AIBU to be annoyed/worried that best friends mum told her not to visit all the time when my baby arrives?

[NewbieToThis]

Hi so I know this may be a stupid thing to post but my friend told me about a comment her mum said to her which was along the lines of “now when her baby arrives you’re not to go to her house to visit all the time week in week out, only now and again. She’s not expecting you to look after her baby and for you to take her and that baby out” when my best friend (who yes is one of my main sources of support but I don’t expect her or ask her to do everything for me and won’t when the baby arrives although I may need some help. Mainly to get out of the house as I have a disability and can suffer with low mood) told me that I felt very annoyed and worried about what her mum had said. I get she worries that her daughter get taken advantage of but she knows I’m not like that and she also knows that yes I may need help sometimes but I’ll not be expecting my friend to just take over. My friend also regularly visits her other friend who has a young child. These are normally weekly visits and my friend takes them out and helps her a bit to get them out of the house which is great but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying. What annoys me also is that my friends mum knows that my family don’t get on with my in laws and she likely knows my worries of the feud flaring up again when my baby is born and me losing or having that support tainted because of it. Add that to the demands of a newborn, my existing conditions and not being able to do things to escape it and heal like I was able to do last time it all kicked off and this woman expects my friend to drop vital support to me when I need her most. It just infuriates me.

am I being a spoilt brat for feeling that way? Because of past trauma I tend to overthink and over worry so I’m panicking a bit in case something blows up and I’m isolated. I know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village. I wish I had the means like some people to constantly hire help with the early days in case the worst does happen. I keep thinking what if I have a bad birth and I get no help and I’m dealing with emotional trauma

@Chichimcgee oh my goodness!!!!! What's the title of the other posts?? I tried to find them but not sure where they are

@MummyBest just wanted to send care and wishes for your little one to get better soon :(

If you use the search function, don’t put in anything but filter by username they come up.

You need your friends at this time. You should be enjoying your pregnancy and looking forward to seeing your child for the first time. Listen to what people say it tell you and only take on the things you like or suit you. Talk to your midwife, you need some support.

@NewbieToThis what exactly made you think it was a good idea to have a baby? You don’t sound like you have much stability or independence. You sound very entitled to other people’s time and very worried about ‘what ifs and maybes’ I think you seriously need to work it out between yourself and your husband how your going to get out the house never mind expecting your ‘friend’ to get you out and about

Yes you're being extremely unreasonable. Whilst it sounds like you have a tricky life with all due respect you knew your circumstances when chosing to have a child and your friend isn't in any way responsible to do anything to help you she didn't chose to have a baby. You sound extremely entitled and I'd be advising anyone in your friends position to take a step back as well.

Also can I just ask what she gets out of your relationship? What do you do for her?

For some reason, I've been getting your posts without even being in Mumsnet, through those websites that capture stories and come up as suggestions on Facebook. I think it's the first time I've gotten (or noticed) different posts from the same person. But they're quite memorable, so I literally just created an account to answer you directly.

For heaven's sake, you are unreasonable. Every time you asked if you are unreasonable, you are unreasonable. To a level I've seldom seen in my life. If you only pay attention to one thing, please let it be this one:

It's not normal to think of placing a baby you planned to conceive in foster care at every obstacle you imagine. It's not normal to blame an unborn baby you chose to conceive for the difficulties you are experiencing and imagine you will experience. It's not normal to think 'baby better get on with the program or else' - and when that baby is born, that line of thinking will be abusive.

You are either mentally ill and need urgent care, which from your posts I'm not entirely sure you've flagged with your midwife like everybody told you to, or you need a serious attitude adjustment and all the therapy for that.

Also, you'll probably not get anywhere in your life until you lose the idea that you're owed some cosmic idea of 'fair'. It's not fair your friend got to vape and you didn't? It's not fair your friends and family might not want to help? It's not fair if you don't have a village? Seriously, drop that shit. There's no cosmic balance, no scale in which you are deserving just because others got to do it. Your reward for not vaping is giving better chances to your baby of being healthy. Your reward for your planned pregnancy is being able to care for your baby and see him grow. Every extra that comes along your way is nice, but you're not owed it, and you're not entitled to it.

Fabulous post!
As someone who is disabled, I cannot fathom ever having any other thought in mind than what is best for my children, and how I can shape their lives for the better. I have very little support, and the support I do have, I rarely accept... not because it wouldn't be nice, but I want to be the one to meet my children's needs.
I cannot grasp the OP or her opinions at all.

I don't know if there is, but I wish there were a way for MN to share the details of what posters like OP have shared, and their IP addresses, so relevant agencies can be involved because her posts seem to be a signifier of significant neglect and/or abuse that will happen to her children..

And if anyone cares to look into my posting history, I'm very much, your baby, your decision, you should be empowered in your decisions, but OPs decisions are very much centric to her wants, definitely not her babies needs.

@Ohdojustfuckoff I'm also firmly on the ballpark of parents making their own decisions, as long as the child is safe and happy. And I really acknowledge how hard parenting can be, most parents do indeed struggle. I know I've struggled, especially because I deal with chronic pain and other issues on top of it. But it never even crossed my mind to blame the little bub for anything, and if it had, I'd be seeking immediate help.

I cannot fathom the mind of someone who chooses to have a child but seems to prioritise everything but the child from the onset.

Honestly you're basically saying that this baby better be perfect and fall in line in your life instantly or else he's getting put in care.

God forbid your child is born with a disability or some physical health condition. You can't just throw him in case. Second to that you can't just go crying to people. You have to deal with it. You have to face all sorts as a parent. You put your armour on and deal with it head on. That's what a baby needs. That's what a parent does. Sometimes at a cost to themselves.

Your world is about to be rocked and I feel for your baby.

Sleep regressions, screaming, toddler tantrums etc are the bare minimum. You're in for a shock. Based on your threads you'll crumble at the first hurdle.

It sounds like you're going to make everything about you and how it's affects you for this poor child's whole life.

Did you honestly think much about what having a child involves before getting pregnant??

You aren't automatically entitled to anyone's help and you have no right to be be annoyed if your friend chooses to help/spend more time with another friend. That is literally none of your business. Your friend helping another friend doesn't mean you have "lost" anything as your friend's time is not yours to lose in the first place

Judging by the tone of this post I can see why your friend's mum has concerns

@scoobysnaxx I fear the only thought was that of outsourcing responsibility to her friend.

If, IF, this thread (and previous quoted comments) is real, then it's extremely worrying.

At this stage, I assume all we can all do is hope this is not a real situation. In the event it is, then we should all be hoping (praying if that's your thing) some alert medical professional catches on immediately and acts fully in the baby's interests.

I'll admit I've read all sorts on this site, and been emotionally effected. This thread is the worst I can remember and it's giving me sleepless nights for far too many reasons.

I’m a mum with Bipolar disorder who was at a real risk of post partum psychosis but I was determined not to get it and if I did it would be a bridge I crossed when I got to it because my pregnancy was pretty bad and my main concern was my unborn son. Just like yours should be. I live far away from my family and don’t really have a village but we manage. Nobody really spent that much time with me on maternity so I made plans of my own and tried my best to get out.

My son was born poorly prematurely and has since been diagnosed with cerebral palsy amongst other things and I feel sick to think you would ever Chuck your child into care just like that for a condition they can’t help, especially when you have one yourself, is quite frankly sickening.

He is my pride and joy and an absolute miracle and I feel so proud to be his mum. Motherhood has been the toughest thing I’ve ever done but also the best. It’s really stabilised my life and I’ve been able to quarter my mood stabiliser and get discharged after 8 years under mental health services. It could be good for you too if you didn’t have attitude you do.

Where is your perinatal mental health team? You need to talk to them or your GP or midwife. One thing I will say is, sometimes people with illnesses and disabilities, are not exempt from being unreasonable /ah and I don’t like it when people use their disability as a shield to behave like one.

get help and take responsibility. Don’t be a toxic parent to your baby. This might be the making of you! Best wishes.

I'm concerned for you OP... You sound very lonely and that you overthink things a lot. But you also sound very entitled.

However, I'm more concerned about your friend and the pressure she must be under. Im with her mum on this one. You expect too much of her. You say it's not fair on you or the baby to stay in all the time... But it's not your friend who should be taking you everywhere! If you are disabled and can't get out and about, do you not have funding for someone to take you out? (only asking as I know of people who have this, I don't know if everyone gets this though). Can your husband not take you places? You ask too much of her. She needs to look after herself.

I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick with your friend’s mum, she probably doesn’t want her daughter overwhelming you or ‘taking over’ your experience of having your first baby. I knew people who felt a bit stifled by a friend who was always there after they had a baby, maybe she had known of that with a friend or relative. As for wishing you could get help in, I think posters who are saying get a grip are being extremely unfair, you know yourself best and know you might struggle a bit. I’m not sure what support there is in your area but we have the children’s centres here and you can ask your midwife or health visitor to refer you to one of their family support workers who offer that bit of extra support to parents who might need it, a lot of areas also have home start etc. The more you can get organised, declutter, do some meal plans etc before the birth the better as many new parents do get a bit overwhelmed in those first few weeks. Not because newborns are actually generally that difficult (they don’t really make a mess and stay in one place and tend to just want cuddles all the time 🤣) but it’s just such a huge life change when you’ve been used to being able to just do what you want whenever and obviously the anxiety that goes with this new responsibility ❤️ Hopefully your friend will be there anyway and you can reassure her (and her mum) that you do appreciate having her around

Her mum is just saying what most mums would say who remember new mums having constant visitors and feeling overwhelmed. Or maybe she has heard something about you and worries her daughter is being used a bit. I do get the impression from your post that you think of your friend as partly a carer. I may be totally wrong but I'm not reading it as someone wanting their friend around to experience the joy, more you being upset that her mum is trying to take your support away.

she probably doesn’t want her daughter overwhelming you or ‘taking over’ your experience of having your first baby.

I don’t think there is any evidence here suggesting that is the case.

It was your choice to have a baby. If you're not able to cope then that's your issue. Your friend has her own life to lead, and she should not feel obligated to call in on you. You do seem a bit spoiled, and like you have 'poor me' syndrome. Women have been having babies since the beginning of time, including women with disabilities. You're no different or special.

Her Mum is just looking out for her daughter. If you really don't expect her to help out, then surely it's no big deal if she doesn't.

@Stephne2 read the OP's other threads and see if you still think that.

You mean just like how you are expecting her to run after you. You obviously don't see how you sound.

"Maybe I should look into home start as they have volunteers who help new families by visiting and helping once a week"

Youve not even had the baby and youre trying to palm him off on people. Im actually really concerned about this poor child. I hope SS get involved asap from the comments youve made on other posts too

I've read a few comments on this thread that reveal you to be the poster who is jealous of your SIL's house, has a small cluttered house with the dogs, etc etc.

"but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying."
Says it all, really. If you're not a troll, then I'm afraid you just need to get on with life and stop being so resentful.

Her posts make for frightening reading, babies and children are so vulnerable.

I'm so sorry to hear about your little boy @MummyBest. I hope that he will be okay.