Grad thread: TTC after loss carry on

[Wise0wl]

Hello all,

I just thought I'd set up a grad thread from our TTC threads, now there are quite a few people with their bfps so that we can keep in touch, and there's a forum for those on their TTC journey to check in with us!

I've sifted through the previous threads so think this is a reasonably full list:

*@SnookyPook
*@wyto
*@Aaliyahrae
*@SunSparkle
*@graceinc22
*@Gem0302
*@Bali200
*@Oxalis00
*@GeorgeR28
*@CluelessInLondon
*@HerbaceousPerennial
*@NphysT
*@GoldDustWoman90

I'd love to hear where you all are in your journey. I am approx 4 +2 (so very early!), after two MMCs. Feeling remarkably relaxed as, although I like a plan, I've resigned myself to the fact that there's little I can do to alter the fate of this pregnancy so until later down the line, I just sort of have to roll with it.

@CluelessInLondon @Bugdem123 sending lots of love as you navigate those original due dates. A bit like @Wise0wl I actually found passing the date to be quite a relief. It was like I'd been so conscious of it looming, and what it signified it was quite a relief in the end to get past it. I also didn't get to do anything meaningful on the day as by cruel twist of fate I was in having my third loss confirmed literally on the due date. It was a real sliding doors moment having to walk past the birthing centre 🥺

This week I have the anniversary of finding out about the MMC coming up which has also felt really poignant. I also felt weirdly superstitious about getting beyond it, even though this pregnancy is already so much further on. I was feeling a bit weirded out about getting to that date again however thankfully little man has started moving quite a bit more the last few days which is nice and reassuring.

Just in from the cinema. Just going to gently suggest that anyone who has anxieties around childbirth etc might want to give First Omen a miss for now! Thankfully I was ok but my hubby did lean over at one point and say "I'm so sorry, I had no idea it would have all this in it!!" I do think some films should contemplate warnings for certain groups. I know a few on the loss boards found Dune 2 quite tough too. Anywhoo, hope everyone is doing ok!

@Bugdem123 @CluelessInLondon sending big hugs to you both. My due date is not long either - 22nd so looks like we’re all fairly close. I thought it was just me, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’d be on mat leave now and it’s making me very resentful and angry I’m not, then I feel bad because if I was I wouldn’t be pregnant with this one, and I’m so glad to be pregnant with this one. It’s very complicated and in my head it’s another milestone for this pregnancy, which feels strange. But they do feel curiously linked, I don’t know if that’s bad or not? Thanks @SnookyPook @Wise0wl for sharing how you felt about it, that is a big comfort. @SnookyPook that sounds so awful for your due date, I’m so sorry. I am not looking forward to my MMC anniversary. I’m glad you’re starting to feel movements - my midwife called my son disco baby he was so wiggly which always made me laugh and I hope your wee boy sees you through it and make the day a bit easier. Also thanks for the film warning!

@Wise0wl 12 week scan is 3 and a bit weeks away, I rang with my new dates from the private scan and they moved it. I could have cried on the phone as technically I was within the window so they could have insisted it stayed where it was, and the idea of waiting until I was 13+5 for it was torture! But the lady on the phone was a delight and just sorted it there and then.

Nausea back tonight - possibly exacerbated by the bowl of custard I thought was a good idea 🤦🏻‍♀️ it was fine last night!

@Liz2681 Good luck for your scan today. ❤️

@Wise0wl @SnookyPook Thank you both for sharing how you felt when you reached your due dates. I think for me it feels like a strange mix of emotions because I want to mark the date and remember the little one that we lost, but I don't want thoughts and feelings about my past loss to completely dominate this pregnancy (although it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say I think about that lost baby every day). I'm trying to see it as a step in the process of starting a family - that baby just wasn't meant to be but hopefully this one is, and it was that lost baby that helped to lay the foundations for it. We've decided to take Monday off work and go out for the day, just to the coast for a walk and lunch, to give us some headspace that we wouldn't otherwise have if we were at work.

@HerbaceousPerennial Glad you were able to get your scan moved, and I hope the nausea is a bit better this morning!

It is very odd isn't it, still mourning the lost baby but also knowing that our little rainbow now will come along and we won't be able to imagine life without them... And we'd have never met if that other pregnancy had worked out. I think for me, knowing those other pregnancies just weren't viable has helped. The loss was more the potential and the grief for the could-have-beens and this new pregnancy is now fulfilling those. So whoever this little person is who joins our family, it could never have been anyone else. If that makes any kind of sense. 🤔😊

Thank you everyone for your lovely well wishes.

Unfortunately, not great news following the scan. Although they saw progress and both sacs now have yolk sacs, they still saw no fetal poles or heartbeats in either sac (I should be 8w4d, based on ovulation tracking and BBT monitoring). We're devastated.

I've been booked in for another repeat scan in two weeks, to see if there's more progress. Although the nurse and sonographer said being behind isn't uncommon and it might be fine, I'm just not holding out any hope now as being this behind seems unlikely. Just preparing myself for the worst 💔

@Liz2681 oh I'm sorry it wasn't more reassuring for you. It's really tough to be left in limbo still as well. I appreciate the nurse and sonographer not wanting to rule anything out but sometimes it's almost more cruel being left with hope isn't it. Although it is good there has been some progression you would think at over 8 weeks you'd be seeing more wouldn't you. I absolutely get where you're coming from. Do twin pregnancies sometimes start out slower etc or is there a chance your tracking was out? Sending you lots of love. 💗

@Liz2681 I'm so sorry that you haven't had the positive news you were hoping for and that you're stuck now waiting for another scan without having certainty about what's happening. I don't know an awful lot about twin pregnancies but I hope the fact that there has been progress since last time might be a good sign and they are just slow to get going. I know there's not much anybody can say to make the next couple of weeks more bearable for you, but please look after yourself and you know there is support for you here whenever you need it. ❤

This makes perfect sense. For me, the decision to try and start a family was such a big one and took such a long time to decide what to do, the thing that the loss did was really crystallise for me that it was the right choice and make me certain I wanted to try again - so that's a really big thing that that little bean did for me, even though it wasn't the one that was meant to be. I think maybe that's the thing I most want to reflect on when the date comes around on Monday - I almost feel as though without that first baby, perhaps this one would never have existed.

Thank you @SnookyPook @CluelessInLondon. The limbo for the next two weeks is going to be really hard but I'm going to try to focus on self care, distraction and just getting on with life and prepare myself for whatever comes next.

I don't know if twins + tilted uterus makes things harder to see at this stage, but I think I read somewhere the tilted uterus might affect what can be seen on an ultrasound. My dates may be a few days out, but two weeks seems like so much.

Ultimately we don't know where we'll end up, but thank you all for being so lovely 🩷

Oh @Liz2681 I am so sorry to hear this. Waiting is not my forte, I hope you have a good balance of time to process and distraction, and good support around you x

I have another question for you all - I didn’t register with my maternity hospital until yesterday as I felt like step one was getting past that scan. I’ve been offered my booking in appointment when I’ll be 11+1.

I do understand in some ways as I’m away the week before, so it’d have to be either 9 weeks or 11, and given I’ve not got past 10 weeks on the previous two pregnancies I can see some logic in booking my 10 week scan at 11 weeks, and then having the booking appointment after that.

But the NHS website says Your first midwife appointment (also called the booking appointment) should happen before you're 10 weeks pregnant. This is because you'll be offered some tests that should be done before 10 weeks.

Anyone know what these tests are that should be done before 10 weeks?

@Wise0wl From memory, they take blood and urine sample... Maybe the check for rhesus negative blood?! However, never heard of a 10wk time limit on this. My first pregnancy was during lockdown and I didn't physically see anyone until my 12wk scan when they did everything in one go. My booking appointment was over the phone. So I'm not aware of anything time critical at that point? I know combined screening has to be between 11 and 14wks, that was the only thing I was aware of.

@Wise0wl I think it's the sickle cell and thalassaemia tests that are supposed to be done before 10 weeks. I think the only reason for that is so they can offer more testing/interventions early if needed so having bloods a week or two later probably isn't going to make that much difference - and I think the sickle cell screen is only for higher risk patients anyway so you might not need to have that at all.

Thanks @CluelessInLondon and @SnookyPook and you’re right, my DC was a Covid baby and I also just had one appointment at around 12 weeks. I hope they can fit my 12 week scan in without a big delay though (if I get to that point, that is 🤞)

@Wise0wl My hospital booked my dating scan before my booking appointment had taken place - might yours do the same thing?

@SnookyPook @Wise0wl thank you so much for sharing you've found your previous due dates. That must have been so difficult Snooks, I honestly can't imagine. I've been really dreading the day but you've both made me feel better about it.

@Wise0wl I should probably have picked something like bake off but I've went for re-watching greys anatomy from the start so if nothing else, I'm finding crying at that cathartic 😅.

@CluelessInLondon that sounds like a lovely way to mark the day. I haven't decided what to do yet, I'm off work my husband can't get the leave so I might just have a little day pottering about and go for a nice walk.

@HerbaceousPerennial I really relate to the mix of feelings. I feel so sad that the due date is coming up, but probably not as sad as I would have been had I not been pregnant which is making me feel guilty and like I've replaced them. I'm also delighted I'm pregnant but also terrified about whether it's all progressing okay. It's so hard to feel so many different strong emotions all at the one time!

@Liz2681 I'm so sorry, I hope you're looking after yourself and are able to find something comforting to do to pass the time.

@Liz2681 I’m so sorry things aren’t looking good. We’re all here for you to talk to whenever you like. The waiting is torture. Self care and distraction sound like a good plan, I’m wishing the days away for you so you have some clarity either way.

@SnookyPook you always put things so beautifully! This is actually what my mum says about my brother and you’re right, our family just wouldn’t be our family without him so it’s weird to think there could ever have been any other person.

@Wise0wl when I spoke to my community midwives they basically said as long as booking appointment is before scan it doesn’t really matter. I know they try and see people as close to 8 weeks as possible here but I think that’s purely for support and so they can give any health advice early doors. Mine’s not until 10 weeks if it’s any comfort what with the due date shifts, but that’s next week now which feels so bizarre. I find the booking systems in other areas mad, here you just call a central booking line and they arrange your booking in appointment and 12 week scan there and then. It’s great because they make sure it’s on a day/time you’re actually free and there’s none of this being left in limbo about when appointments are. It’s beyond me why anywhere does it any differently!

@Bugdem123 it’s such a maelstrom of emotions isn’t it. No wonder I keep bursting into tears! Do you think you’ll get another scan? I was debating it but it’s only 3 weeks until my 12 week one and I weirdly feel now like if something has gone wrong, I want to just live in ignorance for a bit longer. I feel so pregnant that even if I’m not any more I’d actually rather not know I think. Probably compounded by the fact my 12 week scan is down the corridor from the EPU and I actually feel weirdly safe in the EPU so it’s almost comforting be to know I’d be in the right place if it’s bad news

Sorry that last message was a mad stream of consciousness! Clearly processing there

Morning - thank you for those of you who have reassured about the booking appointment, it’s really helpful 💕

I had a bit of an off day the past couple of days with a headache and some very mild cramping and total exhaustion. Of course (naturally) I’m worried it means that something’s wrong with my pregnancy as I felt similar in December, so am trying to keep my head in check.

Another friend just announced their pregnancy (before 12 weeks which now I can’t get my head around) and it’s given me that bottom-dropping-out-my-stomach sort of feeling, which has taken me by surprise. I thought because I am pregnant that I’d feel ok about it, but it makes the stakes of my pregnancy feel higher (and a bit worried to lose that friend if it goes wrong like I’ve lost others I still can’t really be around yet). God this is such a rollercoaster!

Thinking of you today @CluelessInLondon 🩷

Thinking of you @CluelessInLondon 💕

Sending love @CluelessInLondon.

Today is the anniversary of finding out about my MMC last year. For some reason I'd got quite superstitious about the date, even though I'm so much further on this year, but not helped by waking in the night and not feeling little man moving. I was awake for about an hour and went to a bit of a dark place in my head. After dropping my son at nursery this morning I popped into my midwife base which is along the route home. They kindly listened in for me. Little man was hiding a bit but was there and his heart sounded strong. Towards the end he even kicked the Doppler a couple of times for good measure. Feeling relieved.

I'm 23wks today. Whilst I'm doing so much better in general and feeling much more confident now about this pregnancy there are still moments when those previous losses just rise up and cloud my thoughts. Just a reminder to us all to be gentle with ourselves. Were putting ourselves through a lot mentally! 💗

Sending love today @SnookyPook. All these dates stick don’t they? I’m so pleased your midwives were able to listen for you and give you that reassurance for now.

You’re right about us putting ourselves through a lot mentally, It feels like this pregnancy has lasted months already not just 7 weeks.

@SnookyPook thinking of you today too. It's funny how certain dates will always have significance to us now. I'm glad you were able to get reassurance this morning.

@Wise0wl how are you doing?

@Bugdem123 for the most part I’m doing ok thanks 💕 but there’s a panicked little bit of me that I’m struggling to keep contained all the time that keeps worrying about how I didn’t feel great a few days ago and my boobs hurt less and questioning if my nausea is still the same as last week. But I’m trying to keep that in check!

How about you?