

I think that is what that poster means ie why are doctors telling young women they will never have children. You never know. Perhaps tell young women it may be difficult to have children but no one really knows.

"I don't know any single mums with careers."

I do....your career might not progress as fast as someone who didn't become a single mum in their 20s but you will have time to catch up later when colleagues are having babies in their 30s and your DC is older!

This is a really difficult one. There have been threads on here recently from women who have been in a similar situation ie they want the baby and partner doesn't. One had a termination because of this and regretted it, resenting her partner. If you go down this path there's probably a large chance you might feel this way, especially if it's harder for you to get pregnant anyway.

Ask yourself... how much do you want this baby? Is there lots more you would want to do before you're tied down to a child? What about him - if there is still stuff he wants to do, would you support him to do that (to a reasonable extent) if you had the baby? Would he support you similarly? I know couples who still go off and do a lot independently as the other partner is happy to take charge for days/weeks at a time. Is he the sort of person who you would be able to coparent with if the relationship didn't work out?

I'm not sure there is ever really a perfect time to have a child, you just have to make the most of what happens.

"I would have thought the hours would make that particularly difficult to manage."

I didn't say anything about it being easy for them

@Covidian aborting would also be selfish. More selfish, you could argue 🙄

Also worth bearing in mind that he might feel differently a) when he has had a chance to adjust to the idea and b) when he meets the baby and gets to know them (if you were to go through with the pregnancy)

OP do keep your baby if you've changed your mind about a TOP.

Your child does deserve the financial support of its father, so don't decide that you won't want him to contribute. Even if you're in a good financial position yourself, you can put the child support into a savings account for your child.

Fathers are responsible for the children they create.

Also if you ever want a baby it’ll be a point in your life where your career may flag a bit. If you are younger then fine, because if anything you’re more confident when older and post kids so may do even better! Everyone is different and will work better in different ways. Having a child may even change your perspective or what’s important. We’re not all the same.

I think realistically your relationship is over either way, as having a termination you don’t want is a hard thing to come back from. So the question is whether you want the baby as a single mum. From your post it sounds like you do- it won’t be easy but many people do it and make a great success of it.

I’d encourage you to talk it though with someone IRL, either a friend or a counsellor, not your partner who obviously isn’t unbiased. Your post here has attracted some unhelpful derailers.

O/p didn’t.

If your read the full quote i was referring to pp who stated a lone parent will need to step back from their career, and many careers you can’t manage as a single parent.