Grad thread: TTC after loss carry on

[Wise0wl]

Hello all,

I just thought I'd set up a grad thread from our TTC threads, now there are quite a few people with their bfps so that we can keep in touch, and there's a forum for those on their TTC journey to check in with us!

I've sifted through the previous threads so think this is a reasonably full list:

*@SnookyPook
*@wyto
*@Aaliyahrae
*@SunSparkle
*@graceinc22
*@Gem0302
*@Bali200
*@Oxalis00
*@GeorgeR28
*@CluelessInLondon
*@HerbaceousPerennial
*@NphysT
*@GoldDustWoman90

I'd love to hear where you all are in your journey. I am approx 4 +2 (so very early!), after two MMCs. Feeling remarkably relaxed as, although I like a plan, I've resigned myself to the fact that there's little I can do to alter the fate of this pregnancy so until later down the line, I just sort of have to roll with it.

@SnookyPook these dates are so tough. Hopefully it’ll be better once you’re through it. I’m glad your midwives were helpful and had a listen in for you. I was with a friend last week who had the exact same thing - baby was fine and had similarly just moved position. I was surprised at how panicked I felt on her behalf, even though I knew the likelihood was it was fine. I didn’t show that obviously though! I personally find a lot of the information quite stressful - obviously it’s good to know that reduced movement can be a problem and get it checked etc but I also feel under a lot of pressure to get it ‘right’ and like if I don’t notice things at the right time and speak to someone, it’ll be my fault if something goes wrong. You’re right that we all need to be a bit kinder to ourselves I think, pregnancy is a lot at the best of times. And we don’t have the best of times!

@Wise0wl if it’s any comfort I’m exactly the same - I’d say overall I’m keeping on top of it but I have bad periods where I spiral. It just feels so long until we’re ‘safe’ - although I’m not sure how safe I’ll feel in the second trimester either. My two close friends are about to have their babies and my original due date is next week. I’ve been surprised how sad I have felt about it. I’ve not had to contend with any pregnancy announcements though, that must be tough. I really thought being pregnant again would ‘fix’ everything but of course it doesn’t.

@CluelessInLondon hope you are doing ok today

@HerbaceousPerennial that must be so hard to have all of that at once. Are you marking your original due date in any way?

What I didn’t realise is how isolating it would feel, and even though I try so hard to not compare my life to others’, with every announcement it feels like the stakes get higher for this pregnancy to work out, otherwise the gap between my ‘life before loss’ and the friends I had then, and now, will widen. It’s so hard!

@HerbaceousPerennial @Wise0wl you've both managed to articulate something I've been struggling to put into words. The "safety zone" feels so far away and I seem to be going between being almost numb to being really panicked. I have my scan on the 27th and it might as well be 6 months away for how far away it feels lol!

My sister in law had her baby on Saturday, so I have a little niece. She's absolutely beautiful and I'm so happy for them but it's almost like being able to peer through the looking glass and seeing how our life could have looked. I'm trying to spin it positively and think "oh this is what it'll look like come December" but I'm definitely finding it harder than I thought I would or than I feel able to tell anyone in real life.

@Wise0wl oh my goodness that’s what it is, it does feel like it just puts more pressure on this pregnancy to work out. Like I’m already lagging in the race and I can’t fall any further behind. Which is ridiculous because in my more rational moments I actually feel like I’ll have a really nice age gap, all my maternity stuff is the right season etc. I think I was in such a dark place when we started TTC after the miscarriage that I’m scared of feeling like that again, and I put more pressure on again. Plus I’m getting on a bit now! I don’t think I’ll do anything to mark my due date, my son isn’t in nursery that day and work is very very busy, plus I’m not really sure what would be appropriate. I will block plenty of time out and not go into the office though.

@Bugdem123 I think new babies just bring all these emotions up again so badly, and that’s only natural. It is a bit of a sliding doors moment, it’s what I’m struggling with a bit too. I know I should be happy about new babies, and I am of course, but you’re right, it’s just… complicated. If it’s any comfort every time my brother calls me I have a slight jolt in case he’s ringing to tell me he and his wife are expecting, I’m not sure why it’s bothering me but it is. Is this your first niece/nephew? I think for me in the next month it should get a lot better, my friends babies will be born, my due date will pass, and I’ll have my scan. Mine’s 3rd May so we’re pretty close! I feel weirdly comforted that it’s just down the hall from EPU, if it’s bad news I know I’ll be ok there

@Bugdem123 I hear you! I have a couple of people very close to us who track our due dates of our MMCs almost exactly and though I’m pleased for them, watching their performance pregnancies progress and little ones be born almost makes our loss more real.

@HerbaceousPerennial I have the same worry about more close family babies, especially in case this pregnancy doesn’t work out. You’re also right that if I look at my life in isolation it’s ok (same with seasonal clothes and everything), but looking outwards it’s much harder isn’t it.

Sending love and solidarity to all of you with those difficult feelings x

@HerbaceousPerennial that does make me feel better, thank you! I have a niece on my side of the family, and this is the first on my husband's side of the family. I think it's been made slightly harder by my due date being on Wednesday and also probably by me being a bit hard on myself for being a bit upset.

Hopefully time passes quickly for us both! That's good you're having a scan there, it must feel reassuring! I asked if I could have an extra scan when I phoned for my booking appointment and 12 week scan and they said they don't do that in my trust so I've booked a private one.

The tiredness is well and truly kicking in, I'm counting down the minutes until bed time tonight 😅.

Thank you everyone for the kind thoughts yesterday. ❤We actually managed to have a really nice day, we got out to the coast for a walk and it was lovely to have the time and space to reflect, to feel sad about the baby that we lost but also talk with optimism about what's (hopefully) to come with this one.

@SnookyPook Sorry to hear that yesterday was a poignant date for you too - I think these dates really stick in the mind, no matter what happens afterwards. Glad you were able to get reassurance about baby's movements, and it sounds like you've got a really helpful midwifery service too. You are right that it's a lot to go through mentally/psychologically, and I don't think we always think about that when we're so caught up in the symptoms and the physical aspects of pregnancy.

@Bugdem123 Sending you love for your due date tomorrow, I hope you can make the day work for you with whatever you do (or don't do). ❤

Sending support to everyone who is dealing with new baby arrivals/announcements at the moment. 💕 And especially during the first trimester when the time just seems to drag so much and it's easy to spend a lot of time in your own head.

I've got my 16 week appointment with the midwife this afternoon - not really sure what to expect from it (especially after having to fight to even get the appointment booked in the first place!) but I've been keeping a note on my phone of questions I want to ask.

@CluelessInLondon how did your 16 week appointment go?

@Bugdem123 I hope today hasn’t been too tough for you. Sending hugs and hopefully things will feel a bit easier once today is done. I think the pressure of other family babies is a lot so please don’t be hard on yourself. My trust don’t do early scans for previous losses either, I asked as well!

I had my booking appointment today and it was a really positive experience. I’m lucky enough to have had the same midwife for all of my pregnancies and she was so understanding, made everything much easier. It’s made me feel quite optimistic actually (touch wood). My maternity notes also have my miscarriage notes in which I wasn’t expecting but which also feels really meaningful. It’s not loads of information but it’s in there. I know it’s medically relevant so makes sense but it never occurred to me.

Hope everyone is doing well today.

@HerbaceousPerennial I’m so glad you had consistency and sensitivity, it makes such a difference doesn’t it! What’s the next ‘step’ for you?

@Bugdem123 I hope you’ve had support today and been able to mark today however felt right for you.

Last week I was worried my symptoms had dwindled, the past couple of days I’ve struggled to get out of bed and this morning I was sick before breakfast. This is a wild ride!

@HerbaceousPerennial It went okay, thanks for asking - almost felt a bit pointless as there wasn't much to do other than a blood pressure check and urine dip! I got to ask the questions I'd made a note of though, so I'm a bit clearer on a few things I wasn't quite sure about. I guess the appointments get a bit more 'interesting' once things have progressed a bit more! Next milestone for me is the 20 week scan on 11th May, which feels like ages away at the moment even though it's only just over 3 weeks.
That's great that your booking appointment felt like such a positive experience and you're feeling understood and supported - it makes such a difference.

@Wise0wl I hope the sickness passes today and you're not feeling too rubbish!

Hope everyone else is doing well. ❤

@Wise0wl thanks, it really does make a massive difference. Just got to hold on until my 12 week scan now which is two weeks away, I’m getting a wee bit twitchy because my MMC was diagnosed at 12 weeks last time. Away for work next week so that’ll be a good distraction hopefully. And I’ll just be so relieved to get out of the first trimester. I was going to say I’m sorry you’ve been so sick but it’s reassuring as well so I hope your symptoms are bad enough you don’t worry but not too unbearable!

@CluelessInLondon glad it was ok, I know what you mean, not much happens at some of the midwife appointments. Good to get questions answered. Scans always feel so long away!

@HerbaceousPerennial two weeks! I know time drags so slowly in the first trimester (and when TTC) but from afar it feels like other people’s pregnancies are flying by!

My next scan is on Wednesday when I’ll be 8+4. If I make it past that one ok, it’s the 10 week one I’m nervous about as that’s when they’ve found my MMCs, but I’m away at 10 weeks for the week. I’m torn between pleading with them for one at 9+5 before I go (if it’s bad news then my time away will be welcome processing time maybe) or delaying until 11+1. No idea which is preferable (I wish both, but I think that’s too much to ask?!)

@Wise0wl i often think this, I feel like you must actually be catching me up because my pregnancy is going sooooo slooowly 😂 I can’t quite believe I’m at this point either to be fair. Do you think the peace of mind of a scan at 9+5 would help you enjoy your trip a bit more? The odds are really positive if things are looking good then. Then you could get a private one if you couldn’t hold out until your 12 week scan at 11+1 without worrying too much about it being bad? Probably worth asking if they’d do two though, I’d chance my arm I think!

Thank you so much ladies 🩷 I had a really quiet day but it was what I needed. When the MC first happened, I'd wrote the baby a letter so I wrote them another one and my husband got me a lovely bunch of flowers.

I've also had what I think might be nausea, although it's not in the mornings. It's mostly mid-afternoon and I feel like I've got a terrible hangover. I don't remember having it at all in my first pregnancy so I've actually quite enjoyed it 😅.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed today with thoughts about this pregnancy not working out and what I'll do. I'm not sure what's spurned it on as I had been feeling quite positive. This whole thing is just a giant mind fuck.

@CluelessInLondon that's good you were able to ask your questions and feel more reassured. It hopefully won't feel like too long before your 20 week scan!

@HerbaceousPerennial I can't believe your 12 week scan is only 2 weeks away! Hopefully being busy this week helps keep your mind from the dark places and helps time tick along more quickly!

@Wise0wl I actually have a similar predicament! I have my first scan on Saturday at 7+1 then we go on holiday 2 weeks later and I'm considering making an appointment for a scan the morning we go. I found out at 9+2 last time so I don't know if I'll be able to enjoy myself without it. I would definitely ask them to see if they'll book you in - the worse they can say is no and then you can decide if you want a private one instead.

Morning everyone, how are you all doing today?

@Wise0wl How is the sickness now?

@HerbaceousPerennial You can officially say that your 12 week scan is next week now! Hope you are feeling okay about it and not too worried.

@Bugdem123 Writing a letter to the baby is a lovely idea, I can imagine that felt very therapeutic for you. ❤That "hangover without actually drinking" feeling is so horrible - I had that loads in the first trimester, I was never actually sick but just felt really queasy on and off. How are you feeling today, has the anxiety eased at all?

Speaking of anxiety, mine has come back full force today - no idea why but I woke up feeling really worried about the possibility of something going wrong (I have a vague recollection that somewhere in last night's dreams was something about going for a scan, but my brain can't now make sense of what I actually dreamed about). I think what's really hitting me now is the realisation that if something goes wrong this time it will feel so much worse than it did last time having got this far along, and there isn't much I can actually do to alleviate the worries - there's nothing I can call the maternity unit about because there's nothing actually wrong, so all I can do is sit and wait for my next scan and hope everything is okay. I'm not good at dealing with having problems and worries that I can't do anything to fix!

Hey @CluelessInLondon I’ve only been sick twice but the nausea is still there. Panicking today because I had some pink spotting when I wiped this morning which has caused me to spiral a bit and convince myself it’s bad news. Like you I’m a bit of a control freak and a fixer and I had being out of control. And every pregnancy (and I’m sure like you say when you get further along too) the stakes feel higher. I hope these next three weeks pass quickly for you until your next scan 🤞

@Wise0wl Sorry to hear about the spotting, that must be worrying - are you contacting the EPU or will you just hold off for your scan later this week? Fingers crossed that it's just a one-off and goes away by itself.

Thanks @CluelessInLondon. I’m going to hang on until Wednesday I think, I’d struggle between work and childcare to get in before then and even if it is going wrong they won’t be able to do anything about. I just really really hope my instincts are wrong.

@Wise0wl try not to worry to much about the spotting, easier said than done I know. I had pink spotting several times in the first trimester with my son and it was (clearly) fine. Sending hugs and hoping everything is ok, the fear is awful. Here if you need to talk and hope you are taking care of yourself, the wait is dreadful but the stats are on your side for this to work out well 🤞

@Bugdem123 yeah I have felt ‘hungover’ for all of this pregnancy too! Headache, nausea, tiredness, insomnia, dizziness… it’s rotten. Mine seems worse whenever I’m tired so similarly evenings have been bad. It’s very up and down I think pregnancy after loss. Your letter idea is lovely and I hope it brought you comfort.

@CluelessInLondon I can! That feels very weird. I’ve got a deadline at work that day and every time someone mentions the date I get a little lurch of fear. Definitely getting quite anxious about it now - compounded by today being my due date I think, so I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I shouldn’t be dealing with all this nonsense, I should be cuddling my newborn and why can’t they all cut me some slack, even though they don’t know 🤦🏻‍♀️ very rational. I’m sorry you’re feeling anxious again - do you think we’ll ever just enjoy pregnancy? I hope so as we get further along. Can you feel baby moving yet at all? Has it helped if so?

@HerbaceousPerennial Sorry to hear that today was your original due date, I don't think the big milestones hurt any less even with a new pregnancy to (hopefully) look forward to. ❤
I haven't felt any movements yet - I think I will feel better once I can (even though I know that can just become another thing to worry about!) as it will at least tell me that baby is in there and doing something. The biggest fear by far right now is that the baby has stopped developing and I just have no idea - I keep reminding myself that the chances of that after getting through the dating scan and everything with no issues are slim, but I think that niggling worry will stay in the back of my mind until I get to the next scan. If that all goes well then I might actually start to believe that I'll have a baby in 5-6 months' time.

Evening all. so... update on our scan with foetal medicine today... He's still dinky (3rd centile!) but seems very strong and healthy. They want to keep an eye on us though in case of fetal growth restriction so another scan in 3 weeks. No evidence of placental or viral cause for size - all looked healthy (placenta, amniotic fluid levels, blood flow to baby etc all great). Still leaves a possibility of genetic cause but she didn't seem to think this overly likely and wouldn't advise amniocentesis at this stage anyway due to risk of preterm labour. Most likely, especially given my first son's birth size, is that I just make dinky baby boys. In fact, tracking his trajectory on the growth chart, he would be very similar birth weight to my first son - it just wasn't picked up for him as nothing flagged at 20wk scan! So... I'm reassured overall. Still got a bit emotional and she was really sweet and said "I know after recurring loss you just want to hear that everything is absolutely fine and this throws you a bit as it's something else to worry about... But I'm not worried. He seems like a really happy baby in there" She was so lovely and kept saying how cute he looked (which made me laugh as it was just black and white images of bones... Haha) She was basically as reassuring as she could be. 🙏🏼💙

@SnookyPook that’s good news and I’m glad the sonographer/doctor was so lovely. It makes such a massive difference. It’s good they’re keeping an eye - somebody has to be at the lower and upper end of the centiles so sounds like that’s just the way your little boy is! It sounds like he’s very healthy which is all that matters.

@CluelessInLondon I think it’s natural to worry they’ve stopped developing - this is my current fear. But I keep telling myself there’s no reason at all to think that’s happened and the statistics are firmly on our side. It doesn’t always work though!

@SnookyPook That's good news that everything is looking okay with the little one even if he is measuring a bit small - I think he'll be small but perfectly formed! Seems like you are getting lots of support and reassurance at your appointments too, which is amazing - and at least with another scan in a few weeks' time you know they're keeping an eye on you.

I had a bit of a wobble last night, having had an anxious kind of day - saw a long post on Facebook from a casual friend who has just had a miscarriage after getting bad news following her 12 week scan and NIPT which really brought all of the feelings and emotions back from a few months ago. It made me wonder when those memories become less vivid and raw - it still catches me by surprise how upset I feel when I think back to my own experience.

Thanks @CluelessInLondon - yes, it's nice to be well looked after!

Sorry to hear of your friends sad news and how it's knocked you too. I think once you've been through your own loss you feel these things far more acutely - both for the people living them now and because of the reminder of your own pain you've been through. Since my loss I've had conversations with some much older women (into their 80s even!) who have wistfully recounted their own losses but in the context of a wider life lived. I don't think it will ever leave us completely but gradually time will soften the sharp edges. 💗

@Wise0wl I'm sorry to hear your spotting. How is it today? I'm keeping everything crossed this is just a normal symptom but I totally understand the panic you must be feeling. What time is your scan tomorrow? Sending you a huge hug.

@SnookyPook that's good that everything is looking well! Like others have said - some one has to be on the lower centiles! I hope that's given you some reassurance.

@HerbaceousPerennial I'm so sorry that yesterday was your due date 🩷 I really relate to what you've said about being a bit like "why am I having to do this part again, I should be holding my baby"; that's definitely how I was feeling over the weekend! It's hard work feeling so many strong emotions all at the one time.

@CluelessInLondon I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious. I think it's perfectly normal when you think what we've been through but that doesn't make it any easier! IEspecially at the stage you're at between the 12 week and 20 week scan where you just have to assume everything is ticking along fine. Would you consider a private scan or do you think that would just fuel the fear?

I felt rough yesterday and not especially great today. Trying to focus on seeing this as a good sign in the run up to my scan on Saturday but it's so draining.