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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed/worried that best friends mum told her not to visit all the time when my baby arrives?

198 replies

NewbieToThis · 23/01/2024 00:31

Hi so I know this may be a stupid thing to post but my friend told me about a comment her mum said to her which was along the lines of “now when her baby arrives you’re not to go to her house to visit all the time week in week out, only now and again. She’s not expecting you to look after her baby and for you to take her and that baby out” when my best friend (who yes is one of my main sources of support but I don’t expect her or ask her to do everything for me and won’t when the baby arrives although I may need some help. Mainly to get out of the house as I have a disability and can suffer with low mood) told me that I felt very annoyed and worried about what her mum had said. I get she worries that her daughter get taken advantage of but she knows I’m not like that and she also knows that yes I may need help sometimes but I’ll not be expecting my friend to just take over. My friend also regularly visits her other friend who has a young child. These are normally weekly visits and my friend takes them out and helps her a bit to get them out of the house which is great but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying. What annoys me also is that my friends mum knows that my family don’t get on with my in laws and she likely knows my worries of the feud flaring up again when my baby is born and me losing or having that support tainted because of it. Add that to the demands of a newborn, my existing conditions and not being able to do things to escape it and heal like I was able to do last time it all kicked off and this woman expects my friend to drop vital support to me when I need her most. It just infuriates me.

am I being a spoilt brat for feeling that way? Because of past trauma I tend to overthink and over worry so I’m panicking a bit in case something blows up and I’m isolated. I know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village. I wish I had the means like some people to constantly hire help with the early days in case the worst does happen. I keep thinking what if I have a bad birth and I get no help and I’m dealing with emotional trauma

OP posts:

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Noseybookworm · 23/01/2024 00:50

It sounds like your friend's mum is worried about her taking on too much. She's concerned for her daughter I don't think that's unreasonable!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2024 00:51

Op are you the poster with sight issues who's unhappy her SIL has a bigger house? If so you REALLY need to stop the "she's got this and I don't" tantrums.

What did your friend say to you? Did she say "so I laughed at her and told her I'm an adult, thanks Mom" or did she say "so I'll see you once a month without the car and I'm not touching the baby!" cos really HER response is the only one that matters.

But yes it is unreasonable to assume friend will come over and provide a set level of care to you for free consistently, regardless of how often she sees other friends

Mumoftwo1312 · 23/01/2024 00:53

Could the mum be imagining you're the sort of new mum who needs space? Sort of like "when OP has her baby, she might not want you round there quite as much"? That's what I assumed it meant before I read the rest of your op.

Fwiw lots of new mums prefer not to have too much visiting (I'm that type) - it's fine that you prefer visitors and could do with the help, but maybe that's what the mum assumed.

Josette77 · 23/01/2024 00:54

I think her mum sounds right to be concerned.

Do you have another plan if she can't help you? It sounds like a lot of pressure is on this woman.

Mumoftwo1312 · 23/01/2024 00:56

Also you mention that your husband is supportive but then you say you're worried you'll have a bad birth and have no help... Will dh not get some paternity leave, can he extend it using annual leave or a couple of weeks unpaid?

Edit because I phrased badly, didn't mean to sound cold

HeddaGarbled · 23/01/2024 01:00

Yeah, she’s worried about her daughter taking on too much. Does she work? It would be a lot for her to take you and baby out once a week and the other friend and child out once a week on top of her own commitments.

Your friend sounds lovely and sometimes lovely people aren’t very good at protecting themselves from being stretched too thin. It’s good that her mum’s got her back.

I’m sure you’ll work something out that works for all of you, but don’t be cross with her mum. She’s just being caring and protective towards her daughter and that’s exactly what a mum should be.

FacingTheWall · 23/01/2024 01:01

Sorry, it sounds like you’re expecting a lot from your friend, and her mum has realised that even before the baby arrives. You have a husband, that’s your support system. Expecting a friend to be the one who encourages you to leave the house and physically help with a baby, is expecting too much.

The fact that the mum has spoken up now suggests that she thinks you already ask too much of her daughter, otherwise why would it even enter her head?

Alex Drake · 23/01/2024 01:04

Your friend's mum is looking out for her daughter. Do you rely on your friend a lot? Perhaps she thinks that once your baby is born a lot might be expected of your friend? The fact the your friend mentioned this to you might mean that she feels similar.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 23/01/2024 01:05

You sound hurt because the mum implied you would take advantage of her daughter. Are you sure you wouldn't? It does sound like you think you are entitled to her time.

Rubes24 · 23/01/2024 01:07

It sounds like her mum is worried about her doing so much for others and maybe stretching herself too thin. It is obviously very lovely if a friend choses to come and help out and offer support from time to time but its not her job and I think you are maybe expecting a bit much from her. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone. You sound like you have a lovely DH, and he should be your main support when the baby comes.

To be honest it feels a bit entitled to expect your friend to drop her own life/ responsibilities to help with your new baby.

diefledermaus · 23/01/2024 01:08

Honestly? I think it sounds like you feel like the world owes you a favour and your friends mum is helping her to protect her time and energy. Or that your friend has invented her mum saying anything of the sort as a means of bringing it up with you without being the bad guy.
Resenting your friend helping another friend because she doesn't have a disability sounds petty and I can see why the friend and her mother may want to not feel taken advantage of.

Frozensun · 23/01/2024 01:10

“These are normally weekly visits and my friend takes them out and helps her a bit to get them out of the house which is great but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying”
Dear God! Entitlement runs big here. So, you trump everyone else? Totally irrelevant if you have a disability or not. You and your husband decided to have a baby. If someone wants to give you some of their time, that’s wonderful. Your level of expectation is not.

Isittimeformynapyet · 23/01/2024 01:18

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Original poster

NewbieToThis · 23/01/2024 01:20

I see all your concerns about my friend but I’m not expecting her to do anything. She offered to take us out regularly. She does work part time and still lives at home. We meet up regularly to go out shopping and for lunch. She’s an amazing help but I never expect her to do everything. Her mum while I can see her concern is an overbearing mum and has held my friend back in life as she expects my friend to run after her and her family constantly and they always put her down. My friend is strong willed and says how she feels.

with my disability and having a baby I do worry about isolation as I’m the type of person who needs to get out of the house regularly to keep low mood at bay and what I went through 3 years ago has scarred me a bit. I can take my baby out for walks on my own or to the shop if it’s a familiar place. My husband is amazing. He will get the paternity leave. I do worry about the affects of any potential future family agro on him as it hit him quite badly last time. I dread to think of having that to deal with on top of a baby. Maybe I should look into home start as they have volunteers who help new families by visiting and helping once a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewbieToThis · 23/01/2024 01:25

I would love to be one of those high flying influencers who get to buy in help when they have a baby. It really annoys me when they cry and try to sound relatable “oh having a baby is so so hard” well you have the means to hire a nanny and/or you can take the baby in the car with you on a trip out. Some people have to manage with a lot less and have health conditions that don’t go away when they have a baby

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/01/2024 01:26

she expects my friend to run after her and her family constantly

She has a carer script from her family. And you she offers help and another friend... Anyone caring for her without expectations?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2024 01:27

I think your friend's mum has you pegged, honestly. You seem to expect way too much from other people when it comes to caring for your child. This is your baby, you chose to have this child, you have to figure it out. No one owes you childcare.

EnjoyTheMushrooms · 23/01/2024 01:30

I suspect your friend agrees with her mum otherwise she wouldn’t have mentioned it. Maybe a slightly passive aggressive way of bringing up the topic with you.

Original poster

NewbieToThis · 23/01/2024 01:33

I’m not expecting her to give me constant childcare as me and my husband will mainly do that but I like to spend time with my friend and to get out and about. I can’t be stuck in all the time and isolated. It’s not fair on me or the baby. Maybe I should just look into hired help to take me out once a week. I’m scared I’ll get postnatal depression

OP posts:

JMSA · 23/01/2024 01:35

Mumoftwo1312 · 23/01/2024 00:53

Fwiw lots of new mums prefer not to have too much visiting (I'm that type) - it's fine that you prefer visitors and could do with the help, but maybe that's what the mum assumed.

This is what I thought too.

Maybe she thought her daughter would be the one overwhelming you!

Duckingfun · 23/01/2024 01:37

It’s interesting that you’ve taken a comment that looks out for you (most new mums don’t want constant visits or to be going out loads) and turned into something it’s not.

WandaWonder · 23/01/2024 01:38

Op you chose to have a baby it is up to you how you handle it, you made your choices

The mum is concerned for her child and all we have is your view on all this.

Would your friend have a different version if they were on here?

Chichimcgee · 23/01/2024 01:39

NewbieToThis · 23/01/2024 01:25

That’s such a bizarre thing to say. You’ve not even had the baby yet and you’re talking about nanny’s and getting carers and help in. With all due respect, get a grip.

FreyafromLondon · 23/01/2024 01:41

Why are you having a baby if you're so concerned about the care you can give it? You should be certain you can look after your baby before falling pregnant

Isittimeformynapyet · 23/01/2024 01:43

but I like to spend time with my friend and to get out and about. I can’t be stuck in all the time and isolated. It’s not fair on me or the baby.

Not fair? Can't you see how this statement sounds to others? This is entitlement.

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