Told my mum I’m pregnant and she won’t talk to me

[asislife]

I find out I was pregnant and at 9 weeks I decided to tell my mum as physically I was finding it difficult. I had not decided what I was going to do at the time. I had been seeing the dad on and off for almost 5years and he does not want the baby, it was unplanned.

I told my mum I was pregnant hoping for some support knowing initially she would be disappointed. I am now 13 weeks in and I’ve decided to keep my baby but my mum still won’t speak to me and has said the news has ruined her and she’s embarrassed, ashamed and my life will be very hard. She’s implied I get an abortion.

It’s upsetting because I understand I am looking at life as a single parent now which is already disheartening but I am 25 I work full time with career prospects and I finished uni (as my mum wanted) so i do have some sort of direction and I can definitely make it work although I know it will be very hard.

I do still live at home but I am prepared to move if I have to as I don’t want to burden anyone with my decision. I stay at home to save money and would like to stay at least for after the baby is here. While I understand my mums disappointment, it’s made me feel like I can’t look forward to my baby. Should I feel bad, am I wrong? I feel terrible about it. Any advice or perspective would be great

Op isn’t asking her mum to raise her child.

No, not directly but that's probably what will happen. How exactly is the OP planning on living independently? I live in the South West and the housing situation is way beyond dire. Even young professional couples with great salaries and references up to their arm pits can't find anywhere to rent. Landlords have their pick of the creme de la creme and demand six months' rent up front which is usually in the region of £9,000. Is any landlord really going to choose a single pregnant woman, or one with a baby? You can forget social housing as well. I think her mum has every right to be pissed off. Her life won't be her own anymore, not everyone dreams of looking after babies for the rest of their lives.

OP first of all congratulations, and I'm sorry your mum isn't being as supportive as you'd hoped.

I got pregnant at 18, but I didn't live at home. My mum was devastated for me, but she eventually came round and was an amazing grandmother.

However like I said, I didn't live at home. I was financially independent and did not expect any help from my mum, who at the time lived hundreds of miles away.

Now I'm the mother of an 18 year old myself, who lives at home and my biggest worry is that she becomes pregnant. It's a hard life as a single parent. I would probably support her in getting a home of her own but would not want her living with me. Although I say that I would probably let her stay at least 12 months.

Anyway what I'm trying to say, is you've made this huge decision to keep the baby but appears you have made no attempt to "adult".

Have you discussed with your mum where you're going to live are you assuming you're just going to stay there?

This is a life altering decision you have made and would probably be worth sitting down with your mum and discussing where you are going to live, your childcare arrangements etc.

Once she sees you have thought things through properly she be be more reassured that the burden isn't going to fall on her.

The next months will be rocky but if you previously had a good relationship with your mum, I'm sure it will work out fine.

She's just sad for you. It's going to be a difficult journey as a singe parent.

This. OP's mum probably saw the rest of her life flash before her eyes. I don't blame her for being angry.

There's really no excuse for not doubling/tripling up on contraception when one can't house and support oneself let alone a baby, and the sperm donor is disinterested. It's not just her own life that OP has thrown into chaos.

This is Mumsnet so generally everyone here loves babies but in the real world not everyone is desperate to be a grandma and particularly not when their young daughter is going to be a single mum.

OP - your post says you only told your mum as you were finding it physically demanding so you didn't tell her because as your mum and housemate you thought she ought to know. When were you going to tell her if you hadn't felt unwell?

You told her as you were 'hoping for some support.'. As a single parent your life needs to be about making plans to get through everything with no support. No one is obliged to help you. Not even your mum. Any support is a bonus - not to be expected.

You will move out 'if you have to' but would like to stay and save for as long as possible. That tells me you aren't yet financially independent enough to become a single mother through choice.

Your relationship with the father was never strong. It was on off. He isn't some cad who has left you high and dry now you are pregnant. You probably knew he would be long gone before you even took the pregnancy test.

I honestly think you need to reconsider having this baby as i don't think you understand what it will entail to be mum and dad and have complete responsibility for this baby and its' future. Do you think you are going to be able to give it the start in life it deserves with no father and potentially no grandparents and not much financial solidity?

You have another decade to get yourself in a better position to have a baby. Is now really the right time?

I'm saying this from the perspective of, I got pregnant at 21 (still born) and 23 (hopefully earthside baby). Move out, find yourself a small apartment that can fit you and your baby. Although it will be hard, live you life. You will find yourself missing your parents and your pre-children days but keep on going.

When I found out I was pregnant with Aurora (at 21) my parents were angry. I packed my things and left to my boyfriends apartment. (I know you don't have that option but I'm just using my story for example). Now, two years later we are expecting another little girl due a month before my 24th birthday and happily married. It has been tough but it has been the best choice I've ever made! But this is my story, your will be different.

Your becoming a single mother, its going to just be you. Please remember one thing, you are responsible for an entire human. This human is going to spend the rest of its life asking of you. Look at your options, life and situation before making any decisions.

I was a single mother and I'm glad I had my child. It does sound like you will have to move out though. Good luck

When I refer to support I never meant physical support. I had found out not long before and was seeking some peer advice from my mum as physically it was becoming demanding and I needed to make a timely decision which I recognised did not affect just me. That’s all and as well as letting her know.. clearly a lot goes through one’s mind in the situation. However, i as I stated, I have not been given the opportunity to understand one’s POV if there is no dialogue allowed.

As everyone’s assumed I’m not capable but it’s not the case and yes the situation with the dad was not perfect but this was not planned or expected and I am not naive to the facts.

I could support myself I just have not made the move not because I rely on my mum to live but for many benefits which span for the both of us which aren’t worth going into. I understand the consensus is I shouldn’t have the baby, it was never about that. But anyway thank you for taking the time to give your opinion anyway

I don't think the consensus is not to keep the baby. Think only a couple of posters are suggesting you rethink.

Most of us have talked about our experiences of being a single parent and trying to shed some light on how your mum may feel.

Maybe try rereading the thread and some of the suggestions on how to approach your mum.

You say there are other reasons for you to stay living together, which we know nothing off.

How about you write a list of different scenarios and costs of you living there, moving out or staying for 12 months then moving out. Then approach your mum and ask if you can discuss them. Ask what your mum wants!

You need this sorted out, for your own wellbeing and your baby's.

Good luck OP.

Why did that last response from the OP sound like chatGPT wrote it?

OP, you are getting some tough replies here, and I'm sorry about that.

I'm a single mum, I have always managed to work full time, and I own my own home. My ds is a happy, well-balanced child and we are very close. I don't have time for a relationship as well, but that doesn't worry me. I can wait.

It isn't easy, it's endless hard work but if you understand that, then there is no reason why you can't succeed. And there will be so many things to be proud of. Your mum will come round.

Have a happy Christmas and try not to worry x

I expect your mum is worried that's she's going to have to pick up the slack and fit a baby into her life, have it living in her house and possibly have to support you and the child financially as well. None of these things may be true but that doesn't mean she isn't worried for herself and for you. Give her time and move out. You will need her more than you think so keep her on side.

There is a possibility that your mum loved things just the way they were and is scared or resentful of things changing. She knows this means you are moving on with your life, perhaps she wasn't ready.

Either way, make sure you plan swing into actions. It will be harder than you think to find somewhere suitable to live. You'll need to agree financial support from the father and start reading up about CMS.

Read up about what benefits you might be entitled to so you can get the paperwork ready. Places at nursery at work - they will only have som many and you might need to register with them etc.

Calculate your maternity leave likely payments, what entitlement to get from work?

Be practical. Prepare. Take control. You will be just fine, and you're mum will come round in the end x

I think you're being naïve.

You say you have a 'career with prospects'. How are those prospects going to be affected by you having time off for maternity leave, then being limited by childcare timings, off frequently to manage your child's illnesses (which will be frequent) and later on, off to manage school holidays.

You are forcing your mother to make a horrible choice - she either leaves you to it, and watches you struggle or she has to change her life to support the decision that you have made for yourself, this child and her.

She will be negatively affected either way.

But you get what you want, although you might find it less fun that you think.

Congratulations! It won't be easy but honestly it's so rewarding.

Ur 25 not 16 I don't understand how she can be embarrassed. There's still quite a while until baby is here maybe she will have come round by then. Start making alternative plans though for you and the baby with regards to housing situation.

Op, I understand her general feelings. I don’t understand her not speaking to you, but I am not in her position.

From the point of view of someone who inspect became a single parent and has the career and now has a daughter a little younger than you, you are being naive.

Career prospects is not a career. Pregnancy, maternity leave and the responsibility of a small child heavily impacts women’s careers. Even when there’s another partner. Being out of the work place early in a career will set you back even more.

It’s great your employer has childcare, but it’s not free is it? And what happens when your child is sick? Coughs, colds, sickness bugs and so happen often. Meaning you miss work. Which impacts you. Having a child early on in your career can you put you quite far back. When you are established and have experience and a reputation, it’s much easier.

You say you can move out, but don’t want to. You are massively underestimating the impact having a child in a household makes. It will impact your mother’s life. Not just yours. If you are old enough to decide you want this child you are old enough to live independently. Your recovery from birth, the child, the support you will need especially on the first few weeks, will all impact anyone else in the household.

If you live independently you will still need support in those early days. Obviously, some people do have to it alone. But it’s not easy at all.

I am not saying don’t have this baby. But you are incredibly naive to the impact having this child will have. I suspect your mum also sees that and doesn’t really know what to say. you think life will carry on the same with a bit of inconvenience. That things a stay the same and there won’t be an impact. What else can she say when you have decided that you are making huge changes to her life and your own? But just think it won’t change much.

Also, please don’t underestimate the impact on a child of knowing their father doesn’t want to know. Or the impact that it has on a child when their father comes in and out of their lives sometimes seems to care then doesn’t.

It’s your decision but it’s clear you don’t really understand the implication of your choices. And your mum just may be exasperated to the point she can’t even talk about it anymore.

Planned baby at 23. Lived in my own house. Stuck to the 1 baby and no longer with child's father. Your mum can't expect to plan your life! She's being unfair you are 25. I would move out though.

Make sure you go through CMS too in regards to the father paying from day 1 OP.

Fair enough but this is about her mother's expectations/dreams/hopes for her child. I personally would be very disappointed in this situation. In my family people tend to be established before procreating, so I would struggle, especially worrying about her future in this economic climate. Though I'd never ask my daughter or even my sister to leave. I'd continue to help out financially and physically, despite my disappointment.

@CatMadam
She might not ask her to look after the baby but when a baby is in your house it's unavoidable.
I was in this exact situation. I was living with 3 adult children and one of them got pregnant.
She said her and her partner would sort housing etc but did nothing.
She ended up living with me until my grandson was 20 months.
I had to rearrange the bedrooms to accommodate at my expense, there was baby stuff everywhere. The dad would visit whenever. It felt like it wasn't my home anymore and sometimes I'd dread going home.
When the baby woke up at night we all were awake even though we had work.
If my daughter was ill I had to take over.
If the baby was ill we had to help out.
The impact of having a baby in your house is huge. It got worse when he started crawling and walking.
Moving everything out the way, baby proofing everything. Things still getting broken or ruined.
I never thought I'd return to that in my 50's while working full time.
I literally had a breakdown.
My daughter chose that for me and I was resentful that my life had changed drastically.
It's much better since she moved out but she does find it hard. Her partner has to work all hours to pay for everything and she's had to move further away to afford a flat and she had to give up work.
I also lost my relationship as I had no time for it and I was a completely different person. My mental health was on the floor and my stress levels through the roof. Menopause didn't help either.
That's the reality of a baby living with you when it's not your choice.
And I can't even make it sound as bad as it was.

I think the mum is very upset you've got pregnant with this on again off again loser who she has been praying for you to break up with and now you're saddled with him for life.

I 100% do understand the implications and am in the process of readjusting my situation. I simply do not know how to navigate being ignored when I would like to and have attempted dialogue so everyone has the opportunity to feel heard. We have not had a conversation past me breaking the news.

I have career prospects to make it work around my child. I already have a flexible career and could support myself independently if I wanted to. I just choose to live with my mum yes to save in the current climate but for reasons beyond finances such as it’s an opportunity I have not had to have that relationship with my mum growing up for personal reasons…

my mums choices are her own and I have told her I respect them regardless, same as anyone elses opinion. Yes my choices impact my mum and I would never force my child on anyone I’m well aware it’s on me. I’ve considered how it will affect all involved but I still have had to make a decision I wouldn’t regret because I do have the means to make it work.

The goal would never be to live off of her, my focus is forever setting myself up because im the only security I will ever have relationship or not… so a baby for me may pause but would never stop that but I’m well aware of the implications and that life isn’t straightforward with these things. I just don’t want to lose a relationship with my mum because I chose myself but thanks for the perspective anyway

Try not to worry… I had two babies by two men, neither men were particularly good people and so I basically did each pregnancy alone! My mum was livid with me (I was 22 and 27) at the time but she turned out to the the BEST grandma ever. I’ve raised my kids alone and they are now 18 and 22. I had also just finished uni and then worked hard to create a very successful career. Single motherhood doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom; remember, you are largely in control of your own future

both boys have turned out amazing and my mum and dad have been utterly devoted to them since the day they were born. In fact, my 22 yr old came home from uni yesterday and he stopped at his grandparents house before even coming home to my house( 5 mins round the corner); that’s how much of a fab relationship they have

as long as your mum is normally a nice kind good person, she will come round to the idea eventually. Very few people can resist the life of a grandchild !

That’s fair enough x

My mum threatened to kill herself if I didn't have an abortion. I didn't and she got used to the idea. She was with me at the birth and doted on my child.

She is usually, we were very close and I completely understand her stance and went her to have her feelings too I just wish she wouldn’t ice me out but thank you for sharing that! Congratulations on the life you built you sound amazing, gives me hope☺️x

It sounds like your mum is telling you that she doesn't want to help you become a single parent and she doesn't agree with your choice. That is her right - the responsibility for raising a child belongs to the parents. She shouldn't have to step in because your on off boyfriend won't take his share of the responsibility.

So when are you moving out?