Grad thread: TTC after loss carry on

[Wise0wl]

Hello all,

I just thought I'd set up a grad thread from our TTC threads, now there are quite a few people with their bfps so that we can keep in touch, and there's a forum for those on their TTC journey to check in with us!

I've sifted through the previous threads so think this is a reasonably full list:

*@SnookyPook
*@wyto
*@Aaliyahrae
*@SunSparkle
*@graceinc22
*@Gem0302
*@Bali200
*@Oxalis00
*@GeorgeR28
*@CluelessInLondon
*@HerbaceousPerennial
*@NphysT
*@GoldDustWoman90

I'd love to hear where you all are in your journey. I am approx 4 +2 (so very early!), after two MMCs. Feeling remarkably relaxed as, although I like a plan, I've resigned myself to the fact that there's little I can do to alter the fate of this pregnancy so until later down the line, I just sort of have to roll with it.

Congratulations @Bugdem123! The DNA thing is what’s keeping me going. Very little I do now can impact the outcome so I’m just trying to roll with it. I hope that also helps you. And at some point I’m hoping I might be able to feel excited too 🤞

@Wise0wl it's a really comforting thought. How have you been feeling?

@Bugdem123 I’m ok thanks! For the most part ignoring being pregnant but considering plucking up the courage later this week to call EPU to see if I can get a scan for next week. Baby steps! What would your LMP make your EDD?

@Bugdem123 I think it’s always a shock to get the positive test, no matter how long you’ve been trying! @Wise0wl I did the same thing and studiously ignored being pregnant up until my scan on Friday. DH said the change in me has been noticeable - I know we’re not out of the woods yet but seeing that heartbeat has made such a difference, I never got that with the last one. I’d say I’m still nervous it’ll go wrong, but I certainly have some hope and excitement now too. I want this baby to have had the same joy I had with my other two pregnancies, even if things do go wrong. This early stage is very hard, always here to chat

Hey ladies, hope you don't mind me lurking on here! Just posting so I don't lose you all and keep up to date with how you're all doing 😊 lovely to see your updates so far

@Wise0wl that would be good if your EPU scan you. How far along are you now? I think it would be 15th December, what about you?

@HerbaceousPerennial it must have been such a relief to have had a good early scan and so good that's it's made you relax and lean into the enjoyment of it a little more.

I think I'll take a leaf out of both your books and try and put it out my mind for a few weeks and book an early scan for 7ish weeks. The thought makes me feel so anxious but I know I won't be able to wait until 12 weeks!

@HerbaceousPerennial thank you! In my head I’ve got the following milestones: early scan and seeing a heartbeat (c.7 weeks); scan at 10.5/11 weeks and seeing a heartbeat (which I’ve not managed with either of my previous two losses) and getting past the 12 week scan. For some reason I feel that if I reach 16 weeks I might be able to breathe more easily? I’m so glad you’re starting to feel slightly more relaxed!

@Bugdem123 that’s lovely! I reckon I’m about the 1st December, I think I’m 5+1 now. Have you got anything planned in for the next couple of weeks that might keep you busy?

@samilicious it’s so lovely for you to check in and you’re totally right about general bfps being hard, but one of the thread getting one feeling like a win for our team. Hope you’re doing ok!

Of course you're welcome to lurk! And I loved your words on the other thread 💗 Hope you you are doing ok xx

Oh this is nice @Wise0wl and @Bugdem123 I’m 13th November so roughly 2 week intervals! Hoping lots of others on the other thread get their BFPs soon. My MMC was picked up just before my 12 week scan but the gestational sac was 8-9 weeks and embryo was really early on, only about 6 weeks, which I think is why the 7 week scan was such a relief this time. @Wise0wl I’ve got similar milestones in my head, my 12 week scan isn’t actually until 13.5 weeks so I’m thinking I’ll have another scan about 10-11 weeks and I think I’ll feel better again then. I was actually tempted to buy a Christmas babygro in the sale yesterday but it feels a bit too much like counting my chickens to do that yet!

@samilicious please do lurk! Or even not lurking, general posting too, this can be a multi-purpose thread! I am hoping very much this is just the beginning of a spate of BFPs

Congrats on the bfp @Bugdem123! A Christmas baby, how lovely 🥰

I’m so glad your scan went well @HerbaceousPerennial and always nice to pass a milestone, it’s definitely nice to break it down like that.

@SnookyPook how lovely that you’re having another boy 💙 I’m sorry there are some worries about his size but it sounds like you’re in good hands and they’re going to keep an eye on things. Hopefully he has a big growth spurt and catches up.

So lovely to see you here @samilicious you are always welcome over here!

Sorry I disappeared for a couple of days - I think it actually sunk in and I got a bit overwhelmed. My excitement has gone and now I'm just plain scared! My tests are still getting darker which even though I know better I still find reassuring. I ended up telling my best friend yesterday which I was adamant I wasn't going to do as I needed someone to say what I knew she would say and my husband, bless him, is a bit rabbit in the headlights 😅.

@Wise0wl @HerbaceousPerennial that's lovely that we're so close in dates! I like the idea of breaking it down into stages. I think mine will be - my AF not coming on Saturday, the early scan 7weeks, making it past 9+2, maybe another early scan when we come back from holiday, and then the 12 week scan.

@Bali200 thank you! How far along are you now? How have you been feeling?

@SnookyPook I scrolled back a little there - how lovely that you're having a wee boy! 🥰💙 Fingers crossed he's just on the small side or that he has a wee growth spurt - do you have a date for your next scan?

@Bugdem123 thanks lovely! Yep, 22nd April so not toooo long to wait, although feels a while away!!

Absolutely get the overwhelm - take the time you need! It's nice to have been able to share it with someone you are close to though. I think those little things, and passing your milestones all help it to gradually sink in and feel a bit more real!

@Bugdem123 totally get the overwhelm. We’ve had friends staying over the past week and it’s really helped to take my mind off it, but they go home this weekend and I can feel the overwhelm and anxiety increasing. Having had two MMCs close to one another means that I can’t get it out my head that this third pregnancy is going to end the same way, but I know it’s not a healthy thing to think so every time it pops into my mind I purposely stop thinking about it. I’ve evidently got a way to go to get my brain in order!

@Bugdem123 I told my two best friends inside a week! I think it’s healthy, I’d tell them if things went wrong and you’re right, sometimes DH doesn’t really get it. I need people to talk to about it! One of my best friends has recently had a baby after a late loss and she’s been incredible. I don’t regret telling either of them for a second - DH just rolled his eyes and said he wasn’t surprised when I let slip I’d told them both 😂

The overwhelm is awful, I think it’s mildly terrifying being pregnant at the best of times, and with the knowledge of previous losses it just compounds things. Right now we are all pregnant though. And no reason this won’t be fine.

@SnookyPook hope you’re not feeling too anxious about your boy, sounds like he is small but tough! Hopefully good news at your scan, I think it is notoriously tricky to get very accurate measurements in the womb, my friend had a similar situation to you and her wee boy was perfectly average size when he was born.

I’ve started feeling very sick. It’s horrible but as soon as it dies down I wish it was back again! I also have a wee pot belly but I think it’s mostly chocolate hobnobs…

Hi ladies, how is everyone doing? I've been away on holiday so have been reading updates but not really posting. I am about to post a bit of a vent/rant though, so apologies in advance if I bring the mood down - this thread feels like the right place to share it after being on the journey with some of you for the last several months...

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed/frustrated/upset at the moment - it's a real mixed bag of things, some of which aren't pregnancy related (work is awful and really stressful right now, which would be the case anyway although it definitely hasn't helped dealing with work anxiety and early pregnancy anxiety) and some of which are. I've had a really rubbish time dealing with the midwives about my appointments - they booked my 16 week appointment for the middle of May when I'll be nearly 21 weeks, they never answer the phone, the only way to communicate with them is by text and I had to text them loads to get them to understand that the appointment they'd given me was too late and actually get a sensible date around the point when I reach 16 weeks. Their total inability to do basic admin and the way they left it to me to keep chasing has really knocked my confidence in them as a service that I can trust to support me.

I'm also starting to get really pissed off with the way my in laws are behaving - they're happy and excited about becoming grandparents, which I get, but every interaction we now have with them is filtered through the lens of me being pregnant, it's like there's nothing else going on in anybody's lives. Every message or conversation makes reference to the pregnancy, and even my birthday card from them referred to it as well - it's just way too much, I don't need reminding I'm pregnant, I'm living it! We spoke to them on Facetime the other day and they were talking about how they "nearly let it slip" and seemed to find it really funny - I was just thinking "WTF? We've entrusted you with a really important and sensitive piece of information that isn't yours to share, and you think it's funny to joke about nearly 'accidentally' telling some randomers?". My FIL also keeps saying things that I think are meant to be well-meaning but are actually just really insensitive - he comments on how I look every time we see them on Facetime (nothing major but keeps telling me I'm looking well whilst sounding surprised about it, as if I'm dying rather than pregnant) and I don't really want another 6 months of commentary on my appearance once I start actually looking pregnant. I really want them to back off and chill out, but my husband doesn't really understand why all of this stuff bothers me so much (other than the "nearly telling people" thing, which he agreed was out of order).

This week has genuinely been the first time that I've thought "what have I done? I wish I wasn't going through this". I know that it's not how I feel really, there's just a lot going on, it's scary and overwhelming and I imagine every woman has this feeling especially when it's her first baby and everything is new and quite confusing, but I feel bad about feeling this way all the same. It doesn't help that we still haven't told anyone other than immediate family and one friend because we still don't have our combined screening results - I would love to vent some of this to my friends who have been there and done it but really don't want to until we know the screening was all okay, and I thought we would have the results by now.

Sorry for the long ranty post, really needed to get all of that off my chest and I'm hoping that some of you can relate to at least some of it and I'm not just being totally unreasonable!

@CluelessInLondon

Can totally relate to all of this!

Why is it always the in laws as well and therefore your forced to be polite-ish to them??

When my parents say something I don't like, I tell them, don't say that, it's rude 😅

My inlaws were over the moon and so supportive to start with and then I saw them on the weekend just gone and the comments started

'you'll have to get used to going away in term time' yes I'm aware but not for 4 years so calm down!!

'Your going to have no routine for 6 months at least' great thanks

'Have you had a blood test yet cos your 100% anaemic' Great thanks, may as well have said I look awful.

Mentioned I wasn't sleep well at all 'I'm sure you're dozing and it's not that bad, you'll have to get used to that' Honestly I despair!!

I was actually quite blunt with them cos I'm exhausted and can't keep quiet, went to my parents house straight after and my dad said 'ooh look at your belly now' I glared at him and said you shouldn't comment on people's weight, I was so grumpy after seeing the in laws!!

Midwife is also winding me up, not having the same appointment issues as you which sound infuriating!! But mine doesn't even ask how I am or if I have any issues, scrolls through badger notes in front of me and filling it in herself! 🙄

What a joy being pregnant is 🤣 it would be fine if it wasn't for everyone else!!

Sorry to hear you’re feeling fed up @CluelessInLondon I can also relate to you on all you’ve said, it took 6 weeks of me chasing the midwives to get my baby’s blood type results back (I’m rhesus neg) and one day I tried ringing them 120 times in a row without them answering before I gave up. I don’t know my midwife’s name and I have no way of contacting her personally so I’m forced to try and ring the number that they don’t answer 🙄

I know they are busy but it really doesn’t fill you with confidence that you’re in the right hands does it!

And also my MIL believes that you shouldn’t pick up your baby/comfort them too much as they’ll get spoilt, it’s difficult to hold back my thoughts!

I’m so sorry @CluelessInLondon, that sounds so frustrating. Does your DP ever say anything? I find my ILs really difficult to manage particularly with regards to our losses so I know how hard it is to say something personally. But maybe he could?

I am 5+4 and told myself I would do a CB weeks test today (then talked myself out of it as if it doesn’t show 3+ I know I’ll panic) and also that I’d refer to EPU for an early scan and a progesterone prescription, but I can’t face doing that either. I think I’d sort of prefer to pretend this pregnancy isn’t happening, even though it’s so wanted, just in case anything goes wrong. Any advice on moving forwards would be very welcome!

@Wise0wl I couldn't bring myself to do any CB digitals this time. I couldn't bear to see what they'd say!! As it happens, I'm glad I didn't as my first scan put the pregnancy a week behind LMP would have so I'd have probably caused myself a lot of additional anxiety! However, nerve-wracking as it was, I am glad I had the early scan with EPU. It was booked for 7+2 and that's when I measured 6+2 (stayed on that trajectory) - personally I would say aim for 7wks if you can and then if any disparity hopefully you'll still get reassurance of a heartbeat etc.

I don't have any great advice for you tbh. For most of the first trimester I thought of it as 'Shroedinger's pregnancy' - both there and not there until observed! The only thing I would say is, we think we are protecting ourselves by pretending it's not really real... But of course if the worst were to happen, it would still be absolutely devastating and we'd also have the grief of not having really acknowledged or celebrated the little one while they were with us. I think that is something I came to from having to go through recurring losses last year. I came to see whatever time I had with those little beans as precious. For as long as I was carrying them, they were mine, and I was their Mum, giving them a safe cosy home. Alongside the anxiety this time, I've really tried to hold onto that - if they are meant to stay, great, and if not, I will love having them with me while they can be. It might not help everyone but it did give me some comfort, that however things would turn out, I could take some control over being as present as I could manage in the moment. 💗

@SnookyPook you are so very wise. Thank you. I’ve been telling myself that for the most part the future of this pregnancy is already laid out and I can’t change it that much, but I guess I hadn’t realised how much I’ve been pushing it to the back of my mind and trying not to engage with it. Baby steps…

@wyto Glad you are able to relate and it's not just me being an unreasonable cow! And you're right about having to be more polite to the in-laws - overall I get on really well with mine, but I wouldn't really feel comfortable saying "can you just chill out and stop going on about my pregnancy every time we speak?". I would definitely be happy to say it to my own family but they are more relaxed about it - they're interested in how I'm feeling and what's happening, but they don't feel the need to mention it in every single message or conversation.

@Bali200 Thank you and sorry to hear that you've had appointment/test result issues too. It really frustrates me because it feels like such basic stuff - I mean, none of us are the first woman ever to have a baby with whichever service so how can it be that difficult to get these things right?! I'm rhesus negative as well and nobody has really explained clearly what it means in terms of my care - I've got an appointment at around 20 weeks which the letter said was to "discuss" it but I have no idea in practice what that means! I feel as though there's a lot of presumed knowledge that nobody can have if they haven't done this before, and then I feel really stupid and inadequate for not understanding everything.

@Wise0wl I think my husband just sees it differently to me - he is generally really supportive and indulgent of my anxieties and moods even when I'm being irrational, but I don't think he really likes hearing me criticise his parents and is happier to just explain it away as "they're just excited". I know he did have a word with them after we first told them about the pregnancy - last time they got all carried away and sent a big bouquet of flowers, which I found OTT at the time because it felt like pressure for the pregnancy to succeed and then I miscarried a few days later, so I know he told them not to do anything like that again. I think he is just hoping that the novelty will wear off and they'll start to calm down about it by themselves so it will stop bothering me.

Not sure whether I can offer you wisdom on the CB digital tests as I'm not sure there's a "right" answer - I did one when I got to 6 weeks but I knew it could go either way and would either say what I was hoping and give me a bit of reassurance or it wouldn't and I would start to panic. I did call my EGU when I reached 5 weeks though, and I was glad I did as the earliest appointment they offered me was at just over 7 weeks and I don't know if I'd have had to wait until I was further along if I had left it before calling them. It was good to have it in the diary early too, because it gave me a bit of a milestone to work towards - like "if I haven't had any sign of anything being wrong by then, then I have no reason to believe the scan will be bad and then I'll be over the first little hurdle". I definitely found that chunking the first trimester up with a scan as the milestone at the end of each bit really helped (I had two at the EGU and then my dating scan, and never more than 3 weeks between scans) - it didn't eliminate the worry and I don't think anything really does, but it meant I always had a point in the future to focus on that wasn't too far away.

@SnookyPook you really do have such a lovely way with your words, the part about being their mum made me tear up 💗

@Wise0wl I think Snooky has said it much better than I ever could. If you think the digital will cause more anxiety then you don’t need to do it, but definitely get yourself referred to EPU in case there is a bit of a wait. And like Clueless says, it’s another milestone to look forward to hitting.

@CluelessInLondon so at my trust they test the baby’s blood type at 16 week MW appt to see if you need the Anti-D injection at 28 weeks, it’s just a normal blood test in the arm so no idea how it picks up baby’s blood type! But not everywhere does the testing and they just give you the jab as standard instead. As my results took so long to come back showing that baby girl is predicted positive the cynic in me thinks they lost my results and have just said she’s positive so that I have the jab just in case she is positive! I have my 28 week MW appt in the community on the 18th and then I have to go to the hospital for my Anti D jab the next day as apparently the appointments can’t be combined, talk about efficiency 🙄

@Bali200 Thank you, that's really helpful - the appointment they've booked me in for is around 20 weeks so I'm wondering if they might do the blood test then to see if I need the anti D injection. I just wish they would explain this stuff clearly - there's enough to try to get your head around when you're expecting a baby without the maternity service just assuming that you always understand what they're doing and why!

@CluelessInLondon that sounds so annoying, especially the joking about accidentally telling someone. It's so hard when it's your in-laws as you don't feel like you can just be like "stop that!". I also can imagine how frustrating it must be having to constantly chase and harass to get basic things done with your midwife, that would drive me mad too.

@SnookyPook not for the first time, your words have really resonated with me and made me cry. I'm going to remind myself of what you've said whenever I start to feel the fear take over.

@Wise0wl that's good you've been able to have some distraction. It's so hard not to think it, isn't it? I keep trying to change my thoughts to the more positive ones whenever I catch myself thinking the negative ones but it's hard work!

@HerbaceousPerennial that's exactly what my husband said when I told him I'd told her too 😂 it's definitely been good so far to have another sounding board - I think I'll need a lot more of that over the next few weeks and months.

@wyto I don't get why people always have to bring the negatives into it like you aren't either a) going to figure that out yourself, or b) haven't already thought about it already!

I was brave today and phoned the booking line to get my booking appointment and 12 week scan booked in. I had the option to pick a different hospital than the last time so I've gone for that. My nhs trust don't offer any extra scans or anything so I've booked a private one for 27th April. It's made it feel a bit more real but I think in a good way. So far I don't really feel anything other than some tender boobs (although not as much as I remember from last time but trying not to compare!), I'm a bit tired and I'm having the most mental dreams.

How is everyone else?