Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Told my mum I’m pregnant and she won’t talk to me

187 replies

asislife · 17/12/2023 23:12

I find out I was pregnant and at 9 weeks I decided to tell my mum as physically I was finding it difficult. I had not decided what I was going to do at the time. I had been seeing the dad on and off for almost 5years and he does not want the baby, it was unplanned.

I told my mum I was pregnant hoping for some support knowing initially she would be disappointed. I am now 13 weeks in and I’ve decided to keep my baby but my mum still won’t speak to me and has said the news has ruined her and she’s embarrassed, ashamed and my life will be very hard. She’s implied I get an abortion.

It’s upsetting because I understand I am looking at life as a single parent now which is already disheartening but I am 25 I work full time with career prospects and I finished uni (as my mum wanted) so i do have some sort of direction and I can definitely make it work although I know it will be very hard.

I do still live at home but I am prepared to move if I have to as I don’t want to burden anyone with my decision. I stay at home to save money and would like to stay at least for after the baby is here. While I understand my mums disappointment, it’s made me feel like I can’t look forward to my baby. Should I feel bad, am I wrong? I feel terrible about it. Any advice or perspective would be great

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 17/12/2023 23:15

I’m sorry but you should figure out your own place to stay.

congratulations on the pregnancy x

RiderofRohan · 18/12/2023 06:34

Congratulations on your pregnancy. In your mum's eyes, you are still quite young and not very established at 25. You still live at home and are not in a stable relationship. So I understand her disappointment.

I think you need to move out. It's not fair to bring a baby into her home when she clearly doesn't want it. If you have the means to do so, as you mentioned, then find your own place for you and the baby.

Luddite26 · 18/12/2023 06:39

Congratulations. Sorry mum but the 1960s were like 60 years ago we hide disappointment and try and be supportive these days
Doesn't your mum watch long lost family?
One day soon the baby that has disappointed her is a real little personality and needs love to thrive.
I personally feel maybe it's time to become that independent woman you want to be. It's not going to be easy but as has been said so many times you won't be the first and you won't be the last. It's not going to be easy but you've decided to go for it and you will get there.x

Bex268 · 18/12/2023 06:40

ah, these things happen and I can guarantee your baby will be a blessing. it might be good if you can to get your own place but your mum will hopefully come round. I wouldn’t be disappointed if you were my child, worried maybe but I think that’s normal. You sound like you’re going to be a great mum!

Boating123 · 18/12/2023 06:42

Save hard now ready to move out when your baby arrives.
There's a good chance she'll come round to the idea when he/she is born but it's good to be prepared in case she doesn't. I'm glad you have followed your heart and done what you wanted/felt right rather than give in to the pressure from your mum and ex to abort. I hope it all goes well.

Christmasisonitsway · 18/12/2023 06:44

I thought you were going to say you were 15...not 25, having been to uni and working full time.
Move out, get settled and have your baby. It will be hard but worth it. Your mum's loss.

flowerchild2000 · 18/12/2023 06:51

I'm so sorry you feel bad. This should be a happy time for you. Don't let her ruin it for you. Do you have an aunt or anyone who could take you in? I'm not quite old enough to be your mother but if my daughter was in your shoes I would shower her with love and acceptance. Actually three of my kids are teenagers, and even now if they had a baby that wouldn't change it for me. Sometimes I daydream about it actually! I had an experience like yours, the dad tried to force me to have an abortion and his family has shunned me. It feels so awful! No one should be treated that way. I'm not helping much, sorry. I hope you can find someone to support you and be happy for you. Try to just think of yourself and your baby and all the things you will do with them. Try to treasure the moments and not stress about life too much, time goes by so fast. It's not worth it to let any negativity get you down.

Cactuslove · 18/12/2023 06:58

I'm a single mum and it's the hardest things I've ever done. Yes my kids are great and my love for them is endless... But i would never choose to be a single parent. I have an amazing career and I own a house and my life is a constant balancing act. I am completely dependent on my parents and good friends to make things work. And I'm writing after 5 weeks of various winter bugs and endless nights of calpol and bed changes etc.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is... Perhaps your mum is a realist and can see how difficult the next few years are going to be. She knows she can't leave you high and dry so shes coming to terms with how her life is going to change too.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, wishing you all the best and give your mum some time I'm sure she will come round in the end. But understand that even if you move out you will still need your mums support and she probably realises this.

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 07:06

Oh, OP.

From your mum's point of view, she had all these hopes and dreams for you and she's been letting you live at home so you can get yourself sorted financially and then you go and tell her you're pregnant by a man who doesn't want to be involved.

Also, 9 weeks in was quite late to tell your mum, if you are living with her and planning to keep the baby, unless you had only just found out yourself. The person putting a roof over your head deserves to know something like this as soon as possible.

I'm pro choice which means I support women's right to choose to have the baby or not have the baby. Nobody can or should tell you what to do in this situation. All I can say is that if I were in your position I would think long and hard about what kind of life I could give this baby, and what it would mean for my own life, compared to if I waited a few years until I was a bit more established in my career, not living with my mum, and in a stable relationship with a man who actually wanted to have kids with me. You don't have to do this, but you do need to make your mind up as soon as possible.

I can understand why your mum has reacted in this way. It's not the best way to react, but it is understandable.

YourNameGoesHere · 18/12/2023 07:08

I think it's understandable you're feeling hurt by her comments but equally I think you're underestimating just how much of an impact this will have on her too, you say you would move out but is that a viable option if you're going to be doing it alone?

Ask yourself honestly, do you reasonably have enough money to rent somewhere and fund yourself and this child? She's probably thinking of all the realities of your situation and is very worried you're heading into it with a lot of nativety.

Redburnett · 18/12/2023 07:08

It is not surprising that she is disappointed given the state of your relationship and the fact that you are not actually independent as you still live at home. She is probably worried that she will be expected to help a lot with childcare, and perhaps reluctant to do so. Your pregnancy is your decision but you need to move out and actually be independent.

ActDottie · 18/12/2023 07:08

I think it’s unfair to bring a baby into your mother’s house. You need to move out for when baby is here.

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 07:11

YourNameGoesHere · 18/12/2023 07:08

I think it's understandable you're feeling hurt by her comments but equally I think you're underestimating just how much of an impact this will have on her too, you say you would move out but is that a viable option if you're going to be doing it alone?

Ask yourself honestly, do you reasonably have enough money to rent somewhere and fund yourself and this child? She's probably thinking of all the realities of your situation and is very worried you're heading into it with a lot of nativety.

Yes @asislife, can you actually afford to rent a place on your own, with a baby, including when on maternity leave and after you go back to work when you have to pay for childcare as well?

Do the sums actually add up?

Assume you will get nothing from the father.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 18/12/2023 07:12

You live at home. As you live at home you’re (I assume) at least a bit financially reliant on your mum as I’m assuming she’s not charging you market rent / you’re paying all the bills etc.
You’re not in a stable relationship
You’re career is about to take a hit
She’s disappointed for you and terrified she’s going to have to start bringing up children again.

you need to sit and have a proper (and realistic) conversation about how this is going to work.

FrenchandSaunders · 18/12/2023 07:15

I have DDs a similar age to you and although I hope I would hide it better than your mum, I would also be quite upset.

I wouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed but I would prefer you to be in a settled relationship with a guy who was interested. And also to have your own home.

whatchagonnado · 18/12/2023 07:17

She will defrost (hopefully). A baby should be a wonderful thing.
You'll find a way of managing and coping, because as women, we have to.
A good friend of mine got pregnant and brought up her son living with her mum and brother. Family units are all shapes and sizes these days.
Do you have any contact with your baby's father? If so, what does he think?

Goinoutalone · 18/12/2023 07:28

Does your mum have reason to be worried @asislife? Was she also a single parent?

Plumful · 18/12/2023 07:33

Time to move out and stand on your own two feet

Ormside · 18/12/2023 07:35

I think I wouldn't let you know but in your mum's position I wouldn't be happy. You say yourself the father isn't interested and you still live at home. Unless you move out before the birth your DC will have a huge impact on your DM's life, your OP sounds naive at best.
You haven't yet been a mum so you have no idea what you're letting yourself in for, your DM does.
You say you'll move out, but finding accommodation will not be easy. Social housing is difficult to gain, often beginning with a hostel or temporary accommodation for months, even years depending on where you live. Private rentals are expensive, and hard to find. I think you DM probably spoke out in shock and will likely soften but in her position I'd be concerned too.

LittleDonkeyOnTheDustyRoad · 18/12/2023 07:38

She’s wrong to be ignoring you and for saying she’s ashamed and embarrassed. I think the best thing you can do now is find your own place as soon as possible as when you’re not relying on her, it’s really none of her business.

Ansjovis · 18/12/2023 07:51

Have you done any planning to show what your standard of living might be like if you move out? I think you ought to be planning to move out before the baby arrives as your mum and anyone else living in the house will be greatly impacted by the baby and that's not fair.

I would expect that if you go to her with a solid plan for how you're going to live independently and support the baby she will start to come round.

hattie43 · 18/12/2023 07:53

It's not the best start for a baby is it . No own home and no dad .

cestlavielife · 18/12/2023 08:00

Move out and show you can manage this.
Are you saving tonnes of money by living with your mother?
Turn to other family for moral support
Think about childcare options so you can return to work after 6 months as you will need the money.
How much maternity pay will you get? Enough to cover rent? Or are you in area of country with cheap rent and plentiful social housing? What savings do you have?
Does the father work and will pay (lots?) child maintenance?

Pelham678 · 18/12/2023 08:02

It's not right that she's ignoring you. But equally if you want to have the baby then you have to be responsible for housing and feeding it. If your mum had offered to do this then that's one thing but she hasn't done and you're assuming she'll home you until the baby is born. That's not fair to put that on someone else. You either are a responsible adult who is prepared to take the consequences of their decisions or you're not.

If you do move out and support yourself and she's still not talking to you then that's another story. I would definitely help my child out but I wouldn't be taking on responsibility for their future children as well.

Gloschick · 18/12/2023 08:02

You are getting some harsh responses on here. Things are not ideal but they are doable. I agree with pp you need to move out. I think things will improve with your mum once she knows that she won't be responsible for you and baby.