Told my mum I’m pregnant and she won’t talk to me

[asislife]

I find out I was pregnant and at 9 weeks I decided to tell my mum as physically I was finding it difficult. I had not decided what I was going to do at the time. I had been seeing the dad on and off for almost 5years and he does not want the baby, it was unplanned.

I told my mum I was pregnant hoping for some support knowing initially she would be disappointed. I am now 13 weeks in and I’ve decided to keep my baby but my mum still won’t speak to me and has said the news has ruined her and she’s embarrassed, ashamed and my life will be very hard. She’s implied I get an abortion.

It’s upsetting because I understand I am looking at life as a single parent now which is already disheartening but I am 25 I work full time with career prospects and I finished uni (as my mum wanted) so i do have some sort of direction and I can definitely make it work although I know it will be very hard.

I do still live at home but I am prepared to move if I have to as I don’t want to burden anyone with my decision. I stay at home to save money and would like to stay at least for after the baby is here. While I understand my mums disappointment, it’s made me feel like I can’t look forward to my baby. Should I feel bad, am I wrong? I feel terrible about it. Any advice or perspective would be great

@CaptainMyCaptain that sounded stressful but well done on doing you. Glad to hear she came around in the end. I hope the same, thanks for sharing

There’s always hope! And if she doesn’t Come around (sounds unlikely), you can still raise a child very successfully alone. Too many people think you need to be in the perfect situation to have a baby.. and yet so many of these same people are in abusive/cheating/financially difficult etc etc relationships. Being alone is far better than that! And remember even if u were married to someone you thought was wonderful, nearly 60% of marriages end in divorce, therefore people are more likely to split up than not, which impacts kids too

you sound smart, focused and determined, all the best qualities

I've read all the posts and you still sound so naive. If you genuinely think you'll have moved out and found somewhere suitable to live before the baby is born you are being incredibly unrealistic. Do you actually understand how messed up the rental market is right now?

Wow. Your least sentence.. nothing like women supporting other women! JFC 🤦‍♀️

The OP talked herself about moving out and 5 of the first 6 responses suggested she should.

The OPs posts are all about hope - hoping she's going to get the support from her mum so it will work out. Nothing practical. No details about how much rent a 1bed costs. How much the bills and childcare cost and how that still leaves her money for food and baby stuff. I think she needs a reality check.

You’re talking as if the OP is thick. She’s clearly not. Just cos she hasn’t listed out in here your demands of her to know how much a one bed flat etc costs, doesn’t mean she hasn’t been considering it all!

I do 100% and I didn’t say that but thanks

I don't think she's 'thick' as you delightfully put it. But she has made 14 posts and not one is about the practicalities of being financially, physically and emotionally responsible for a tiny baby.

There are responses to all those who have been single parents and made it work as those posts 'give her hope'.

But when others ask things like 'Ask yourself honestly, do you reasonably have enough money to rent somewhere and fund yourself and this child? She's probably thinking of all the realities of your situation and is very worried you're heading into it with a lot of nativety.' they get zero response.

Hope won't buy the formula, pay the rent or the bus fare to work. She needs a plan and to understand if the plan is financially viable.

@Choux I don’t need to discuss the practicality’s here or give you my personal finances broken down in a spreadsheet… that’s a conversation for my mum and I, one which obviously I have considered and have said the issue is ignoring and navigating that when it’s not available currently. I haven’t once slammed my mum and never would and I can hope she will have a change of heart so we can begin to move forward in a way satisfactory for everyone.

I do appreciate everyone has different views and I hope for you that your situation is and remains iron clad x I just don’t understand where the assumption came from that I would not and have not considered the practicalities.. seems like a reach but no problem regardless, it’s good to hear differing perspectives :)

To everyone saying they would be supportive and help their daughter you just don't know the reality of it until you've lived it.
Especially after raising your kids to adulthood and feeling this is my time to do as I want and get my life back to find yourself at square one but older with less energy, more work commitments.

@Choux
Are you sure she's ignoring you or the situation?

Do you make the same points to married pregnant mothers? Whether they have considered that there is a 60% chance of divorce and therefore question them on whether they could afford to bring the baby up alone, whether they can afford childcare costs alone and a one bed flat? Do you tell them that statistically they are gonna be doing the lions of emotional and domestic labour when married and raising the baby, all whilst probably having to hold down a job too? What would they do if their husband passed away? Have they considered all that? Have they realllllly thought through all the possibilities of what could happen raising a child? How it won’t be her parents responsibility to help out if the husband leaves and therefore they should think totally practically about whether to keep the baby. The amount of posts on here from women whose previously wonderful husband s have left them when pregnant, cheated on them, ran off with another woman, abandoned their kids etc

nobody absolutely nobody can predict what the future holds. It doesn’t make them naive. The pregnancy is here, it’s real and the OP will make it through, just like the millions of other married/unmarried mothers have/will.

I haven’t once slammed my mum and never would and I can hope she will have a change of heart so we can begin to move forward in a way satisfactory for everyone.

But what if the way that is satisfactory for your mum is that you just don't involve her in your journey to become a single parent? Maybe there is no way forward that is satisfactory for everyone because you want her support and she doesn't want to go back to the baby years with a new grandchild.

@Choux sorry tagged you by mistake instead of the op.
Apologies

OP, from your replies you seem lovely and I'm sure you'll make a fab mum. Of course you do not need to discuss the practicalities here, but please take a moment to sit down with a spreadsheet and plug in all the numbers.

Look at rents for flats in your area
Childcare costs (apparently £10k a year on average these days).
Travel costs
Costs of strollers/prams/cribs etc. We've just paid a fortune despite all my bargain hunting.
Cost of nappies and formula
Lost earnings due to maternity leave which will be significant. Will you at least get a few months full pay? Or is it just SMP mostly?
Consider what benefits you'll be entitled to.

I have two sisters who are much younger than me but around your age. They both have good graduate jobs and I'm guessing they earn better than many Gen Z's these days. Yet it's still a big struggle for them. They've both needed bailing out in the last year. Rents are crazy, food costs are spiralling and times are really tough, especially for the younger generation.

Of course there is so much to celebrate when it comes to a new baby. But I think it's really important to be realistic about what your financial situation will be.

One practical thing you need to do asap is book and pay the deposit for a nursery place.

Good nurseries often have fully booked baby rooms long in advance, you really need to get this sorted asap, and definitely don’t wait until after the baby has arrived. Just put down the due date as baby’s date of birth and change it to the correct date nearer the time.

It will also help your budget plans to clearly understand what you will be spending on nursery. It is usually as much as you will spend on rent, or at least it is in my area.

That in turn will help you have a clearer idea of what your rental budget will be.

Best of luck!

Do you pay your full share of all bills? Council tax, insurance, heating, Car, half of holidays, half the food bills, tv licence, etc, bought your own furniture? do you clean half the house, do you do your own laundry? Have you lived completely alone before with a baby and woken up 5 times a night alone to deal with it?

Paying rent is not much in the scheme of things.

Are you actually ready for 100% real life away from Mum.

Everything costs more if you live alone. It's not half of everything. It's 100% of everything. Your baby won't have a stable dad to help. That's really not a good start. Is your dad in the picture to help out too? You are putting a huge burden on your Mum. You have no idea.

What is your actual plan? Social housing isn't always the nicest option. Do t always have nice neighbours.

What is your job? Is it conducive to child care? Is it nursing?

If you want to improve things with your mum. You need to discuss all the practicalities with her. If you mention them here it will help you navigate it with her.

It seems you hope it will work out. But don't have a plan. Until you have clear plan I doubt she will thaw.
Is she quiet because she knows the numbers don't stack up and it's another burden on her as a single mum?

Does your financial situation fully support a child? Would you be happy living fully alone with a child?

Not sure why she's embarrassed and ashamed. Babies are a blessing. Unless she's very religious. You said you found 9 weeks of pregnancy physically hard and needed support from her. Well ... it's going to be much much harder than that going forward. Especially alone.

Your mum will come round emotionally but may not contribute fully financially. Or at all.
Are you ok with just her emotionally supporting you? Does that work for you?

If my daughter threw away her future (after I had worked my ass off to raise her) by carelessly creating an unplanned out-of-wedlock pregnancy with a disinterested man, I would be embarrassed, ashamed and angry, too.

its funny but honestly if my mum thought like that I would be ashamed of her. Your future isn’t thrown away by having a child.

Agreed.

It’s not really a conversation for your mum.

It’s for you to sort out. It only includes her if you expect to have significant impact on her. And you claim it won’t.

Also, I would be surprised if she thinks this pregnancy wasn’t accidental at all. Which might be impacting her reaction.