Page 3 | Told my mum I’m pregnant and she won’t talk to me

Octowussy · 18/12/2023 09:40

As others have said, you really need to look for your own place. You said in your post that you'd like to stay home after the baby is born but, how long will that be? One month could turn into one year. It wouldn't be fair to your mother either unless she agrees. Are you expecting your mom to help with childcare? It's all well and good saying you don't feel like you can look forward to your baby but, you need to think of it from your mothers POV.

AlisonMoyetz2 · 18/12/2023 09:42

I think your mum could be more supportive, but I echo what others have said in that you need to move out. It isn't fair to bring the baby into her home full-time if that's how she feels.
She's probably scared she's going to be lumbered with childcare also and that you won't be as independent as you claim to be.

I think moving out and getting your own place might help your relationship with your mother and make you look forward to your pregnancy rather than dreading it.

MistletoeandJd · 18/12/2023 09:48

Congratulations 🥰🥰

Your mum sounds like a c...

You can do this !! You need to move out first and foremost! Like soon as possible and build a cozy home for you and bubba.

Many many lovely ladies on this site can help with any questions.

CatMadam · 18/12/2023 09:49

You’re getting some classic mumsnet shitey responses here- ignore the nastiness, it’s completely uncalled for and pathetic. Your mum is the one in the wrong here, there’s no argument about that. Supporting your child is the main point of being a parent. You’re in a vulnerable state, the first trimester is generally awful, and she’s treating you terribly. I’m sorry she’s let you down so badly.

guineverehadgreeneyes · 18/12/2023 09:51

whatchagonnado · 18/12/2023 07:17

She will defrost (hopefully). A baby should be a wonderful thing.
You'll find a way of managing and coping, because as women, we have to.
A good friend of mine got pregnant and brought up her son living with her mum and brother. Family units are all shapes and sizes these days.
Do you have any contact with your baby's father? If so, what does he think?

It's in the OP's first paragraph:

"I had been seeing the dad on and off for almost 5years and he does not want the baby, it was unplanned."

And perhaps the OP's mother would prefer not to have a baby in the house.

ChatBFP · 18/12/2023 09:53

You've only mentioned your dad. Was your mum also a lone parent? If this is the case, then maybe she wanted something different for you. I am sure she will be more supportive in time, but honestly, I think you need to be a bit less naive about this and work out how to stand on your own two feet.

Your relationship with the dad also sounds like the kind of relationship that I would have got suckered into as a young woman without sufficient boundaries - "getting back
Together" for sex without any future. (I'm 35, not from the dark ages).

LaurieStrode · 18/12/2023 09:54

Pluvia · 18/12/2023 09:39

Your mum is disappointed that you're planning to have a baby on your own with all the stresses and lack of money that entails, and that the father of her grandchild is a man who doesn't want the baby. I bet she's also been hoping that at 25 you'd soon be ready to leave home and establish a good career and possibly a more interesting, independent life than she has had. I imagine she might also have been looking ahead to a life where she has a bit more freedom. And now here you are, pregnant, living at home with her and, for all she knows, expecting her to do a lot of childcare and help shoulder the cost and responsibility of the baby while you get going in your career.

You don't seem to have thought about it from her angle, OP. I'm pro-choice too, and that incudes a grandmother's choice to say no to the expectation of free childcare and financial support and accommodation.

Exactly. Well said, @Pluvia

As the mum, I'd be seeing all my hopes for my daughter going down the drain. And disappointed she picked such a loser to have unprotected sex with.

Winnipeggy · 18/12/2023 09:56

HoppingPavlova · 18/12/2023 08:43

I do still live at home but I am prepared to move if I have to as I don’t want to burden anyone with my decision. I stay at home to save money and would like to stay at least for after the baby is here. While I understand my mums disappointment, it’s made me feel like I can’t look forward to my baby. Should I feel bad, am I wrong? I feel terrible about it. Any advice or perspective would be great

Okay. I have adult kids who live at home while saving house deposits large enough to enable manageable repayments. That’s fine and I’m happy for that but I’d be livid if one of them thought it was okay to add a baby to the situation.

I’ve done my time with babies in the house, crying during the night, baby paraphernalia all over the place, having to baby proof. I’d happily be a grandparent but I don’t believe on the basis I have to relive the baby years in my own house is fair.

The reason I’m letting mine stay here is so they can achieve their own place. I expect them to have that sorted before turning their minds to babies. Because, see above.

Thats the perspective of someone with adult kids who loves them but expects them to be fair to me and DH.

Would you stop talking to your child and make them feel like crap? Because that doesn't seem terribly productive

winowin · 18/12/2023 10:01

@CatMadam
How is the mum in the wrong?

After working and raising your own kids for years only to get to your 50's to have to do it again.

It is OPs choice to have a baby and it's her responsibility to look after and house the baby, not her mothers.

Pluvia · 18/12/2023 10:02

coldcallerbaiter · 18/12/2023 08:25

I do not agree that she should move out, she needs support. She should make sure the bills are paid.
I would never turf my daughter out, and so what if it’s embarrassing, this is still her grandchild.

DG will adore that baby when it is born and if she doesn’t then why not?

Congratulations on the baby x

A significant number of women regret having had children once they've had them. There was a programme on Radio 4 just the other week: can't find it now but will look for it later.

And I'd say that at least half of the grandparents I know are very careful not to take on regular childcare and babysitting etc, because after 40+ years of working and raising children, they want time out and flexibility to do what they want. They don't want to be used as free labour in what may be the only few years of good health they have left to enjoy life.

Can we have a go at busting the myth that mothers exist to support their children for ever, and that everyone loves babies and that everyone wants grandchildren? Why do people always talk about women in this way and never about men? Why isn't the OP living with her father and looking to him for support? A century of feminism and people are still working on the basis that anything to do with children and babies is women's work and that women all love it and do it willingly. It's not true and blithely saying that of course the OP's mum will adore the baby is nonsense. She may hate it for keeping her up late at night or for the OP dumping it on her at weekends or for being expected to feed and house both the OP and a child. This is not something she's consented to.

guineverehadgreeneyes · 18/12/2023 10:11

"You can do this !! You need to move out first and foremost! Like soon as possible and build a cozy home for you and bubba."

How much rent can the OP afford?

2chocolateoranges · 18/12/2023 10:14

As a parent of young adults I would be pretty disappointed if my child was in an on off relationship and ended up pregnant. That’s not what I want for my child or my grandchild.

so I can see why your mum has gone quiet and not talking .

im sure she will come round.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 18/12/2023 10:25

Move out.

I wouldn't tolerate the silent treatment from any one even my mum. It's emotionally abusive.

Congratulations, and please be as excited as you want and do not let any one dampen your excitement. If I could go back and do my own pregnancy again that is the advice I would give to myself so please absolutely revel in it at every possible opportunity.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 18/12/2023 10:26

Your mum is being horrible OP, as are many women on here. Nobody should be ashamed or embarrassed because you don't want an abortion ffs. That is really not the pro-choice stance at all!

If I were you I'd start looking at your finances. Figure out how much nursery costs in your area and what benefits you're entitled to. Then start looking at places to rent.

Good luck!

McAnonymous · 18/12/2023 10:27

My friend got pregnant in her early 20s, when she was a student. The father was her on-off boyfriend who was, in my opinion, a nasty little shit.

She told her parents pretty much as soon as she found out.

Her mum said, "You have to understand that if you have this baby, you can't live here. We can't afford to house you and your child and we can't afford to do unpaid childcare because we are still working. You would have to apply for a council house which hopefully you would get because we live in a shit area, and then you would be on benefits until you were able to work. It would be very difficult for you to reach your full potential career wise. If you choose to have this baby, that is the reality of what your life will be like."

She had a termination.

I'm quite sure that her parents would have been loving and involved grandparents if she had decided to have the baby, but her mum was right. Her life would have gone down a completely different, much less successful path.

She could have been the mother of a 15 year old, scrambling to make ends meet and having to ask her ex boyfriend's permission to go on holiday. Instead she has a fantastic career and a baby with her equally high flying husband.

A lot of women who choose to have babies in less than ideal circumstances say they don't regret their decision because they are thinking about it in terms of their actual child who they know and love, and they think, "If I had had a termination I would never have had little Charlie." But if they had had a termination they would never have met that child and so even if they had regrets about the termination, they wouldn't be mourning the absence of a specific and very much loved child.

And of course my friend, who doesn't regret her termination at all, now realises that if she had had that child 15 years ago with her ex boyfriend, the child she now has would never have existed.

I think it's easy to idealise having a baby in these circumstances, but the reality of actually doing it is likely to be very tough. I can see why my friend's mum took the approach that she did. She wanted to make sure her daughter was making the decision with a realistic grasp of the situation that she was in, not looking at it through rose tinted glasses.

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 10:29

JemimaTiggywinkles · 18/12/2023 10:26

Your mum is being horrible OP, as are many women on here. Nobody should be ashamed or embarrassed because you don't want an abortion ffs. That is really not the pro-choice stance at all!

If I were you I'd start looking at your finances. Figure out how much nursery costs in your area and what benefits you're entitled to. Then start looking at places to rent.

Good luck!

Her mum is currently financially supporting her.

I daresay you would think the OP's mum was "horrible" if she told her to move out, which so far she hasn't.

Surely her mum is entitled to an opinion on the OP's pregnancy, given how much is actually affects her?

Mintyt · 18/12/2023 10:32

Babies bring love, and it will be ok, your mum probably sees you as younger because you live at home and you are her child. But it's still early days. Keep talking to her.

Desecratedcoconut · 18/12/2023 10:32

It might take me a beat to stomach that my grandchild was being born into an unstable relationship with an unwilling partner with an adult child who still lives at home.

HeraSyndulla · 18/12/2023 10:36

glassyhag · 18/12/2023 08:13

You only need to look on Mumsnet to see just how many single parents are dependent on the good will and charity of others when it comes to child care, housing etc. You can understand why these people resent the woman getting pregnant and then falling back on them as a surrogate support system. Don't get me wrong, I love my grand children but my own daughter chose to have 3 children in 3 years and constantly bleats about how hard it and how expensive and how I need to offer more support ( despite them being her children and I already have them for 12-16 hours a week!). I know full well how hard it is, I am still parenting a teenager and have been a mum for 25 years non stop! I (somewhat selfishly?) really could have done without this so soon, it would have been very different under better circumstances where she was in full time work, in a happy stable relationship etc. instead it feels like damage limitation and not the celebration of life I hoped it would be for her.

Look at this from your mums point of view. You are barely an adult. You have been in full time work for the blink of an eye right after university, did she support you financially? You live in her house so she subsidises you and your life style . If you want this baby you need to do it 100% on your own and move out and become independent. You also need to accept that your life is likely to be very hard for the next few years and a lot of nights you will find you crying yourself to sleep as it's so bloody lonely being on your own and not having anybody to share things with.

Sobering voice of reality.

Pluvia · 18/12/2023 10:41

JemimaTiggywinkles · 18/12/2023 10:26

Your mum is being horrible OP, as are many women on here. Nobody should be ashamed or embarrassed because you don't want an abortion ffs. That is really not the pro-choice stance at all!

If I were you I'd start looking at your finances. Figure out how much nursery costs in your area and what benefits you're entitled to. Then start looking at places to rent.

Good luck!

No one thinks for a moment that the OP should be embarrassed or ashamed for getting pregnant and not wanting an abortion. Point me to one person who has said that.

Many of us are pointing out that in the days of easy-access contraception and the morning-after pill getting pregnant with an on-off boyfriend who doesn't want a child is a pretty stupid thing to have done. OP wants her mum to house her and her child until after it's born. The mother has not consented to any of this. OP's mum has the right to an independent life for herself and to make her own decisions based on her own needs and desires — and the right not to criticised for that.

I can't believe how many posters here seem to see their mothers as total support beings and not rounded adult humans entitled to have opinions about their own lives, labour and finances.

Original poster

asislife · 18/12/2023 10:52

As I said, I completely understand her disappointment I have not at all taken that from her at all and respect all opinions. I found out about the pregnancy later than I would’ve liked and made a decision to keep it based on other factors.

I do not at all want my mum to take any financial or physical responsibility I just was disappointed this is not something I am about to discuss with my mother is all and how I could navigate that.

Although I live with my mum, I do help out financially and I am responsible for myself and have no intention of holding anyone accountable but myself. I think the assumption which is fair is that I rely on my mum for everything which unfortunately that is not the luxury of my situation nor do I want it to be.

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 10:57

asislife · 18/12/2023 10:52

As I said, I completely understand her disappointment I have not at all taken that from her at all and respect all opinions. I found out about the pregnancy later than I would’ve liked and made a decision to keep it based on other factors.

I do not at all want my mum to take any financial or physical responsibility I just was disappointed this is not something I am about to discuss with my mother is all and how I could navigate that.

Although I live with my mum, I do help out financially and I am responsible for myself and have no intention of holding anyone accountable but myself. I think the assumption which is fair is that I rely on my mum for everything which unfortunately that is not the luxury of my situation nor do I want it to be.

So you now have plenty of time to find a place and support the 2 of you independently then

Original poster

asislife · 18/12/2023 10:57

Thanks so much for the support, I don’t think she does watch that one. It is difficult and I’m sorry that happened to you too x I do have other supportive family but the unknown is daunting even with a plan but thank you for the perspective

OP posts:

Plumful · 18/12/2023 10:57

What’s your plan now? Can you afford rent and childcare?

inquisitiveinga · 18/12/2023 10:57

Hey sweetie,

Congratulations! You have every reason so be excited, you're growing a whole human. Growing humans is also really tough and I'm sorry your mum hasn't supported you in the way you wanted her to whilst you've been struggling.

I agree with other PPs in that you should move out, it'll help your confidence and also your bond with baby (alongside many other things). I had DS1 the day after my 21st birthday whilst half way through a degree. Myself and DS1s Dad saved whilst living with his parents for a shoet while whilst pregnant and then found somewhere reasonable to rent.

I have since finished my degree and did so as a single parent whilst also working in a career I absolutely loved. It was hard but the struggle was SO worth it. I'm now 26, DS1 is 5, I own my own home and have a career (so you can do it, especially with 4 extra year on me!). We have a wonderful relationship and I wouldn't change it for the world. I now also have a new partner and we are expecting DD1 together.

In terms of how my parents viewed all of this, they were certainly shocked but more supportive in terms of accepting that it was my decision and never once suggested an abortion. For that I think your mum is completely wrong and needs a yoga retreat (at the very least) to find herself and stop being an arse hole.

Go and be that bad ass mum you know you are and make her eat her words... be the success story you know you can be.