AIBU to be annoyed/worried that best friends mum told her not to visit all the time when my baby arrives?

[NewbieToThis]

Hi so I know this may be a stupid thing to post but my friend told me about a comment her mum said to her which was along the lines of “now when her baby arrives you’re not to go to her house to visit all the time week in week out, only now and again. She’s not expecting you to look after her baby and for you to take her and that baby out” when my best friend (who yes is one of my main sources of support but I don’t expect her or ask her to do everything for me and won’t when the baby arrives although I may need some help. Mainly to get out of the house as I have a disability and can suffer with low mood) told me that I felt very annoyed and worried about what her mum had said. I get she worries that her daughter get taken advantage of but she knows I’m not like that and she also knows that yes I may need help sometimes but I’ll not be expecting my friend to just take over. My friend also regularly visits her other friend who has a young child. These are normally weekly visits and my friend takes them out and helps her a bit to get them out of the house which is great but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying. What annoys me also is that my friends mum knows that my family don’t get on with my in laws and she likely knows my worries of the feud flaring up again when my baby is born and me losing or having that support tainted because of it. Add that to the demands of a newborn, my existing conditions and not being able to do things to escape it and heal like I was able to do last time it all kicked off and this woman expects my friend to drop vital support to me when I need her most. It just infuriates me.

am I being a spoilt brat for feeling that way? Because of past trauma I tend to overthink and over worry so I’m panicking a bit in case something blows up and I’m isolated. I know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village. I wish I had the means like some people to constantly hire help with the early days in case the worst does happen. I keep thinking what if I have a bad birth and I get no help and I’m dealing with emotional trauma

This doesn't sit with me very well OP, as a stranger looking in, I think you're placing a responsibility on your friend to maintain your MH, and rescue you from isolation with your new baby.
That isn't a responsibility that is hers and I can see why her mother is concerned.

Speak to your HV for resources for disabled parents, and go to baby groups. If anyone needs to step in to ensure you are supported, that should be your husband.

"Those high flying influencers" are a TINY minority, most people just get on with it.

Based on this and your other threads you sound incredibly entitled and I think you urgently need to reevaluate your expectations.

This is YOUR baby. Of course it's lovely to have support but you cannot rely on other people doing everything (or as much as you're expecting) for you - unless of course you're paying.

This is exactly what I meant upthread.

You need to stop with the pity party. You chose to have this baby.

Stop with the "and it'll be so hard for me because everything is so hard and I'm so hard done to and everyone finds it easier and how dare they complain when only I should be allowed to complain!!".

You will, in all likelihood have a healthy baby who comes home with you. Which means you'll have a hell of a lot easier ride than many like me who's babies were critically ill. But every time someone complained about those early days at home I didn't start wailing about how they aren't allowed to complain because I matter more.

You could look for a mother's helper type role, with a car. Someone who can take you to a preplanned class a couple of half days a week or out to the park etc.

It makes me so sad to think of the people desperate to give a baby a loving home who never will get the chance.

OP if you’re not up for it, I’m sure someone else would be delighted to look after him if you won’t.

I am hoping a lot of what you’re saying is just rooted in anxiety and that you won’t actually treat him with the selfishness you are showing here.

He has to be your top priority day in day out. Tired ? Sick? Disabled ? It doesn’t matter. He needs you. No one else is going to show up for you and replace being his mum. This is all on you.

Yes being a mother is hard but it’s also the most enriching, worthwhile, joyful thing one can do. Why not see this opportunity to create a happy life for your son and lean into it with everything you have and put all your energy into setting yourself up with the support you think you’ll need by referring yourself to the appropriate agencies now? Your midwife can help you.

If you don’t think you can do this for him, then please let the authorities know now rather than fucking things up for him. You get ONE shot at this.

I am horrified reading the posts that other people have dragged up from the OP.

I don't want to be nasty, so I won't say any more but babies are an absolute blessing and deserve to be treated as such.

Your friend's mum is looking out for her own baby, that's all

know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village

Hmmmm!

OP why cant you look after your own baby? You are trying to rally the troops to help you before youve even had the baby? Why did you have a baby if you cant/dont want to look after it. The only person who should be helping you is DH. While on maternity leave yes it will be mainly you if DH works but surely you knew this before making the decision to try for a baby?

From another post by OP

all this stressing and other stuff going on is making it hard to bond with my unborn son and making me regret falling pregnant. I feel if I lose my job on Tuesday then I’ll completely detach from him and consider giving him up

This poor child is "hopefully" going to end up in care. Why you have chosen to bring a life into the world i will never know with posts i have read on other threads too

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Unfortunetly not. There are a few threads by OP asking about baby milk and other things. All have worrying comments too about not wanting the baby etc.

@NewbieToThis genuinely what are you hoping to get out of this thread? The overriding themes have been the same in every thread you’ve posted yet you still don’t seem to have sought help from your midwife or taken any accountability.

Having a baby is absolutely a blessing, but it’s also bloody tough. Not everyone has a village, and even if you are lucky enough to have that support there’s no guarantees your villagers won’t get sick or have their own problems to contend with. Ultimately the buck stops with you and your husband. At the end of the day nobody else is responsible for your baby, and no amount of “it’s not fair” changes that.

Perhaps you should have thought about this before having a second baby? I mean that in the nicest possible way, but all these concerns should have been ironed out before you even started trying for a second.

I am pregnant, with a disability and suffered PTSD as a consequence of my first birth. This second birth took a LOT of consideration, but I absolutely do not expect anyone to bring them up bar me and my partner.

Wow you sound very entitled. If you were that concerned of not being able to do things why did you call pregnant? A baby is about to come into your life that needs love and care 24hours a day. You chose to be that person when you fell pregnant. From other replies on here it’s very worrying and you need to speak to your midwife or social workers as I have genuine concern for this child when he/she arrives.

I originally read this as her mum warning her daughter to give you space so you’re not overwhelmed with visitors all the time but having got to the end, I think this is a mum not wanting her daughter taken advantage of.

You can’t expect this level of care from your friend. Your partner is your support system and everything on top is a bonus. Just because your friend does that for another friend doesn’t mean she has to do it for you and you’re already talking about it like something has been taken away from you. If you are worried about getting out and about whilst on maternity leave, make a plan with your partner. If you are worried about birth trauma/emergency section/postnatal depression, make a plan with your partner and speak to the health visitor and your midwife team.

You need to assume you and partner are going to be doing 100% of the care between you rather than getting annoyed about care being withdrawn when it hasn’t even been offered.

if you are so ill why on earth are you having a baby????

It’s a first baby

I have looked through some of this users previous posts and I am honestly horrified. If your child has autism then they’re getting put in foster care? My 2 year old has cancer and due to him being isolated in hospital for so long is now behind developmentally. Did I turn around and say ‘no thanks, throw him in care’?! Absolutely not. I love him more than anything else in the world and would do absolutely anything I could to help him in any way possible. I have worked for the same company since I was 16 (16 years this year) and have been off for 6 months to care for him and have now been told I’ll be sacked within the next 8 weeks for my absence. I don’t care, my child is my priority. In work you are just a number, but to your child you are everything. So I think blaming your unborn child for losing your short term job is shameful. You urgently need help from a professional.

Yes, realised after I’d re-read it! Same applies, though. Things like that should have been considered before proceeding with the pregnancy.

Some really concerning previous posts that OP has written which suggest she is absolutely not ready for a baby.

he better be an easy baby and not wreck my next job lol. He’ll be sleep trained by that point and if not well he will just have to lump it baby will probably be born damaged anyway so I’m gonna get a vape lol

that’s ops comment about going back to work when baby is 6 months and being upset that she can’t vape.

I really hope social services get involved from the get go because you don’t want to be a mum, have no maternal instinct and are frankly an awful person.