Grad thread: TTC after loss carry on

[Wise0wl]

Hello all,

I just thought I'd set up a grad thread from our TTC threads, now there are quite a few people with their bfps so that we can keep in touch, and there's a forum for those on their TTC journey to check in with us!

I've sifted through the previous threads so think this is a reasonably full list:

*@SnookyPook
*@wyto
*@Aaliyahrae
*@SunSparkle
*@graceinc22
*@Gem0302
*@Bali200
*@Oxalis00
*@GeorgeR28
*@CluelessInLondon
*@HerbaceousPerennial
*@NphysT
*@GoldDustWoman90

I'd love to hear where you all are in your journey. I am approx 4 +2 (so very early!), after two MMCs. Feeling remarkably relaxed as, although I like a plan, I've resigned myself to the fact that there's little I can do to alter the fate of this pregnancy so until later down the line, I just sort of have to roll with it.

Thank you @CluelessInLondon @Bali200 and @Bugdem123

@CluelessInLondon do you have to see/spend time with your ILs that much? Since my MMCs I’ve also given myself permission to opt out of more, it’s really helped my MH!

@Bugdem123 well done for getting yours booked in! How far along will you be on 27th April? I am going to be brave and call EPU and register with the hospital tomorrow (but by the time I’d decided that today they were closed 😂)

@Wise0wl I'll be 7+1, I should have probably waited another week but I couldn't help myself haha. You can do it 🩷 I don't know why I found it so hard to do but I did feel really proud of myself after so hopefully you will too!

@CluelessInLondon that sounds infuriating with the midwives! They don’t seem to be well organised in general - my local NHS trust have a ‘gold standard’ policy for midwifery and I’ve been particularly lucky with my local midwives (I’ve had the same one for all of my pregnancies, at my request), but even still friends under the same trust have had all sorts of admin problems. But when the chips are down they have come through and been brilliant. Hopefully yours will sort themselves out but it does undermine your confidence somewhat to get off to a bad start.

Relating hard on the work front as well, it’s a fairly high pressure environment at the best of times. Mine are seriously pissing me off and it’s on the tip of my tongue to tell them I just can’t deal with them all and they can sort themselves out, I’ve got more important things to worry about. Keep telling myself it’s just pregnancy rage and I do need them to not fire me before I get my mat leave (which they’ve reduced since I had my miscarriage which is also not helping my motivation).

@Wise0wl it does feel like a big deal to ring up, I agree. I got in a right state calling for my booking appointment and then they didn’t answer! But once I’d done it, I felt loads better. It’s a bit of a milestone in itself to call the EPU I think. We’re all cheering you on!

@Wise0wl We don't see my in laws that often - both sets of parents live up north so we only see each of them around 3 times a year. We chat on Facetime every week or two and then it's just ad hoc stuff on WhatsApp etc. I think I just want to knock some of these annoying behaviours on the head early so that they don't become completely infuriating over the next 6 months. Maybe once we're able to tell people it will be better as they can talk to other people about it rather than banging on about it to us whenever we're in touch with them! I'm going to call the antenatal unit today to try and find out what's going on with my combined screening results, as it's nearly 2 weeks since my scan and there's been no sign of them...

Good luck for calling EPU today, I hope they can get you booked in for an early scan and it gives you a bit of a sense of progress and something to work towards. ❤

@HerbaceousPerennial Sorry to hear that work is rubbish for you too - that's frustrating that your work has reduced the amount of mat leave you will get. It definitely feels like the world of work is stacked against helping women to have jobs and raise children at the same time. My work is doing a big restructure at the moment where I'm going to have to reapply for my job and there aren't enough jobs to go around, and I genuinely don't have faith in them to treat me fairly - the new structure will come into effect around the time I'm due to go on mat leave so I am really concerned I'll either get a job I don't want or they'll make me redundant because it's inconvenient to have to arrange maternity cover straight away.

@HerbaceousPerennial have your work cut down your mat leave because of time off you had for the MC?! Is that even legal? Alternatively, they've changed a policy on Maternity Leave after knowing that you must be trying (because you sadly had a loss)?! Either way I would seek some legal advice... That doesn't sound right to me at all! Were you signed off for your MC? I had a sick note for up to a month and used 2 weeks but nothing has ever been said by work about that coming out of subsequent Mat Leave provision??! Across my 3 losses and appointments etc I must have lost close to a month of work and nothing has ever been said ..

@CluelessInLondon hope you got through to the antenatal department and it was good news. That’s a nightmare with work, I’ve had to reapply for my job before and honestly I found it very demoralising - surely your bosses know how well you’re doing? Hopefully you get a good job out of it but if not don’t be afraid to negotiate hard on your new role or redundancy package - a friend of mine was made redundant just before she went on mat leave (a baby after loss as well) and she made the argument they needed to cover her mat leave plus redundancy as it would be much harder for her to get a new role after mat leave. They offered a significantly enhanced package. But it would be nice if companies weren’t dicks and didn’t do this sort of thing to pregnant women.

@SnookyPook i worded that really badly, sorry! It was a case of unfortunate timing with them announcing a change in policy 2 weeks after I came back after my miscarriage, not them penalising me. I did have a bit of a meltdown about it though, I found out in a team meeting which was not ideal. My last pregnancy would have qualified for the better package but I’ve missed it with this one, by about 6 weeks. My boss is trying to make the argument to HR that I should get it but I don’t think he’ll win. I appreciate his effort though. And to be fair work were brilliant about the miscarriage. I had three weeks off in the end and weekly follow-ups at the hospital and they were nothing but supportive.

@HerbaceousPerennial oh phew! Glad you've got great support. Such a shame they changed the package though and you're now potentially worse off. Really hope your boss manages to convince them of your unique and deserving circumstances.

@HerbaceousPerennial I would love to be able to drive a hard bargain around redundancy etc. but unfortunately I work for the NHS so there's not much negotiating to be done on stuff like that! I'm fully prepared to make life really awkward for them if I don't have a job at the end of this process though, to make sure that any decisions made have nothing to do with me being pregnant. It does make me feel quite vulnerable though, and just adds to the stress which I could do without!

I called the antenatal unit earlier and the receptionist said he would get someone from the screening team to call me back "in 10 minutes or so". That was 3 and a half hours ago, so I'm not really holding out that much hope! I'm going to try them again before the end of the day though - it's so frustrating, I'm hoping no news is good news but for all I know they lost my bloods and haven't done the tests, I have literally no way of knowing.

@CluelessInLondon I missed your previous comment about screening. I hadn't heard my results in two weeks and rang. I wasn't too worried as they'd said I'd get a phonecall within 3 days if high risk and a letter within 2 weeks if all fine. But like you, I suddenly panicked in case they'd not been done at all. When I rang, the midwife could see they should have got to me days earlier and must have been lost in the post (that was the story anyway!) - she gave me all the results there and then and reposted the letter which I got a couple of days later. Sure yours will be something similar ❤️

Chased up with antenatal and finally got a call back! Low risk results on all of the trisomy screening, which is such a relief and I actually feel as though I can share the news with people now. Annoyingly, they won't send me a new copy of the results in case they get lost in the post (yet they send them out by post in the first place knowing they might get lost...) and they won't give me the exact numbers over the phone in case they misread them or I mishear it, so all they would tell me was "low risk".

@CluelessInLondon great news! But that is frustrating they wouldn't resend or give details on phone! Will you just be given the letter at your 16wk appointment then? Anyway, it's irrelevant now that you know low risk 🙏🏼👍🏼

@SnookyPook They said next time I'm in the antenatal clinic they'll print a copy off for me - I'm not due to be there again until the 20 week scan as my 16 week appointment is at my GP practice so I guess I'll just wait until then, unless it eventually shows up in the post!

@CluelessInLondon great news about the screening! So annoying you had to chase them so much though. Are you going to start telling more people or wait a bit longer do you think? Ah yes I didn’t think about public sector, definitely not well known for negotiation. Hopefully they’ll assign you a great role 🤞 the waiting to find out is always a nightmare, definitely not what’s needed right now.

@SnookyPook thanks, I hope so! But given they’ve done it as a cost cutting exercise I’m not holding my breath. It’s still a reasonable package but DH isn’t working at the moment so I’m a bit twitchy as I think it may mean I’ll have to go back earlier than I’d like. Never mind.

@Wise0wl how are you getting on? Hope you are feeling ok

@HerbaceousPerennial We have told people now - I'm 15 weeks today so I don't think we really wanted to keep it to ourselves for any longer after knowing since the end of January and telling almost nobody! You can pretty much guarantee that my in laws have probably told everyone in their town now that they've been given permission to talk about it. 😂

@Wise0wl How did you get on yesterday? Did you manage to speak to the EPU?

Hope everyone else is doing okay today and has some nice weekend plans!

Hello and thank you for thinking of me @HerbaceousPerennial & @CluelessInLondon!

After psyching myself up to call them I had one of those rare wonderful days with DS yesterday, and time ran away with me and I completely forgot. I’ve found it really hard that TTC and pregnancy loss has taken so much of my consciousness and have felt so guilty for not feeling fully ‘present’ for DS, but yesterday was just lovely, and we had a really nice day out, and I felt fully present.

So calling EPU is Monday’s job, when I’ll be 6+1. I did do the CB weeks test and got 3+ yesterday morning, which I know isn’t scientific, but feels like a positive sign nonetheless.

@CluelessInLondon i can’t believe you’re 15 weeks already! That’s seems to have flown by? And great news about your screening too ❤️

@HerbaceousPerennial it’s quite unusual for companies nowadays to be reducing mat leave entitlement! What do they offer now?

@Wise0wl That's lovely that you managed to have a nice day with your little one - I think there's a lot to be said for being able to totally distract yourself and not be thinking constantly about being pregnant, especially in those anxious early weeks. It sounds like you are feeling really good after it and that's so important - a call to EPU can wait a couple of days, they'll still be there on Monday! It's great that you got the 3+ on the digital test as well, I know it's not an exact science but there is something nice about seeing it and it definitely gives a bit of reassurance that things are moving in the right direction at least.

It is crazy to be 15 weeks already, on the one hand it feels like yesterday that we found out and on the other it feels like I've been pregnant in secret for ages!

@Wise0wl thanks for making this thread! And hello everyone!!

22 weeks tomorrow with a little boy and feeling really good, but a bit tired 😂

@graceinc22 I'm 22wks on Monday! Are you in the August due date group too? Also a little boy on the way and also quite tired! Feel the tiredness and appetite have ramped up again the last few days - hoping little one is having a much needed growth spurt!! 💙

Hi everyone, mind if I join? I've seen some of you on other threads previously; I had a Mumsnet break after my last MC in November, so it's so wonderful to come back and see you all proceeding with your pregnancies and all going well!

I'm 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow. We had an early scan at 6 weeks, where they told us it was twins! They couldn't see heartbeats yet though as they said it was too early so have a rescan on Thursday. So nervous and hoping it all works out. Still super nervous but after two MCs this is the furthest we've ever gotten, so cautiously optimistic 😊 how's everyone getting on?

Thanks @CluelessInLondon ❤️ if I’m being really honest, although I recognise going for an early scan (necessary as I need more progesterone!) is one of my ‘milestones’ for this pregnancy, I still experience flashbacks to the pause when they’re trying to locate a heartbeat and am absolutely dreading it. But yesterday helped!

@graceinc22 lovely to hear from you, and that is lovely news! How are you feeling?

@Liz2681 oh wow! I have everything crossed for your scan next week 🤞I am nervously 5+6 and likely having an early scan next week too.

@graceinc22 Congratulations on your little boy, glad you are feeling okay!

@Liz2681 Nice to see you here, and congratulations - wow, twins as well! Keeping everything crossed for your follow-up scan that you see things progressing.

@Liz2681 welcome and lovely news from your first scan! Everything crossed for you to that all goes well on Thursday! ❤️❤️

@CluelessInLondon congratulations on the low risk results but what a faff trying to get them! That's lovely you've been able to tell people now. Hopefully the process of re-applying for your job isn't too stressful.

@HerbaceousPerennial that's so unfair that your work are reducing the maternity entitlement, and unusual - you normally hear of companies going the other way just now! Is it much worse?

@Wise0wl your Friday sounds lovely 🥰

My AF is officially late now, which feels like a big milestone somehow. I felt really positive yesterday without trying but feeling a bit more anxious today. It's like I have these competing voices in my head going "it's going to be fine, you're pregnant today, everything is doing what it should" and the other going "what if it happens again, what if it's happening now and you don't know, how are you going to cope". I suppose I just need to take each day as it comes.

Hope you're all having a lovely weekend 🩷

Thanks everyone- really nervous, but I think I read someone say on here that ultimately what will be has more or less been decided in the babies' DNA, so that's been really comforting.

@Wise0wl glad to hear you're calling the EPU tomorrow. I know what you mean about the nerves around it. Going back there felt a bit triggering, but I was so glad I went and got put on progesterone. I kept kicking myself for not doing it early enough last time, so at least I feel I'm doing all I can this time around.

Sorry some of you have been struggling with work. @CluelessInLondon the redundancy situation sounds crap - but if you feel at the end of it that any decision has been made as a result of your mat leave, the first thing I'd do is file a subject access request (SAR) for the personal data your organisation hold on you. That includes any emails or documents which may show they treated you unfairly. They can't disclose the personal data of others in your organisation (eg how they ranked others in the redundancy process) but if you feel you've been turned down for a job you reapplied for it's a great way to get the hiring panel's notes about how you did. Sorry to get all technical - I work in a public sector organisation as a lawyer so really annoys me when people don't do things by the book! 😅

@CluelessInLondon ha your in laws sound like my mum! When I was pregnant with my son literally everyone in my parents village knew within about ten minutes it felt like.

@Bugdem123 @Wise0wl it’s a bit churlish of me to moan to be honest, I still get 6 months mat leave paid which is amazing, but it was 9 months so it’s a big drop. I’m the main earner so we’d planned for the extra money and I suppose I’m feeling the pressure a bit.

@Wise0wl that moment of silence whilst they search for the heartbeat is awful, it took what felt like forever at my scan and it was nerve wracking. But ultimately it was fine and the likelihood is you have a lovely sturdy bean in there. I completely understand why you’re anxious to get booked in though, I think the wait once you know when the scan is is awful too! I’m glad the test helped a bit.

@Bugdem123 hooray for late period! Another milestone ticked off. I’m swinging between optimism and despair quite a lot too - I was talking to DH about it and how on earth we’d cope if it was another MMC and he just said of course we’d cope, we coped before. It was awful, but we survived and here we are. I don’t know if that helps at all but I have found it quite a calming thought so thought I’d share.

@Liz2681 congratulations on your twins! How are you feeling?

@graceinc22 good to hear all’s going well

Hope everyone’s had a good weekend. My sickness has died down so trying not to worry about that… all other symptoms in full force and I’ve heard later pregnancies are often a wee bit easier than first ones so keeping my fingers crossed on that front!