AIBU to be annoyed/worried that best friends mum told her not to visit all the time when my baby arrives?

[NewbieToThis]

Hi so I know this may be a stupid thing to post but my friend told me about a comment her mum said to her which was along the lines of “now when her baby arrives you’re not to go to her house to visit all the time week in week out, only now and again. She’s not expecting you to look after her baby and for you to take her and that baby out” when my best friend (who yes is one of my main sources of support but I don’t expect her or ask her to do everything for me and won’t when the baby arrives although I may need some help. Mainly to get out of the house as I have a disability and can suffer with low mood) told me that I felt very annoyed and worried about what her mum had said. I get she worries that her daughter get taken advantage of but she knows I’m not like that and she also knows that yes I may need help sometimes but I’ll not be expecting my friend to just take over. My friend also regularly visits her other friend who has a young child. These are normally weekly visits and my friend takes them out and helps her a bit to get them out of the house which is great but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying. What annoys me also is that my friends mum knows that my family don’t get on with my in laws and she likely knows my worries of the feud flaring up again when my baby is born and me losing or having that support tainted because of it. Add that to the demands of a newborn, my existing conditions and not being able to do things to escape it and heal like I was able to do last time it all kicked off and this woman expects my friend to drop vital support to me when I need her most. It just infuriates me.

am I being a spoilt brat for feeling that way? Because of past trauma I tend to overthink and over worry so I’m panicking a bit in case something blows up and I’m isolated. I know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village. I wish I had the means like some people to constantly hire help with the early days in case the worst does happen. I keep thinking what if I have a bad birth and I get no help and I’m dealing with emotional trauma

@ScrantonDunderMifflin I have a baby that doesn’t sleep so I spend far too much time on mumsnet, recognised the tone and then user name. You sometimes start to notice the same posters cropping up. My DH has a visual impairment and I offered lots of advice on the OP’s previous thread about the house / how she’d cope but it was all ignored.

I’m not being mean, I do genuinely think the OP needs serious help. @MyGooseisTotallyLoose is right about the probation thread as well, I’d forgotten about that one.

What do you do for your friend OP?

what plans did you put in place to help yourself when trying for this baby?

OP is having the baby, not the friend. Don't worry, I thought at first it was the friend but then the responses were indicating OP so I read it again a few times.

You can search usernames.
I noticed the ‘woe is me’ and thought it was the same poster and I checked and was right.
Visual impairment, thinks life is unfair because sil has a bigger house. Worried about having baby in a small cluttered house. Has 2 dogs who are a higher priority than baby. Thinks the world owes her.

OP I mean this with kindness.

Youre angry at a friend who vapes.
You wanted to give up your child because you work one day a week.
Youre angry that other trainees got ‘your’ training.
You chose your dogs over your baby.
You say you and DH will provide most of childcare (who do you think will parent your baby if not you?)
You are angry that sil has a bigger house.
etc etc

You need help. Nobody owes you anything. Wallowing in self pity isn’t helpful. Accept what you have and get help for your mental health or work for what you want and get help for your mental health. Ultimately stop being so concerned with what other people are doing, stop acting like you should be given everything just because you have disabilities.

You can leave the house with a baby.
Your disability is ADHD not a degenerative spinal condition.

You are about to become a parent so it's really time to grow up and behave like a responsible adult.

Based on your post history I'm 100% on team mum.

'It takes a village ....'

Indeed it does, OP.

HOWEVER, you don't get to enforce who is a villager, how that entire village functions, or which villager is obliged to participate in which village function/s.

It so happens, I help my neighbour who is a single mum with two tiny wee tots. I look after one whilst she drops off/picks up the other from nursery or when she wishes to do some shopping/get her nails done etc. I occasionally look after both if she has a medical appointment that does not fall within nursery hours.

If I even caught a whiff she was expecting me to help out without consultation, I'd bolt and tell her to do the same.

The village exists only by consensus, not by force or wishful thinking.

I always find with the 'it takes a village' is used when people want help but not when they offer to help themselves

If you have a visual impairment OP it might help to consider applying for a guide dog so that you can get out without needing another person to support you.

She is not responsible for your happiness. It’s a gift when she helps you. Don’t take it for granted or she’ll disappear.

Her mum sounds sensible to me and I’m sorry to say but you sound quite entitled which is worrying. My Grandma had a disability and managed 9 children. You can get out yourself you know, there are ways around things. Good luck with your baby and being an independent woman.

@WandaWonder it certainly seems so in the case of the OP, based on what she has written to date.

Her mum while I can see her concern is an overbearing mum and has held my friend back in life as she expects my friend to run after her and her family constantly and they always put her down.

And you expect the same!

Who’s taking care of your friend? Who’s looking after her wellbeing?

Who’s being her ‘village’?

If you want to get out then do so under your own steam. YWBU to rely on one friend to be your main source of social time and entertainment. What if she got a new job or met a partner or decided to move 200 miles away?

Apart from your spouse, who is your child’s other parent, you need to learn to be more self-reliant. Having a baby is really hard and not something to be entered into lightly. Your whole life gets taken up by small children and it’s not fair to put that on friends.

@NewbieToThis you sound like you already have expectations of people doing stuff for you as you're a new mum. I get it thar you have a husband and he will share the load but you can't expect others to help though. Hopefully they will but you sound a bit bratty

Please speak to your midwife about your expectations. Your sense of reality is very much off and I think you could do with some support around this, not just for your well-being but for the well-being of your baby.

This is the same poster who said she plans to put her kids in foster care if she needs a break because you can always get them back when you’re done, as though foster care is like a free child minder!?!

OP I mean this with genuine concern for you and your son at the forefront, but I think the issues with your friend are a red herring. Of course no one but you or your husband are responsible for your child or for your own well-being. If you don’t think you can offer your child care knowing it’s on you both 100% of the time then you do need to speak to social services because ultimately your child will suffer unless you can commit to being his sole carers without expecting others to assist you. This is the reality of parenting, no one is entitled to the ‘village’ you speak of, sure it’s lovely if people want to offer the occasional one off help but your friends aren’t your carers and lots of people have to go it alone. It’s a sad reality of modern life but very normal for many parents, and you aren’t alone, you have a supportive husband but you made the baby and its your job and no one else’s. Your friend is not responsible for your mental health or for driving you around.

I do wonder if you have an undiagnosed learning disability or something more severe than adhd as you seem to possess very little insight or self awareness. You do need to reach out to available services, midwife, health visitor, social services etc and let them know you aren’t coping so that they can put in place some safeguards for you and your son. Perhaps just show them your posts as a starting point….

You really don't seem to understand that having a baby is about them. All of your posts is me, me, me, me, me. What about your poor baby? You are willing to put him into care because you want a break? Can't do your hair and make up? Want to make YouTube videos? Seriously??

Shes still sounds entitled and selfish!

Oh its the 'dogs take priority over the baby' OP.

You need to grow up a bit and stop thinking the world owes you a favour.

Your friends mum is looking out for your friend and making sure she isn't taken advantage of by you.

Your attitude is REALLY poor op.

-Your friend owes you absolutely nothing.

-She can hang out and helps whoever else she likes. Maybe she enjoys spending time with other people who aren’t ‘woe is me’ all the time.

-Your comment about your friend ‘still living at home is irrelevent. Doesn’t matter where she lives. STOP trying to find little ways you think everyone else has it easier than you.

-As a parent, you need to get a grip and stop this attitude that you can only go to familiar places. You need to be researching thing like swimming, soft play, toddler groups, farms, parks, libraries etc.

-Stop comparing your life to influencers. Most people on MN and in reality also can’t afford help and manage.

-Having a baby is hard work. Why did you get pregnant if you didn’t think you could manage it? Please speak your midwife urgently about this.

-If I were your friend’s mum, I’d be telling her to cut ties with you completely.

-What do you do for your friend? Your posts make her sound like your unpaid carer.

Crikey OP, you are not coming across well on this thread. Coupled with the posters that recognise you from other threads this makes me feel very concerned for you and your baby when he arrives. Please reach out and speak openly to your midwife/GP/SS about your disability and your mental health as it sounds as though you will need substantial support once the baby is here.

Unfortunately, you come across on this post in particular, as being extremely selfish and you simply can’t be that way once you have a child as their needs come before everything else.

This.

Especially this >>> Resenting your friend helping another friend because she doesn't have a disability sounds petty

You do sound immature and put way too much on your friend.

As a PP said, you do sound entitled to her time?

She's your friend, not a helper.

Your kid, you and your husband figure it out! You shouldn't be putting any expectations on your friend.

Yes that is highly highly concerning, (and the fake tan aspect too) op, you absolutely CANNOT co sleep with your as you say highly anxious, attachment issued dogs and your baby. Is your dh thinking the dogs are a priority too?

10000%

Mum is right and friend knows her mum is right which is why she brought it up.

She's subtly trying to get you to manage your entitled expectations.

In the nicest way possible OP you do need to get a grip and sort this out for yourself before your baby comes.

You ooze entitlement and are whining already.

Motherhood is hard and given your current attitude you are likely to find it harder. Get on top of it now. Figure it out.