AIBU to be annoyed/worried that best friends mum told her not to visit all the time when my baby arrives?

[NewbieToThis]

Hi so I know this may be a stupid thing to post but my friend told me about a comment her mum said to her which was along the lines of “now when her baby arrives you’re not to go to her house to visit all the time week in week out, only now and again. She’s not expecting you to look after her baby and for you to take her and that baby out” when my best friend (who yes is one of my main sources of support but I don’t expect her or ask her to do everything for me and won’t when the baby arrives although I may need some help. Mainly to get out of the house as I have a disability and can suffer with low mood) told me that I felt very annoyed and worried about what her mum had said. I get she worries that her daughter get taken advantage of but she knows I’m not like that and she also knows that yes I may need help sometimes but I’ll not be expecting my friend to just take over. My friend also regularly visits her other friend who has a young child. These are normally weekly visits and my friend takes them out and helps her a bit to get them out of the house which is great but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying. What annoys me also is that my friends mum knows that my family don’t get on with my in laws and she likely knows my worries of the feud flaring up again when my baby is born and me losing or having that support tainted because of it. Add that to the demands of a newborn, my existing conditions and not being able to do things to escape it and heal like I was able to do last time it all kicked off and this woman expects my friend to drop vital support to me when I need her most. It just infuriates me.

am I being a spoilt brat for feeling that way? Because of past trauma I tend to overthink and over worry so I’m panicking a bit in case something blows up and I’m isolated. I know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village. I wish I had the means like some people to constantly hire help with the early days in case the worst does happen. I keep thinking what if I have a bad birth and I get no help and I’m dealing with emotional trauma

I was going to vote YANBU until I read this line

but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying

This just comes across as very entitled. I can see why her mum is concerned

I feel genuinely concerned for the welfare of this baby to be honest. What if it doesn’t sleep and cries for hours? Or you know just behaves like a normal baby? OP please let your care team know of your concerns and ideas.

I am actually starting think you’re having a baby because you want attention rather than wanting to be a parent. Nothing you’ve said has made me think you’re either capable or even willing.

I can’t be stuck in all the time and isolated. It’s not fair on me or the baby

This thread cannot be real.
Join some local baby groups then? This isnt your friends problem.

If you really are the previous poster who said all that about the house, dogs etc.. then WOW.

How old are you?

And this >>> This is the same poster who said she plans to put her kids in foster care if she needs a break because you can always get them back when you’re done, as though foster care is like a free child minder!?!

Seriously?

You have NO BUSINESS having a child if you so clearly could not cope.

Based on what you've written this is going to be a disaster..

To be fair to you, if your friend has willingly suggested she’d like to spend time with you and the baby and someone else is stepping in to try to limit that, I can see why that’s upsetting. I think it’s reasonable to be daunted by new parenthood and to want to be able to imagine how your life and routine will be and who you can look to for a bit of support/company. But I do think you should try not to expect too much of this friend, and look out for her as well - maybe she is the kind of person who takes on a bit much because she is caring. Maybe you can say, look I don’t expect you to be around every week or do anything you don’t want to, but I’d love to have your company when you’re free. I’m sure she will still be part of your life, and wish you the best with the transition.

Stop feeling quite so sorry for yourself

This

I've read through your responses and I'm afraid I would have the same concerns as your friends mum.

You say you don't expect anything and yet contradict yourself by then expressing that you need your friend to help you get out and about all the while saying it would be unjust if this other friend continues to get support and you don't.

Your friend sounds lovely but from her mum's perspective she is devoting quite a lot of time and energy into supporting her friends which is very selfless of her, but there may come a time when she can no longer do that. What if she wants to work full time? Or looks to have a family herself? Or some other reason whether she can no longer support you? She is not responsible for maintaining your mental health and you sound like you have attached too much meaning to meeting with her to prevent any PPD and avoiding your low mood. This really should have been part of your decision making before becoming pregnant and I would suggest that, before you give birth, you need to look into the official routes of support provided by care givers. Perhaps discuss it with the midwife who will be able to talk with social services and perhaps activate a support plan for you.

This would be a positive step for you and your friendship as you will be able to see her / and vice versa because you want to rather than because you need to.

So you rely on your friend to get out and about?
Im sorry, but that’s not her responsibility. Its nice if she can do it every so often, but it sounds like you expect it regularly.

You come across as quite entitled and clearly her mum thinks you take advantage of her daughter.

Yes, this is exactly how I read it. In fact, I'm surprised anyone would read more into it.

OP, it sounds like you are spiralling into anxiety over all sorts of things and I think you're right to think about what sort of support you might need. Sounds like you might need someone to chat to about your worries right now, and I mean a professional who can help you unpack it all and put things in perspective. Perhaps your midwife can recommend a local free service? And you can also start looking into things like Homestart for when baby's here.

With kindness, it's not normal to be getting so worried over your friend's mum's harmless comment. Instead of wondering what she meant by it, you want to be aiming for a state of mind where you're just not worrying about things like this or looking for the bad in everything! Good luck with everything.

If your friend reported her mum’s words back to you, she probably wanted you to hear it.

Perhaps she has discussed your various needs for support with her mum, possibly even complaining about it. By reporting it back to you as something her mum has said, she may be trying to give you the message in a non-confrontational and gentler way.

I’m always wary of friendships that are based more on support than having fun/sharing good times. I’ve supported a few friends through bereavements and break-ups etc but for friendships to be genuine and last long-term, the support has to go both ways, and not be relied upon by one party more than the other.

Your husband should be your source of support, particularly with a baby that you both chose to have. It’s not your friend’s responsibility to look after your health and wellbeing and from what you’ve said I think you’re leaning too heavily on her.

I’n also not sure what influencers have to do with anything. If you want their (perceived) lifestyle, find your niche and become one 🤷‍♀️

Imsorry but I think your friend should cut back on helping you and the other friend. Sounds like her mum thinks so too.
You and your baby and this other friend and kids are not her responsibility. You are bith taking advantage of her kind nature and I am on her mums side and glad she has spoken up. Whats your husband for anyway he should be supporting you. Your friend should just be popping in to see you and baby for a casual chat and cuppa now and again. Not your nursemaid. Good on her mum.

I think virtually everyone on the thread shares your friend’s mother’s concerns.

You sound as if your friend is a cake you can’t abide anyone else getting a bigger slice of.

Why did your friend tell you about this comment from her mum OP? I would say because she is worried that too much will be expected of her and she wanted to find a way to voice that to you. You need to make a plan for raising this baby that doesn't rely too heavily on your friend, especially as you have a husband to take you out.

Was this an unplanned pregnancy OP ?

It is sad that you are panicking about how you will cope instead of looking forward to your baby’s arrival.

Your friend’s mum was perfectly entitled to talk to her own daughter privately about how not to take on too much unpaid caring responsibility. Maybe your friend was feeling put upon already or trying to give you advance notice that your expectations of her are too high. After all, your new baby and your disability are nobody’s concern except for you and your DH to work out.
In terms of helping you with your disability, it’s best to expect nothing from your friend at all. Then the odd time she does offer help you will know it’s because she really wants to see you not because she feels obliged and you can regard it is a lovely gift from her and let her know how much you value it.

In the meantime, talk to your DH about exactly how much paternity time he will have and how best he can help you. Also talk to your doctor about your worries about PND and any agencies or charities that may have help available for your disability / circumstances.
If you can, arrange paid help once a week to take you out, as being house bound with a new baby seems to be one of your biggest fears.
With a good solid plan in place, you will feel much happier and be able to look forward.

Then you will be able to stop the very unhealthy and unreasonable stressing about how much help your friend is dishing out to you in comparison to her other friend….and about how unfair it all is if you can’t get out and about.

If you were so concerned about not coping with a baby then why did you get pregnant? It’s not in anyone else to help you get out and about, if you can’t manage that alone you shouldn’t have made a decision to have a child.

You can't just decide that it "takes a village" and that you're entitled to help. You're not.

To be honest you have the attitude of a 5 year old.

This is all very concerning for your baby. Op, I think you need to speak to your midwife

Oh I remember. You’re the poster who said your dogs would be sleeping in bed with you and if the newborn wouldn’t sleep in its cot all the time that you would let it cry in its cot as it had to learn to put up and shut up.

I hope MNHQ helped you get help after your last thread after you stated you’d neglect your child on purpose.

Sounds like your friends Mum has reason to be concerned. Your entitlement is off the scale!

I wish people said this to my inlaws when i had my kids. It sounds to me like shes being considerate of your baby bubble. Its a nightmare when your up all night and people constantly pop round to see the baby. You and your husband surely want some special family time???

What a strange comment

I sympathise about disability and family dynamics, but most people cope without nannies

I think you're relying too much on your friend and her Mum is right to be cautious

This is probably why her mum is speaking up for her daughter 🙄 you are not her responsibility and if she never took you out that would be perfectly fine.

@NewbieToThis how did it go when you had your urgent mental health conversation with your midwife last time you posted?