Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Told my mum I’m pregnant and she won’t talk to me

187 replies

asislife · 17/12/2023 23:12

I find out I was pregnant and at 9 weeks I decided to tell my mum as physically I was finding it difficult. I had not decided what I was going to do at the time. I had been seeing the dad on and off for almost 5years and he does not want the baby, it was unplanned.

I told my mum I was pregnant hoping for some support knowing initially she would be disappointed. I am now 13 weeks in and I’ve decided to keep my baby but my mum still won’t speak to me and has said the news has ruined her and she’s embarrassed, ashamed and my life will be very hard. She’s implied I get an abortion.

It’s upsetting because I understand I am looking at life as a single parent now which is already disheartening but I am 25 I work full time with career prospects and I finished uni (as my mum wanted) so i do have some sort of direction and I can definitely make it work although I know it will be very hard.

I do still live at home but I am prepared to move if I have to as I don’t want to burden anyone with my decision. I stay at home to save money and would like to stay at least for after the baby is here. While I understand my mums disappointment, it’s made me feel like I can’t look forward to my baby. Should I feel bad, am I wrong? I feel terrible about it. Any advice or perspective would be great

OP posts:

shivawn · 18/12/2023 08:07

I'm sorry she isn't being supportive OP but it's probably come as a shock to her and she's reacted badly. I've seen friends in similar situations in the past and their parents are crazy about their grandchild now.

peachgreen · 18/12/2023 08:12

I became a single mum when DD was 2 after her dad died. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and that was with an amazing support system and the hardest bit of parenting (the baby stage) already done. I would be devastated if DD was becoming a single parent because I know how incredible hard it is. I can understand your mum’s upset – although she’s wrong to be embarrassed or ashamed.

glassyhag · 18/12/2023 08:13

You only need to look on Mumsnet to see just how many single parents are dependent on the good will and charity of others when it comes to child care, housing etc. You can understand why these people resent the woman getting pregnant and then falling back on them as a surrogate support system. Don't get me wrong, I love my grand children but my own daughter chose to have 3 children in 3 years and constantly bleats about how hard it and how expensive and how I need to offer more support ( despite them being her children and I already have them for 12-16 hours a week!). I know full well how hard it is, I am still parenting a teenager and have been a mum for 25 years non stop! I (somewhat selfishly?) really could have done without this so soon, it would have been very different under better circumstances where she was in full time work, in a happy stable relationship etc. instead it feels like damage limitation and not the celebration of life I hoped it would be for her.

Look at this from your mums point of view. You are barely an adult. You have been in full time work for the blink of an eye right after university, did she support you financially? You live in her house so she subsidises you and your life style . If you want this baby you need to do it 100% on your own and move out and become independent. You also need to accept that your life is likely to be very hard for the next few years and a lot of nights you will find you crying yourself to sleep as it's so bloody lonely being on your own and not having anybody to share things with.

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 08:16

Gloschick · 18/12/2023 08:02

You are getting some harsh responses on here. Things are not ideal but they are doable. I agree with pp you need to move out. I think things will improve with your mum once she knows that she won't be responsible for you and baby.

Are they doable though?

It's easy to say that when you're not the one who actually needs to support this baby.

We don't know what the OP's salary is, what her maternity package is like, what part of the country she lives in, how much it costs to rent privately in that area, what sort of childcare is available and how much it costs, what benefits she may be entitled to or how much she has in savings.

It may well be the case that this is not actually doable unless the OP's mother agrees to keep providing housing for the OP and her child for the foreseeable future. If she's the kind of mother who has been letting her daughter live at home to save money, she's probably unlikely to make her daughter involuntarily homeless now she's pregnant in the hope that the council finds her some sort of shitty emergency accommodation.

LaurieStrode · 18/12/2023 08:17

hattie43 · 18/12/2023 07:53

It's not the best start for a baby is it . No own home and no dad .

Well said.

I can't blame the mother for being sad and disappointed.

Snowdogsmitten · 18/12/2023 08:18

You’re young, you live at home, the father doesn’t want to know, you’re not in a relationship, your career has barely begun… I can see why she’s disappointed for you. This is going to be hard. Especially as you now have the huge expense and upheaval of having to move out.

Can you afford to leave?

LaurieStrode · 18/12/2023 08:21

Also think about how having a child will affect your future in terms of relationships. Many men are uninterested in dating someone with children.

thelonemommabear · 18/12/2023 08:24

hattie43 · 18/12/2023 07:53

It's not the best start for a baby is it . No own home and no dad .

Have to agree with this. If I'm honest i can see why she is embarrassed. It doesn't matter that it's 2023 not 1963 - you have got pregnant whilst not in a stable relationship no dad on the scene and you aren't even living independently.

LittleDonkeyOnTheDustyRoad · 18/12/2023 08:25

Also think about how having a child will affect your future in terms of relationships. Many men are uninterested in dating someone with children.

Oh well, if it means she’s disappointing men, then she must have an abortion. 🙄

coldcallerbaiter · 18/12/2023 08:25

I do not agree that she should move out, she needs support. She should make sure the bills are paid.
I would never turf my daughter out, and so what if it’s embarrassing, this is still her grandchild.

DG will adore that baby when it is born and if she doesn’t then why not?

Congratulations on the baby x

MariaVT65 · 18/12/2023 08:30

Your mum’s reaction is very immature and unhelpful regardless of how she feels. She should be sitting down with you to talk through next steps.

I can understand why she is disappointed though tbh, if you’re about to be a parent but will be single and not currently have independence to live in your own place. I am 10 years older than you, have my own house, financially comfortable, in a good marriage and I really struggle with parenthood. Sleep deprivation and juggling childcare with work to name a few.

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 18/12/2023 08:35

I can understand her disappointment, living with your mum still, having little independence and having a baby by someone who doesn’t want to know isn’t the start I’d call ideal. I feel sad for the baby, that rejection can, and does, have an effect on children. That being said, she’s said her piece and there’s little point keep going on really. Give her time, she’ll likely come around. In the meantime, find yourself somewhere to live.

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 08:36

So your mum has to put up with you living there now she will have to put up with a baby as well

Did you think of her when you decided to do all this?

Yes it all well and good saying 'it doesn't matter a grandchild is wonderful' that does not change the day to day reality

Motnight · 18/12/2023 08:41

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 18/12/2023 07:12

You live at home. As you live at home you’re (I assume) at least a bit financially reliant on your mum as I’m assuming she’s not charging you market rent / you’re paying all the bills etc.
You’re not in a stable relationship
You’re career is about to take a hit
She’s disappointed for you and terrified she’s going to have to start bringing up children again.

you need to sit and have a proper (and realistic) conversation about how this is going to work.

This. I wouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed if you were my DD. But I would definitely be concerned about your ability to cope with a baby independently.

Bdaybdilemma · 18/12/2023 08:41

Just to say I got pregnant at 25 (now 4 years ago) and my mum had a similar reaction to yours initially. Everything turned out fine and she is now a very loving gran to my 2 DC. Sounds like you've got the foundations to sort out a good life for yourself. Hopefully you have a friend or two you could depend on as well as her?

FaiIureToLunch · 18/12/2023 08:41

She will know that you have no real idea of how utterly hard it is even with financial security, maturity and a partner. She’s fully expecting to have to pick up the pieces. It’s is bloody hard OP but I guess that’s all you’re hearing right now.

Best thing you can do is move out. And I can promise you that she will come around.

Congratulations

HoppingPavlova · 18/12/2023 08:43

Okay. I have adult kids who live at home while saving house deposits large enough to enable manageable repayments. That’s fine and I’m happy for that but I’d be livid if one of them thought it was okay to add a baby to the situation.

I’ve done my time with babies in the house, crying during the night, baby paraphernalia all over the place, having to baby proof. I’d happily be a grandparent but I don’t believe on the basis I have to relive the baby years in my own house is fair.

The reason I’m letting mine stay here is so they can achieve their own place. I expect them to have that sorted before turning their minds to babies. Because, see above.

Thats the perspective of someone with adult kids who loves them but expects them to be fair to me and DH.

notmorezoom · 18/12/2023 08:45

I'd be disappointed if my single, 25 year old daughter, who can't afford a place of her own to live, thought that a baby was the best thing to do at the moment. This will hugely slow down your progress in life. But I would try not to show it.

Sintel · 18/12/2023 08:51

I can see why your mum is worried. From the point of view of the baby they will never have the chance of full siblings. They will likely eventually have to content with a stepfather and half siblings. They will have a very stressed young mum and a father who doesn't care about them.

It sounds like you and your mum are having a baby if you have no other support system. Who will take time off when the baby invariably brings back every bug going from being in full time child care? Or will you live off benefits? How will you cope if the baby has a learning disability? Is ASD? What if the baby has colic and is up most nights screaming? Your only real support will be your mum and I can see why she's not keen. You don't even live independently yet.

dottiedodah · 18/12/2023 08:55

I think shes probably had a shock TBH. Maybe she feels too young to be a GM ,and also you are still living at home with her . She may come round of course .Maybe you could stay until the baby comes ,she will probably feel love towards her GC ,If she really wont let you stay then maybe look for accomodation now .

Mariposista · 18/12/2023 08:59

See this from you Mum's perspective. You are living under her roof, are not in a stable relationship, and this baby is going to disrupt her life and home, and place great limitations on you, your budding career and potential to find somebody nice to settle down with. If you were in a loving, committed relationship, in your own rented or owned home, I am sure she would be very happy.
Please be mature - playing happy families and BEING happy families are two different things.

winowin · 18/12/2023 09:01

I have been the grandmother in this situation.
My daughter and the father were together. She was insistent that he would sort things out before the baby came.
My daughter moved out eventually when my grandson was 2.
It absolutely broke me. I had my 2 other children living with me as well.
There was no space for anyone. I work full time getting up at 5 in the morning baby keeping me up at night and coming home to complete chaos.
If you want to have this baby you need to move out before it is born.

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 18/12/2023 09:11

Chances are your mother is probably only in her 50s, likely still working and paying a mortgage, and will now be responsible for housing someone else years after her daughter should have flown the nest. You don’t mention your dad- has your mum done this on her own?

I can see why she’s disappointed, TBH. It’s fine to say you want a baby and at 25 you’re old enough to do so, but at 25 you’re also old enough to support yourself. You’re currently not doing that, so you’ll need a solid plan in place to support you AND a baby.

MachuPikachu · 18/12/2023 09:19

Your mum isn’t disappointed because she won’t love your baby. She most definitely will and I’m sure she will support you in any way she can. She is disappointed because she knows how hard life will be for you and she doesn’t want to see you suffer or struggle in any way, which is completely natural.

Your baby is your priority and that’s why you are upset, but remember you are your mums baby and you are her priority, she is just worried for what life will now have in store for you.

I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy and everything will work itself out in the end but there’s no denying that it will be very difficult and you do need to be realistic about that as you move forward.

Pluvia · 18/12/2023 09:39

Your mum is disappointed that you're planning to have a baby on your own with all the stresses and lack of money that entails, and that the father of her grandchild is a man who doesn't want the baby. I bet she's also been hoping that at 25 you'd soon be ready to leave home and establish a good career and possibly a more interesting, independent life than she has had. I imagine she might also have been looking ahead to a life where she has a bit more freedom. And now here you are, pregnant, living at home with her and, for all she knows, expecting her to do a lot of childcare and help shoulder the cost and responsibility of the baby while you get going in your career.

You don't seem to have thought about it from her angle, OP. I'm pro-choice too, and that incudes a grandmother's choice to say no to the expectation of free childcare and financial support and accommodation.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8