AIBU to be annoyed/worried that best friends mum told her not to visit all the time when my baby arrives?

[NewbieToThis]

Hi so I know this may be a stupid thing to post but my friend told me about a comment her mum said to her which was along the lines of “now when her baby arrives you’re not to go to her house to visit all the time week in week out, only now and again. She’s not expecting you to look after her baby and for you to take her and that baby out” when my best friend (who yes is one of my main sources of support but I don’t expect her or ask her to do everything for me and won’t when the baby arrives although I may need some help. Mainly to get out of the house as I have a disability and can suffer with low mood) told me that I felt very annoyed and worried about what her mum had said. I get she worries that her daughter get taken advantage of but she knows I’m not like that and she also knows that yes I may need help sometimes but I’ll not be expecting my friend to just take over. My friend also regularly visits her other friend who has a young child. These are normally weekly visits and my friend takes them out and helps her a bit to get them out of the house which is great but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying. What annoys me also is that my friends mum knows that my family don’t get on with my in laws and she likely knows my worries of the feud flaring up again when my baby is born and me losing or having that support tainted because of it. Add that to the demands of a newborn, my existing conditions and not being able to do things to escape it and heal like I was able to do last time it all kicked off and this woman expects my friend to drop vital support to me when I need her most. It just infuriates me.

am I being a spoilt brat for feeling that way? Because of past trauma I tend to overthink and over worry so I’m panicking a bit in case something blows up and I’m isolated. I know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village. I wish I had the means like some people to constantly hire help with the early days in case the worst does happen. I keep thinking what if I have a bad birth and I get no help and I’m dealing with emotional trauma

What's not fair for you or the baby? If you need to get out everyday then you need to take yourself out.

It's not fair for you to
think she is responsible for that.

It kinda feels like you expect her to be your babysitter.

I thought that! It’s very much ‘I’m disabled so am entitled to more than anyone else regardless’

You sound a bit selfish to me . And also , this is MN . Most MNs that have newborns can’t bear for many visitors and won’t even open the door to some !! Huh!! Maybe her mum is thinking that way . For her to not be a pain in the ass to you !

Not everyone has a bad birth.

Not everyone gets post natal depression.

However, have you put positive structures into place now to help with routine after the birth?

Do you get outside now for a walk around the block or the local dog park every day? It’s only a little thing but if you are in the same place at the same time every day, others doing the same thing become familiar and, eventually, acquaintances. If you haven’t started, get started today.

Have you looked at facilities available for new mothers so you know what you can do and where you can go on your own? Have your own resources good to go so that friend becomes a treat rather than an expectation.

And, please, look forward to your new life as a glass half full. Yes, there will be difficult times but babies are fun! And your own baby is the best fun!

This isn't a normal experience for most people who have babies, so it seems a bit unusual to feel bitter about it. If someone has been motivated enough to earn a huge pile, good luck to them. Often things aren't as fabulous as they seem behind closed doors though.
I think your plan to see what help is available in the community is a really great idea. First babies can be such a shock to our normal daily life, even with a lovely partner such as yours. It would be great to know what resources you can add to your village.
Your friend sounds like she has a lot on her plate and her mum's motivations might not be the best.
Being a mum drags us all kicking and screaming into be a proper grown up and the grievances we worried about the week before are forgotten. Any free resources for support that your health nurse etc. can advise you of will definitely help support the transition.

I have two friends with disabilities OP. One is blind and the other has MS. They both have PIPs and personal assistants. They both get depressed. BUT, they get out and about (although both get tired) and have more than one friend.

They are fun and interesting, and I don't think I've ever heard them utter the words "it's not fair".

Use your words OP. Tell your friend yourself that you still want to see her but don’t expect her to be doing any cleaning/fetching and carrying. Meet on neutral ground? That way it’s obvious you are just meeting for each other’s company and not to help you with adulting.

You have obviously been through a trauma. Your friend sounds lovely.
You sound selfish and entitled. Its all about you. She's having a baby so she will be less available. You should go to your gp and ask for help.

OP I have a disability and I had 2 under 2. I used to get the bus/taxi to get out and about, I went to baby groups and tried to make mum friends, I know not every disability is the same and you may struggle but there are lots of options to support new mums, speak to your HV or midwife about your concerns. Try not to catastrophise, you will be fine.

In regards to your friend's mum, please don't be annoyed at her, she's only looking out for her and I would look at why your friend has told you - does she agree with her mum and is being passive about telling you? Was she annoyed at her mum and is saying don't worry I'll ignore?

Sounds like your friend already does a lot (maybe too much) for one person and her mum is worried about doing the same with you- and you do sound like you intend on relying on her already. If I was her mum I'd be concerned too, as you are happy to dismiss her job and family, because you've decided you need to be looked after more. And similar sounding issues with the other friend she currently sees. You need to look for strategies with your husband as to how you'll cope, and at the moment you have family too unless you fall out with them. Your friend coming round shouldn't be something you rely on for your social outings or help.

Not surprised the mum has spoken up....she can see exactly where this is heading! I think your friend needs to run for the hills, given how entitled and demanding you're sounding here....you chose to have a baby, now deal with it.

How lovely that you and your husband will do the majority of baby care. Do you even hear yourself?

You are not your friends responsibility. You getting out of the house is not her responsibility.

Your mental health is not her responsibility.

"but I like to spend time with my friend and to get out and about. I can’t be stuck in all the time and isolated. It’s not fair on me or the baby. Maybe I should just look into hired help to take me out once a week. I’m scared I’ll get postnatal "

Can you not see that you are putting all the pressure on your ONE friend here. You are relying on her way too much practically and psychologically. Make some new friends. Join baby groups. Join a bookclub. It isn't for her to carry you and your imagined problems (like PND).

Trust the thread. Trust your friend. We are all saying that you expect way too much of her. It is unhealthy and certainly makes her feel overwhelmed. What about your other friends/networks?

You don't expect your friend to "do everything" or provide "constant childcare". Then what are you expecting? It sounds like rather a lot.

You mention needing support and "a village". May I ask what you've provided for others OP? Or what you do or have done for your friend? These things should go both ways.

Good to know that you and your husband plan to do most of the care for your newborn. Read your posts back to yourself and listen to the tone - your friend isn’t there to be your chauffeur at your whim.

Wow. I'd be telling friend to avoid you at all costs. You are being way too selfish and entitled. You chose to have a baby- it's up to you to manage yourself and your emotions with your husband as your support- NOT your friend.if you're that worried- go see a GP and get referred.

Hmm. I can sense the panic for you but I also think it's somewhat indicative of how you see your friend that missing spending time with them doesn't feature in your concerns at all. Just missing the support and help seems to be the thing you are worried about.

That does rather suggest the friendship is only as valuable as it is useful to you. Which is a real shame for your friend who - I think - deserves more than that.

This.
If you and your dh don't feel capable of researching these for yourselves, speak to your midwife/hv.

This is the same OP who is jealous that her SIL has a bigger house, apparently she should have a bigger house because she has a disability.

@Waffle19 also same op who planned on 'giving up the baby' due to stress from not being able to vape and issues at work.
Op, have you spoken to your midwife as all of this is incredibly concerning.

Is that thread still available?

OP it sounds like you think your friend owns you something. Just you saying 'my husband and I will do most of childcare' - well, that's the normal.
Bringing influencers in - that lifestyle is not reality for most people.
It sounds you have a lot of anger built up.
As harsh as if sounds, your friend doesn't owe you anything and I think her mum can tell you're planning on having her do a lot of stuff for you and she's worried for her daughter.

Or you saying that she works part-time and lives at home - why is this relevant? Just because of that, it doesn't mean she owes you something.

I'm sorry @NewbieToThis I didn't realise - but then I don't think you made this point very clear in your OP - that your best friend kept on insisting time and time again that you must have a baby! Would you mind telling me if her bullying you into having a baby went on for months or years OP? I am just interested in how long you were able to withstand her constant demands for you to have a baby?

I'm also sorry that I am going to ask you yet another question, as I don't think I will be able to fall asleep without knowing the answer! I'm sure that you realise that that would be unfair on me, seeings how you put the thoughts into my head in the first place?

Anyway, my other question - which is very much related to my first question to you - is:

did your friend get your husband to agree to you and he having a baby together:

a) immediately?
b) after a few demands?
c) after a few months?
d) after a few years?
e) another?

Oh, OP, one last question (promise), are you able to tell me/us how your dear friend managed to convince your DH to try for a baby with you, when he presumably knew how vulnerable and disabled you are, and that therefore, even between the two of you - him and you OP - you couldn't manage the logistics of having a baby without your friend's help?

I'm sorry for being daft but how can you tell it's the same person? By their writing style? Never saw that thread though but if it's the same person, there are some massive concerns here.
My question would be why this lovely husband agreed to have a baby with a person who needs urgent help. Having a baby can absolutely overwhelm someone who is already vulnerable, to the breaking point.