AIBU to be annoyed/worried that best friends mum told her not to visit all the time when my baby arrives?

[NewbieToThis]

Hi so I know this may be a stupid thing to post but my friend told me about a comment her mum said to her which was along the lines of “now when her baby arrives you’re not to go to her house to visit all the time week in week out, only now and again. She’s not expecting you to look after her baby and for you to take her and that baby out” when my best friend (who yes is one of my main sources of support but I don’t expect her or ask her to do everything for me and won’t when the baby arrives although I may need some help. Mainly to get out of the house as I have a disability and can suffer with low mood) told me that I felt very annoyed and worried about what her mum had said. I get she worries that her daughter get taken advantage of but she knows I’m not like that and she also knows that yes I may need help sometimes but I’ll not be expecting my friend to just take over. My friend also regularly visits her other friend who has a young child. These are normally weekly visits and my friend takes them out and helps her a bit to get them out of the house which is great but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying. What annoys me also is that my friends mum knows that my family don’t get on with my in laws and she likely knows my worries of the feud flaring up again when my baby is born and me losing or having that support tainted because of it. Add that to the demands of a newborn, my existing conditions and not being able to do things to escape it and heal like I was able to do last time it all kicked off and this woman expects my friend to drop vital support to me when I need her most. It just infuriates me.

am I being a spoilt brat for feeling that way? Because of past trauma I tend to overthink and over worry so I’m panicking a bit in case something blows up and I’m isolated. I know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village. I wish I had the means like some people to constantly hire help with the early days in case the worst does happen. I keep thinking what if I have a bad birth and I get no help and I’m dealing with emotional trauma

That's how I read it too!

As someone who did get postnatal depression... no.

You can't ward off a chemical imbalance in your brain caused by hormones and trauma and exacerbated by stress and sleepless nights with a friend coming round for play dates.

You're getting yourself worked up over something that might not happen, but you're making demands of your friend to prevent it.

Firstly, she, and no one else, cannot change how your body responds to the huge change that will happen.

Secondly, it isn't fair on her to put that pressure on her.

PND isn't being a bit sad, or stressed. It isn't cured by someone coming round to clean the kitchen whilst you shower or going for a coffee date.

If you are unfortunate enough to experience it, your friend MAYBE not being there to support you is the LEAST of your concerns.

You cannot plan for PND other than to make your midwife aware you think you are high risk. They will help point you in the direction of the services you need.

You ARE entitled to help. But that's why the services exist. That's why charities exist. Your friend is NOT your mental health safeguard.

And if your friend decided (as an adult is entitled to do) that she won't offer the same level of support she does to another friend... what's unfair? She has her reasons. Maybe that friend has troubles you don't know about. Maybe she's already driving past her house to go to somewhere they'd both plan to go anyway. Maybe she just enjoys her company more.

You'd be better off having a grown up conversation with your friend about what she wants to do when baby is here. Then one with partner about your needs. Then one with as many health care providers and services and charities as it takes until you build up the 'village' you need.

Edit: spelling

The entitlement is shocking. Her mom doesn’t want her getting sucked into your circus and judging by the attitude her mom’s right!

Your disabilities and child aren't your friends problem , you knew you had these issues when you decided to have a child why when you rely so heavily on others to help you , it's not fair on them OR the child.
Her mother has a right to worry you sound very entitled tbh !

You keep saying you don't ask your friend to help, she just does, but you're using words like angry, furious and annoyed if she stops. You also say you rely on her to get out the house. You say her mother is overbearing and she takes advantage of you friend but your wording sounds like you do exactly the same thing. Sorry OP, you chose to have a baby, it's your husband's place to support you and the baby and see that you get out of the house. If your friend was "strong willed" then her mother nor you nor the other friend would be able to take advantage of her. By the way, I became severely disabled and was a divorced single mother so didn't have a husband to help and know how hard it is. Stop imagining problems like a difficult birth or post natal depression. Enjoy being pregnant, look forward to meeting your baby and put plans in place with your husband so he helps and takes you out at weekends. Don't take advantage of anyone and see your friend occasionally.

You’re talking about your friend helping out in the same breath as talking about influencers getting help/ nanny etc so you are actually in a way maybe without completely knowing it comparing your friends help to a nanny I do feel. I’m sorry op but you can say your friends mum is overbearing if you like but you do sound like a very woe is me miserable kind of person sorry that is harsh but sometimes people do need the harsh truth and you did put yourself out there for responses. You having a baby should not impact your friend in any way whatsoever so you cannot rely on your friend who sounds absolutely lovely to do anything above what she already seems to do for you which does sound like a lot already. I hope you are there for others in the same way you expect from them. You said I can’t be stuck in all the time and isolated. It’s not fair on me or the baby. I think this sounds a very toxic way to think and maybe you should seek out some sort of therapy or something because don’t feel this is a healthy way to feel re a new baby and thoughts like this can maybe lead to pp anxiety/ depression. I’d suggest getting off social media as you have made a couple of comments about influencers etc and it’s not healthy to compare your lives to others. Everyone has their problems and worries and on social media people only share the best stuff but it’s not healthy to be on it or maybe block the specific ones that have triggered this jealousy you seen to have. Good luck

Agree 100% look forward to having your wee baby with your husband

Hello everyone, sadly we have had to delete quite a few posts on this thread for troll hunting which goes against our Talk guidelines. So we thought it best to remind you that we take a very dim view of troll hunting on the boards. As ever, if you have any concerns please report them to us rather that air them on a thread. Mumsnetters who continually break our TG may have their accounts suspended which is something we would rather avoid.
MNHQ

Ok, it really sounds like you’re worried and anxious about this baby. This is completely normal. Becoming a mum is hard and there is a lot to worry about. My advice would be to tell your husband your worries about your parents and make sure that they have set times to visit to avoid clashes that will add to your stress. Plan now so that everything that can be done now, is done before baby arrives to help with the initial few weeks- especially meal prep, cleaning etc. make sure that he knows that while he is on Paternity leave then it’s his job to run the house, yours is to heal. Talk to your friend about your concerns- as your friend I’m sure she’d be happy to take you out for coffee weekly and definitely come and cuddle the baby while you nip for a shower but not if these things that she HAS to do. You really should try and ask her as you want to go out with HER, not because you want to go out and can’t unless she takes you. It’s not her job. If you just need transportation then you really should call a taxi. Motherhood can be lonely and isolating but baby groups can really help with this. I know it’s hard but talk to your midwife about your PND worries- there are things that you can do now, like vitamin D supplements, that might help and they can keep a closer eye on you in case it does manifest. Take care, it’s going to be ok.

I’m sorry but…. how old are you? 12? ‘It’s not fair on me…’

This is 100% a you problem. Your life, your baby, your choice. You are no one else’s responsibility.

I like to spend time with my friend and to get out and about

Then, go for a walk.

What if your friend said she’d come and see you for coffee (or you go to her house) once a week or twice a month but she didn’t want to drive to you, take you and your baby and all the stuff out somewhere and then drive you home again? What would you say to that?

I don’t see my friends once a week, let alone ‘take them out’. Because I’m not a carer.

You sound a little entitled to be honest. I understand her mums comment may have hurt your feelings but she obviously knows how much her daughter does for you, and add a baby in to the mix she knows you will probably want extra help. And to say you’re worried you won’t get help anymore but you’re not happy if she still continues to help her other friend… and you can’t be stuck in all the time and it’s not fair on you or the baby. Well quite frankly it is down to you as the parent, it’s not your friends job to make sure you and your baby get out of the house. You chose to have the baby so I’m afraid it’s your responsibility, if your friend is willing to help then that’s great but please don’t take advantage of her kindness. It sounds like you EXPECT all these things from her which is really unfair. Join parent and baby groups, meet other local mums, that will get you out of the house.

I remember you OP and I hope you are okay. Please speak to your midwife as this does sound a lot like
postnatal anxiety. You deserve to be happy and having a disability won’t stop you being a good mum.

Can I ask what troll hunting is ?

I think it’s if there’s a post that’s likely not true and just someone messing about then you can report to mn but troll hunting is basically commenting on threads you think aren’t true saying ‘you’re a troll’ ‘must be a troll’ etc without reporting.

Probably not a bridge dweller actually (I take it back Mumsnet) op has a new post in AIBU

Shes hoping the nurses will look after the baby while she recovers. Think she’s in for a shock

Yes @Mojodojocasahaus a few days in hospital for help, because is a first baby. Sadly a big awakening, some don't even get a night these days depending on time of birth!

I got 24 hours and 2 paracetamol after emergency c section under general anaesthetic. Rushed back 12 hours later with paralysis, infection and retention and I still had to look after my own baby in hospital strangely!

That’s terrible @Duckingfun It’s awful how understaffed to the point of being dangerous the Mat wards are.

I couldn’t go until my blood pressure stabilised but they were constantly late with the meds and then seemed surprised when the readings were all over the shop

It was traumatising, it started so lovely with an amazing midwife and a student midwife, amazing midwife went off shift and new midwife was awful, she told me to push at 5cm even though I didn’t need or want to and I spent so long screaming there was something wrong, begging for gas and air but was told it was too late. Eventually I grabbed the student midwife who had stayed on to be with me even though she didn’t have to and I screamed she’s going to kill us help me 🙈 at which point the student got a doctor who listened to baby who didn’t have a heart beat and we were rushed in, my beautiful dd was resuscitated and after a very rocky 6 months is now doing well. Honestly though I was certain we were both going to die, it was so scary and I knew, I just knew something was wrong. She’s my second and I know what giving birth naturally feels like and it’s so frustrating that I was ignored. I really think if it wasn’t for the student midwife we wouldn’t be here.

Most importantly, how does your friend feel? We know what you want/need but it’s not clear how your friend wants to go ?

@Duckingfun OMG that is absolutely awful, you poor thing. Wishing you and your family all the best