Grad thread: TTC after loss carry on

[Wise0wl]

Hello all,

I just thought I'd set up a grad thread from our TTC threads, now there are quite a few people with their bfps so that we can keep in touch, and there's a forum for those on their TTC journey to check in with us!

I've sifted through the previous threads so think this is a reasonably full list:

*@SnookyPook
*@wyto
*@Aaliyahrae
*@SunSparkle
*@graceinc22
*@Gem0302
*@Bali200
*@Oxalis00
*@GeorgeR28
*@CluelessInLondon
*@HerbaceousPerennial
*@NphysT
*@GoldDustWoman90

I'd love to hear where you all are in your journey. I am approx 4 +2 (so very early!), after two MMCs. Feeling remarkably relaxed as, although I like a plan, I've resigned myself to the fact that there's little I can do to alter the fate of this pregnancy so until later down the line, I just sort of have to roll with it.

@SnookyPook yes I’m in the group! I’m A.G. (due 11th Aug). Such a nice group x

Aw lovely 🥰 I'm H.W. due 12th! Yes it is a lovely group. Really nice bunch of women. X

@Bugdem123 Everything you have said is totally understandable, I was the same in the early weeks - fluctuating between reminding myself that I had no reason to suppose anything was wrong and then the next minute being convinced something must have gone wrong and I'd have to go through the whole experience of a miscarriage again. I think you have to let yourself have the worries when they bubble up, then give yourself the reminder again that as far as you know, everything is fine. My husband was really good at helping me with that - he was anxious about the possibility of another MC as well, but he was really good at calming me down when I was worrying.

@Liz2681 That's really helpful advice, thank you! I am definitely prepared to make life awkward if I come out of the restructure without a job, and I've been reading some of the information on the ACAS website about it as well. It's quite frustrating as I don't actually really even like where I work now and would be looking to leave otherwise, but the idea of losing my job a few weeks before having a baby is pretty terrifying!

A question for those of you who are further on than I am, or who have done this all before - how do you manage the early second trimester "limbo" where it feels like not much is happening? I feel like I'm in a really weird space at the moment where I don't feel very pregnant because the symptoms I had have mostly gone (and I didn't have really bad symptoms to begin with) and I don't look obviously pregnant (I've got the early beginnings of a little bump but it could easily be mistaken for a bit of normal weight gain) - it's prompting some worries that maybe nothing is happening, baby has stopped growing etc. Any advice on managing that worry? I know logically that the chances of something going wrong after the dating scan are really small and things are probably fine, but it's really strange knowing I'm pregnant but not particularly looking or feeling like I am! I think it's also amplified by the fact that I'm now telling people so anything that goes wrong now is "public" in a way that an early loss isn't. Advice/thoughts/suggestions gratefully received.

Morning! Just an update that I’ve got a scan at EPU on Wednesday. I am so so nervous but as I’m only 6+1 today felt very early, and tomorrow is full of meetings, so Wednesday it is 🤞 hope you’re all doing ok.

Thanks @HerbaceousPerennial - we're really excited that we may end up with twins, but the midwife was really cautious and made it clear that one of the sacs may not develop, so we're trying to stay level headed about it. Part of me is also a bit concerned because my symptoms aren't what I would have expected with twins - I get bouts of nausea here and there (but haven't actually been sick), I'm always thirsty, and my sleep has been awful, but not any more (I don't think) than a singleton pregnancy. It's hard to say though as I've never made it this far in a pregnancy, so don't have much to compare it to! I wouldn't let the lack of sickness worry you too much to be honest - it seems everyone has peaks and troughs at different points! I'm finding my nausea is a lot worse when I don't hydrate very well so I am now perpetually attached to my water bottle 😆

@CluelessInLondon yup sounds incredibly stressful, and the last thing you need when you're preparing for a new arrival! The ACAS website is a really good resource for this sort of stuff, and will have all sorts of advice on escalating things if you need to. It's also a risk for employers not to follow ACAS guidance, as it could lead to up to a 25% uplift in damages against them if you were to ever go down the employment tribunal route. Hopefully it won't come to that, and you'll have your job by the end of it, but worth knowing nonetheless!

@CluelessInLondon not sure I have any overly helpful advice.... It is a really surreal time and not helped by the fact the 20wk scan feels so far away! I think best advice is to do things to try and bond a bit more with the pregnancy now you're on slightly surreal footing. I find journalling helpful. Also, take time to enjoy and nourish the pregnancy if you can - look up some prenatal yoga videos on YouTube, look up some nice recipes... Just try to feel in a good headspace with it. I did find the pregnancy suddenly sped up around 14wks and it definitely helps when bump starts to pop more and you start feeling little movements. Ultimately though, as with so much of TTC and pregnancy... It just comes down to patience!! ❤️

Haha surreal should have been 'surer' butaybe surreal works better 😂

@SnookyPook I definitely didn't think "surreal" was a typo, it's a very good summary of where I'm at in this stage of pregnancy. 😂

@CluelessInLondon no advice for after loss but with my son in the second trimester I started doing things like booking NCT classes (if that’s your sort of thing), thinking about what I’d do with the nursery, names etc. And like @SnookyPook suggests just sort of bump bonding stuff. I really enjoyed doing all that sort of stuff but it may be different after loss, I guess I’ll find out too! It’s probably a bit pre-emptive but I was very bonded to my bump but really struggled to bond with my son when he actually arrived. I only say that because at the time it really, really upset me and I felt like the worst mother in the world - I expected that ‘rush’ of mother love when he was born and it was very much a slow burn instead. But we have an incredible bond now and I wish I’d worried less about when I did or didn’t feel bonded.

@Liz2681 your symptoms sound incredibly similar to mine! Nausea returned with a vengeance today and I’ve been totally wiped out. Agree staying hydrated really helps. That and making sure I don’t ever get really hungry - handbag is full of snacks, my toddler has worked this out and I have to watch he doesn’t raid it when I’m not looking. He does usually ask if he finds one to be fair! Hard not to get excited about twins so fingers crossed it all works out but like you say it is common for one sac to not develop unfortunately

@Wise0wl good luck at your scan today 🩷

@HerbaceousPerennial oh no! That's terrible. I've been waking up with nausea over the last couple of days, but it's likely due to an empty stomach. Snacks are a really good idea - I need to get into the habit of keeping these in my bag and around the house, because sometimes we'll be out and about and it just comes out of nowhere.

Ultrasound tomorrow and woke up with so much anxiety. Breathing exercises seem to help, but I think until it's over and done with and we can see a heartbeat(s) I don't think it'll get much better. Luckily have a busy day at work today which I'm hoping keeps my mind off things.

@Wise0wl best of luck with the scan today! Keeping everything crossed for you 🤞🏼

Hope everyone else is doing well xx

Thank you @Bugdem123 & @Liz2681 💕 it’s not until midday so the next few hours are going to drag!

Aw hope all goes well @Wise0wl! Hopefully midday will come round quickly for you 💗

@Liz2681 hope work keeps you suitably occupied today and that all goes well tomorrow for you 💕

@Wise0wl Thinking of you today, really hope all goes well later. ❤

You are a lovely, lovely bunch 💕

Cautiously positive that all looks well, one embryo measuring 6+1 (LMP makes me 6+3) with a heartbeat. Onwards to another scan in a fortnight 🤞

@Wise0wl That's great news - hopefully gives you some reassurance for the time being?

@Wise0wl amazing news 🩷

How is everyone getting on?

Thanks @CluelessInLondon & @Bugdem123. It was the lovely nurse who scanned me who was there for both my MVAs, and we agreed that what happens with this pregnancy is already written in the stars so we can just think about the next step which will be my 8 week scan 🤞

@Wise0wl I'm so glad to hear this! Must have been so reassuring 🩷 It can be so comforting having the same nurse - I did at my last ultrasound and it was just nice seeing a familiar face!

@Wise0wl lovely news - one hurdle crossed 👍🏼🙏🏼🌈

@Wise0wl so glad to hear this. Must have been a big relief and glad you got a friendly face too. How are you feeling? Another milestone ticked off!

@Bugdem123 alright here thanks, absolutely knackered though. Midwife appointment next week which I’m looking forward to and counting down the days until 12 week scan. How are things for you?

@Liz2681 good luck for tomorrow, will be thinking of you. Is it private or EPU? Hope all goes well. Snacks are the answer for nausea! If nothing else it tends to cheer me up a bit. I’m better today, but I have taken things pretty slowly

@Liz2681 good luck for the scan tomorrow 🩷

@HerbaceousPerennial that's good you're not feeling as nauseous today. That's exciting that your midwife appointment is close!

I'm a bit emotional today. It's a week until the due date from my loss and between thatand the worry about this baby, I'm feeling a wee bit overwhelmed. I didn't sleep very well the past few nights so I'm shattered which isn't helping. Going to have an early night and hope tomorrow is a better day.

@Bugdem123 Good plan to get some rest and see how you feel tomorrow. It is a total emotional rollercoaster even without adding in the dodgy sleep and upcoming reminder of previous loss. Are you planning to do anything to mark your original due date? Mine is on Monday and it's hard to know how to feel about it - I really hope that on the day I will be able to reflect on the journey over the last few months and feel optimistic for the future, rather than just feeling sad.

Thanks everyone! Today's flown by, now hope I can get a decent night sleep (unlikely!). At least my scan's in the morning so won't have to wait too long.

@HerbaceousPerennial it's at the EPU. They did a scan at 6 weeks but couldn't see heartbeats (I also have an inverted uterus which can make it harder to see).

@Bugdem123 sorry it's been a difficult day 😞 anniversaries can be so hard to cope with, and the mixed emotions that come from being pregnant again. An early night will certainly help 🩷

@HerbaceousPerennial I’m doing ok thanks! I know symptoms don’t really guarantee anything but I was pleasantly reassured when I was nearly sick at the train station yesterday morning and had to buy some emergency biscuits! How long til your 12 week scan?

@Bugdem123 I’m so sorry you’re having a tough day. It’s completely understandable. Without meaning to minimise my first loss I found the anticipation of the due date much harder than the day itself, and I was relieved it was over. I’d built everything up but finally felt like I could breathe again afterwards. I’ve taken solace in very soothing TV programmes. Antiques Roadshow anyone? Some Mary Berry? For a long time I’ve not had the emotional capacity for anything that I need to invest in emotionally or need to think hard about. It’s been surprisingly helpful.

Good luck for tomorrow @Liz2681, let us know how it goes 🤞