AIBU to be annoyed/worried that best friends mum told her not to visit all the time when my baby arrives?

[NewbieToThis]

Hi so I know this may be a stupid thing to post but my friend told me about a comment her mum said to her which was along the lines of “now when her baby arrives you’re not to go to her house to visit all the time week in week out, only now and again. She’s not expecting you to look after her baby and for you to take her and that baby out” when my best friend (who yes is one of my main sources of support but I don’t expect her or ask her to do everything for me and won’t when the baby arrives although I may need some help. Mainly to get out of the house as I have a disability and can suffer with low mood) told me that I felt very annoyed and worried about what her mum had said. I get she worries that her daughter get taken advantage of but she knows I’m not like that and she also knows that yes I may need help sometimes but I’ll not be expecting my friend to just take over. My friend also regularly visits her other friend who has a young child. These are normally weekly visits and my friend takes them out and helps her a bit to get them out of the house which is great but I’d be annoyed if I lost that while this other friend continues to have that and this girl has no disability just saying. What annoys me also is that my friends mum knows that my family don’t get on with my in laws and she likely knows my worries of the feud flaring up again when my baby is born and me losing or having that support tainted because of it. Add that to the demands of a newborn, my existing conditions and not being able to do things to escape it and heal like I was able to do last time it all kicked off and this woman expects my friend to drop vital support to me when I need her most. It just infuriates me.

am I being a spoilt brat for feeling that way? Because of past trauma I tend to overthink and over worry so I’m panicking a bit in case something blows up and I’m isolated. I know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village. I wish I had the means like some people to constantly hire help with the early days in case the worst does happen. I keep thinking what if I have a bad birth and I get no help and I’m dealing with emotional trauma

Or on any of the occasions posted, You’re the poster who said your dogs would be sleeping in bed with you and if the newborn wouldn’t sleep in its cot all the time that you would let it cry in its cot as it had to learn to put up and shut up.
Keep sleeping with the dogs to not upset them, but dgaf about the baby it seems!

Yes, I remember that thread.

It sounds like your friend is worried your expectations on her time will be unrealistic and is using her mum as an excuse to raise them with you in advance.

I can’t be stuck in all the time and isolated. It’s not fair on me or the baby.

Right, then make sure you get dressed and go out everyday. This is down to you and your husband, not anyone else. If you really can’t do this, then you need to think about paying for a carer. Have you now talked to your midwife about your worries about not being able to provide this care for your child?

Please don’t lean heavily on your friend-it’s not her ‘job’ to come round and ensure you leave the house regularly. That’s unfair to expect and I think that’s what she’s trying to tell you here.

Absolutely get some hired help to take you out. The fact that your friend has told you what her mum said suggests she's worried about being expected to be an unpaid carer to you and your child.

OP Are you the same person who is almost blind and posted about tripping over your dogs whilst carrying a new baby? And it’s not fair your SIL has a bigger house than you?

Now it’s not fair if your friend helps one friend but not you? I think we can all see why your friends mum is wary of you and the impact this baby is going to have.

Your best friend mum is right. Yabu

I haven't seen any of these previous threads but I'm actually horrified.

Maybe she just wanted to give you a little space? Seriously I'm starting to wonder if people are running out of things to be offended by.

Maybe her mum’s been reading all the masses of MN threads about new parents not wanting any visitors for at least a month, and heaven help any grandparent who dares to ask for a cuddle.

What does your friend get from this friendship?

Sounds like she is just your maid and nanny.

Perhaps her mother sees your true colours.

OP listen to what people are telling you.

You were going to talk to your midwife - what support has she suggested?

I would like to know what you do for your friend or is it all one way?

OP humour me and imagine for a second that your friend calls you and says she's broken both legs. She could still come and spend time with you but she'd just have to sit on the sofa. What is your first thought/reaction?

If it's about how that affects you, you're using your friend.

You sound more interested about your friend getting you out and about then your actual friend. You need a carer to do these things a friends role is to come round for a cuppa a chat and a cuddle with the baby.

Having read this and OPs other threads I really worry for a poor baby being brought into this.

Is it possible that your friend is using her mum to decrease contact with you ? Having read some of your other posts, you are very demanding and feel entitled to be so when friendship is about giving and taking. I wonder if your friend has been complaining about you and her mum said this because you’ll have the baby to keep you busy.
If the mum has told her to see you less because she wants her dd available to do her bidding rather than yours then I feel very sorry for everyone taking advantage of your friend. Where is her village? The village idea only works when people give and take. Are you giving time and effort to others too because your post are all about taking and no giving.
I saw the post about you complaining that SIL has a bigger house than you and assumed that was a troll post but coupled with this, I’m horrified at the entitlement. I also hope that you didn’t say that you’d neglect the baby in favour of the dogs. I’d hope that Social Services would be all over someone abusing a child that way.

You sound immature and entitled. Other people don’t exist to run round after you. Most mums don’t have nannies and cleaners. Some of them are even single mums. You have a husband and he should support you. If you feel you want to get out of the house, then go out. Your statement about it “not being fair” if your friend can’t take you out is gobsmacking in its entitlement. You are not special. Other people have their own lives.

But everyone would love to be one of those people, and very very few can do this. I am a "high earner" according to HMRC and I can assure you I can't afford a nanny to help with a newborn!

I don't think you are unreasonable to say that your condition makes things much harder for you, but you come across as entitled because you seem to have a distorted view of what everyone else is going through.
Having a newborn is isolating and potentially depressing for everyone, not just you. You're lucky to have a supportive partner (and friends from what you are describing!) when others are completely in their own.
And you don't know yet what it will be like, it depends very much on your baby too, some are easy and others aren't, there is no reason for yours to be particularly difficult.

I believe your intentions are good and you don't want to burden your friend, but your language is really not helping you here.
The best people to go out with babies are other people with babies, join your NCT group if you can or look for local mums groups on Facebook.

Sounds like your friends mum is worried that she is taking on too much supporting you. Of course it's nice when a friend is helpful but she may be too kind to say this is too much. You don't give a mention to your friends own commitments in her life. Sounds to me like you are expecting far too much from this friend by way of support. You need to ask for support elsewhere if you have a disability. Speak to your midwife.

Sorry OP, but you do sound terribly entitled. Your friend doesn’t owe you help. Her mum doesn’t want her taken advantage of

Your posts seem to show over and over again how you are expecting a strong support network to help you raise this baby. You do need to be aware that this is not something you can just snap your fingers and expect your friends to provide. From
what I can gather, you have a vision impairment, ADHD and have recently lost your job. You already get some disability benefit, I believe-can you use this to buy in a few hours if carer time each week?

If you feel so hard done by, you shouldn't be having another baby

" I know I’m lucky to have my husband and he’s very supportive and I am to him but it does take a village."

I hate to burst your bubble OP but when baby comes along - and your husband is at work - you'll mostly be doing it on your own like most women out there. Maybe you should have thought about this before you decided to get pregnant.

And yes, you sound extremely spoilt and immature.

If you are unable to leave the house without assistance then hired help sounds a good plan.

"I’m not expecting her to give me constant childcare as me and my husband will mainly do that"

That's good of you OP😂

You're the posted who said their baby would be sleep trained by 7 months and if they didn't like it they have to lump it. And that they better be an easy baby and not "wreck" your next job.

You are the most selfish, self-entitled poster I've ever come across after 8 years on Mumsnet and you need some serious mental health help. Speak to your midwife.